Friday, April 16, 2010

Haterz Gonna Hate But That Doesn’t Mean You Can’t Make Them Like You Through Fiction or How To Make Your Writing More Transgendered

Earthquakes, volcanic eruptions, fireballs in the sky and unknown objects from other galaxies sending out mysterious radio waves, possibly because they want to get into our planet’s pants. It is so clear that the world as we know it will probably end by next week. So now is the perfect time to take out those stories that are not working in one gender and make them into one another gender so those one another people will love and accept you. What is this gender? Well what I can say is that I watched this "interview" that Weird Al Yankovic did with Eminem and forgot what the word ‘genre’ meant. Then I got it mixed up with the word ‘gender’. Then I decided they mean the same thing. Some bad people write stories which are of unstable genders, which means they are neither here nor there, which makes them androgynous. Thankfully, with a little tweaking, these genderless stories can be translated into one another gender. Below is piece of “literary” microfiction which means it is genderlessly androgynous.

He arrives at your house unexpectedly. Sometimes you let him in and you let him sit down. Sometimes you send him away, saying you’re sick or your mother is coming or your mother is already here. He calls when he’s drunk and tells you how much he likes to fuck. You think of him jerking off into handkerchiefs while he looks at pixilated pictures of women with no pubic hair. You have a lot of porn, you ask and he says oh yeah. You’re into that girl-on-girl stuff, you ask and he says oh yeah. When your train is 4 hours late, he waits, spending the time kicking empty paper cups onto the railway tracks. Sometimes he looks up and tries to see the night sky through the holes in the station roof. When he drops you home, you say thank you and hug him. He just stands there like you’re already gone.

Let’s look at some ways how we can make this examplemicro moar gendered and better.

Magic Realism/Fantasy/SciFi/Weird Gendering

Many people find these terms confusing and complex. To me, they all mean dragons. So turning the examplemicro into a piece of firmly-gendered magic realism/fantasy/scifi/weird fiction means you can do like this.

He arrives at your house on a dragon. Sometimes you let him in but you make him leave the dragon outside because dragons are big motherfuckers. Sometimes you send him away and he cries so much he pulls his eyeballs out and sends them to you by courier because he loves you like a heartfuck. When he comes back for his eyes which he needs and which you keep for him in your freezer, you don’t let him or the dragon in because you say you’re sick or your mother is coming or your mother is already here. But you give him his eyes in a paper bag. He calls when he’s drunk and tells you how much he likes to fuck dragons. You think of him jerking off into handkerchiefs while he looks at pixilated pictures of hairless dragon-parts. You have a lot of dragon porn, you ask and he says oh yeah. He also says he has a time machine but you don’t believe him and you don’t understand what that has to do with dragons anyway. When your train is 4 hours late, he waits in the sky, killing birds and setting planes on fire with his dragon who resents this because it is a pacifist dragon. When he drops you home, you say thank you and hug him. He says, you’re welcome and the dragon just stands there but you can tell it wants to burn your house down even though it is allegedly a pacifist dragon but you can tell that it is full of lies and violence and fire.

EdgyEnExperimental Gendering

I believe at one time, this gender was actually three separate words, namely Edgy And Experimental. For some reason, they became popular modes of describing many different kinds of writing, thus becoming a gender unto itself. The examplemicro can be EdgyEnExperimental gendered like this.

He arrives at your house unexpectedly unexpectedly unexpectedly unexpectedly unexpectedly-

I expect no more.

I expectorate.

I rate what you expectorate, you fulsome buxom bastard.

Sometimes you let him in…………………………….but sometimes it’s

I’m sick, motherfucker.

My mother is here, motherfucker.

He calls when he’s drunk. Don’t say you love me, you say and he says


I just wanted to tell you how much I like to fuck.


Ok then.

Pixilated pictures of hairless cats
Hairless cats are scary

My train is 4 hours late but he’ll wait

He’ll wait for years,
his shoes rooting deep into the concrete,
the street piling up around him like squirrel aids
his heart breaking open and collecting paper cups.

And shit like that,

Minimalist Gendering

I read on teh internetz that this gender involves getting to the core of the piece, bringing that up front and cutting out everything else. In conclusion, the examplemicro can be minimalzed and gendered like this.

He porn.

Indian English Gendering

A very hard gender to master. Not recommended unless you are Nissim Ezekiel, which you aren’t because he’s dead. Still, we can try, no? Yes.

