Saturday, June 5, 2010

Conversations- Health Drink Junkie Mutants

Before I get into the Conversations this week, I wanted to say, so let us think maybe like this it can happen, like maybe you buy this book and the plastic cover is hard to get off the book means what you do? You make a video of it, that's what you do! Add some cut-up 1930's recording of a reading by Bernard Shaw and a reversed Murcof song and boomboompow homibabas!

insects from beef cobbler on Vimeo.

It is true that my great love for this video clip may stem from the fact that my book features prominently in it. You should buy my book because each time someone buys a copy of my book, a kitten is born somewhere in the world and when it is born, it is smiling and having sweet thoughts of eviscerating unicorns. That is not a sweet thought. Forget I said that. Buy the book but forget I said that.

Anyway I am so glad that this very illustrious young man called Crispin Best made this video. If you are the enjoyment, you will probably also like his really neat blog which I really think is really neat. And if you go there, you can also download a chapbook of his called Men for freez (I just finished reading Men and I liked it very much). He also has other neat videos up on his vimeo page.

Stop Being Racist! Pay More Attention! Be More Alert! Do More Better!



K- Guess how many. Just guess.

S- Minus 117.

K- Six. I snorted six different kinds of health drinks in my youth. I should go for health drink rehab or something, I feel like a junkie.

S- You know what's really sad? You were FORCED to be a health drink junkie! Those health drinks were FORCED on you as a child!

K- This is very true.

S- Mug after mug, day after day, rainy season, hot season, every single blessed day was scorched and cursed with hot, malty, vomit-in-the-mouth health drinks!

Clearly you have some health drink issues.


Well I have issues too. My first issue is that these health drinks did not do what they were supposed to. Correct me if I'm wrong but they were supposed to turn me into an awesome athlete, an awesome cricketer, an awesome scientist and an awesome Bharatanatyam dancer.

S- That's exactly what they were supposed to do.

K- And none of these things has happened. My awesome athletics career began and ended with Marchpast.

S- I didn't know Marchpast was considered athletics.

K- They kicked me out of Marchpast because I was not only making everyone march incorrectly, I also had the ability to bring team morale down to surprising lows.

I got kicked out because I thought it was 'March Fast' so I was like, isn't that like running? Apparently it wasn't.

K- Ok, so we both lost out in the Awesome Athletics Division. Awesome Cricketer Division?

S- Chee. Cricket is for boys.

K- Oh yes, I keep forgetting that. Many people don't know that the reason why women can't play cricket is because our long hair and love for the color pink disable our cricketing abilities.

Very true. I think that's why women can't do so many things. Long hair and love of pink things disables us.

K- So we are fail in the Awesome Cricketer Division but that's not because of the health drinks, it's because we are women and therefore disabled.

S- Correct.

K- Ok, next. Awesome Scientist Division. My excessive health drink habit failed to save me from falling asleep during every single science class I ever attended in my entire life. So while my sleeping skills developed at an extraordinary rate, the scientist in me quietly coughed and died.

S- I didn't take science group in school.


S- Yeah.

K- I can't believe you just said that! Do you realize what you just said?!? Why didn't you take science group, are you a terrorist? Is there something wrong with you?

S- Why is it that whenever I say I didn't take science group in school people act like I just told them I ate a fetus?

K- You are Awesome Scientist Fail.

Epic Fail.

K- Ok, that leaves the Awesome Bharatanatyam Division, which is something all Real Indian Women should excel at, no?

S- I used to sit beside a girl who used to do Bharatanatyam. She kept accusing me of staring at her which was really creepy because most of the time, I didn't even know she was there.

K- I'm really good at my own personal style of dancing which is like dappankoothu-creative modern dance- random deep shoulder movements. Bharatanatyam, no.

S- I wonder where all those years of health drink healthiness went. I hope it's not stockpiled inside us, ready to turn us into health drink junkie mutants.

K- If we turn into health drink junkie mutants, I think we will be just like the health drinks that created us.

S- Meaning we will be hot, malty and vomit-in-the-mouth?

