Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Bring The Injuns Home!

33 comments
American publications often carry well-informed and just all-round really great articles about Injun people as a whole. This is because as with people from many countries, Injuns are best understood as a conglomerate of individuals who are essentially all the same. In this way, Injuns and people from other non-American countries are kind of like the Borg. The Huffington Post recently carried a piece on how to date an Injun, which I can only hope will serve as a cultural guide for generations to come. However, I was greatly shocked and saddened when I read a piece about Injuns in Time. This article is by a very sad man called Joel Stein. And Joel Stein is sad because his hometown is being taken over by Injuns. There are Injun restaurants and Injun cinemas and perhaps worst of all, there are Injun people.

I read this and could not help thinking that many years ago, in my own one number country, the same thing happened. White people began popping up all over the place and before we knew what was happening, we were the new fuckdoll for the British Empire. And they were here for a very long time. In many ways, they are still here and they will never leave.

We can't let this happen to America. America is our friend. America might invade us if we aren't nice to them. But perhaps most importantly, America is for Americans. So as a patriotic Injun speaking to fellow patriotic Injuns, I ask that you all consider joining my drive called Bring The Injuns Home! For too long, Injuns in India have been complacent. We have watched our own people sell members of their family so they could run away to the USA and never return. We have seen them win spelling bees as children. We have lauded them when they became astronauts or won Nobel prizes or wrote books in English. We have ignored them when they did porn and other non-Indian things. But now, it's time to bring them home.

This may not be easy. For instance, there may be Injuns who will say 'I'm American! I've never been to India! India scares me!' They may even try to prove their non-Injunness by saying that they don't know how to shit at the side of the road and they do not speak Hindu. Do not be duped! Think to yourself, What Would Joel Stein Do? Would he see this person and say, Ola, Fellow American! Or would he see one of the Indian Borg who are responsible for invading and ruining his hometown and start to cry? I know I would cry because I cry whenever I see British people in India. I sob uncontrollably, throw all my money at them (which is about 50 paisa) and say 'TAKE IT!!!! TAKE IT, YOU FILTHY RAPING BRITISH PEOPLE!!!! TAKE EVERYTHING!!!! TAKE IT ALL!!!!! TAKE MY BLOOD, YOU TEA-DRINKING CANNIBALWHORES!!!!'

Of course it is not enough to simply bring all the Injuns from America here and just dump them somewhere. I have a plan.

1. Rehabilitation- This will teach them that Indians belong in India. Extensive resource material and guidebooks have been made that illustrate what an American is and how Indians fulfill none of that criteria at all. It will become abundantly clear that unless said Indians turn into white people, they can never be American and hence, cannot be in America.

2. Patriotization- Certain rogue Injuns have even gone to the extent of becoming American citizens. Which is cute you know, like that kitteh wearing the hat. But we must be like the mamma kitteh suckerpunching the hat-wearing kitteh. We need to make them understand that just because they are American citizens does not mean they are Americans. This isn't that hard because studies have shown that you can take an Indian who is as American as Bobby Jindal, tell them 'Dude, you know you're really an Indian, right? You know that other Americans don't think you're an American, right? You know that you're the only person who thinks you're American, right?' and after moderate nostril-flaring, said Injun's shoulders will collapse, they will sigh and say 'Yeah, I know'.

3. A New Life- All relocated and rehabilitated Injuns will be given employment with Union Carbide and on the weekends, they will be encouraged to take part in community-enrichment activities sponsored by the We Love Warren Anderson fanclub.

Please. Don't rob Joel Stein of his hometown. Don't take away the ballgames and the hot dogs and the apple pie and whatever else Injuns are taking away from poor, helpless white Americans all across their American country.

Come on, India! Let's save America! Let's Bring The Injuns Home!

Saturday, June 26, 2010

dance into the danger.

17 comments
When I was a little youths, I wanted to dance into the danger because I thought it would be a fierce and awesome and fierce thing to do. I wanted to dance into the danger with people like this.



Isn't it neat how a lot of people today look at this pic of Poison and say 'zomg, trannies!' and then they look at a more recent pic of Poison and they say 'zomg, old lesbians!'

