Saturday, May 29, 2010

we like you and we want you to succeed.

Pimpage Department

This is a picture of when we all of us at the racism jail were taken out for a celebration excursion and we all turned black and white and into mans also. Why we are enjoying like anything means we are celebrating the fact that my story Everyone Does Integral Calculus is a sparkly shiny sparklysparkly in the sparkly pantheon of the sparkly Wigleaf Top 50 Very Short Fictions of 2010 sparkly sparkly sparkly. The selecting editor was Brian Evenson. I don’t really know who he is but I know he wrote ‘Baby Leg’, which very many people love deeply with their pancreas. It is my deepest and most sincere hope that 'Baby Leg' is not a cookbook.

I also have a new story up at AGNI Online , which has a Canadian in it. In some cultures, this is incentive enough to read a piece of fiction.

I would also like to take this opportunity to shamelessly pimp my chapbook called Three Scenarios Leading to the Rape of a Teenage Girl in the Tropicool Icy-land Urban Indian Slum which is coming out from ml press. It costs two dollars, which means it costs about 100 rupees, which means I will not use the word 'just' here because 'just two bucks' and 'just 100 bucks' are two very different things. Anyway, this chapbook is the first piece written in the Tropicool Icy Land series and you can read these other pieces in the series and maybe it will convince you to buy the chapbook and maybe you won't buy it either and that's ok if you don't, I won't judge you.

Daily Future Life Predictions from the Hotmalluauntywetsarisexboobs Dotcomcenter Based In the Tropicool Icy-Land Urban Indian Slum

The Importance of Having a Minty-Fresh Export-Quality Aadi Velli Special Non-Cola Cola in the Tropicool Icy Land Urban Indian Slum

A Basic Guide To Instigating Violence Among Gentoo Penguins In The Tropicool Icy-Land Urban Indian Slum

Notes Made in Connnection with the Disappearance of a Boy Outside the Tropicool Icy-Land Urban Indian Slum as Investigated by the Law & Order: Special Victims Unit

Saving The Whales Through Modeling Department

The new Miss USA is a Muslim Arab-American. This has led to speculation that she won because people are really scared of Muslims now so they want to make them beauty queens, which will teach them how to be less terroristy. This is similar to the Draw Mohammed day, which was also an exercise in making Muslims less terroristy. Of course there has also been speculation that the crowning of a brown beauty queen (I don’t know, she looked more olive to me but whatever) means brown people are taking over the world and by world, I mean the USA. This of course is completely true. And if you think it’s not, think about how you are reading this on a brown blog written by a brown person who lives in a country that is bubbling over with brown people who were supposed to speak some kind of brown people language. And yet I am writing this in English! Think about that very carefully. We didn’t cross the border! The border crossed us! RAWR!

I Haz A Sad Department That Cries Cubicle Tears

I haz a sad that Pindeldyboz is calling it a day. The title of this post is taken from their sub guidelines.

We Sort Of Like You But Not Really And We Want You To Succeed We Just Don't Want You To Succeed Here Department

Dear Contributor,

Thank you for your interest in The Literary Magazine That Rejected You and for the opportunity to read your work. Unfortunately, we regret to inform you that we are unable to use the fiction you submitted. Thank you for giving us the opportunity to consider it and we wish you the best of luck in placing it elsewhere.

The Editors

This is the formest kind of form rejection. It is so form that not only have you been stripped of your identity, so have the editors, which is just really sad. It’s sad that your story can do that to editors. Let us look at the neat things you can do with a form rejection, not metaphorically or in terms of improving your writing but what you can do with the actual letter to make it funner and to raise the high quality of your daily life generally.

