Saturday, August 7, 2010

i'll be your cryin' shoulder, i'll be love's suicide, i'll be do-do-do-do-do-do, i'll be the greatest man of your life

This blog title is stolen from the song My Rollercoaster by Kimya Dawson. When I first heard this line, I was like, oh my god that is such a womantic and dweamy thing to say. And then I thought, actually that is such a disturbing thing to say. Because it's one thing to tell a manperson, manperson you are the greatest man of my life. It's quite another thing if said manperson says I'll be the greatest man of your life, like you don't actually get any say in the matter and it is a threat or something. Moments like that make you think of movies where the hero will be so angry with the heroine for being a woman or wearing pants or something and it's clear he wants to kill her and rape her repeatedly at the same time but instead he says, I'm going To Marry The Fuck Out of You! Just Wait And See, You…Woman! And he says that like he wants to kill her and rape her repeatedly at the same time, like maybe marriage and simultaneous murder/rape are the same thing in his eyes and it makes you wonder, hmmm, is this a person other people should be having babies with? And if he marries people he clearly wants to murder and rape, what does he do to people he likes? The mind boggles.

But who wants to make babies with someone like that when you can make babies with a REAL monster! Yay!

Wealthy people with credit cards can now order this book online! Unwealthy people can start selling their internal organs so they can buy it from a store very soon!

I'm sorta not sure whether I should talk about this next thing I'm going to talk about because it deals with Hindi women writers and I am only one woman and I don't know Hindi. But apparently there is some kind of race happening among these Hindi women writers about who is the greatest prostitute. I admit, I'm a little confused by this because I didn't know they held races for that kind of thing. But this must be true because the Vice-Chancellor of Mahatma Gandhi International Hindi University said so. If that article made you angry and you want to throw something at this illustrious man, you can't because that's not nice. You could sign this petition though. I do want to say that I think maybe the main problem is a basic feeling among many of the peepals that if a man writes about sex, he is edgy and vulnerable and awesome and a writer. If a woman writes about sex, she is just shamelessly shaking her uterus in everyone's face and let's face it peepal, uterus-shaking is gross. Apparently, it leads to racing prostitutes. Or something.

In the last post, I mentioned Raghav's song Angel Eyes and I was not surprised at the Raghav hate that happened because Raghav hate is understandable. Many people mentioned his accent also and as someone who gets a lot of grief for my accent as well, I thought, in the way of a Public Service Message, I would put out some friendly advice for those folks who are doing what is variously known as Putting the Peter or the PutOn Accent. In other words, people who are putting on fake American accents because they think this is something that will help them make friends all the time and they will win at everything forever.

Let us not go into the complicated and sad worlds of people who have to deal with their own real accents because it's just complicated and sad when people think you're not 'talking properly' on purpose because they think you are arrogant because you have an accent. Let's not go into all that. Let us instead talk about how it feels to be around someone who is clearly American-accent free and then, with no one ahead warning also, they suddenly start talking with a PutOn accent. Maybe you are under the impression that doing this makes everyone look at you and think, This Impressive American Person is Impressive And I Am Impressed! This is a false. Speaking in sudden PutOn accent makes people want to grab your face and say 'OH MY GOD STOP, WHAT ARE YOU DOING? HAVE YOU GONE INSANE? DO YOU WANT EVERYONE TO HATE YOU? ISN'T THE WORLD SAD ENOUGH WITHOUT YOUR FAKE AMERICAN ACCENT? WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU???'

PutOn accents are one of those unique things that embarrass EVERYBODY who is within the range of the PutOn accent. It is the Emperor's New Clothes where everyone can plainly see you are the nudies but no one says anything because while we are flabbergasted at your strange languages, we want to make fun of you for it later. PutOn accents make children cry. They give dogs rabies. Every time someone speaks with a PutOn accent simply to put scene, the hole in the ozone grows bigger and kittens die. So please. Before putting on the PutOn. Before you casually start throwing around the word 'nigga' in your spoken conversation because you think it's AwesomeAmerican lingo and all those black people on TV do it so that must mean everyone can, think of what this man is saying to you.

funny animated gif

And now, musics for the masses. This week we celebrate these awesome songs

Bang by Rye Rye

Break Ya Neck by Busta Rhymes

Something Bigger, Something Better by Amanda Blank

Mere Daftar Main Ek Ladki Hai by Pradeep Roy (special shoutout to my homibabas from college who won't admit to singing this song and probably don't read this blog either but whatever)

MIA- Paper Planes Brentwood Redux- "These shades were made in Sri Lanka. Don't you DARE write anything else funny about me!" also i want blonde white servant person. is that racist to say? probably. im sorry.



Sharanya said...

What? That song's, like, a lazy lift of Edwin McCain's "I'll Be". See here: Mr McCain also didn't talk about doo doo. -_-

And yay, you don't know Hindi either! My peepals increaseth.

kuzhali manickavel said...

this is true. although she also sings bette midler, willie nelson, metallica, tom cochrane and sheryl crowe in that song also so at least mr. mccain is in good company. sorta.

Sharanya said...

Ah okay! Sort of like a song cento, maybe? Didn't really look at the rest of the lyrics. The difference between a rabid plagiarist and a non-rabid non-plagiarist is the sense to call it a cento.

Delux said...

I adore the finger of shame.

Anonymous said...

I feel like flashing this Uncle, really badly

shruti said...

'Let us not go into the complicated and sad worlds of people who have to deal with their own real accents because it's just complicated and sad when people think you're not 'talking properly' on purpose because they think you are arrogant because you have an accent.'

