Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Bring The Injuns Home!

American publications often carry well-informed and just all-round really great articles about Injun people as a whole. This is because as with people from many countries, Injuns are best understood as a conglomerate of individuals who are essentially all the same. In this way, Injuns and people from other non-American countries are kind of like the Borg. The Huffington Post recently carried a piece on how to date an Injun, which I can only hope will serve as a cultural guide for generations to come. However, I was greatly shocked and saddened when I read a piece about Injuns in Time. This article is by a very sad man called Joel Stein. And Joel Stein is sad because his hometown is being taken over by Injuns. There are Injun restaurants and Injun cinemas and perhaps worst of all, there are Injun people.

I read this and could not help thinking that many years ago, in my own one number country, the same thing happened. White people began popping up all over the place and before we knew what was happening, we were the new fuckdoll for the British Empire. And they were here for a very long time. In many ways, they are still here and they will never leave.

We can't let this happen to America. America is our friend. America might invade us if we aren't nice to them. But perhaps most importantly, America is for Americans. So as a patriotic Injun speaking to fellow patriotic Injuns, I ask that you all consider joining my drive called Bring The Injuns Home! For too long, Injuns in India have been complacent. We have watched our own people sell members of their family so they could run away to the USA and never return. We have seen them win spelling bees as children. We have lauded them when they became astronauts or won Nobel prizes or wrote books in English. We have ignored them when they did porn and other non-Indian things. But now, it's time to bring them home.

This may not be easy. For instance, there may be Injuns who will say 'I'm American! I've never been to India! India scares me!' They may even try to prove their non-Injunness by saying that they don't know how to shit at the side of the road and they do not speak Hindu. Do not be duped! Think to yourself, What Would Joel Stein Do? Would he see this person and say, Ola, Fellow American! Or would he see one of the Indian Borg who are responsible for invading and ruining his hometown and start to cry? I know I would cry because I cry whenever I see British people in India. I sob uncontrollably, throw all my money at them (which is about 50 paisa) and say 'TAKE IT!!!! TAKE IT, YOU FILTHY RAPING BRITISH PEOPLE!!!! TAKE EVERYTHING!!!! TAKE IT ALL!!!!! TAKE MY BLOOD, YOU TEA-DRINKING CANNIBALWHORES!!!!'

Of course it is not enough to simply bring all the Injuns from America here and just dump them somewhere. I have a plan.

1. Rehabilitation- This will teach them that Indians belong in India. Extensive resource material and guidebooks have been made that illustrate what an American is and how Indians fulfill none of that criteria at all. It will become abundantly clear that unless said Indians turn into white people, they can never be American and hence, cannot be in America.

2. Patriotization- Certain rogue Injuns have even gone to the extent of becoming American citizens. Which is cute you know, like that kitteh wearing the hat. But we must be like the mamma kitteh suckerpunching the hat-wearing kitteh. We need to make them understand that just because they are American citizens does not mean they are Americans. This isn't that hard because studies have shown that you can take an Indian who is as American as Bobby Jindal, tell them 'Dude, you know you're really an Indian, right? You know that other Americans don't think you're an American, right? You know that you're the only person who thinks you're American, right?' and after moderate nostril-flaring, said Injun's shoulders will collapse, they will sigh and say 'Yeah, I know'.

3. A New Life- All relocated and rehabilitated Injuns will be given employment with Union Carbide and on the weekends, they will be encouraged to take part in community-enrichment activities sponsored by the We Love Warren Anderson fanclub.

Please. Don't rob Joel Stein of his hometown. Don't take away the ballgames and the hot dogs and the apple pie and whatever else Injuns are taking away from poor, helpless white Americans all across their American country.

Come on, India! Let's save America! Let's Bring The Injuns Home!

33 comments:

WiseDonkay said...

I think you have missed an incredibly important step in your plan. You have forgotten the part where 'Aa Ab Laut Chalein' is screened to the rogue Injuns!

But yes, let's bring them back. Im ready to sponsor plutonium light bulbs to make neon banner for Warrenji's Fan club!

kuzhali manickavel said...

