Saturday, December 25, 2010

will you take that phoney dream and burn it before something happens?

Heppy ChristhuMuhsu! Can I just say that there is something very thrilling in being part of the majority who extends patronizing good wishes to the minority on their holiday. What makes this even better is that I have some Christian friends so that makes me awesome and way better than peeps who don’t have Christian friends. I mean, Christian friend. I used to have one. I think. Anyway, truly, it’s that time of year again where a large number of peeps in my corner of the world wonder why the postman didn’t come and decide it must be some Muslim holiday like Bakrid. Christmas anthems like Do They Know It’s Christmas? were totes made for folks like us. It’s just how we do.

The title of this blog post is taken from the play Death of a Salesman. Is it not very fine? I think it is very fine. Other things which were scrawled in the margins of this sametext include

Walrus is ugly sea animal
Willy failure
No vandi, bus
America consumerist society
M. Kalaivani

And now, I’m going to talk about how white people are just the worst thing ever. Kidding! I’m actually going to do a best of 2010 round up because no other blog or site is doing this at all. KIDDING! However, I thought it worth mentioning that this blog had a birthday sometime last month which I completely forgot and neglected also because I’m an awful person and I neglect and forget everything. This is how you make someone else’s birthday all about yourself. FYI.

Ok seriously peepal, like really. I was listening to some author interview with some author dude and as has come to be an inevitable part of inevitable author interviews, said author dude lamented about how the English language was being corrupted and vandalized by things like LOL and HAY SUP!!1!! and it's just like the worst thing evar because these are very corrupting and vandalizing things. Below, kindly see the proofs of the corruption of the vandalisms.

funny pictures

Anyhoo, said writer dude and manymanymany other writerpeepal hast seen these dirty nonstandard, nonconventional English languages and doth proclaim that we are all going to die right now and it’s really going to hurt unless we all repent and reform ourselves unto that one most holy form of Ye Aulde Standardized and Conventional Goode English. It is the only thing that can save us from…whatever we need to be saved from. Because there are so many kinds of Englishes out there, each having its own use and meaning in places that aren’t England or America (gasp! How can that even be possible?!?), it makes complete and utter sense that Ye Aulde Standardized and Conventional Goode English, created by Ye Aulde, Standard, Conventional and Goode English people, rule over all of them. Like the Lord of the Rings but not really.

One Standardized and Conventional English to rule them all
One Standardized and Conventional English to find them,
One Standardized and Conventional English to bring them all
and in the darkness bind them

That’s scawy! But what is Standardized and Conventional and Goode English anyway? I thought about this question for a very long time. Actually I didn’t but anyway, I decided that the answer is how the hell should I know? I’m an alleged Injun allegedly! I’m not even supposed to know English! If there was any good left in this world, this entire blog would be in Hindi, the language of all good Injuns living in the Indias!

So instead, I thought I would fondly recall some of the nonconventional nonstandardized, ebil and horrible Englishs and assorted words I used in my own onenumber Injun youths. I think the meanings of these words and phrases will probably vary from the original or how other people remember using them because my memory is bad and I like to embellish things also, which is also known as lying. I know I have forgotten a lot of them and for this, I am exquisitely sad. Here are the ones I remember.


Origin- Once upon a time, when we had only one DD channel with such sad and sporadic transmission that one often watched UGC transmissions because not watching them seemed a waste of the television, Zail Singh passed away. Who is Zail Singh? Good question! Anyway, back in them days, when peeps like Zail Singh died, DD went into mourning for about 780 years. The upside was that we got almost constant television. The downside was that it was all mourning music that made you feel really sad, in a I Wish I Was Dead Too kind of way. Zail Singh’s death unfortunately coincided with school quarterly leave, the one thing we had all looked forward to for heppyheppyjoyjoy television viewing purposes. Those were the headyheady days of the Metro channel and Superhit Muqabla apart from the already very exciting Chitrahaar and Oliyum Oliyum and Sunday night movie. AR Rahman was making awesome music, PrabhuDeva was dancing, Salman Khan had hair, the snail was on the thorn, morning was at seven, everything was very exciting with the world. And then Zail Singh died.

What made all this even worse and what ultimately elevated ZailSingh into our slangs was the fact that nobody in my corner of existence knew who he was. The catchphrase of that holiday was (sloppily translated from Tamil) ‘Hey, who ya is this Zail Singh?’  This means we are all the ignorants. But the fact remains that during that entire holiday, all we got to watch was people wailsinging in all the regional languages as the screen dutifully held up a picture of Zail Singh holding a rose, which somehow just made everything worse.


1. A ZailSingh is something that causes deep and long-lasting disappointment and sadness.

Ex- I thought there would be one week leave but then Tyooshunsaar put class in the morning and test in the evening and it all is somuch ZailSingh for me.

2. For a time, this word replaced the Tamil word ‘sothapals’ so it also came to mean that which is completely messed-up. ‘Sothapals’ is actually not a Tamil word. Maybe it kinda is, I don’t know. I’m sorry if it’s not and I said it is.