The 'In My Pants' Method

The 'in my pants' game is funny because you take the title of a song, stick ‘in my pants’ at the end and it’s just the most hilarious thing ever. Like ‘I am the girl you lost to cocaine in your pants’, and ‘nee oru kaathal sangeetham in my pants’. Adding these words in the right places can make the form rejection more funner. Like,

Dear Contributor In My Pants,

Thank you for your interest in my pants and in The Literary Magazine That Rejected You in my pants. Also thanks for the opportunity to read your work in my pants. Unfortunately, we regret to inform you that in my pants, we are unable to use the fiction you submitted. Thank you for giving us the opportunity to consider it and we wish you the best of luck in placing it elsewhere in my pants.

The Editors In My Pants

This version makes the rejection sting a lot less because it makes the magazine seem pervy in a bad way. Also the overuse of 'in my pants' in such a small space kind of makes it lose its humor, which is sad but inevitable like many things in life.

The We Are Occupy Your Rejections While We Are Waiting For Godot Method

Running the form letter through different online generators like this one does this.

Dear Contributor,

Thank you for you the fiction you that Rejected Your interest in placing it elsewhere.

Thank your work. Unform your Work and for your work. Unfortunately, we regret to infortunity to read you for the opportunity to use the fiction your interest in The Editors
Dear Contributor,

Thank you for you submitted. That we are unable to read your Work and for the opportunity to use the fiction you for you for the opportunity to use the fiction your work. Unform you submitted.

This turns the form rejection into something out of Waiting for Godot. This makes it awesome.





The Shakespearean Method

If you want to make yourself feel worse about your form rejection, you can intersperse it with Shakespearean insults, which can be found here. So you get something like this

Dear Contributor, thou caluminous idle-headed gudgeon,

Thou art a man of wax. But stay, and let us bid thee thanks for your interest in The Literary Magazine That Just Rejected You and for the opportunity to read your work, which confusion now hath made his masterpiece. Unfortunately, we regret to inform you that we are unable to use the fiction you submitted. So go, prick thy face and over-red thy fear, thou lily-liver'd boy. Thank you for giving us the opportunity to consider it though thou art essentially a natural coward without instinct. We wish you the best of luck in placing it elsewhere for thou art violently carried away from grace.

The Editors, who think you are a shallow cowardly hind, and you lie.

The Fight Xenophobia! Method

The best way to fight xenophobia is to translate work into the xenophobic language and then back into English so we can see that all languages are just like English except some people talk it funny. I conquered Japanese xenophobia by translating the form rejection letter into Japanese and then back into English to get

The contribution person who becomes love, your interest of the literature magazine which refuses your work for the opportunity which reads your work thank you. Regrettable, as for us we you the embankment the fiction which is put out not being used regret the fact that it informs. Thank you in order to give the opportunity which considers that in us we that, the best of appropriate luck is desired at the other place. Editor


The Your Father Has Many Cows And Yours Was the First House In The Village To Get Electricity Method

OrientalSpeek is a bit of an art because you need to make the speaker sound ornate and archaic like the Wise and Holy Colored Person but they also need to sound ever-so-slightly brain-damaged like their brain is leaking onto the floor as they speak. It is worth practicing this art because it is tremendously convenient and can be used across a wide range of "orientals", which include but are not limited to Chinese, Indians, Africans, Native Americans, homosexuals and differently-abled people. It does not apply to poor people because poor people can't talk. Anyway, a good way to practice OrientalSpeek is to transform a form rejection letter into OrientalSpeek.

A thousand prostrations at the feet of your ancestors, without whom your esteemed and illustrious narrative may have never seen the tender light of day, verily, may their names remain evergreen in the pastures of our memory

Like the most auspicious bubbling over of boiling milk, like sweet, clear water joyfully tumbling over a waterfall, our hearts sang with the joy of a million most blessed and heavenly birds for the chance to read with our most unworthy eyes, this noble, esteemed and illustrious narrative. Alas! Our publication which we dare to call a magazine, this filth, this cursed map of letters, this empty vessel of words cannot be the ship on which your bejeweled narrative sets sail. Tirelessly we toiled, beseeched the Gods and all the saints to show us a way to bring these precious words into our publication. But it was not to be. Our saints have turned away. Our Gods have wilted and grown impotent. We rend our flesh, curse our mothers and whip our children in shame. We tear our eyes out and cry to the silent skies, why was this useless bag of flesh given life, why did it create a literary magazine when it cannot publish words such as these? Why?
Our only solace in these dark times, where the monsoons hold back their sweet waters of succor, where the land lies parched, where no birds sing and where the Gods lie naked and dying, our only solace in all this is that your narrative will fly on the wings of a journal far worthier than ours and be kissed by the Sun, the Moon and sweet angels of mercy and love who have already forsaken us all.

