Saturday, October 2, 2010

Conversations- The Conversation Terrorist

S- You’re kidding, right?

The Conversation Terrorist- You don’t want to talk to me. I can tell.

S- How can you say that?? I’ve been talking to you for the past 6 hours when there was nothing to talk about in the first place.

The Conversation Terrorist- You never want to talk to me. You talk to everyone else but you never talk to me.

S- It's humanly impossible for this conversation to go on. If we keep going, someone will go crazy and start eating their own face. And by someone I mean me.

The Conversation Terrorist- See? You don’t want to talk to me.

14 hours later.

The Conversation Terrorist- So. Tell me something.

S- I can’t feel my ears. Also, I feel like killing myself. Repeatedly.

The Conversation Terrorist- You’re acting like you don’t want to talk to me.

3 days later.

S- I need to go to the bathroom.

The Conversation Terrorist- You can take your phone into the bathroom, no? Unless you don’t want to talk to me.

S- No no. You’re right. I’ve always wanted you to hear me pee.

The Conversation Terrorist- Don’t drop the phone down the toilet. If you do, I’ll think you don’t want to talk to me.

5 days later.

The Conversation Terrorist-
I think you don’t want to talk to me.

S- Sorry, I fell asleep.

The Conversation Terrorist- Because you don’t want to talk to me.

S- One day, possibly very soon, I will die. Who will you talk to then?

The Conversation Terrorist- No idea. You have any suggestions?

The next day

K- OHAI!!!

The Conversation Terrorist- It’s 3 in the morning.

Why didn’t you call me?

The Conversation Terrorist- It’s 3 in the morning.

K- Is it? I don’t have any clocks in my house.

The Conversation Terrorist- Why not?

K- I don’t believe in time. I think it’s a CIA plot.

The Conversation Terrorist- My father thinks the CIA are the ones causing all the problems at the CWG.

K- Your father sounds like a great man. Actually why I called you means...

8 seconds later

The Conversation Terrorist- Hello?

K- Yes?

The Conversation Terrorist- Why aren’t you saying anything? Why you called means?

K- Oh right! Why I called means I wanted to warn you about what happens sometimes when people call me.

The Conversation Terrorist- You put your phone in the mixie.

K- I only did that once. What happens is sometimes people call me and all their major internal organs just spontaneously fall out of their body. Has that ever happened to you?

The Conversation Terrorist- Why do you say such things? I think maybe a lot of people find it very irritating when you say things like this. Especially when you call at 3 in the morning.

K- I think maybe a lot of people can go fuck themselves.

The Conversation Terrorist- I think you only use such language because you really don’t want to talk to me.

Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck.

The Conversation Terrorist- See?

K- Fuckity Fuckity fuckfuckfuck.

The Conversation Terrorist- I know you don’t want to talk to me but- Hello?

16 seconds later.

K- I hung up on you.

The Conversation Terrorist- I thought it got cut.

K- No, I hung up on you because I thought you didn’t want to talk to me.

The Conversation Terrorist- Ok, be serious now. Tell me what you’re doing.

I heard you do a lot of drugs, is this true?

The Conversation Terrorist- Chee, I never do such things.

K- Do you eat fetuses?

The Conversation Terrorist- What?

K- You must never eat a fetus. You must also never shake your uterus. If you don’t have a uterus, you must never go and shake someone else’s uterus.

The Conversation Terrorist- Did you say ‘eat a fetus’?

K- Do you take Crocin?

The Conversation Terrorist- Sometimes if I have headache I-

K- That means you do drugs. You’re a crack whore.

The Conversation Terrorist- Why won’t you be serious and just tell me what you’re doing.

K- I’m talking on the phone with a crack whore.

The Conversation Terrorist- I’m not a- hello? Hello?

20 seconds later.

K- I hung up again. I think maybe you don’t want to talk to me because you’re a crack whore. Is this true?