Anyway, in the big bad world of free stuff, a certain Frank Delaney is doing a podcast every week on James Joyce's teenyweeny booklet called Ulysses. Frank Delaney says he may even go sentence by sentence if he has to because he thinks the book is that awesome. Frank Delaney will probably be podcasting this for a very long time. So far, he has told us how Joyce did a lot of "multi-tasking in prose" and how each sentence often carried more than one meaning. Isn't that neat? That is neat. Also, this podcast of Huckleberry Finn and this podcast of The Awakening by Kate Chopin are the rare and happy event that happens when the text and the reading make you feel like you're listening to something that can't possibly be free because free stuff is usually crappy and these podcasts are not crappy.

Sometimes one comes across peeps that think rape is cultural. You know, like how all Indians are hard-working and love to dance, how all Moroccans are charming and friendly and all Americans are...American. Along with these very impressive and effective labels, people also like to include rape as a cultural thang and you can read about that here. If indeed rape is a cultural thang, then that is probably all the more reason to not do anything about it because it's very bad to criticize aspects of another culture because that's just racist. ZOMG, did I just talk about rape again on this blog? Oh snap, so feministy! Luckily I'm not a guy or this whole para would have made me 'gay'.

Anyway, one of the really great things about racism jail is that it teaches us to find the commonalities among the differences of our equalities. I was able to see this when I realized that there are so many samenesses existing between Rebbie Jackson's Centipede video and Tamil movie songs from a specific era which is not very specific because that style sometimes persists today and sometimes it doesn't. You can watch the Rebbie Jackson video in the below given underneath.



By contrasting and comparisoning, I was able to find the unity in the diversity between these two equally opposite genres. Unfortunately, I was also able to find the differences which is why I am still in racism jail.


Why Rebbie Jackson's 'Centipede' Video Is Like a Tamil Movie Song

• It starts with "the museum's most treasured masterpiece", which looks like something that I could have painted, which just reflects so incredibly badly on said painting. This is broadly similar to but not the same as this one Tamil movie I saw where they kept plutonium in a cupboard. This cupboard was locked though and that made everything really safe and not radioactive or anything. Just as Rebbie Jackson's Centipede forces us to question what kind of museum would call that painting a masterpiece, Tamil cinema makes us wonder why plutonium looks like lightbulbs sometimes.

• Rebbie Jackson's video is just like Tamil movie song in that they are both essentially about a brown woman in a shiny dress dancing with lots of feeling with men in suits. In Tamil movie song, these men are called sideys. In Rebbie Jackson video, these men are called gay men. If this was a Tamil movie, this woman would later be slapped by the hero or raped by the villain for cavorting with men in this overtly western fashion. It is heartening to note that while the hero and villain are totally not bros, they both have the woman's best interests at heart.

• Rebbie Jackson has lightning shooting out of different parts of her body. It makes you want to do the same dance moves to see if lightning will shoot out of your body parts. This does not happen in real life and that is sad. In Tamil movie, lightning shooting out of dancing woman's body parts means that dancing woman is goddess in disguise and she is possibly dancing into the danger but that's ok because she's a goddess so danger isn't that big a deal to her.

• Rebbie Jackson sometimes has ethnically exotic dance-into-the-danger markings on her forehead. In Tamil movie, this is called 'caste mark' and it is so much a part of our Indian culture. In Rebbie Jackson video, it looks like what is known as "biologicals" which is what happens when those CSI dudes get their black lights out and pan motel beds to see who has been messy when they had teh sexeh.

• In Tamil movie song, it is difficult for me to understand if the sideyback singers are saying 'lalalala' or 'yayayaya' or 'nya-nya-nya-nya' or 'wawawawa'. In Rebbie Jackson video, it is hard for me to understand if the sideyback singers are saying 'psychopede' or 'cycle peed'.