We wish you abundant crops, much rain and many sons.

The Editors,
who unendingly praise the womb of your mother, that was rich and blessed enough to bring forth one such as thee

And before I go, awesome dialogue from some of my favorite awesome people in my real life

Awesome Person 1- He had a vegetarian Great Dane called Pinky.

Awesome Person 2- What happened, did it die of shame?



shruti said...

i remember thinking of you when watching've prob. already seen it.

Anonymous said...

sorry to seem to flood comments page, feel free to not post this:
1)Jaunty pose I say.
2) did the racist convicts escape from jail only to find themselves in sudden town flood? mysterious.

shruti said...

Now, I'm in serious danger of flooding comments page. maybe you'll think I'm like those nigerians spamming you. Horror. < O >(thats my alien face)
A lesson to read post through to last before hitting off keys 'as response', so here's after reading it whole.
I love the gibberish generator, I love it so much that I'm very strongly thinking of buying one and installing it on my desk. What a swell way to learn language that will be. I truly thank thee and your great munificence in sharing link to it.Ho, thanks, hosaaanna.

If I get rejected from someone mentioning cheeseburgers and, and esp, ending their rejection with a cheery 'okbai!', I know that editor would have been you:))

I was reading the stories on the 1st pg of wigleaf top 50 stories site, and didnt see owar own ladys name. I will check now.

This has been the funniest wittiest post ever, completely in teh sidesplittingly funny category. How you manage to sound intelligent through it is beyond me, I can only do one at a time--stupid monkey impersonations or sound intelligent, the latter most infrequent.
BTAIM(you figure, if you have toomuchtime,which I doubt) the shakespeare and the oriental and the inyour, reverse the order.. have taken me to another level of happiness. thank you for gigglestarting my day. in xx as they say.
actual, proper response to this awesome post, hopefully at night when I really come awake.
this has been a hyperbole morning, from my side hasnt it? but true.
if it helps, please dont publish any of it. might help me preserve the illusion, the maya, of sanity.

If you read carefully, you'll find not one single intelligent or worthwhile thing I've said, so its better not to post.

kuzhali manickavel said...

@ shruti- thanks for the link, i have seen it but it's certainly worth seeing again! i've heard a couple of interviews with Chimamanda Adichie and she talks about these issues,with a lot of grace, dignity, honesty and intellect, worth listening to, i hope all peepals will have a listen. also, are you the same shruti as the other shruti? in case you aren't i address linkless shruti separately

@ possibly other shruti- thank you for the nice things you said, esp. in the post you asked not to publish but i want to say i really appreciate your kind words so thank you :) we look very stylish in the photo, no? we thought we would look very stylish standing in water, little did we know we would become black and white and mans also.

you also asked what chapbook is, no? i'm afraid to say i don't know much about them. they are smallish, like pamphlets and the ones from ml press are actually single flash fiction pieces, i've read a few of them and i think they are really neat. i've seen a number of e-chapbooks as well, in fact i am planning on reading one by a neat guy called crispin best.

i don't think i answered your question at all

Tim Jones-Yelvington said...

"It does not apply to poor people because poor people can't talk."

Kuzhali Spivak, can the subaltern speak?

Your blog is smarter and funnier than 500 tomes of postcolonial feminist theory.

So much love,


shruti said...

