Saturday, May 8, 2010

Conversations- Random Observations Made After Getting High at the Dentist

K- Happy Bird Day!

S- It’s not my birthday.

K- Not birthday, Bird Day. It’s your Happy Bird Day. It’s your day of happy birds. Birds are just like you and me except they all have wings.

S- Are you always this high when you come back from the dentist?

K- Yes. I don’t know how drug addicts manage it, being high is extremely exhausting for me. And disorientating. Disorienticorating.

S- That sounds painful.

K- Why is ‘orient’ in the word ‘disorient’? Does it mean that all oriental people are lost? Isn’t that racist?

S- I think you should lie down and not talk on the phone for a while.

K- You’re right. Call you later.

***

K- Did you know that ‘full without’ means ‘completely naked’ in Tamil?

S- ‘Full’ and ‘without’ are English words, no?

K- Yes.

S- How can it mean something in Tamil if it’s in English?

K- Magic.

S- I thought you were supposed to be lying down.

K- I am lying down. Ask me to explain the magic.

S- You’re not lying down somewhere weird, are you?

K- In English, the phrase is kind of like an oxymoron but not really.

S- That’s not an explanation.

K- Magic has no explanation.

S- You are full without brain.

K- See that makes no sense. Because that implies that my brain is naked. Which it isn’t. Because brains can’t be naked.

S- Are you still high?

K- Yes.

S- Maybe you should concentrate more on lying down and less on talking on the phone.

K- Ok. Call you later.

***

K- I just noticed something.

S- Yes?

K- There’s these birds in the birdbath.

S- And?

K- And they are all full without.

S- They’re birds. They’re allowed to be full without.

K- But I think there are ladies birds and gents birds bathing together. They must be Western birds with no sense of Indian culture. That’s why they are shamelessly bathing together in the full without.

S- Bleddy Western birds!

K- These Western birds are roaming around our country in full without and corrupting our Indian bird youth. Soon a Western ladies bird will get raped by a corrupted Indian gents bird.

S- I don’t think birds rape each other.

K-
She’ll get raped and everyone will blame her because she is a Western ladies bird. I feel sad for the Western ladies bird.

S- I think you need to go lie down again.

K- Yeah. God I hate birds.

***

K- I thought you should know that a lot of cartoon characters are in half full without. For example, Donald Duck has a shirt and a cap but no pants.

S- Maybe he doesn’t like wearing pants. Like Lady Gaga.

K- Mickey Mouse wears gloves and shorts but no shirt. I think he should tell Donald to put some pants on, no?

S- Or at least some shorts.

K- I wonder if Donald Duck is the cartoon embodiment of the Real Indian Woman. Because a Real Indian Woman would never wear pants, right? Or shorts.

S- She would never, ever wear shorts. Even if someone put a gun to her head and said WEAR THESE SHORTS!

K- I feel Donald Duck would not have that same steely resolve. He would probably wear shorts if his life were at risk. What a weak Western gents bird.

S- Those must have been very powerful drugs your dentist gave you.

K- I fear I may be high for a very long time.

S- Please don’t say that. I can’t handle anymore of these conversations.

K- No problem, I’m going to go talk to the full without Western birds. Maybe I can convince them to put some clothes on.

*

an edited version of this appeared in The New Indian Express Zeitgeist Supplement, Multiverse, Conversations, May 8, 2010

22 comments:

roswitha said...

OMGs. This is full with awesome. \m/

X said...

It's really true: India is a rough rough place for the Western ladies bird. I feel sad for her too.

silk smitha and disco shanti said...

hey hey....if animal western cartoon characters are full without...what about the men..they are like extra with (forgive the joke)
Look at super man, spider man, bat man all men are overly clothed from head to toe and also with gloves...!!!!!
but the women super women are always raunchy..!!!
we men should campaign this extra without for cartoons no???!!!

kuzhali manickavel said...

@ roswitha- thanks for stopping by and saying nice things, appreciating so much i say!

@ x- very true x-man, very true indeed.

@ silk smitha and disco shanti- thanks for stopping by, both of you! also, you've raised an extremely valid point. male superheros are not only overclothed, some of them insist on wearing their underwear on the outside. i personally feel that batman would be a far more effective superhero if he just wore black boy shorts

Paras said...

This is exact same to same thing I was saying when trailer of Roadside Romeo came out. Saif Ali Khan and Kareena Kapoor were Western style dressed Indian doggie-log, but they were in fact fully without also. Then for Kurbaan movie poster, they were half-fully without and Gentoo penguin army party draped the poster with a saree.

This also reminded me 'David After Dentist' on Youtube.

Also by the way, What do K and S stand for.

kuzhali manickavel said...

hai paras, i feel this is something all decent and civil-minded citizens of india should do. when we see anything in full or half full without, we should throw saris over them, thus also reinforcing the importance of traditional indian culture and values, especially for all the womens.

k and s don't really stand for anyone in particular, i just continued using them from the first set of conversations i wrote

http://www.dogoilpress.com/2009/07/dop-25-conversations-during-a-cyclone-and-a-flood.html

Paras said...

One more question which is slightly political. Are these birds right-wingers or left-wingers, since they have both wings.

kuzhali manickavel said...

paras this is such a dangerous question. the bird community as a whole has been notorious for arrogantly displaying affiliations to both wings but they have never explained which side they are REALLY on. i fear it might have something to do with the matrix.

JKD said...

WHY are u not forward enuf to let ppl ask for notifications to pop in their inboxes when u put out a new blog entry, WHYYYYYYY....????????

kuzhali manickavel said...

hai jkd, why because means i did not know i could do that. i am not a very forward-thinking persons also

JKD said...

:-( Learn tricks, no, why not?? Am sure there is SOME way us poor fan-peoples can know as soon as u post nu blog! Ask ur friend Spaniard, no..!She is too much only forwards!

kuzhali manickavel said...

i shall look into it. i try and post something every saturday, if that helps. this of course may or may not happen sometimes because life is so uncertain

Space Bar said...

jkd aunty: you have to put km on your google reader and then it will all come automatically. i get, no, everytime she posts something? qed.

kuzhali manickavel said...

hai space bar :) also, please to note the fine point jkd aunty :)

JKD said...

oh. Really..? ok. if u say so. and y u calling aunty in publics..? Only pvt aunty i am, hokay..? *hmmphhss*

Anonymous said...

and then I was like, All birds have wings? Really? And then I was like, yeah, they do, don't they. But then,but then I realised so many of them can't fly. And was struck but the cruelty of this world.

Scherezade said...

Who is the dentist you speak of?
I must make acquaintance. I have some root canaling to take care of.

kuzhali manickavel said...

@ anonymous- this is so true although wings on unflying birds could also be a political fashion statement among the bird community

@ scherezade- you must definitely make acquaintance. while i am not sure of said dentist's root canaling skills, i am sure that you will see unicorns at some point after the visit. i shall speedpost the name to you by courier

Anonymous said...

very nice, i say..though you cant say much abt a species whn the ladies and gents birds empty their bowels 'side by side'...sky

kuzhali manickavel said...

hai anonymous, thanks very much i say. it appears to me that the more you think about birds, the more sordid they seem

Scherezade said...

Or you could send it to my Blackcherry. Ahem.

kuzhali manickavel said...

why so i can! please wait just a minute for five minutes, i will send from my Blueberry

 

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