He is arriving to yours one number house with no one ahead telling also. You can allow him to bring his good self into the open door. You can also allow him to take a kind seat also. You can also tell him the falsehoods to prevent his entry through the open door. What are these falsehoods? We can enumerate the same for ease of understanding. You can tell like you are suffering from fever and dysentery so you are unable to allow him to bring his good self into the open door or to take the kind seat. You can also tell yours aged relations like so much respected mother is taking a seat in the households so is it correct for the gents to enter? It is very much not so. He may feel so much distressed and ruination in the heart. Because there is no respite for this common man he may turn to hot drinks. In such states of intoxications, he may also give you tinkle from publicSTD booth and even though you are ladies, he may share with you informations like he is enjoying having personal relationships fully sexsex with female persons. Even though you are ladies, you may have thoughts of him doing somewhat things with his kerchief involving his matrimonial areas. Maybe he is seeing some blue film pictures also which are so degrading for the women who are like mother goddess. You can question his blue film habits and because he is having hot drinks, he is saying so many rubbish things to you even though you are ladies. Yet even though he is a rascal, he is like a child having moustache. He has a face that is pouring like milk. When you are taking day express, he will stay in the unhygiene conditions of the railway stations which are sometimes very worst. He will await your one number arrival because you are ladies traveling single. Because you are a very forward public girl, maybe it is your habit to hug him like cousin-brother which basically is part of the Western culture. Because he is pucca Indian man, he will not behave in such a forward public manner, especially with ladies so he will stand there simply like you are out of station.



Aishwarya said...

Even though you are not Nissim Ezekiel (as you have rightly put he is no more (though not without issues)) this last piece is feeling very accomplished. Even though you also are ladies.

The Wizard of Odd said...

Holy shaivite samsara curry.
My head just spontaneously imploded.
This is brilliant. Without knowing it's brilliant or wanting to be brilliant or saying "hey, i'm brilliant!"
The CIA will now want to kidnap and clone you.
Must hide.

Anonymous said...

oh special k. that was brilliant. your intro about transposing stories into "one another gender" reminded me of something an uncle used to say: "louw one another and one another will louw you." words to live by. and fear.

kuzhali manickavel said...

@ aishwarya- i thank you so much for yours kind words. i am appreciating you even though you also are ladies ;)

@ wizard- i am so sorry that your head imploded, that must have hurt. i am hiding right now. i am hiding so much that i don't know where i am and it is scary

@ fifi- 'louw one another and one another will louw you' is the goldenest words i have heard in so many days. also, you are a kyoon fairy. yes you are a kyoon fairy

Paras said...

This piece shows how beautifully you can toy with different styles, none of which fit into the conventional molds of writing to begin with. Even Ezekiel would have been proud of that last bit of writing.

I did a bit of free writing myself, largely inspired by your style. It was real fun but I'm not sure if you will nod approvingly at the end result or hide in a corner and shudder at the kind of writing you've inspired. Anyway here's the link to my post.Let me know what you think of it.

X said...

Weird Al is really disturbing.

kuzhali manickavel said...

@ paras- thanks very much for the kind words and for stopping by :) also, am most humbled that this post inspired you to write something. i had a look at it and think it's pretty interesting, i hope you'll continue with it. in your post you talked about being worried about pissing the reader off. i think someone will always be pissed off, that's just the way it is. haterz gonna hate.

@ X- what i find most disturbing about weird al is his hair and those awful shirts he wears. i love him for many reasons but i'm not sure if that love is strong enough to outweigh the hair and awful shirts

Anonymous said...

Thank you Kuzhali Manickavel. I've never been able to describe myself in two words. Now I can -pacifist dragon.In three words-alleged pscifist dragon.

kuzhali manickavel said...

dear former anonymous, current alleged pacifist dragon. i am so pleased that the post was able to help you describe yourself in three words because self description is very important to maintain high quality in our daily lives

Scherezade said...

In the words of one Mos Def -
The haterz can't fuck with it..
'Cause they mom and they sister and girl in love with
it..(Wah wah)

(Hopefully my most honorable comment won't be swallowed by the comment board.)

kuzhali manickavel said...

word that homie.

also your most honorable comments have always special place of honor on my blawg :)

unless my blawg eats the comment :(

then where the comment goes who can say? :/


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