The Conversation Terrorist-
I think maybe-

K- I heard that all your ancestors had non-consensual sex with dead trees. Is this true? I won’t judge you but I do want to say that consensual sex is always the best kind of sex. You may want to share that with your people.

The Conversation Terrorist- Are you saying bad things about my family?

K- I feel like you don’t really want to talk to me but you're pretending to because you want to have non-consensual sex with the dead trees of my own ancestral properties. I feel used.

The Conversation Terrorist-
I -

K- My ancestral property trees are not dead yet! I don’t have any ancestral property trees! YOU'RE TEARING ME APART, LISA!

The Conversation Terrorist- Ok, this is-


The Conversation Terrorist- I really don’t-


The Conversation Terrorist- I -

K- WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY? Hello? Lisa? Have you ever considered changing your name to Lisa? Hello?


S- I regret to inform you that The Conversation Terrorist’s number seems to have changed.

K- Oh.

S- Someone said they’re hiding in Greenland but it’s all just speculation at this point.

K- You think they’re hiding because they don’t want to talk to me?

S- Yes.

K- Do you want to talk to me?

S- No.

K- I’ll just go talk to myself then.

S- I think that would be best for everyone involved.


WiseDonkay said...

So does this mean that when Munni became Zandu Balm, she became a crack whore?

kuzhali manickavel said...

i believe this to be a strong possibility. we must also consider the fact that 'Le crack whore hui, darling tere liye' is not very much catchy.

Anonymous said...

A valuable contribution to the scant available literature on necrodendrophilia.

kuzhali manickavel said...

ohai anon, thanks very much. indeed, i feel it is rendered all the more valuable by the fact that i didn't know what necrodendrophilia was and had to look it up just now. necrodendrophilia also seems to be the name of a song by a group called Insane Consanguineous Farmer.

ina bak said...

This is somewhat sad, for me. I wanna make a call to The Conversation Terrorist, can you give me the number? :)

kuzhali manickavel said...

ina, i'm afraid the conversation terrorist still seems to be in hiding in greenland. once i get the number, i promise to pass it on to you so you can call them and then they can ask why you don't want to talk to them

Heathcliffs Girl said...

I read a story of Gambara.
searched and found you finally.
it was so beautiful..stayed with me for a long time.

kuzhali manickavel said...

hai heathcliffs girl, i am so very pleased you found me :) also thank you for reading and liking my story, much appreciated :)

shruti said...

the conversation terrorist is the best kind of terrorist.I love CT So many around, right here, right in front of this screen!
(also the happiness of the HBTPeepals on encountering one more canNot have escaped you)

I didn't know there was a part II of that by Binyavanga Wainaina! The humour natually begins to fade, wait, then they'll say we dont have no sense of humour.An appropriate follow up piece.
The egypt one is priceless! and here's another, taking from BW's piece. About our number one best friend country.

That is truly one awesome dude in pondicherry. There is something like that on sale in dilli too.

As of this sunday, I am very fantabulously pleased to inform, that I have (at long last) added to your royalties:D So louvely to have them all in book form:)

shruti said...

Munni fan, one more to louve:

shruti said...

hate to post another comment, but did you see this? Was very happy to see this:

And now, Dessert. wonderful, lovely, terroristy work. My hugs to them. You should see the speed at which the banners get removed, the grafitti, still there.(awesome)

kuzhali manickavel said...

ohai linkless shruti! phustly, am so heppy you bought my book, yay :) i hope you are liking :) i hadnt read the how to write about pakistan one (i thought the part on mangoes was especially informative) i think someone should collate all of these and sell them, maybe do a tie up with the little dude in pondicherry selling indian culture.

and thanks for the pics, these antiCWG terrorisms are awesome. also i think i will appropriate hbtpeepals for future use because typing out homibabaterroristpeepals is sometimes very trying. alsoalso, the medlar comfits link is very fine, no? i shamelessly blurbed it on the side there, see?


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