• Rebbie Jackson video has a tiger in it. The tiger walks down the stairs like it doesn't really want to be involved in what is going on and it also walks down the hall in a crooked manner and sometimes it also looks cross-eyed. The tiger feels sad because there is no actual mention of a tiger in the lyrics which is kind of like inviting that one white person to your party so you can tell everyone, I got white people coming to my party but maybe the white person feels bad later because it soon becomes clear that they are only there for bling value (or as much bling value as a sunburnt, recovering-from-food-poisoning white person can have ). Also, nobody will really want to talk to the white person because everyone will be scared that they will get AIDS if they do. Anyway, in Tamil movie, tiger is usually from extremely yellowed documentary footage that is so yellowed you can't really see the tiger anymore. This does not stop the Tamil movie from using said footage again and again and again to underline and reiterate the awesomeness of said tiger. Unlike Rebbie Jackson video, tiger is always mentioned because the lyrics and dialogue always tell us the Tamil hero is like tiger. Sometimes he is like tiger, lion, elephant and also young child with beard all at the same time.

• Rebbie Jackson video has a cobra in it that swings back and forth like it is headbanging. It has white lightning coming out of its eyes and in this way, it is similar to the dancing woman. Maybe they are brothersister. The combination of headbanging movement and white lightning is symbolic of dancing into the danger. In Tamil movie song, headbanging cobra is a sign that god is very angry and someone will be dancing into the danger very soon but not in a fabulous way like the Rebbie Jackson cobra.
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• In Tamil movie song lyrics, sometimes we like to compare the girl to a turkey-chicken noodle. I'm not even sure what that is. What is a turkey-chicken? Why would you call a girl a noodle? Who can say? Other certain movie song lyrics have the guy telling the girl that her hormones are like harmoniums and also something about 'A' vitamins. I'm not kidding. Rebbie Jackson song lyrics effuse this same awesomeness. For instance,

"but when the centipede is hot"

As someone who has been unfortunate enough to encounter centipedes on many occasions, can I just say you don't want those motherfuckers to be hot and you don't want to touch them and you don't want them to touch you. However, she may be referring to parts of her body or the other person's body as a centipede, in which case I don't think you should be touching that either, especially if it is hot because maybe they are having fever. In general I feel one should avoid touching things that resemble centipedes. This is a glaring example of centipede racism.

"Like you crawled into the bathroom window, To give him all your love"

You'd have to be pretty fucking haut to get me to climb through a bathroom window. Also, if a veryveryvery haut man crawled though my bathroom window, they would have a long drop before falling face first into the business end of a very old "eastern" toilet. So I'm not sure that would work for me either.

"Just like a centipede you've got, A lot of lovin' to touch"

DON'T TOUCH CENTIPEDES! I can't stress this enough! Don't touch them! You don't want their love! That is evil insect love!

• Rebbie Jackson's video has an "English" room and we can tell it's English because it has a pool table, sofa and paintings on the wall. Also the pockets of the pool table seem to be backed up with water, which makes them like toilets and that's gross. Anyway, in Tamil movie, bad people who speak English live in houses like this. In Rebbie Jackson's video, gay men and headbanging cobras live in houses like this. There is also a large, winding staircase. This is only there for dancing purposes. In this aspect, Rebbie Jackson video is exactly the same as a Tamil movie song.


Why Rebbie Jackson's Centipede video is not like a Tamil Movie Song

• There is no dog, monkey or elephant which is "dancing" because they love all the awesome humans and they are happy so they are "dancing" and they aren't ill-treated or malnourished or anything. They are not dancing into the danger.

• No excessive use of bongo drums

• No "tribal" women shaking their boobies

• No "tribal" men shaking their boobies

• No dancing in garden and Switzerland

• No villain doing various nefarious activities in a very obvious way. And by obvious I mean doing nefarious activities while wearing a large, flashing neon sign that says HAI!! I AM THE VILLAIN AND I AM DOING VARIOUS NEFARIOUS ACTIVITIES IN A VERY OBVIOUS WAY!!!


As if this blog post wasn't long enuff, I now bombard you with more music.

I Pity The Fool by Molly Lewis, specifically because she rhymed 'commuter bus' with 'uterus', it has awesome kazoo solo and the end of this clip features The Neverending Story remix.

Tightrope by Janelle Monáe and Sound of Kuduro by Buraka Som Sistema
specifically because of the awesome dancing into the danger which you may try to do yourself and you may hurt yourself also. This is the price we pay for dancing into the danger.

