Saturday, April 24, 2010

Conversations- Absolute Best Price

K- Don’t feel bad.

S- I’m not feeling bad. I’m contemplating that very thin line that divides alleged Awesome Bargaining Skills from complete lunacy.

K- I’m just saying you should have asked me before buying that laptop. I could have got you a really nice one, pucca quality for the absolute best price ever.

S- 23 paisa.

K- Yes.

S- You could have got me a laptop for 23 paisa.

K- Yes.

S- Are you on drugs?

K- I seriously can. Company piece, full anti-virus with twelve English movie DVDs that haven’t been released abroad yet. All pucca pucca. With free bag.

S- No warranty?

K- If you want a 10-year complete warranty on everything you have to pay two paisa extra.

S- If you can do all that, you are beyond powerful and influential. You are magic. You are Harry Potter.

K- I just know the right dealers. And these dealers have godowns.

S- I know dealers who have godowns and none of them sell laptops for 23 paisa.

K- That’s where my Awesome Bargaining Skills come in. It’s my skills that kills.

S- Do these skills involve crying? Do you threaten to blow your nose on them if they don’t give you the laptop for 23 paisa?

K- Chee.

S- You throw a tantrum. You jump up and down and say ‘Give me the laptop for 23 paisa! Give me give me give me!’

K- I do have a technique, if that’s what you want to know.

S- I do want to know. I want to know how you bring a laptop price down from several thousands of rupees to 23 paisa.

K- First I laugh in the dealer’s face when he quotes his price. I go HAHAHAHA! like the villain in a Tamil movie just before he rapes someone. When I laugh, it says to the dealer ‘That price is absurd’ and it also says ‘You better rethink that price or I will END you!!!’

S- I will end you? What are you, some kind of deadly punctuation mark?

K- Then I unleash my I Will End You !!! Look Of Extreme Fear on the dealer.

S- Is that where your mouth hangs open and it looks like you’re going to sneeze?

K- HAHAHAHA!

S- Iyo.

K- This is the look that is so powerful that if I wear sunglasses, I can be arrested for concealing dangerous weapons.

S- HAHAHAHA!

K- Why you are laughing?

S- Sorry.

K- I once gave an old woman this look by accident and she had a heart attack.

S-
I have seen you give that look to people. It looks like you’ve fallen asleep with your mouth open.

K- With this look, I can make an auto driver take me round and round the city twice with one unnecessary drop at Guduvancheri. Guess how much I will pay. Guess guess.

S- No.

K- Two rupees.

S- I can go round and round the city four times with two unnecessary trips to Neelankarai and one unnecessary drop at Guduvancheri for one rupee.

K- I bought a Blackberry for 50 paisa and I get everything on it for free all the time forever.

S- I found a Blackberry on the road that has everything on it for free all the time forever.

K- My dental work picks up WiFi signals so every time I touch something, it becomes internet-enabled. Like if I touch a toaster. Or a plastic spoon. Or a fish.

S- You can create internet-enabled fish.

K- Did I just go too far and lose this game?

S- You were already losing at the 23 paisa laptop.

K- But I can really get you that though. Absolute best price, pucca quality. Really.

*

an edited version of this appeared in The New Indian Express Zeitgeist Supplement, Multiverse, Conversations, April 14, 2010

19 comments:

Paras said...

Yay! New conversations post! Being someone who has awesome bargaining skills himself, I can assure you that you CAN in fact buy a laptop for 23 paisa, I just bought myself an I-Pad for 25 paisa. I know its a bit of a steep price, but Im not chindi with great devices! You want? Its duty free and no McAfee antivirus to make your I-pad repeatedly restart!

kuzhali manickavel said...

hey paras, thanks for stopping by :)

25 paisa is rather pricey. considering that i got 2 iPads and an IPL franchise for 12 paisa but i gave the franchise back because i didn't really want it

Bharat Iyer said...