K- Meaning we won't actually do anything. And we will be hot, malty and vomit-in-the-mouth also.

an edited version of this appeared in The New Indian Express Zeitgeist Supplement, Multiverse, Conversations, June 5, 2010


Paras said...

So the Milo hangover has carried over to this convo!

I am also Awesome Phail at most of those things, including Bharatnatyam...but I swear if you have Sona-Chandi-Plutonium Chywanprash (which I can get you at best price of 1 paisa), you will turn into all of the mentioned Awesome things. In return u will have to bear with minor tremors, tics and sometimes sudden bouts of deep shoulder movement dance.

But it will work! and you will run 1000 m marathon in 30 secs while writing a paper on theory of relativity and then bowl at 180 mph while Bharatnatyaming!

kuzhali manickavel said...

-you will run 1000 m marathon in 30 secs while writing a paper on theory of relativity and then bowl at 180 mph while Bharatnatyaming-

i have also heard that it will make you cure cancer and be more indian, which i think means it will help you go to america. this in itself is a huge incentive to have this one number Sona-Chandi-Plutonium Chywanprash, even if the best price you quote is rather exorbitant.

silk smitha and disco shanti said...

but sahid kapoor and ayesha takia became film *stars*.
(Random fact that i too was a quizzer once-----)
The kids in that complan ad once upon a time were sahid and ayesha...and sahid supposedly dances well...!!
and oh no..i juust rememberd maltova...!!!!

kuzhali manickavel said...

and also aftab shivdasani was complan kid, no? see how starry they all are.

maltova and viva were very high on the vomit-in-the-mouth scale, imo

shruti said...

:) :) ) to the drinks talk. I See all the hailth drink peepals are here. Hello to everyone.:)
k-- you're spot on that the new improved, precious metal-rich chyawanprash makes you more indian. Could you confirm its guaranteed to send you to americaness, I have a lot of people interested.
much louvve to everyone

kuzhali manickavel said...

confirmation is forthcoming from america. in the meantime, allow me to share some honorable indian side-effects of america of this chyawanprash, which include having children who will win spelling bees and will go on to be scientists or doctors. if you take vast amount of chyawanprash, these children will never be gay and who will never marry non-indian people. this chyawanprash will also make you greet every non-Indian you meet with the phrase 'indians are hard-working, respectful, non-violent and they love to dance', which is extremely effective in combating terrorism at the grassroots level.

shruti said...

this will be boombastic! Just what we need. Such bad press we are getting no, like today when everyone complaining about uncaring and *&&*(&(calling names also) indian govt after bhopal case ruling. chee, so unpatriotic.what do you mean, 'dont poor people's lives matter?' Like duh.
this is good method. govt also might're doing good job on reporting all this. you might get medal.really.

kuzhali manickavel said...

today is truly a day to be so proud to be indian that you run to america. as i understand it, it took about 26 years to hand out 2 year jail terms to 8 peeps and of these 8 peeps one is dead and the rest made bail for killing about 15000 people.

india shining. like superblingsparkly shining.

shruti said...

. Yes, it's shining so much that all the fuckers' cheeks are stretched, shiny from all the smiling.
so many many years of patient, peaceful protest..last year they camped in delhi for so many months, and there's just ..nothing.ever. All that for the case to come to a mere state court which gives it wah what justice verdict.I dont know how a jessica lal case can get to the supreme court and not the murder of thousands of ordinary people.
monkey men in stylish sunglasses go there, pick up the soil and say, 'not toxic, see, see'..I dont know how all our bloods havent boiled and erupted out of bodies.
and they wonder why anyone would want to blow these bastards up.

kuzhali manickavel said...

epic fuckup, on so many levels, in so many ways

shruti said...

sorry about much invective spewing I seemed to have done.If you want to feel more enraged, there's the most bizarre unbelievable editorial in the indian express today,delhi, that asks us sods to just 'build a memorial' and move on, bhopal is 'so much more than this'; and that 'activists are milking a tragedy'.Man,I have some ideas on what I want to do to this so called journalist. And this is the one issue where activists have spoken less than the actual affected people, so that's not true either.
It's truly a lala land with only machinations and weirdos ruling, starting with 'india loves you mr bush' prime ministers.
oh sorry.

kuzhali manickavel said...

memorials apparently make everything ok.

shruti said...

nothing like a pillar of granite on our graves! good for the spirit.:)

I'll return to 'work' and let you too, who might be really doing some.

shruti said...

