Saturday, May 22, 2010

Conversations- Conversation Fail

S- It’s ridiculous! We never talk about anything serious or relevant, it’s just nonsense from start to finish. If anyone overheard these conversations, they’d say we were-

K- Brain-damaged spider monkeys on drugs?

S- See? That’s exactly what I’m talking about. Stop saying things like that!

K- Why? What’s wrong with brain-damaged spider monkeys on drugs?

S- I am not going to have a conversation with you about brain-damaged spider monkeys on drugs or Squirrel AIDS or-

K- Squirrel AIDS is serious stuff, I saw it on YouTube.

S- I just want to talk about something with intellectual maturity and depth.

K- You mean like science? I don’t know anything about science.

S- Do you have anything serious, relevant or important to say? About anything?

K- No.

S- Well call me when you do.

***

S- So obviously the ‘serious relevant important’ conversations aren’t happening.

K- Obviously.

S- How about we talk about normal things in a normal way? Maybe if we stick to normal things the conversations will stay normal.

K- Ok.

S-
Tell me what you did today.

K- I…oh, nothing.

S- Tell me.

K- I don’t think I should.

S- Tell me and I’ll decide whether we should pursue the conversation further.

K- I was trying to make candy by melting some old Bournvita.

S-
And?

K- The neighbor auntie’s hair caught fire.

S- Ok, that’s a conversation we don’t want to have because it will probably go into non-normal areas. I better hang up.

K-
Ok. I need to go apologize to the neighbor auntie anyway.

S- Call me if something normal happens.

K- Will do.

***

S- So I take it nothing normal has happened.

K-
Not really. Something normal almost happened and I almost called you but then the normal thing became very non-normal.

S- Do you have normal conversations with other people?

K- Sure. They talk about stuff and when I get bored I hang up.

S- Ah. This is probably why you have no friends.

K- Probably.

S- Let’s talk about the budget.

K- Why?

S- Because it’s normal, serious, important and relevant to our daily lives. What do you think about the budget?

K- I think it’s neat how the words ‘bud’ and ‘get’ come together to form the word ‘budget’, especially when there is no ‘j’ sound in either ‘bud’ or ‘get’.

S- Forget the budget. Let’s talk about poverty.

K- I want to make a movie about American poverty called GhettoDawg BlingBling. I want to promote it by adopting a lot of poor white children.

S- Forget poverty. What books have you read lately?

K- I don’t read.

S- Then I’m going to tell you about a book I’ve read. I’m going to tell you about this book and we’re going to have a normal, intelligent conversation about it. Ok?

K- Ok.

S- This book was about a guy-

K-
What was his name?

S- I can’t remember.

K- Was it Juniper?

S- No.

K- Isn’t that neat how you can’t remember what the name was but you can remember what it wasn’t? Imagine if that was how we introduced ourselves. Hi, My Name Isn’t Juniper.

S- You’re doing it again.

K- Isn’t it neat how your name isn’t Juniper and my name isn’t Juniper? We have that in common. Same pinch.

S- For the love of God please stop.

K- In school, some girls used to say same pinch kreech-kreech. What is a kreech-kreech?

S- STOP IT!

K-
Sorry.

S- Maybe we just can’t have a normal conversation. Maybe it’s impossible.

K- Maybe we should talk about how I set the neighbor auntie’s hair on fire. It sounds way more interesting than that book you read.

an edited version of this appeared in The New Indian Express Zeitgeist Supplement, Multiverse, Conversations, May 22, 2010

37 comments:

Paras said...

I am also having lots of old Bournvita in my house which is already in rock form inside the bottle. Could you please provide procedure with diagrams about how I can remove it from bottle and make candy from it. If neighbour aunty's hair catches fire it is okay, I dont like her anyway.

kuzhali manickavel said...

hai paras- i cannot draw diagrams so i will draw you picture with the words. you need to stab the bournvita with a knife until you pulverize it into pieces and heat the pieces until they caramelize- theoretically this should make candy but it might not also. if neighbor auntie's hair catches fire i cannot be held responsible. also, after fire-setting has been done and you are with police uncle, it might not work in your favor to tell said uncle that you didn't like neighbor auntie anyway.

Jaane tu...ya Jaane na... said...

Well, That was one of the best i have read in a long time, and I could relate to it. I dont talk like that but yes I talk like that. I talk about yellow cars that are red, and flying angels that find difficult to walk. But this conversation is really good compared to my last few conversation with elves, and werwolfs. It rocks!!!

kuzhali manickavel said...

hai j.t.y.j.n., thanks very much for stopping by and saying nice things :)

silk smitha and disco shanti said...

do you remember milo? the one that always used to give some free gifts?!? its the worstest thing to heat and eat...!! worserest than horlicks...!!! please dont try..!

kuzhali manickavel said...

hai s.s.a.d.s- thanks for the warning i say! i remember milo but don't think i've ever had any and now i feel sad that i missed free gifts.

i realized that i have consumed a number of these 'health drinks' in my youth but i'm still remarkably unhealthy

silk smitha and disco shanti said...

oh yes yes....they used to give amazing gifts..freezbees, boomerangs, pen pencils, cricket books and all....but later they started giving dabba steel tumblers which my paati liked and i had to drink that stuff for 2 more years just for the steel tumblers... :| :|

kuzhali manickavel said...

it is shocking to see what lengths a paatti will go to for a steel tumbler.

