Saturday, October 9, 2010

it wasn’t me who started that old crazy asian war

This blog title is brought to you by the song Ruby, Don’t Take Your Love To Town. Take control of the future of your future by not supporting Crazy Asian Wars and Crazy Asians.

So, did you hear about that white dude from New Zealand who did the most adorably poopoo-peepee racist shenanigans on TV because of Sheila Dikshit’s name and then he got suspended or something? Which is like SO unfair and is clearly just another instance of white dude persecution. Because, let’s be honest homibabaterroristpeepal. The problem here is not the white dude. It’s Sheila Dikshit’s name. And if there was any justice in this world, all foreigners with weird names (like Kuzhali Manickavel, for example) would just change them to normal white dude names so white dudes wouldn’t keep getting in trouble like this! Stop white dude persecution! It’s so mean, you guys!

Anyway, did you hear that Julia Roberts is allegedly looking to adopt an Indian bebbeh? If you are reading this blog post Julia Roberts (which I’m sure you are) can I just say that I think you should adopt me. Why because I kinda speak English but not really and I know all about Jersey Shore (hollaholla for Snooki and her new novel) so that means I am very well-versed in American culture, which means I will integrate into your society very easily. Also, just think of the great bio you will have. ‘Julia Roberts has an adopted daughter from India who has written a book and has a Pushcart Nomination also’

What’s that you say? You got a Pushcart nomination? Why yes! Yes I did! The fine, upstanding and all-round awesome people at mud luscious press have nominated my chapbook Three Scenarios Leading to the Rape of a Teenage Girl in the Tropicool Icy-land Urban Indian Slum for a Pushcart or as we can also call them, a Pushkee. Now I know Pushkee Noms are sorta passé now that every online zine can nom which means that everyone and everyone else has at least ten noms and now Pushkee noms suck because teh internetz just came and ruined everything. But this is my very first Pushcart nom ever. And I am soveryhappy that the people at mlp thought my chapbook was worth nominating. So I think it is only fitting to call out my ZOMG PONI3S!!1! Bais and tell them the good news. Hey! ZOMG PONI3S!!1! Bais! I got a Pushcart Nomination!


GIFSoup

I can’t tell you how pleased I am to know that these Bais will always be ecstatically happy for me. Always.

And now, I offer for your eyeballs, this picture of one of the best bookshelves I have ever seen in my life. Please note my one number book is there, chilling with Lorrie Moore, Aimee Bender and other noteworthy peepals.


This epitome of bookshelfness can be found in a store called Waterstones, which is in the UK and not in our country at all. It was created by Sara Crowley, who is not only a buddy from my writing workshop days of aulde, she is also a fellow follower of Tarvuism. She blogs here and you can maybe read these flash pieces she wrote because I read them and enjaied like anything and maybe you will too.

Now, this article is another good example of how the internet ruins everything, although some people might say it’s how the First World ruins everything but that’s just so rude, ok? Now from what I understand, some filmmakers (who are American I think. Which sort of reiterates that whole First World ruins everything argument but that’s rude zomg!) made this documentary about Indian sex workers who were “selling their bodies in the name of the Hindu Goddess Yellamma”. Totes hot, right? It’s like poverty porn and sex and weird Hindoo stuff all mixed together and that’s fucking haut. Now apparently, apart from a whole lot of other stuff, they didn’t bother to get the proper consent from these sex workers for this documentary because pffft, what the fuck for? They’re SEX WORKERS! They’re in INDIA. They don’t speak ENGLISH. How the fuck are they going to know what’s on here? Because these illustrious filmmakers seem to have jacked up the sensational factor on this one, and who wouldn’t? I mean it’s Hindoo! And sex workers! In India! Anyhoo, totes bummer because then these sex workers found out what was really going on, made their own video and posted it on YouTube. See? Internet ruins everything.

Now, I feel compelled to give illustrious filmmakers like these, who exist all around the world, some worthy advice. There is only one way to make Hindoo sex worker India documentary type things and not have shit like this come and bite you in the ass afterwards. And that is to make the whole thing up, which won’t be that hard because you’ve almost kinda done that anyway and LOTS of people do it! SERIOUSLY! So just round up some generically brown people (brown means not orange like how some people in your country look after getting tan), make them eat monkey brains in honor of their great and ancient god MonkeyBrains and BAM! Oscar for you, I guarantee it and you won’t have to fret your pretty little selves with all those bothersome things that come with dealing with the real thing.

