Saturday, February 27, 2010

Conversations- You Bloody Indian

K- I hate kids! I hate them I hate them I hate them!

S- Did that abusive child harass you in the road again?

K- What is his problem? I have never done anything to him ever.

S- Didn’t you tell him his parents were fattening him up because they wanted to eat him one day? And isn’t he scared to eat with his parents now? And doesn’t he have paranoia attacks whenever he sees a spoon?

K- Apart from that, I have never bothered that child. And now I can’t walk past his house without him verbally abusing me. If this was America, I would be on Oprah and people in the audience would be crying for me.

S- How old is he?

K- Maybe six.

S- Six? You want to go on Oprah because you’re being verbally abused by a six year old?

K- You have no idea what comes out of that kid’s mouth. Today he kept calling me an eggplant and an onion. Like he was going Hey Eggplant, Hey Onion, Hey Eggplant, Hey Onion.

S- Wow.

K- It sounds way worse in Tamil, it’s like major disrespect. Like I can’t even say how major that kind of disrespect is. So major.

S- Gangsta level disrespect.

K- Totally. So then I was like, oh no you didn’t!

S- You were going to shut that bidness down!

K- Oh you know I was! So I said what do you think you are, a big lentil?

S- A big lentil?

K- Very confrontational in Tamil, trust me. If you call someone a big lentil, you’re looking for hardcore gangsta violence.

S- Verbal abuse in Tamil seems to be very food-oriented.

K- So ask me what the abusive kid says.

S- What did he say?

K- He called me a bloody Indian!

S- Woah.

K- I know! I’m like, you can’t call me a bloody Indian, you stupid abusive Indian kid!

S- It’s so weird when Indians call other Indians bloody Indians.

K- India is the one place where an Indian should be able to walk down the road without having another Indian call them a bloody Indian.

S- Does he even know what he’s saying?

K- I don’t think so. And he was doing a little hip shake so it was like this abusive, badly choreographed song and dance number. And then he started getting creative and going Bloody Bloody Indian, Bloody Bloody Eggplant, Bloody Bloody Onion.

S- Like a remix version.

K- Then I was thinking. What is a bloody Indian anyway? An Indian covered with blood? An Indian who spontaneously bleeds? An Indian who induces spontaneous bleeding in other people?

S- I saw a movie like that once.

K- Really?

S- Yeah, it was like all these people started bleeding all over everything for some reason, I can’t remember why.

K- Anyway, then I thought maybe Bloody Indian was code for something. So I went online-

S- What do you do when you can’t go online? Just curious.

K- I get really sad and I want to kill myself and then I take nap.

So you were suicidal and napped a lot prior to the internet.

K- Yes. Anyway, so I go online and start generating anagrams. And one of the anagrams for Bloody Indian is Bad Idli Onion. Ok, maybe it was ‘Idly’, like Idle-Idly. But I’m going with Idli, like Sambar-Idli. I’m going to call him that next time.

S- You’re going to call the abusive kid sambar-idli?

No, Bad Idli Onion. Though sambar-idli does have something incredibly dangerous about it.

S- You such a verbal gangsta.

K- Run for cover, you Onion Eggplant Lentil.

an edited version of this appeared in The New Indian Express Zeitgeist Supplement, Multiverse, Conversations, February 27, 2010


Fangirl said...

I know these vampire parents who had children just to eat them up. It was so nice of you to warn that egg-plant kid. I am reminded of that egg-plant story from, Where are you going you Monkees now.

The day I have a TV chat show, I will invite you as my hero and make the audience shed much tears. This is a Fangirl's promise.

Roy said...

i remember a simpler time when aloo mutter gobi were the standard abuses!

or boodovel which is the verification word

soin said...

i read this in the express..its becoming a cliched thing to say, now but this was got a kickass style of writing.nice.ordered the insects book.high expectations.and if the article comes with some illustration put it up in the blog

kuzhali manickavel said...

thanks for reading, awesome people

@ fangirl- it shall be my most honorable honor and privileged privilege to be on your tv chat show. maybe i can promote a possible future movie called vampire planet- the moviestory.

@ roy- boodovel does sound very abusive. it also sounds like some body part, which is possibly why it sounds abusive.

@soin- thanks for ordering the book, i hope you like it. if you don't like it, i hope will convince yourself you liked it anyway

Anonymous said...

Country Fruit!

Anonymous said...

Extremely humorous. Talks a lot about our mentality at the same time. I'm hooked to your blog now. Everyday, I check my Gmail account, my Facebook account and then your blog, just to check if there's something nice to read! :) Keep this going!

kuzhali manickavel said...

ohai! country fruit comment is here! hai country fruit comment! i thought you were eaten by my blog and on another post. how nice to see you are in the alive and not eaten by my blog

kuzhali manickavel said...

@ anonymous 2- thank you very much :) thank you also for not calling me a country fruit

Subashini said...

Whatever happened to the days when Indian people used to insult each other by calling one another tenga (coconut)? Those were the good years.

From one tenga to another, I do implore you to update your blog more often! I'm not telling you how to live your life, but yea. I check your blog often, a bit stalkerishly.

Bought your book recently, and I had high expectations for it, and I'm glad to say that the experience of reading the book was higher than the high expectations. To describe it in 2 words? Bloody great. I most certainly look forward to more! (Again, not telling you how to live your life.)

kuzhali manickavel said...

hi subashini, thank you for buying my book and more importantly, thank you for saying nice things about it, much much appreciated :)

very nice blog btw

VC said...

Hey Kuzhali,

Heard somewhere about your book and read your column in the Express (print), last Saturday! Damn good!

You have been added to my favourite columnists (hope you continue to write in express) along with Loony Jaya!

I should be soon getting bitten by your insects and will let you know if I bleed or burst.

How I envy such wordsmiths :-) Keep writing.


VC said...

BTW, what do you do in Chidambaram?


kuzhali manickavel said...

hi vc, thanks very much for reading and the kind words. what do i do in chidambaram? not much :)

Anonymous said...

hilarious. the kind of hilarious that makes you wonder what-was-so-hilarious-and-why-am-i-hilariousing?. your book is also hilarious. in the same way. keep writing. keep blogging. you have followers. the kind who might sell your kidneys if you stop writing.

kuzhali manickavel said...

hi anonymous, merci beaucoup for dropping by and reading. kind words are much appreciated, myself and my kidneys thank you from the bottom of our kidneys :)

and it begins said...

holy fuck .. you are hilarious!... i have to buy your book now.. !.. :) ..
people do not get that a woman can be funny as fuck too!.. sorry for all the f bombs.. so much for the war on terror eh..
baby girl you have a die hard fan in me!
next time kick that mota thales ass!

kuzhali manickavel said...

hai and it begins, thanks very much for reading and saying nice things :) please buy my book also. also, no worries about dropping eff bombs on this blawg, we are all terrorists here


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