Saturday, July 31, 2010

Conversations- okbai.

Before getting into the Conversations, just wanted to say that this is my last column with The New Indian Express. We are unfortunately no longer a couple but we remain the best of friends and hope the media will respect our privacy at this difficult time. I may continue the Conversations here on the blog and use more bad werds in them but it will probably be way more sporadic or they may die away completely and give rise to other new and exciting things. Who can say? And now, at the risk of sounding like an Academy Award acceptance speech, I want to thank all peepals who read the column and told me what they thought of it, even if they thought it was all a bleddynahnsense. Special shout-out to those who took the time to comment on the column on this blog, you are all awesome terrorist peepals and I am appreciating you like I appreciate this elephant jumping on trampoline.

elephant trampoline



K- You're talking about the underwear, right?

S- What?

K- Hipster. You're talking about the underwear, yes?

S- No.

K- Really? Wow.

S- I'm scared to ask what you thought that whole 'hipster racism' conversation was about.

K- It wasn't about racist underwear?

S- No, the hipsters I was talking about are a kind of American. Or they're mostly American. Or something. I'm not really sure what they are.

K- You talk about Americans way too much. I bet Americans don't talk about you half as much as you talk about them.

S- I can't help it, I'm Indian. I love talking about how cultureless and depraved America is but I will sell my children for the chance to go there and work in a convenience store.

K- India clearly needs more convenience stores.

S- Anyway, I want to know about these hipster people. Because apparently, they say racist things but they say those things because they're NOT racist. Isn't that interesting?

Not as interesting as replacing the word 'racist' with 'slow jogger'. Let's do that!

S- I mean, how are we supposed to know these hipsters are not racists?

K- 'I mean, how are we supposed to know these hipsters are not slow joggers?' Hey, that's neat!

Maybe they have some kind of special ID.

K- Who cares? We live in India! Who cares about slow jogger underwear Americans?

S- But what if one of them came here?

K- They'll get loose motion and go home.

S- Oh my God.

K- What?

S- I just remembered this show I saw where they described a dance as having very loose motion.

K- Oh my God.

S- I know! I couldn't watch the rest because 'loose motion' seemed to be a very popular way of describing this particular form of dance. Anyway, I'm going to go figure out this hipster racism thing.

K- Please do. American hipster racism is such a flabbergastingly serious problem in India.


S- Maybe you can't appreciate the awesomeidiosyncrasy of American hipster racism because you're Indian. Let me Indianize it for you.

K- Let me guess. You're going to neatly replace 'racism' with 'casteism'. Because racism and casteism are EXACTLY the same.

S- Yes.

K- Are you on drugs? Seriously, are you?

S- Look, what would you do if an American hipster came here and said something racist to you and you retaliated because you didn't know that person was actually not racist?

K- I wouldn't retaliate at all. I'd shake them down for money.

S- What?

K- Seriously, I do that to all the foreigners I meet.

S- Even the NRIs?

K- Especially the NRIs.

S- Let me guess. You sell them those yellow cloth bags for twelvtythousand rupees.

K- That's so Old Skool. I sell them pieces of extremely low quality paper and say it's handmade by Indian slum children who have no hands.

S- That is so wrong.

K- It really is, considering that the paper actually comes from cheapud half-quire note.

S- The low quality paper probably makes it more authentically Indian.

K- One time I told this guy that I had sold my kidney and needed money to buy it back. I even showed him a scar.

S- Oh, that's good.

K- Yeah, that was awesome because the scar was actually on my arm. But it all worked out in the end.

S- I think being mean to foreigners and NRIs is racist.

K- I think being mean to foreigners and NRIs is a slow jogger!

S- These conversations are racist.

K- These conversations are a slow jogger!

S- I think I should go.

K- Are you coming back?

No. Are you?

K- No.

S- okbai.


an edited version of this appeared in The New Indian Express Zeitgeist Supplement, Multiverse, Conversations, July 31, 2010


Space Bar said...

Ohnoes! Please tell me this is all not my fault?

And please continue conversations here? Pretty please? I will put bigbig eyes in exchange for the awesome elephant on tramp.

Cinna the Poet said...

Sad. I did enjoy reading them, having wandered over here thanks to a certain Joel Stein.

shruti said...

dear km
I haz deep sad, on learning k and s wont be speaking no more. 'I haz a sad' is my newest learning this year, tanks and congrats inventor! it's too cool.:))
I haz very sad because I hadnt even gotten around to writing all the louvely feelings the conversations had made enter my heart,and kept hoping to do it sometime-procrastinators, beware.which is now all very sad.
But...underwear wale zindabad.:)
I wont ask why, why, because I must respect your privacy as you ask.
but, that elephant..that pooor thing I say. totally paavam, it is my favrute animals,and it is harting me to see it thus jumping. it is in agony, you cant tell because it's too startled each second:)) che pooor thing.:D

kuzhali manickavel said...

@ space bar- totally not your fault, gawdpromisemotherpromise :) elefant on trampoline is all kinds of awesome, no?