At this juncture, I want to say that I feel a little bad about saying all that stuff about Julia Roberts and adopting Indian children, which I am sure is a good and noble thing to do because there are probably no poor children in America to adopt, which is why so many celebs need to go to other countries to find them. I fully admit I am a charity impaired person. But. I'm cool because I have charitably-inclined acquaintances. For example, there is one very illustrious acquaintance of mine who often goes to godforsaken villages that are so teenyweeny they would probably slip through the cracks in the ground. Said acquaintance goes and cleans the temples there because… that’s what they like to do. At one such teenyweeny village, the village children asked for one of the old cardboard boxes that said acquaintance was about to throw away. The box was given and said children initiated an incredibly rousing and exciting game of soccer, with the box being used as a ball. I myself did this in my youth but that was in a First World country where all the children behave normally so I’m guessing this is normal children behavior. Anyhoo, from what I understood, there was a lot of laughing and shouting and people stopped and watched and the sun was going down and all that sort of thing.

It was at this juncture that said acquaintance admitted that this was possibly the saddest thing they had ever seen in their life. Because I am charity impaired, I was unclear as to why this person was feeling sad, especially when everyone else was apparently very happy. And the acquaintance said that everyone would have been so much more happy if the children had a real soccer ball instead of a box. And then, because I am stupid, I said but they’re having fun with the box, no? No. Apparently they really weren’t happy with the box. And the worthy and most illustrious acquaintance assured me that the only way they would be happy was with a soccer ball. Which kind of sort of but not really reminded me of those people who tell you that your life is a hot fucking mess and you need to be saved, even though you think your life is ok and while you may need some things, saving isn't one of them.

I'm sure said teenyweeny village could have done with some help and I think maybe you can ask them what help they need instead of forcing soccer balls on them. But charity is hard and I haz fullrespect for all the folks who want to “make a difference” over their summer holidays, because making a difference is one of the easiest things to accomplish on a summer holiday, next to contracting food poisoning. Although it can be such a bummer when that difference doesn’t happen by the time you have to head back home. Like when the natives don’t learn English and save their village with that valiant English knowledge. Charity is also a very high-risk affair. For one thing, you have to make sure you don’t scar poor Indian children for life by showing them an iPod.

Anyway, this montage of 80’s dating videos is filled with white dudes (which is unfortunate in the face of all this white dude persecution) but I think it’s universal in its awesomeness, most of which, interestingly enough, seems to still exist even today. Also, generally not a good idea to mention sexual abuse when you’re hoping to get laid.

And here are some of the best lines from a movie called The Room. These remind me a lot of this late night ad I saw on the teevee where there was this dude and he had this wife and she always wore nightie and always the next door aunty was coming to see her and they both sat very close to each other and rubbed each other’s arms, which I think meant they were lesbians but luckily the dude got this jar of something that cured his wife of the lesbianism and everything was ok. Anyway, the acting in The Room and the acting in the late night lesbian-cure-in-a-bottle ad seem to be of the same caliber and I wonder if they are all possibly from the same school of acting. Maybe they are all classmates. Maybe they all played marbles together.

Also,

Dina Martina sings Away in a Manger and Angels we have heard on High.

Hello by SHINee


Just You and Me by Zee Avi

okbai.

13 comments:

Anonymous said...

That VAMP video is totally awesome. I am SO glad they did this.

kuzhali manickavel said...

seriously. although some of the comments on that video are an awesome of a whole different sort

Sachita said...

. And then, because I am stupid, I said but they’re having fun with the box, no? No. Apparently they really weren’t happy with the box. " And the worthy and most illustrious acquaintance assured me that the only way they would be happy was with a soccer ball. Which kind of sort of but not really reminded me of those people who tell you that your life is a hot fucking mess and you need to be saved, even though you think your life is ok and while you may need some things, saving isn't one of them."- Nethi adi these lines.

Ps: I am also one of those hazaar pppl who think you are awesome but dont know it to say in an awesome way coz even ur comment space is awesome so felt shy and never said it before:)

jaded16 said...

I love that people doing charity are doing it as an ongoing fetish, or an obsession. Where they decide everything for the mudsquatting poor person. Nothing cheers my burning lobes more.

kuzhali manickavel said...

@ sachita- ohai! thanks for reading i say! also i am veryhappy you commented and hope you will comment again and again and again :)

@jaded16- ohai and thanks for reading to you also :) i believe charityfetish is similar to poverty porn but instead of being a voyeur you become a savior. and that's just reallyreally haut.

Sharanya said...

