Friday, April 30, 2010

All These Bitches Is My Sons

If I ever write a novel about three generations of an Indian family ripped asunder, thrown together and ripped asunder again by love, lust, freedom struggle/partition, brain drain, intercaste marriage, interracial marriage, no marriage, yes marriage, sometimes marriage, greed and other stuff, I will name this novel All These Bitches Is My Sons. The cover of this novel will have a mango that has mehndi hands and inside these mehndi hands will be a large Indian wedding with Indian food and Indian music and Indian people speaking Indian and then there will be a big Indian fight while a big Indian monsoon breaks over their Indian heads. All of this will be on the cover. All these bitches is my sons.


Pimpage Department

I have a new story up at DIAGRAM called A Basic Guide To Instigating Violence Among Gentoo Penguins In The Tropicool Icy-Land Urban Indian Slum. Many people have asked me what the Tropicool Icy-Land Urban Indian Slum is. That is such a lie. No one has ever asked me that.

I have a short story in the new issue of Versal, which is a literary magazine based in Amsterdam. Some people associate Amsterdam with free weed and believe it is just given away, freely and happily on those high and beautiful streets. Others associate Amsterdam with free sex where again, it is just being given away and all you have to do is extend your hand and say yes, I want that. I knew one person who, for reasons best known to herself, kept associating Amsterdam with hamsters. Anyway, if you pre-order a copy of Versal 8 now, you’ll get free shipping. Not many people will do that for us people who live inside countries that are not often associated with English literary magazines.

Also, M.I.A has a new video. You may say, why are you pimping this, you are not M.I.A. This is so true.


ZOMG! Department

ZOMG! the The Blaft Anthology of Tamil Pulp Fiction - Volume 2 has revealed itself to this world and the world is aghast and agape and worried that it might not be able to withstand the awesomeness! ZOMG! It hasn't blossomed in bookstores yet but you can order it online or if you're in Chennai you can head over to Madras Terrace House and buy a copy. If you can't do either of those things, wow sucks to be you.


The Junk Department

Oh you crazy, crazy manguys, doing chat roulette and getting flabbergasted by all those other guys out there who keep showing you their junk. That’s funny because it’s funny when a guy gets flashed by another guy, right? It’s like emasculating or something. Isn’t it a drag to be visually molested by some guy’s junk when you totally didn’t want to see his junk in the first place? It is my belief that unnecessary and uncalled for genitalia exhibitions by people who think their genitalia is worth exhibiting is kind of like stepping in poo.

That actually isn’t what I wanted to say.

I wanted to say that I learned two neat things recently and they are kind of connected and they both kind of come from the same place. So let’s say that you want to insult a group of women. This is something that both men and women want to do sometimes. Let’s say that you insult these women by calling them lesbian shitasses. Many people have a vague idea that words like ‘lesbian’ should not be used as an insult but they are not exactly sure WHY. The good news is that it is totes ok to do this if you later inform everyone that you are friends with nice lesbians. It is important to be firm on the fact that you are only friends with nice lesbians, which is like the important distinction white people of yesteryear (and sometimes of today) make about being friends with only the nice, noble colored savages instead of bad colored savages like myself. This line of thinking can be extended to making racist comments as well, as long as you make it clear that you once sat beside a nice colored person that one time. It can be helpful to keep a photograph of this incident handy so that you have proof of your privilege.

So from whence did all these worthy wells of knowledge spring? From Scott Baio. It feels weird to even type that. How many of us who crushed on Charles in Charge are now looking at Scott Baio and thinking oh my God, am I on drugs? Is he on drugs? Is everything on drugs? How did Charles in Charge go from being Charles in Charge to ScottBaioRuinsEverything?

Also, to be clear, Scott taught us all about racism and his louly wife taught us about homophobia. And you can read all about it at Jezebel, home of the original lesbian shitass.



T-Shirts Are Obscene and Against Indian Culture Except When A Man Wears Them And Then It’s Ok Department

Everyone on Youtube is making t-shirts. Even the Gingers Have Souls! kid is selling t-shirts. So it is clear that the reason why I am not selling t-shirts is because I am not on Youtube. If I was though, I would make ones with the following lines on them.

White Supremacists Are Just Like You And Me. Well Maybe Not Like You But They Are Like Me Because I Am A White Supremacist.

Women Writers Are Just Like You And Me Except Sometimes They Write Really Well And That Makes Them Like Men Which Also Makes Them Gay.

Gingers Are Just Like You And Me Except They Have Souls.

Colored Writers Are Just Like You And Me Except When They Don’t Write Like White People. When They Don’t Write Like White People They Are Ethnic, Ghetto, Incomprehensible Or Terrorists. Sometimes They Are EthnicGhettoIncomprehensibleTerrorists.

Jhumpa Lahiri Is Just Like You And Me Except She Is Not Related To Bappi Lahiri. Or Maybe She Is.

Mind-Blowing Writing Is Just Like Mind-Blowing Writing Except Sometimes In Some Places People Think It’s Not So Mind-Blowing But Those People Are Obviously Poopoo Heads So Whatever.

Everyone Is Just Like You And Me Except They Are All Unique And Different.