@ cinna the poet- thanks for reading and thanks to joel stein for prompting you to wander here! aw, he's really a good li'l injun after all ;)

@ linkless shruti- the elefant is actually very happy, it's listening to raghav's angel eyes and jumping up and down at the same time. listen to the song and watch the elefant, really i am saying ya

shruti said...

okay, if you say, I will give a listen. but I doubt it if this raghav is that indian kid with the weird accent and music I didnt like, but I hope it's a different raghav

I second space bar's suggestion. :D

kuzhali manickavel said...

iyo. i feel it is that one number raghav wonly. but the elefant is totes into the song and jumps along very stylishly.

maybe we should have a conversations between raghav and the elefant

WiseDonkay said...

WhoaMyG-Dawg! No more conversations? Is there a foreign hand involved, is it because of Warrenji, have you been sentenced to death in racism jail? What what what?

For realz though, we can haz more convos? I'm all used to them now.

kuzhali manickavel said...

i can't deny that things are not looking good in the racism jail. but this has less to do with death row and more to do with the fact that they have painted everything pista green and it just looks really gross.

for realz, i will try and maintain the convos here but they may not happen also or they may morph into something else also.

Random Doodler said...

You cannot stop Conversations. Cannot. Cannotcannot.
Over and out.

kuzhali manickavel said...

hey, it's the random doodler! :)

the management will make every effort to continue the conversations. but if they don't, please don't think badly of the management

Aishwarya said...

I will miss being on the same page as you.

kuzhali manickavel said...

i will miss being on the same page as you too. i will miss looking at your picture and wishing i had taken a picture where i had more hair and less baldness happening.

Aishwarya said...

You can carry off baldness, I cannot!
I will miss envying this.
(You have caused me much sadness)

kuzhali manickavel said...

i haz a sad that i have caused you much sadness. please accept this piece of bad poetry created by a bad poetry generator as my apologies

i haz a sad that i have caused you much sadness
Moored among the coasters and lighters
Make love, it hurts less
The Beatles were high when they wrote Helter-Skelter

also the werd 'sad' appears in this comment section alot

shruti said...

oh, there's so much sad here.
let's have a conversation between raghav and the elefant. Your idea.good idea. Elefant has just communicated to me in tiny inaudible shrieks, in the split seconds it's in the air that it agrees.It's quite happy its informed me, so I take back my concern of earlier. Animal-peepals get like that you know. But they're quite friendly to humans also.

I know, which one will know more words and can spell and everything in that conversation. E & R. R for Cracked or mental.No, no. For Loose.

kuzhali manickavel said...

E- what does R stand for?

R- Loose.

E- Loose starts with 'L'

R- What are you saying?

E- I'm saying loose starts with L and you are R

R- I don't understand what you're saying.

E- ok.

R- Does that mean I win?

E- Yes.

shruti said...

Oh man, you did it! Tanks!! I cant believe I had something to do with it:) Thanks, wow.:)

I also think their conversation is kind of profound. Deep like.

Only note of sad, that Loose R wins. But also pleased, E, as hoped is so peaceable and lovely. I love E. I have two elephants at home, both called Elli. Feeding them takes a long while. They're really called Elli. Very imaginative of me, I know.

kuzhali manickavel said...

i once knew this person who knew another person who when that another person was small and living in her native village, their family actually owned an elephant and when that another person came home from school the elephant would be waiting for her at the end of the road

the first person may have made this up entirely or i may have heavily embellished this but the fact remains that having an elephant waiting for you when you come home from school is awesome. it's like a commercial for a bank or life insurance and it's very indian also

shruti said...

It's far better than any commercial.It's really tinga-linga-ling, super duper awesome to have an elephant waiting for you when you come home! It's extra special when it happens when you come from school, that really tops it. That's one lucky person. (It's so much better than being greeted by a glass of maltova.)
They're just the thing for the tired spirits-elephants not maltova. Dont jump on you also. And I've got two.Grateful for my extraordinary luck,I bow down to the munificence of the heavens.
Thanks and thanks ya.

kuzhali manickavel said...

i think it would probably be very painful and possibly death-inducing if an elephant jumped on you. even moreso if two elephants jumped on you

shruti said...

Hee hee. You're absolutely right to point the most important point there. I am therefore, grateful that it hasn't occurred to them yet.
That original 'thanks and thanks ya' was for you to have started all this off in more ways than one.
I hope k-s come any place they like, the world is wide.

Sharanya said...

Adding more sadness to the sad fiesta... :(

Can a fiesta be sad? Only you might have the answer.

kuzhali manickavel said...

@ shruti- heydontmentionya :) and yes, the world is wide, imma sure they'll be back in some form or another

@ sharanya- a fiesta of sadness is when we think of the gladness that we once hadness

this is why i never became a poet also

supposed former lurker junkie said...

Oh noes, oh noes! Now I haz wish I lurked less and told you how awesome I thinked the conversations were. You no stop them, plisss?

kuzhali manickavel said...

hai supposed former lurker junkie :) we will definitely take all measures and steps and measured steps to try and not stop conversations. even if they do stop tho we hope you will unlerk thyself because we like your languages


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