I think you will agree that screening 'Aa Ab Laut Chalein' is an extremely extreme measure, which is why we have decided to use that only on the most rogue of rouguest Injuns.

On behalf of the Warren Anderson fanclub and the Bring The Injuns Home! Initiative, we salute your patriotism and sponsorship for this initiative initiativeness in initiation. Thanks to you, Joel Stein's America is one step closer to being saved.

shruti said...

I read what the esteemed Stein said, and what a pathetic, plainly racist and xenophobic article it is, fucking up on so many counts. There is no comment allowed on his page, or I would've told him to atleast go and learn how to write, so he can channel his hate better. But how he feels is clearly becoming and will continue to be an increasing problem, where people feel their 'original' rights taken, some legit, some descending to such rank racism. Look at next door bengaluru, you wouldnt imagine where all this anti-kannidiga hatred came from and it's been slowly building.And the grt number one country's no 1, increasingly economic right wing middle class, who cannot for the life of them understand or tolerate anyone outside of the capitalist, buying-selling space, such as rural ppl, poor ppl, tribal ppl....long list..their very existences seem pointless to these people, and they Are the rulers, this new deeply self-obsessed moneyed class.
despair, worry and rage have all got mixed together as reaction.

I think sadly, the injuns in question will refuse to come back, as that's why they left in the first place and I dont know abt your rehabilitation pgm then.:(

kuzhali manickavel said...

true, true, i think this happens everywhere. but not everyone gets a chance to write so awesomely about it in TIME!!!

Save America! Bring The Injuns Home!

shruti said...

:DDD
I know! Like how!
I see your steely, smiley determination to stick to your plan, and moved by its honest honesty, I'll throw my lot in with the 'Save America! Bring The Injuns Home!'initial initiative. it might just work. But I cannot, non-non, on pain of death, join the warren anderson fan club.
sory. ( like mallu sorry, Not the tamil sori!!)

Mark said...

Please please please don't take the Injuns all home, because all of the white folks will be unbearable. Imagine Joel Stein's essay after you have finished your plan. It will just say, "I told you so." and that won't take up much space, so the page will be filled witht ads for Lady Gaga shows and McDonald's hamburgers. And then I'll be sickened and will have to cancel my subscription to Time.

Oh, wait. I don't even read Time. Never mind.

Anonymous said...

Goddamn, what were the Time editors smoking?

kuzhali manickavel said...

@ shruti- Bring The Injuns Home! Initiative salutes your patriotism. The We Love Warren Anderson Fanclub hopes you'll change your mind.

@ mark- hai, mark. while i agree that stein-like essays may not be found in as much abundance as before, at least America will be saved and that's really our prime objective right now.

@ anonymous- i think they were smoking plutonium light bulbs

Chettinad Cow Girl said...

But then they will all come back and whine about the weather, traffic,corruption,dirt,lack of Star Bucks... see we Injuns living in India can whine about all of the above - excluding from list the Star Bucks.

kuzhali manickavel said...

this is certainly something we will consider and possibly enforce in the patriotization phase.

Space Bar said...

What is worse - apart from moaning about the lack of Starbucks - is, that the Returning Injuns™ will build gated communities with full generator back up, club house, swimming pool, and 24 hour private security plus solar-powered electric fences to keep the dirty natives out.

Melvin said...

Thanks for the laugh, Kuzhali. Now I've gotta read your book.

kuzhali manickavel said...

@ space bar- i don't know, i keep thinking of poor joel stein and i'm like, well if saving joel stein's america means me being kept out of gated communities in my own country because i am a dirty native, then so be it! i won't let america down!

@ melvin- thanks for reading, hope you read my book too :)

Awesomesauce said...

Found your site via SepiaMutiny.

Thanks for the laugh. Now I'm going to have to buy your book, dammit.

I love your lesson via the kitteh with hat smackdown by mamakitteh! Tee Hee.

kuzhali manickavel said...

hai awesomesauce, thanks for reading :) please buy my book. every time someone buys my book, an injun gets sent home!