Hey k,
here's a link to an article on MIA, you might've seen it yourself. But when I read it, thought of you, so here it is:

kuzhali manickavel said...

thanks, have been meaning to read this. i heard the dis track she made about the article

X said...

As screwed as the whole Bhopal thing is: I don't think running to America is the answer. In America right now, the Deepwater Horizon Oil Spill is shaping up to be the worst oil spill in history (or at least in the top 3). The death toll was only 11 for humans, but probably in the tens of thousands for dolphins, sea turtles, and countless other critters. It's going to have a major impact on sea life in the Gulf of Mexico for decades if not centuries. And you can be pretty sure no one will ever go to jail. Nobody even seems to be talking about that. They just talk about "paying for damages". Like that will do the dolphins any good.

I have to say, I get sadder about the dolphins and turtles than I do about people. Even when it's nice poor people getting killed by evil rich corporate people.

You know what's freaky? I buy All-Out. I buy foods that have been grown on farms that use pesticides. I drive a petrol-powered vehicle, and I pay for the petrol. It is, in part, MY money that funded the Union Carbide plant in Bhopal and the Deepwater Horizon rig. Those UC guys should have got much harsher sentences, yeah. But you know what? I'm guilty too, and I'm getting off scott free.

kuzhali manickavel said...

!!gasp!! what are you saying? isn't america the beautifulbeautiful place where everything is green with money and everyone will love us because we are indians who are hard-working, respectful, non-violent and they love to dance??

ok seriously though,

-I buy All-Out. I buy foods that have been grown on farms that use pesticides. I drive a petrol-powered vehicle, and I pay for the petrol. It is, in part, MY money that funded the Union Carbide plant in Bhopal and the Deepwater Horizon rig. Those UC guys should have got much harsher sentences, yeah. But you know what? I'm guilty too, and I'm getting off scott free.-

very good point, i think that applies to a lot of us.

Paras said...

Thanks to your promotion of Sona-Chandi-Plutonium Chywanprash, sales have skyrocketed, and now I have enough money to purchase your book. But since this is all taxable, I have hidden it in my pillow covers and haven't applied for any credit card.

Is it possible to order from Blaft online without a credit card? I promise to pay good money when the book is delivered to me :D

kuzhali manickavel said...

i am very happy to hear this. i feel selling Sona-Chandi-Plutonium Chywanprash is probably less painful than selling a kidney.

i also heard that someone took some Sona-Chandi-Plutonium Chywanprash and it removed their medulla oblongata. this must have been more painful than selling a kidney

yoga4dogs said...

dappankoothu-creative modern dance- random deep shoulder movements.

Is there a dance called "dappankoothu?" What is an example of deep shoulder movement?

By the way, one of these days, our dance routines from the 70s and 80s will be used in research and will be the focus of many Ph.D. dissertations.

How can you translate various fruits falling in slow motion in large colorful pails on an empty beach over a beautifully clad woman in a Bharatanatyam pose? I wonder what the director must have been thinking. Was this the result of a compromise between the artistic director and the producer? How else can someone explain fruits? Why fruits? Fruits and female anatomy? Ripe and Juicy? Is that the idea?

kuzhali manickavel said...

random deep shoulder movement is when you just move your shoulders randomly and with great feeling. sounds silly but you'll notice it is a very common and popular step with people around the globe. as to the fruits, maybe they just had a lot of them. must hurt though, having a bunch of apples and mangos falling on your head so maybe they just didn't like the woman

i think dappankoothu is a type of song as well as dance, here is example though i don't think it's classified as proper koothu


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