I can get pucca quality weed for 1 paisa and a friendly smile. Do I get to boast of Awesome Bargaining Skills?

Anonymous said...

No no no, me me me. I win. When I go down the street people try and give me their kidneys for free and I'm like no, I got two already.

soin said...

one day i hope the hp company is brought down in the fight club way.and talking of tamizh rape scenes,who do the about-to-be raped ladies seem to cover their breasts and not the important part? these tamizh ladies i tell you..

kuzhali manickavel said...

@ bharat- hai and thanks for stopping by! that rhymes. puccaquality weed for smile and one paisa is indeed impressive. but not as impressive as the fact that i can get crystal meth for half a paisa and i dont have to smile. dont feel bad, dont feel bad

@ anonymous- no no no me win because when i go down the street people try to give me their kidneys and money and other people's kidneys also.

@ soin- this is so true. i feel it is connected with this habit many tamil heroines had in the past of covering their ears whenever something bad happened. this may be because when something bad is going to happen, the first thing you need to do is prevent your ears from falling off

Bharat Iyer said...

Oh I'm an old patron; I've been lurking here for a while, stalker style. See? You're not the only one who can rhyme.

But is that puccaquality crystal meth? Your claim only stands if it's puccaquality, you see. It's imperative. It cannot be the kind you inject and start seeing dead cows in the sky. It happens.

kuzhali manickavel said...

well i am very pleased that you have unstalkered yourself :)

i thought puccaquality meant you were SUPPOSED to see dead cows in the sky.

Vishal said...

Hi Kuzhali,
I am a film maker and wanted to talk regarding a short story of your. I was thinking of making it into a short film. So if you can send me your email address.
Regards,
Vishal

Bharat Iyer said...

That pleases me. :)

No no, nothing that unpleasant. Unicorns, fluffy bunnies, singing leprechauns, happy cows going moo, colours - that's more like it. Nice, wholesome, uplifting things. Nothing so macabre as dead cows with their feet sticking up in the air; that just brings you down.

kuzhali manickavel said...

hi vishal, thanks for stopping by. you can send enquiries to kuzhali.ehm@gmail.com

@ bharat- i'm afraid that the AwesomeEthnicity police have just informed me that all those nice, wholesome, uplifting things are distinctly western in nature and not indian at all. i think that means you've been taking western meth which is having such corrupting effect on ours indian youths. also, i think it means that the awesomeethnicity police might be coming after you for not being indian and buying indian

X said...

Crystal meth isn't funny. It's a horrible environmental catastrophe that rots peoples teeth out and makes them do terrible violent things and then, most of the time, kills them. Please don't buy any, not even for half a paisa.

kuzhali manickavel said...

true, true. i think that can be said about a lot of drugs.

Scherezade said...

"I will end You" should be on a coffee mug.I'd buy that mug. Like totally.
On second thoughts I think I might have seen it in the sub-titles of Five Deadly Venoms.
Very Shaolin Kung Fu style bargaining this sounds like.Very effective also. Such skills come handy while shopping in Colaba.
Deeply sorry to say that there are no more roads left in Mumbai what with BMC's digging frenzy so I have zilch chances of picking a Blackberry. However, the TOI classfieds page is glad to be offering BlackCherry/BlueBerry at a discounted price. :D

kuzhali manickavel said...

scherezade, i believe you can purchase this one number Blackcherry/Blueberry, and put in one number Guuci bag which may also contain Nakia fone.

X said...

Actually I don't think any other drug quite measures up to crystal meth in terms of chemical horribleness as a byproduct of production. Unless you count the aerial pesticides they keep dropping on the Colombian coca plantations. And even then meth may win.

kuzhali manickavel said...

what if there are other drugs being made in worse ways and we just don't hear about them?

JKD said...

I have said this before and i am NOT ashamed- I Lub You...! u make me laff sow mooch..! I will Bend u..! ;-) Hugssss sistah! <3

kuzhali manickavel said...

aint no shame in love, jkd :)

 

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