Samyuktha P.C. said...

This is absolutely brilliant. This is exactly how I get side-lined or under spot-lights when among friends. Nothing is normal under the sun, there's always something boiling in the corner to make it a mutant form of life. Most of the times I'm stopped with a simple question, "What are you on? What did you take before you got here?"

Lovely! Enjoying this blog a lot.

Love,
Sam.

kuzhali manickavel said...

hai sam, very nice to see you here and thanks very much for saying nice things :) hope you're doing good

Samyuktha P.C. said...

I am doing absolutely great. Trying to figure out my own bits of adventures. Time Out for a bit of thrill.

Been following your writing and your blog. It's good fun. :)

Love,
Sam.

Paras said...

WohMyGDawG!! I remember Milo also, they used to come to my school with Milo and we used to stand in very very slow moving lines to get a thimble sized cup of free Milo. One year we got it cold, the next year it was hot. And then half the school went out and brought it. Evil no?

Amongst other evil things, Milo also used to sponsor the school marathon. So first they make children stand in long queues and subliminally brainwash them to buy their drink, then they make them run marathons in the heat! Very the wrongs!

kuzhali manickavel said...

@ sam- i wish you awesome adventures sam. that sounds like a line out of LOTR

@ paras- what is this national level milo brainwashing at the school levels? this all sounds very sinister, moreso because nobody every gave me free milo at school.

Anonymous said...

I too have been forced to participate in group sporting events sponsored by Milo. Will someone not put an end to injustice?

kuzhali manickavel said...

what is this milo-sporting events connection? how many of you are out there? why didn't i get any free milo?

shruti said...

SS and disco shanti:
I am a big 'silk' fan, but which are you--silk or disco shanti, so I can pay appropriate homage? How can you be both? Must be all that milo.
{Did you know they are going to make a Hindi movie on silk?uggh.}
Also, I never got any steel tumblers or frisbees, I had to drink lots of bournvita and yes,horlicks(later, chocolate horlicks)--permanent brain damage from the too much sugar.
I'm thinking I'm older than the others here because I got only the drink, no gifts, but I knew about the older part already. read heavy sighs.
See what milo,horlicks, complan memories you've unleashed in everyone km? Next, we'll all remember the appy drinks and banta.Ah,banta. Remember appy anyone?

kuzhali manickavel said...

i admit, i am a little sad that i have caused so many traumatizing milo memories to bubble forth.

also, shruti your second comment didn't post for some reason so i'm posting it here

shruti said- paras: criminal proceedings must be instituted against your educational institution. Harrumph.

Paras said...

Well it got worse in college. They distributed Lipton Ice Tea (Bottled) once and Red Bull several times. Both of them taste like something that came out of a bull. Anyone know a lawyer?

NeeNannaBalle said...

S.S.D.S,
Worstest thing a? When i frantically asked you 'whattodo?whattodo?' when the bournvita had got all hardened in its glass jar, you had asked me to heat it and eat it no? Cheatercock! you had asked me do the worstest thing!

K M,
I heated it and ate it. whattodo? I dont want to catch the worstest flu. Now whattodo?

(Will you be my agony aunt please? Please.Please)

kuzhali manickavel said...

hai neenannaballe- whattodo means phust we must ascertain why it is you heated and eated the bournvita. are you having love failure? has the bluebird of happiness in your life been replaced with the sad chicken of depression? in which case, are you really an indian because indians never get depressed you know

Shruti said...

Paras, what will it take to make you break into a rash or charge like a bull or do something by way of rebelling against this forcefeeding of bad fizzes?
Never tried red bull, I mean, why would I, why would anyone? But yes, the floating swamiji in the cartoon tv ad does.
And on the Lipton thing, I agree with you one hundred percent. Many, several,nariya,tumba, let's just say plenty summers ago, when I last had a job, this lipton thingummy was introduced and the 'office'(incarceration pit, but I escaped haha) installed a machine and offered us this dirink by way of 'tea'. I took one sip and spat it I say, simply spat it out. Without a 'thoo' or maybe, I was simply saying the thoo part for effect. I wish I had thought of it coming out of a bull,what a fine retort that would have made.

km-thanks plenty much for taking the trouble to post my non-posting posts. It doesnt let me italicise here though, che, all my emphasis(italicised) is lost.

firsht, all that idli, sambhar(steamed rice pancakes, here's where the italicising would come so much in handy: pancakes(ital), pan cakes(ital)..?? and so on would help convey the rising incredulity. I am much glad you brought up one of my and clearly lots of others' pet peeves--steamed rice pancakes, deep fried lentil cutlet!! But the bestest was the caste mark, simply veryfunnytoogood maan. I am translating something now and its from Hindi,and I'd like to shtate here off itself that it has all the paratha-sabzi, kachori,chaat, sheermal just as they are please. Might consider giving glossary but over dead body(own) in main text.
Got digressed(ha, your poor server)-- I was saying, first this talk of idlis and vadai and now milo, bournvita, I am going to keep coming back if there is promise of food talk.tojustdotodotodo only.
I always say okbye in mails, when came across your okbai,like so much better. can't use it though.But reminds me of that beloved channel V cartoon fatty aunty, who says itna paisa mein itnaich milenga, to the tune of bai,bai,bai.
ok la.