ZOMG! I have never nommed a Pushcart myself, so I am super vicariously excited! I hope you don't mind sharing the thrill of the nomz!

kuzhali manickavel said...

verypliss to share the excitements of the pushkeenom, when you get yours i shall likewise share your excitements also

ina bak said...

Being adopted by Angelina Jolie is my best wish ever, i havent made any noms though..
I add one more congraturations here!;)

kuzhali manickavel said...

thanks ina :) wouldn't it be neat if angelina jolie adopted you and then julia roberts adopted me and we could be like these awesome hollywood adopted peepal? i think that wud be neat.

shruti said...

Eeks, LOng comment, sorry.

yaaahaaayaay! congratulations, that's utterly absolutely awesome! Wow, you must be thrilled! and the chinese boys--your ponywhatever boys are celebrating like anything! I particularly like the gundu boy at the back, he's the happiest with his jiggling thoppe, I know the feeling. Add all awar joys also!
How lovely that you know sara crowley, I read her stuff all the time! congrats on your new faith too, worth several chuckles.

And absolute HURRAY for the women fighting back. Prostitutes of god indeed.I watched their whole whole video. now for sure the internetz deserves a prize.
That's good advice abt steering clear or reals and doing off fiction.much easier.

I've never known how to write to you about your writing, except tom-tomming it to everyone I know, they all( the about 5 ppl I know) get forcefed story links! and they've never complained, sort of exulted, but of that later. But I didnt know how to write any of the awesomeness I felt reading your stuff to you, as my nephew says, shy-varadu. I want to copy sachaita's words here, word for word! So, another time on the awesomelovelyness. For now, you do a jiggity-jig on your 'pushkee'. You know that sounds so much like Ramki for Ramakrishnan or something. Ignore, side thought.

but for this alone, you will be remembered, let it be said.
'But charity is hard and I haz fullrespect for all the folks who want to “make a difference” over their summer holidays, because making a difference is one of the easiest things to accomplish on a summer holiday, next to contracting food poisoning. Although it can be such a bummer when that difference doesn’t happen by the time you have to head back home.'

[what are you going to do km, the dangerous things, fans are accumulating, veesing kathu? like seriously? :). in their defence, come on, how many good things do we see(and tons of us care abt good writing like we couldnt bear to even say)--okay this is getting cringy territory, it's blasted annoying when you really mean it and are so worried it sounds like you're trying to say nice things 'to' the person, but no you really want to say them! I'm sure you know ze feeling. Oh I'm failing at this spectacularly. I'm almost considering writing under a false name. ]
best recourse, copy--okbai!

kuzhali manickavel said...

linkless shruti, your comment surely deserves long and witty reply but you've said sovery nice things and i don't know what to say except thank you very much and that i am appreciating like anything, really i am saying :)

shrutified said...

hiya! i am a regular visitor and admirer, but unlike your other visitor/admirers am unfortunately not conversant in your specific dialect of LOLawesome.

first, i must thank you for your why-no-novel/marriage post which was superuseful and inspiring and due to which i have already successfully alienated some relatives! (cue fist-pump action!)

your "worthy advice" to sarah harris and co is totally spot-on and ha-ha-aargh kind of funny. at least we know about her as she's speaking in english.

i've seen many a young filmmaker making a tidy fortune passing off their dramatic motion pictures as documentaries in other languages of other thwarted colonisers. like this one legendary character who showed up late for a rally, and rounded up some brown people loitering around and paid them to march along, or sent off some ladies christmas shopping (even though they didn't celebrate xmas) before visiting their incarcerated kids, OR mistranslating regional languages in the subtitles so they went with whatever hokey narrative she had cobbled together in two days. argh!

so many bloggers "out" plagiarists and falsifiers and racists who are deluded into thinking they're funny, but who's calling out these enterprising creative artists, whose fiction just flickers past millions of tvs and goes unmemorialised/un-pilloried on youtube?

-- anozzer shruti

kuzhali manickavel said...

ohai! :) phustly i am sovery pleased that post has resulted in alienated relatives! yay and i hope they never bother you about novel/marriage items again.

-i've seen many a young filmmaker making a tidy fortune passing off their dramatic motion pictures as documentaries in other languages of other thwarted colonisers-

argh indeed, this is simultaneously sad and yet expected :( hopefully and ideally the subjects of these documentaries will be able to tell their own stories instead of having other peepal allegedly do it for them allegedly. And that’s a huge thing when one considers how much money etc is made by doing this, when one group of peepal decides to tell the stories of another group of people who “don’t have a voice”. Hopefully the VAMP video, if nothing else, will initiate some kind of change.

of course that might kill off a large portion of indian writing in english but still.

 

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