Hayyo, such is my fate, I am that linkless one,the linkless luckless wan only.No, I aint cootie cool, aint even a kutty.
This linklessless is how I cover my tracks, leave no trace behind of my nefarious activities, get the if it's linkless, it ought to be me,
That anonymous in between is also me, dont know why site got coy about putting my name there, and there was ANOTHER post before that, which the blog completely ate up. Cannot imagine why.
Its because of all this verbal er runs, that the apologies for site flooding were proferred, and I still stand by the non posting, but am glad you did done.:) Thanks for thanking ya,;)

About coming out black and white, no problem, I am always going on about death of bw,film, sorry filim, so this is good, but turning into mans must have been trauma. You must tell sometime about how you managed to change back. or if did happen, you know I'm not judging. suspended states,I'm familiar with.
I dearly love chimamanda's writing, but didnt send that link. It's the other shruti, hello to you since you're the second same-name person I've come across recently, and its tied up all my identity issues and teeth in a bind. tough.
It's a lovely speech, have read a version of it somewhere on NYorker or somewhere and ofcourse always much more familiar to 'us indians'. :)

kuzhali manickavel said...

mr. fabulous! how awesome to see you here, so much love to you also :). of course the subaltern can speak as long as they find someone else to speak for them.

@ shruti- chimamanda adichie did a really good interview at the world book club, i think this is the right link, it's a podcast, free.

Random Doodler said...

Dear K,
You right the most brilliant pieces of stoned literature ever. E-v-e-r.

Over and Out.

kuzhali manickavel said...

dear random doodler, thank you so much i say :) i'm not even stoned when i write them so that's awesome!

this could also be a very bad thing, i don't really know.

Random Doodler said...

Yes, that is precisely why it's awesome. And i meant "write". And i also love your book. Just fyi.
I shall go back to lurking now.

kuzhali manickavel said...

thanks very much i say, glad to hear you like the book :) i hope you will delurk every so often and say hai

Vasudha said...

Your book is one of most delightful things I've ever read. Thanks for writing it. :)

kuzhali manickavel said...

hai vasudha, what an awesome thing to say, thank you so much. and thank YOU for reading it :)

yoga4dogs said...

Hey, I just read your piece "The Statue Game."

Lots of symbolism in the story. Was it biographical in some sense? The whole deal with the worn out idol of Krishna being reduced to so called "mannu" (Telugu?) and laying wayside on the side of a street after being flung from a bus seems to reveal a theme or am I reading too much into it? Excellent story telling device -- that idol of Krishna. Keeps the story tight.

I also notice the recurring theme of foreigners in India in your stories. Is it that prevalent these days? Why does that annoy you? (Or was that satire?). Are you really angry or is anger a creative vehicle to deliver you material?

Thanks for being an alternative to the prevailing drab prose; not that I am an avid reader or anything but I am just put-off by the recurring themes in immigrant fiction. Same old trials-and-tribulation nonsense; yes people get it and I am sick of it. For every Kavita, Mamta Patel, and Jhumpa Lumpa out there churning out material with verbiage sprinkled with regional language terms here and there, there is a Mira Nair waiting to turn watered down exotic crap to even more watered down consumable bite-sized pieces of slumdog exotica for the Starbucks sipping, NPR listening hipster crowd driving their Jettas to work where they work on Powerpoint slides all day.

I am done.

kuzhali manickavel said...

thanks for reading :) i used the tamil word mannu but maybe it has similar/same meaning in telugu, don't know. whatever theme you got from it is good and fine by me :)

-I also notice the recurring theme of foreigners in India in your stories. Is it that prevalent these days? Why does that annoy you? (Or was that satire?). Are you really angry or is anger a creative vehicle to deliver you material?-

i don't know, i think insects were a recurring theme in my stories as well but that doesn't necessarily mean they annoy me or i'm really angry at them ;)

priyanka said...

this post is really funny! have been it passing it along for the splits to multiply. love also the book - super writing, mind it ~also the wit and much humour. inspiration for some cynical realism video -the stories

kuzhali manickavel said...

hai priyanka, thanks for stopping by and saying nice things :) also thanks for reading my book, very much appreciating.


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