Shruti said...

I am sorry to be the one to only ask retarded questions while there is good, intelligent talk on demerits of corrupt corporate drinkmakers.And my question, after wondering about SilkSmitha and Disco shanti is,
NeeNannaBalle-- Neenanna BALLE?
Oh, Ai ki?
washte postings using apparently free internet access. Musht stop now.
night, all.

kuzhali manickavel said...

shruti i hope you will continue to visit even if there is no food talk :)

i actually wanted to say something wittier than that but it's late and my brain seems to have gone off somewhere without telling me

silk smitha and disco shanti said...

@shruti..
I am silk and disco both mixed...like 5 star bournvita...all inter mixing things....
and fyi neenannaballe...dont u know i am also brain damaged and become off evil..!?!
and shruti,
neenanna balle=uknowme...or umeknow...
and paras...did u get free redbull from tea spoon thin girls holding one big bag on their shoulders and giving free redbull to you and then taking pictures with you?!?

silk smitha and disco shanti said...

@Km..
y no one is speaking abt boost i say?!
is it cause sachin uncle endorses it or every1's brain is boosted?!

NeeNannaBalle said...

K.M,
I heated & ate it because i didn't knows that it would be the worshtest thing to do!

I'm a happy indian bluejay & a happy indian yellow chicken. Sim simply i asked that test queshon. All the agony i've is that i heated bournvita & ate it & did the worshtest thing! Tell me whattodo

kuzhali manickavel said...

@ silk smith and disco shanti- two words. boost mafia.

@ neenannaballe- whattodo means don't do anything. simply sit and enjoy

Paras said...

@Shruti - Even I spat out the Lipton Ice Chee with ekdumwithout Thuu. Then they gave me feedback card and I think I wrote 'Tastes like Moose piss'. I dont know what Moose piss really tastes like, I haven't even seen a Moose, but still we can assume no?

@Silk - One giant Redbull can on wheels drove parked outside my college, and they started giving it to everyone like that only. I sipped from my friend's can and then made the 'came out of a bull' joke. Will those tea-spoon girls make the franships with me now?

Shruti said...

KM,
why you up so late so brain walked away without so much as a whateveritistheysayatsuchtimes?
Not good girl ah, like me,staying up late,late than bedtime. very bad. Oho,Iknowiknow up writing mind-bending story, hehe?goodgood.that will be very good.
sadly, my brain not talking to me even in daytime,permanent damage has occurred, to be duly noted, and as evidence, such 'writings'.

NNB(started abbreviating, clear case of pathetic attempting to get with the younger,hippercrowd) and SS Disco shanti-- Hi ya!!
This last is full real: today, went shopping for home things and Not joking, I saw boost and vita packets in addition to the other bottles everyone drank here, and wanted to report! But in time, SS remembered all about boost, and took out my shcoop. oh dearohdear, this --to the indian rhyming society.

maybe a list of all these dirinks should be compiled, and put out somehwere no, like the advisories bad uncles put out? Then we could all go and do some 'fieldwork'.

Anonymous said...

I am loving the Juniper bit...rem acu tetigisti..sky

kuzhali manickavel said...

hai anonymous, thanks for stopping by and teaching me new latin phrase! i feel very smart today :)

Anonymous said...

thanks i say...courtesy jeeves...i felt terribly clever typing it in as well :)...sky

kuzhali manickavel said...

that is totally totally something jeeves would say

jeeves would not approve of totally totally

shruti said...

Hey peepals,
:) :)
Totally, totally.Correct, about that.
--Tonight's elected brain-damaged spider monkey on drugs.
Only cant reveal which drug, since even marijuana is Not Legal.
I want to read another such conversation.

kuzhali manickavel said...

next conversation should be up next week. also lolz @ peepals

Lavanya said...

hilarious!! really Kuzhali- your blog is tooo distracting- I am supposed to be working but just can't take my eyes and fingers off your writing/blog. This is one of the funniest things I've read in a while!!

Oh and by the way- I used to think I didn't like Bournvita till a more evilly healthier drink started tormenting me- COMPLAN.. My cousins used to drink complan and they were fatter than me so my chitti recommended it to my mom since everybody thought I should be fatter.

kuzhali manickavel said...

thanks lavanya :) i thought complan was pretty bad too, esp. the white flavor, which is i suppose a racist thing to say.

 

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