Saturday, January 16, 2010

Conversations- Facebooking

S- You spent the last 72 hours on Facebook? Do you realize how long 72 hours is?

K- Do you realize that Facebook can help you find the girl who sat behind you in college? I just found the girl who sat behind me and I looked at all her photographs. She’s posted 57 pictures of her hand.

S- Wow, was she on drugs?

K- I think they were supposed to be artistic or something. Anyway, she said she remembers sitting behind me in college which is so awesome because I remember sitting in front of her!

S- Why did she post 57 pictures of her hand?

K- I think some of them were of her kid.

S- That must be a weird-looking kid if it looks like a hand.

K- Anyway, I have to go work on my 25 Random Things You Should Know About Me list. I really want it to be funny and irreverent and thought-provoking and serious and heartwarming and edgy and funny.

S- And awesome?

K- And awesome. Definitely awesome.

S- Maybe there’s an online tutorial for that. How To Write A 25 Random Things You Should Know About Me List That Is Funny and Irreverent and Thought-Provoking and Serious and Heartwarming and Edgy and Awesome.

K- I’m going to go check.

***

K- It took me three whole days but it’s finally finished. And it is awesome.

S- Please please please don’t read it to me. Please.

K- Random fact #1. I love running marathons.

S- You mean you love watching people run marathons on TV.

K- Same thing. Random Fact #2. I love poor orphans.

S- You mean you love watching poor orphans on TV so you can change the channel if they aren’t singing and dancing properly.

K- Look, if I had to choose between a movie about aliens and a movie about poor orphans, I would choose the orphans. It’s like charity, if you think of charity as a non-conventional creatively ideative concept type thing entity thing.

S- An organically cooperative alternative creatively ideative concept type thing entity thing.

K- Exactly. Random Fact # 3. I am a medical marvel because I have two hearts.

S- Ok, not only is that gross, it’s a total lie whereas the other two are only partial lies.

K- How about I say I had one heart but I donated it to Africa?

S- Why are you lying like this on a random Facebook list?

K- Because I’m Facebook friends with people who say they’ve sailed around the world in shoeboxes and built solar-powered cars with chewing gum.

S- Who are these people?

K- I don’t really know, they’re Facebook friends.

S- So you’re making a list of lies to share with people you don’t really know.

K- I know the girl who sat behind me in college. Although I have this nagging feeling I actually sat in the last row. Oh my God.

S- What?

K- What if she’s really some obsessed person who’s stalking me on Facebook? What if she has nude pictures of me?

S- Oh my God! What if she took the nude pictures when she was sitting behind you in college?

K- Oh my God!

S- What if she’s really a sidey old uncle? Or aunty? What if she’s a sidey old uncle AND aunty?

K- OH MY GOD!

S- You should double-check those hand pictures. They probably aren’t hands at all.

K- Don’t say that!

S- They’re probably…oh, I can’t even say.

K- OH MY GOD! I’m going to go check. OH MY GOD!

S- You must have gone to a very sidey college if you had aunties and uncles sitting behind you taking nudie pictures.

*

from The New Indian Express Zeitgeist Supplement, Multiverse, Conversations, January 16, 2010

10 comments:

Space Bar said...

noticed you've also begun column...good good!

kuzhali manickavel said...

tanks tanks :)

Bob Jacobs said...

I came off Facebook months ago, and until now didn't feel as though I was missing out. How wrong was I. Time to go back on, perhaps.

Random fact about me: I was runner-up in the East Kent Youth Club Table-Tennis Championship in 1977 (but got thrashed in the final by a kid with three arms).

Cheers,
Bob

(p.s. Was that you I was standing behind at the till in Asda yesterday?)

kuzhali manickavel said...

bob jacobs! how very nice to see you here :) also, you'll be happy to know that the kid with three arms mentioned you most honorably in his 25 Random Things List. also it was not me you were standing behind in Asda but whoever it was, i'm sure you can find them on FB

k

Anindita said...

This made me laugh at 6.30 in the morning. And I am usually not a happy person in the morning. Loved "So you’re making a list of lies to share with people you don’t really know." :)

kuzhali manickavel said...

thanks anindita :) i am not a happy person at 6:30 in the morning either so i try my best to avoid bringing that kind of unhappiness into my life

Ashwin said...

Hello Nancy,

I happened to find your short story collection, "Insects Are Just Like You and Me except Some of Them Have Wings" and read it. Of course, of course, it's nice and all that. That's what I would have said if I was just being courteous and polite.

But, Darlene, that is not why I trolled the interwebs to find your contact info. I write short stories too, besides other things. And a one of the shorts in your collection arrested me in a way that I have never been arrested before.

As you can see, Kuzhali, I am bad with names and I forgot the title of that story. But I believe in not judging the book by its entomological cover and actually liquefying its contents and sucking them dry.

To stop digressing and getting to the point, it was the story of the father with the mute child who was born with wing stubs and how he tests the law of gravity in the end.

I was arrested, my rights read and thrown behind bars. I am awaiting my arraignment.

The reason you are reading this is that I happened to write a short very recently and, perhaps, it somehow resonated in my head. (Then again, I am known to bite spiders in order to inspire arachnid comic book writers.)

I was wondering if, perhaps, and you know you can say, "fuck no," and I'll be totally okay with it, if, maybe, that is, if you are up to it, probably, we could do a story together?
Maybe you want to see my credentials and read a story or two? That's fine with me.

I can be reached by my google email.

PS: I think, I am not sure, I have a friend, Mihir, who has a friend, somebody somebody (that name syndrome) who is probably your friend, Annie.

PPS: Is the Miranda July who reviewed your book the same lady who made 'You, me and everyone we know?' (or something along those lines?) Great movie, if that was her.

kuzhali manickavel said...

hai ashwin, thanks for stopping by. thank you also for calling me nancy and darlene.

1. you have awesome hair.

2. thank you very much for the kind words about my book and the story flying and falling which is indeed about a guy who throws his daughter off a bridge

3. i can't find your gmail id on your blog so i hope you don't mind if i answer you here about writing a story together. i did write a story together with some other writers a few months ago. and while it was finally published in opium and an interesting experience, it's just not something i'm into or would want to do again. so i'm going to politely decline but thanks anyway for asking

4. i don't think i have a friend named annie. although i have a friend who i think knew someone called mihir.

5. yes it is the one and the same miranda july! she also has an awesome short story collection called no one belongs here more than you

k

OilPastel said...

You're so cool, it makes me want to go eat pumpkin seed cookies right now. Only my mother wont hear of it. She says its too close to dinner.
Maybe someday i will make a movie. And you can write it.
Or maybe i wont.
But you can still write it.
I'll read it.

kuzhali manickavel said...

thank you oilpastel :) if you ever decide to make a movie about bollywoodgeishavampires, let me know. have your people call my people. which might be difficult because i don't have any people.

 

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