I totally totally hear you and feel samesame. The whole accent thing, particularly American is complicated, brings on all that you've said it brings on, but if it's there, it's there. the anger starts precisely with suspected petering. As the bad person who did raghav-hate with the accent, I actually meant it in pretty much this way, it always seemed a little fishy, like it wasn't his own, put on etc. But now I think he is supposed to have grown up someplace abroad and so the accent, which is fine, what can anyone do about how they speak? but the music, er..still bad, and I am sorry to say that my prejudice against the music probably seeped in, toward's the man as well and and I said bad things abt his accent. My bad. That's one breathless unnecessary thing, as most things I say. sigh.

I'm glad you're talking about the vc. As probably one of the few ppl who know hindi here, this is old trouble and needs its share of shoe-chappal flung at the good man, adn there are plenty like him around. I think he later 'apologised' or something.whatever.

also, isnt boob-shaking just as bad as uterus shaking? I find that gets pious, nice men off into a rage a lot, I might even accused of that someday soon, so just checking.

shruti said...

this is important, where did the poor elephant go? bandwidth police.

kuzhali manickavel said...

@ sharanya- why so it is! and i learned new werd also :)

@ delux- ohai! it IS rather adorable, no? and shameful also

@ anonymous- flashing as in blatantly writing flash fiction or flashing as in blatantly showing off your matrimonial areas? both are very flashy and dangerous things to do.

kuzhali manickavel said...

@ shruti- i think the accent baggage is linked with our English baggage, which is totes understandable and which is why i find the PutOn so flabbergasting. i wasnt actually referring to you on the raghav-hate, other peepals off the blog had accent issues, some were funny, others were scary, all were interesting, so only i wrote. no grief, you are still a homibaba terrorist peepal :)

if you ever get accused of bewbie shaking, please let us know. im not sure what we will do about it but let us know anyway.

elefant went missing, no? this is what you get for trying to link legitimately instead of copypaste stolen gifs :(

shruti said...

Ah, much explained about the elephant. Poor thing, wonder where it is, looking for its trampoline.the two ellis are sending it secreat elephant-code to trace it and also reassure it.
Yes, do legit and they'll tell you you're stupid.

Hahahaha!! Thanks for saying the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me!That I'm a homibaba terrorist peepal! Super! I'm a proud one! Think I should get a badge made like that or t shirt and wear it.:D

Anyday now, I expect that wagging finger.So far, I'm shaking and shaking, and got away with just perked eyebrows.Really, Indians--polite?? My neighbour who I see probably once a year, near the overflowing watertank, saw me and said 'expecting?wink wink. or a thyroid thing? You should check you know, not normal,weight like this'.
WHy bother, she is concerned enough for the two of us.

I do hope the sympathetic to boobyshaking brigade will come to my aid, when the attack happens. I mean, they're my boobies...

kuzhali manickavel said...

you should totally get a t-shirt that says i'm a homibaba terrorist peepal. it will help us to locate you if and when you are attacked for bewbieshaking. in the meantime, we are sending a flying squad to give your neighbor an awarding award for showing overwhelming concern for expectings and thyroid things among her fellow neighbors

shruti ravi said...

kuzhaliii, you know i was thinking today could be like an indian etgar keret and that'd be so cool.i

then they'd make movie adaptations of the one odd novel that you do and give it lovely gore-y names.painful interviewer type Q.what would you like a future book's future movie adap to be called kuzhali?tell us! *creepy salesman grin*

-linkful different shruti

kuzhali manickavel said...

hai linkful shruti :), that would indeed be very cool. conversely, it would probably be epic lolz if etgar keret became known as israel's kuzhali manickavel.

i'm hoping that my future book's future movie adaptation will be of my epically epic novel All These Bitches Is My Sons. it has immense potential for sequels, musicals, cartoon series and cookbooks so i'm sure it will be a winner

shruti said...

@ shruti ravi-- Hello different person and linked at that!
km- I knew it had to be that book!
thanks for the flying squad. As its resources must be limited, I'll go give her an award myself. It is rare, such concern afterall.

-the still, sad, linkless one.

kuzhali manickavel said...

it is indeed a rare thing. i think if more neighbors showed this kind of concern for their fellow neighbors, we would have less thyroids in our country

G said...

Hi Kuzhali!
I love your book. wanted to share my favorite website with you have you seen it before?
G :)

kuzhali manickavel said...

hai G, thanks for louing my book :) and what an awesome site!!! why haven't i seen this before? fullfull impress i am, thanks for the link :)

G said...

LOL ok so you just made my day!
Im trying real hard not to sound like a fanboy but your writing is beautiful! - dont worry im not going to get a Jam that bread of life tattoo (hm...) - i just wanted to tell you.
ALSO wanted to say that it was the first time i read anything that thought about or felt for Chennai the way I do :)

kuzhali manickavel said...

aw, thank you so much i say, i am appreciating so much :)

a Jam that bread of life tattoo would be very neat and would maybe confuse people also

Scherezade said...

You don't speak Hindi? Do you you speak Punjabi? Even if you don't, i think you will find within yourself to love this video. It is like the queen of all things awesome.

Enjaai! ;)

kuzhali manickavel said...

watte watte i say! i am appreciating this very much, even though i don't speak hindi or punjabi

i especially love how he walks into The Corral and there's punjabi song playing in the background. i think they could not find punjabi equivalent to bad to the bone tho


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