Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Why Aren't You Writing A Novel? Why Aren't You Married? Why Why Why?

I really think it is awesome when people get married or write novels. Some have even managed to do both these things simultaneously at the same time, which is more awesomer. But some of us keep getting molested because we aren't writing a novel or aren't married. I think this is very notnice. I mean, I don't go around molesting people because they ARE married or ARE doing the novel thing. To quote an old classmate of mine 'what it seems for her, ya? what for her face it seems?'

I have no answers to this. However, I do have this questionable list of methods which can be used to combat people who molest unmarried, unnovelized people.

1. Tell Them Your Genitals Have Fallen Off

This works. For realz. Also, people who want to push you into marriage usually don’t like to hear the word ‘genitals’ so it can be a lot of fun to just say it repeatedly for no reason. For instance, “Yes of course it is my duty to get married. Did you know your ears look like genitals?” On the novel front, people may think not writing a novel because you have no genitalia makes total sense because sometimes people are really stupid.

2. Tell Them You Can’t Read

On the marriage front, while people may not make the connection that reading and marriage aren’t necessarily related, they may volunteer to teach you to read because this is a knee-jerk response people have when confronted with the illiterate. If this happens, ask them to give you money to fund reading classes instead. This sometimes works on the novel front, even if the novel-pusher is aware that you have already written non-novel things. The bottom line is that they will probably give you free money which is awesome for you.

3. Yen Soga Kathaya Kelu Thaikullamai

Sloppy translation from Tamil- Listen to my sad story, oh legion of mothers. In other words, go into extensive, graphic and unnecessary detail about your bad relationships and failed novel manuscripts. If you don’t have any, make some up. When speaking in person, hold the other person's hands tightly so they can’t get away from you. Call them numerous times a day and get into conversations that extend for many many hours where you don’t give them a chance to speak. Bombard them with long emails and leave embarrassing messages on their Facebook wall. While time-consuming, this method is incredibly effective.

4. What Do You Mean, Of Course I Have A Novel/ Am Married!

This involves pulling out imaginary novels and introducing people to imaginary spouses. On the marriage front, it is funner to introduce things like tables or somebody's handbag as your spouse. On the novel front, make an elaborate show of opening the book, pointing to certain passages and telling tedious “inspiration” stories. More fun can be had by pointing to certain sections and asking the novel-pusher to read them out loud because it “really resonates aurally.”

5. Cry Uncontrollably

Unfortunately this only works in person but it’s so effective, it can be used to deal with many other things as well. As soon as anyone broaches the topic of marriage or writing a novel, just start to cry very loudly, eyes shut, maybe wave your hands a little. If you feel so inclined, you can also move around in a haphazard manner, throwing yourself against other people and against the wall.

Unmarried, unnovelized ladies and gentlemen, it stops here. Take a stand. Be counted. Say it's not okay. Say other stuff too.



soin said...

what about the usual gay angle?all the mami are ok with it these days.have you ever seen a mami search for a brahmin girl for her girl?and its thaikulame!

allvishal said...

May I suggest a no.6 which has worked effectively in the past for me, on both marriage and novel fronts?

"My harem won't let me."

Try it.


Clair Devers said...

"In other words, go into extensive, graphic and unnecessary detail about your bad relationships and failed novel manuscripts. If you don’t have any, make some up." - If you can do all this, why not just write a novel? HA!

Kidding - I enjoyed this - very entertaining. I plan on calling things "more awesomer" throughout the day.

kuzhali manickavel said...

thanks for reading, awesome people :)

@ soin- i was not aware of gay angle. is there no provision for gay men? people of other castes?

@ allvishal- very good suggestion, harems can be demanding and restrictive.

@ clair- i wish you a more awesomer day

Sarpvinash said...

"If you feel so inclined, you can also move around in a haphazard manner, throwing yourself against other people and against the wall."
I do this all the time anyway so should be easy to adopt.

kuzhali manickavel said...

that sounds very painful also and i think maybe you are not making so many friends that way

Nadiya said...

It also works if you tell them you are too pregnant to get married or write a novel. It works better if you are female and have a flat tummy when you say this to them.

Blaft Publications said...

I bet this post is like a wacky Kuzhali mindfuck way of making us extra surprised and joyful when she sends us her awesome novel manuscript tomorrow. Right? Right?

Davin Malasarn said...

I'm on board. At my brother's wedding, as everyone was asking me when I was going to get married, I found that a smug smile seemed to make them question their own lives in deep ways.

kuzhali manickavel said...

nadiya! welcome to my the blog i say! what a happy to see you the here! we also are very the appreciative of your suggestion and feel it will be even more effective if a mans is saying it.

hola my dearest blaft! yes indeed, my un-novel novel manuscript is making its way towards you as i type this. please read the whole thing out loud because it really resonates aurally.

davin, i am so pleased to see you on my blog :) and your suggestion is also very impressive. anything that makes people question their own lives in deep ways is awesome

Len said...

hi K - I was wondering what happended to you, but just figured you were busy on your novel.

I wish I could offer you useful advice like all the other folks but as you know I've been married since the beginning of time and started my novel shortly after that.

My problem is that people are always asking me (well one person asked anyway) what is the novel about? I think that is sort of a personal question and I've never been able to answer it without sounding like some guy who doesn't have a clue, which, as you know is not true.

kuzhali manickavel said...

len :) it is very awesome to see you here. i think the next time someone asks what your novel is about, say it is about that person that just asked what the novel is about. say this to everyone who asks. i think that would be awesome.

Davin Malasarn said...

That's such a good idea! I'm going to do that from now on.

kuzhali manickavel said...

onwards and upwards, davin! onwards and upwards!

Jyothi said...

I m laughing my brains out and since i m sitting by an open window, its not a good idea so will pls ask to be xcused as i shut it. love u, Ma...!

kuzhali manickavel said...

hi jyothi, thanks for reading :) please don't forget to put your brains back inside also please

Jyothi said...

Pls do that for me as friendly gesture when u confirm my req on FB...! (Pile-on!!!! But what the hec? If u dont Ask, u dont Get..! Hence....!)
Cheers, girl.. :-)

shrutified said...

I feel like you'd appreciate this:

kuzhali manickavel said...

ohai shrutified :)thanksverymuch, i am appreciating this like i cant even say. it is #winning, disturbing and necessary.


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