Ex-  Namma plan full ZailSingh-ah goinggoing.

This example has more English in it than Tamil but it’s considered Tamil. Actually, maybe it isn’t considered Tamil either. Oh whale.

Demise- This phrase disappeared when we forgot about ZailSingh which was rather quickly and I guess it isn’t a big deal anyway since we didn’t know who he was in the first place.


Origin- Corruption of the word ‘Switzerland’. Once upon a time, in the hills of Kotagiri, a certain someone who we will refer to as WaterBottle, sat outside in that sharp sunlight and marveled at the blue sky and the green trees and thought so THIS is why the British hung out here all the time and so on and so forth. Everyone who passed WaterBottle said ‘You keep sitting in the sun like that and your face will burn off’ and WaterBottle said, ‘But the sky is so blue! The trees are so green! It’s like a Soozerland!’ WaterBottle sat in that Soozerland sunlight for so long that WaterBottle’s face did indeed burn off and can I just say that the only thing more ridiculous than a sunburn on a white person is a sunburn on a brown person.


1. That which is clearly not Switzerland is Soozerland.

Ex- See this Cooum river so much it is like a Soozerland, no?

2. The result of looking at something very beautiful that also causes great physical pain later on is Soozerland.

Ex- Your burnt face is so beauty looking like a Soozerland.

3. That which is wtf is Soozerland.

Ex. This blog post is like a Soozerland.

Demise- This phrase experiences periodic revivals because sometimes all you can say is 'oh it is like a Soozerland, no?'


Origin- Once upon a time there was a girl who just sat there. Seriously. She just sat there and her face never bore any kind of expression at any time. And her claim to fame was that she very good-naturedly let people make fun of her Zen state of being. On a very hot and sour and tiring afternoon when nothing was happening, she was christened ‘Bouse’ and it was the best thing evar and it saved that entire day from being utterly useless. There was also this movie that had Revathi and Aravind Swamy which was flop only but it had this one song which was also flop but it went, ‘Azhagana veedu, something something something.’. Someone changed the words to ‘Azhagana veedu, athukulla Bouse’ and it was really funny. Maybe you had to be there.

Definitions- Because the word proved to be so popular, people attached many different meanings to it so they could use it as often as possible. Some examples (all sloppily translated from Tamil)

Why Bouse you are like a Bouse?

Bouse you are really doing so much Bouse antics, yes I am saying. (can I just say that Bouse antics is the improper translation of the word we used in Tamil, which was Bousethanam, which is awesome. Also, that’s probably not Tamil either.)

Bouse, how did you become such a Bouse like this?

Demise- I like to think this word never died.

You Ain’t Got No Pancake Mix Cries of the Martyred Proletariat

There were a lot of these and it breaks my heart that I can only recall two. These are in fact English phrases, where the meaning is of absolutely no consequence whatsoever and it’s really all about where you use them. Like, what I can say is, maybe you are using them like

  1. Two people are having an argument and you randomly walk up to them and shout it at both of them with somuch feelings
  2. While having a serious conversation with someone about something, you suddenly say it for no good reason, thus derailing the conversation completely
  3. When there is some kind of large gathering and there is a lot of anger or indignation going around mainly because people want to be angry and indignant, you stand up and say ‘MyFraands, what I can say is-‘ and then say one of these phrases and possibly get beaten or cheered as a charismatic leader of the masses.

All Are Paying Equal Fees

Once upon a time, in a hostel, two girls were fighting over a bathroom stall. I understand this is a very porno premise but in real life, it’s tedious, everyone wishes they were somewhere else and feels bad they live in a hostel in like a larger sense, like 'this is what my life has become. i live in a hostel with people i don't know and don't like and this will never change'. Anyhoo, during the course of this particular argument, one girl decided to take a very strong stand indeed and began yelling in English, because while yelling in Tamil is bad enough, yelling in English is for some reason much worse, even if whatever you yelled is weird. So anyway, said girl said ‘all are paying equal fees!’ and we all were like yeah we ARE paying equal fees! It’s a true! And for a split second, we thought how life was supposed to be like that or something. But that lasted only for split second and also, this probably did not help her win the bathroom war either.

Give The Respect And Take The Respect
Once upon a time, a girl (who we will call Haterade) took it upon herself to come up to a certain person (who we will call WaterBottle) at regular intervals for no apparent reason in a very sudden manner also. This of course is distressing enough. But Haterade would also hold up her gold Hero pen in a very menacing way and say (in English, because it’s just way worse that way) ‘give the respect and take the respect’. Why? Nobody knows. Also, haterz gonna hate, you know? Anyhoo, this phrase doesn’t sound so bad in an “English” milieu but in that milieu, it was like epic disrespect and shame like how ‘rascal’ and ‘I say you get out’ are like epic disrespect and shame. So I’m guessing WaterBottle did something really bad like maybe killing off Haterade's entire family or something. Maybe it happened in the Soozerland. Anyway, every time this happened, a conversation like the following would occur (again, sloppily translated from Tamil)

A- Hey, what ya?
WaterBottle- I don’t know, ya.
A-    What, I don’t know? You must have done something. Why else would she say that to you?
WaterBottle- Because she’s a crack.
A-    You called her a crack?
WaterBottle- Chee, why all that for me?
A-    Then?
WaterBottle- Then nothing! I didn’t say anything to her!
A- Then why she said like that to you?
WaterBottle – I don’t know! I didn’t do anything! She just does that and I don’t know why!
A- You must have done something.
A- You must have done something. Else why should she say that to you?