Subashini said...

Oh, to be poignant and bloody effing hilarious at the same time! I mean, "we were the new fuckdoll for the British Empire"? *dies laughing*

*resurrected and alive again* It's a brilliant piece; thanks for writing it and showing the fuckwit Joel Stein what humour really is. I have gleefully linked to your response from my blog. (Okay, because it saves me having to write one of my own. But still.)

Civilian said...

Seriously, amazing. Thanks so much for writing this! Reading it made me feel much better after reading that Joel Stein crap.

kuzhali manickavel said...

@ subashini- thanks very much :) i really hope the Bring The Injuns Home! initiative will make joel stein happy and ok again

@ civilian- hai, thanks so much for reading :)

Glass Houses said...

Good article, but we Indians invented racism even when everybody looks alike. Its called the "caste system". Love to hear your response.

kuzhali manickavel said...

@ glass houses- thanks for reading and nice name :) I know we like to think we invented everything but honestly, I believe that every society in the world has its own social constructs for "keeping people in their place", its own reasons and manifestations of discrimination. And yes, we in India have the caste system, which I certainly have my own opinions on. But I would hate to think that somehow implies that I can't or shouldn't write about something I find to be bullshit. You may disagree but I don't see how or why the caste system of my country or my own caste issues should stand in the way of me voicing my opinion.

My piece was a response to the Joel Stein column. I'm not bothered about who he is, what color he is, what religion, if he's KKK, if he's a Scientologist, if he's got his own race issues or if he's into Tarvuism. I'm bothered by what he wrote and that's what I took issue with. I certainly hope that when people read my response, they don't think 'You can't talk about that! You have the caste system in your dirty country! How dare you talk about racism!' Because it would be a terrible thing if we started censoring people because they are somehow unqualified or not supposed to say anything because of crazy shit that happens in their own country. To quote Jay Smooth, I don't care what you are. I care about what you said. I honestly hope that same sentiment extends here.

Anonymous said...

Heh, cannot disagree. Delicious irony though that Columbus was looking for an easy way to get to India to get more smelly spices. Now that we Indians are here, nobody wants us or the spices ?!

Ok we should take them ALL back !

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_Indian_spices

kuzhali manickavel said...

absolutely, i think it needs to happen in waves. first we take back the injuns, then the spices.

Karishma said...

Point well made! And when did Time start supporting rascist entries? Don't the Americans have vampires, werewolves and Stephanie Meyer to worry about?

Anonymous said...

If you marry me, I'll make a sizeable donation to the initiative. Promise. Not only can you bring all Injuns home, you can help three generations of them overpopulate England. Marry me.

kuzhali manickavel said...

@ karishma- i think Time was trying to be "edgy". thanks for reading also :)

@ anonymous- so weird, i have been receiving requests to bring Injuns back from the UK and Australia too! where will we put them all? thanks also for marriage proposal. starting a blog seems to be very effective matrimonially speaking.

RG said...

thamizhachhi with attitude...liked discovering you. good luck with generally everything. let me know when you are in the mood for a soiree with middle-aged injuns discussing jersey.

kuzhali manickavel said...

hai rg, thanks very much :) hope you guys are getting ready to come back so we can save america!

Jayasankar said...

Man. America. I gotta see this place.

kuzhali manickavel said...

i heard that it's the happiest place on earth.

Sarpvinash said...

the injuns should be sent to reservations. and we already HAVE reservations!

kuzhali manickavel said...

see? everything's falling perfectly into place! america WILL be saved! gawd bless you JoelStein

Sarpvinash said...

Now the piece carries a message at the end from JoelStein that "I truly feel stomach-sick that I hurt so many people."
How stomach-sick? As stomach-sick as eating vadas at a thattagana on Triplicane high road.
See what you did! I hope you are happy now Kuzhali Manickavel!

kuzhali manickavel said...

i would sincerely like to apologize to joelstein sir if my blog post or the Bring Injuns Home! initiative was in any responsible for his loose motions

 

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