To add some ethnic authenticity to the mix, I thought I would use a local Tamil phrase I hear a lot, which says an unmarried woman is a ‘vazhaathu ponnu’. Or sloppily translated, a girl who hasn’t lived. At first I thought this was a really mean thing to say. Then I thought it was kind of cool, if you think of it as being in a an undead state of suspended animation. Being an equal opportunity person, I make t-shirt to say

Unmarried People Are Just Like You And Me Except They Haven’t Lived Which Means They Are Undead, Sparkly, Hot And Dangerous.

okbai

21 comments:

Bharat Iyer said...

Rapists Are Just Like You And Me Except They Don't Bother With Introductions

X said...

Arrey, what the Tropicool Icy-Land Urban Indian Slum is?

Shreya said...

I would love to read your version of All these bitches is my sons *-)

kuzhali manickavel said...

@ bharat- actually i think it's that whole sexual-violence-often-resulting-in-physical injuries-that- people- don't like-talking-about-like-torn rectums-and-psychological-damage-and-all-that-kind-of-stuff that really make rapists special, not the lack of intros. which is why i honestly and strongly feel that rapists are not like me.

@ X- oh my god. now i don't know what to say. the Tropicool Icy-Land Urban Indian Slum is a sandwich.

@ shreya- i promise you the very first copy once it is done :)

X said...

Is it a cold sandwich or a hot sandwich?

Bharat Iyer said...

But is all of that not the result of the fact that they don't bother with introductions?

kuzhali manickavel said...

@ X- it's a moldy sandwich inhabited by marine life

@ bharat- not really. what about date rape? or a child raped by a family member? or an elder or mentally challenged person being raped by a caregiver? in all those instances the rapist has usually been kind enough to introduce themselves at some point.

Anonymous said...

"you are friends with nice lesbians"

Larry David fan?

kuzhali manickavel said...

hi anonymous- i feel like i should say yes but i don't really know who he is. so i will say no.

X said...

Marine mold. Wow. I had actually never heard of aquatic fungi before, and did a little googling, and they really exist! Check it out!

http://www.int-res.com/articles/ame/15/a015p153.pdf

Snigdha said...

Gentoo Penguins are Just Like You and Me Except Sometimes Violence Is Instigated Amoung Them By Kuzhali Manickavel

Anonymous said...

You're not M.I.A???? I've wasted so much time on you!!!

kuzhali manickavel said...

@ X- i had no idea. someone told me fungi and mold can exist almost anywhere

@ snigdha- your t-shirt line is extremely short, snappy and very catchy. i feel this can easily be turned into a pop song, like that cheeky girls song

@ anonymous- i've heard rumors that M.I.A is also very upset to hear that i'm not really M.I.A.

Davin Malasarn said...

What am I supposed to say when I don't think I'm cool enough to say anything regarding your cool posts?

From now on, I will just write "~", and from that you will know my humility, and you will believe that there is a greatness in me hidden under the "~" symbol.


~

kuzhali manickavel said...

davin! i am exceedingly pleased to see you here :) as they say in my country, i hope you are in the well

i have always suspected you hid your humility and greatness under your hair. but perhaps the ~ is also symbolic of your hair

Bharat Iyer said...

Fair enough.

Some rapists are like you and me; others not at all.

Is that OK? Or does my constant invocation of fraternity with rapists disturb you and tempt you to banish me from your blog?

P.S. Larry David is just like you and me except he's friends with Jerry Seinfeld and has all kinds of moneys.

kuzhali manickavel said...

ohnoes! bharat iyer is talking about rapists again! i must hide myself and banish him from my blog forever and ever!

naw, i kid. your constant invocation of fraternity with rapists does not disturb me. i don't find it particularly funny (ugh, how uptight and feministy!) but if you want to insist on rapey brotherhoods that's your will and wish, as they say. however, if you repeatedly come on here and start rapey brotherhood propoganda we may have to revoke your day pass

larry david-seinfeld connection, ah yes, things are clearer now.

scott g.f.bailey said...

Davin Malasarn asked me to come here and look at his tilde. I didn't know he was referring to one of the symbols on his computer keyboard. I feel disappointed on several levels. But I am happy to know that your blog of awesome exists and I also look forward to the publication of "All these bitches is my sons."

kuzhali manickavel said...

hai scott, thanks for stopping by and saying nice things :) i can only imagine your disappointment at finding out that davin malasarn's tilde is ~. if it helps, he apparently keeps his greatness and humility under there

i too look forward to the publication of 'all these bitches is my sons'. i particularly look forward to the movie, which i hope to make with lots of indian slum people and songs so i can win an oscar

the anonymous who was asking of you were a fan of larry david said...

actually larry david has a running joke in his sitcom "curb your enthusiasm" that "he is friends with nice lesbians",that's why i was asking.

nothing to do with seinfeld connection.

by the way, i have been asking my tamil friend how to pronounce your name, and getting better at it :)

kuzhali manickavel said...

ah, i see :) i haven't seen any curb your enthusiasm yet

i think it's the 'zh' part of my name that's tricky. it is an oft misunderstood name, which is why it sometimes gets depressed

 

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