These kinds of conversations, like DD mourning periods, often went on for about 780 years.

Yenuff, no? Yes.



WiseDonkay said...

I seem to be sharing some 100% ESP with you, which might be a side-effect of consuming improperly shelved bananas. But other day only I wrote a poem revolving around the word 'WaterBottle' and was randomly chuckling to myself in the bus a couple of days ago thinking how if one put something other than water in a WaterBottle, would it still be called so?

Also something that comes to mind now is that WaterBottle is also sometimes called WaterBag, which is a Soozerland because bags and bottles look vary different. This could also mean that I am a Poor Indian who never had access to a WaterBottle which was also a Waterbag.

Finally I will end my comment on water bottles with the random factoid that WaterBottles were often called WatoBottos (What-Toe-Bought-Toes), by some kids in my school.

kuzhali manickavel said...

that is a soozerland indeed. also i feel that What Toe Bought Toes wud be a great name for a band. perhaps 'waterbag' is cousinbrother of the word 'vattarfacket', which is sometimes used in this part of the countries. i have also heard people say 'thanni bottle'. like, in a spirit of Tamil awesomeness they got as far as translating 'water' into the 'thanni' but they got too tired when they hit the word 'bottle' and stopped.

!all are paying equal fees!

Anonymous said...

As they say in the Black Speech of Soozerland:

Ash Standardized and Conventional English durbatulûk, ash Standardized and Conventional English gimbatul,
Ash Standardized and Conventional English thrakatulûk agh burzum-ishi krimpatul.

kuzhali manickavel said...

very true. also, i believe the black speech word for 'ring' is 'nazg', which means the soozerland version of the ringa ringa song would be nazga nazga.

Anonymous said...

I hope you mean this Nazga Nazga song and not the lame Slumdog one. I love this song. Apparently the lyrics are incredibly raunchy in Telugu but I don't understand it so no problem! I think the video would have been awesomer if Peter Jackson had directed it though. Young Peter Jackson, like Braindead era.

kuzhali manickavel said...

yesyes, that ringaringa only i meant. i like to refer to the slumdog song as 'wow, this doesn't sound like choli ke peechhe AT ALL!!!'

i dont understand the lyrics either. i once asked someone what they meant and they said 'nothing ya, it's not that bad meaning or anything, she's just saying like how you know actually it's quite bad and i don't want to talk about it anymore'

Sarpvinash said...

Rats, no one told me it was Christmas. I didn't know it was Christmas. And now Christmas is over. And no one told me.

kuzhali manickavel said...

dont be feelings, i understand it will happen again next year so maybe you can be more alert. or maybe you can request them to send circular one ahead of time so all can be aware.

anna tambour said...

Growing up minor minority when Xmas is unthinkingly majority
means the day is spent alone and very quiet.
The next day isn't, as the getting-angered Xmased carol, "I never get anything worth getting. Now it's broken. What a crap day. Why'd they buy it?"

As for English, shame on you. You should be learning. I recommend English language newspapers in places that own English. Australia almost does, so here's an example from the Herald Sun in Australia, a Murdoch teaching tool. The headline reads:

Teenage boy to swap gender

Who gets his? The article doesn't say. Maybe it'll go to Oxfam.

The article does say, "A SCHOOLBOY [their caps, not mine. The Murdoch English rule is that one must capitalise a word if there is any chance a reader might miss it otherwise] has been granted approval to begin treatment for a sex change - on the proviso he has his sperm frozen in case he decides he wants children."

So the lesson here is that swap normally means to exchange, but since this article is about SEX, the EX part of CHANGE needed to be surgically removed from the meaning, lest we forget, or understand, or, lest the article be censored as ex-rated, but later on in the article, there is a sentence that says, "In another case a girl, 12, was also allowed to take hormones to live life as a man."

So there might have been a swap on a deep grammarian level.

Whatever, it's above me. They're the experts, and how can you argue with a tally-ho name like that of the author: Janet Fife-Yeomans. So don't sneer at Conventional Goode English, please. Read goode newspapers, and learn.

kuzhali manickavel said...

i am trying to bee moar better but im finding it hard to figure out who owns english. i think that once i figure that out, i can ask them for a Standardized and Conventional Goode English rule book to advance my betterments.

i must admit, i have always thot australia was a really exotic place and now i see it is more exotic than ever because it has some kind of magics that allows people to swap genders. i'm assuming these powers come from koalas or something. i think the fact that australia almost owns english makes it even more exotic although we may have to revoke its exotic card once it owns english completely.

is it wrong that i wish her name was janet fief-yeomans?


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