And in honor of certain companies that have been fucking us all up our various orifices when we clearly did not want to be fucked, Corporate Cannibal by Grace Jones.

okbai.

Saturday, June 19, 2010

Conversations- Great White Hope

45 comments
S- I think she meant 'dusky'. Not 'desky'.

K- Oh.

S- 'Desky complexion' makes no sense. Especially if she was trying to sell you a whitening cream.

K- Yeah, I couldn't figure out if 'desky' was good or bad.

S- Did she say you were pretty BUT dusky? Or did she say you needed to buy whitening cream because if you didn't you would get face cancer and your head would fall off?

K- Not only did she accuse me of being pretty BUT dusky, she said the duskiness had apparently cancelled out the prettiness completely.

S- And the only way to make everything better was to buy eleventytwelvty million rupees worth of whitening cream?

K- Yes. It took her a while to make me understand that I was the most epicest terriblehorriblenogoodverybad human being ever because I was dark. I said, you mean I'm dark like I'm a Dark Lord? And she said no.

S- Aw, too bad.

K- She said being dark was not only bad for me, it was bad for people who had to look at me. My darkness was also preventing me from getting-job-finding-good-husband-leading-happy-awesome-life. I don't know if she meant that as separate things or as one very big thing.

S- I thought you couldn't get a job because you weren't looking for one.

K- That's what I thought too. But apparently I'm jobless because I'm dark. She also implied that my darkness was encouraging acts of global terrorism, killing the rainforests and making small children all around the world cry uncontrollably.

S- Wow. Maybe you really are a Dark Lord.

K- So I said, ok what can I do? I mean, I don't want my skin color to cause global terrorism and make trees commit suicide.

S-
Yeah. That's some serious bad karma.

K- So she showed me this whitening cream that was like a kajillion rupees. And she said it was for lightening pigmentation, scrubbing off dead skin cells and I was like blah blah blah and she was like ma'am please listen and I was like blah blah blah.

S-
Blah blah blah.

K-
Then I realized what this whitening cream was actually going to do. It was going to turn me into a white person. An authentic, I-Love-All-Colored-People, Indian-Food-Gives-Me-Diarrhea white person.

S- Nowai.

K- For realz! This whitening cream would make my desky skin lighter and lighter until-

S-
Until you became invisible?

K- Until my brown skin turned white. And a person with white skin is a white person.

S-
I don't think it works that way if you were a brown person first.

K- Anyway, I had a feeling this whiteness could help me achieve the dream of every true and patriotic Indian.

S- You mean moving to America?

K- Yes! As a white person I would probably have a nicer time in places like Arizona.

S- Isn't Arizona in Brazil or something?

K- Eh?

S- Arizona? Big river with a bunch of trees? Named after a website that sells stuff?

K- That's the Amazon.

S- Ok. And that's something different that's not Arizona.

K- The Amazon is not Arizona.

S- Ok. The 'A's and 'Z's confused me.

K- Anyway, then I wanted to know if there were different kinds of whitening cream, like to become Russian-White or Italian-White. Then she didn't want to sell me whitening cream anymore and she wanted me to leave.

S- That's too bad.

K- I am doomed to be a Desky Dark Lord forever. Forests will die and children will become serial killers because of me.

S- Bummer you can't be white and go to America now.

K- Yeah. I really wanted to bring back Warren Anderson as a souvenir.


an edited version of this appeared in The New Indian Express Zeitgeist Supplement, Multiverse, Conversations, June 19, 2010

Friday, June 11, 2010

words to tell you what to do, words are working hard for you

20 comments



This sticker is controversial because it has the word 'reading' in it. Reading is very controversial and will probably get you into way more trouble than sexy will. I thought of what reading and sexy have in common.

1. People will say you are a bad person because you read too much, have too much sexy, don't read enough or don't have enough sexy.

2. Reading and sexy can get you in real big trouble because people like to get upset over what other people read and who they have sexy with. This is especially unfortunate when the people who are upset have big guns.

3. Reading too much will make you go blind and crazy. Having too much sexy will make you go blind and crazy.



You Can't Take It With You When You Go

Deepa D recently posted about a mass email that was sent out by the police department of a university after a student was sexually assaulted. She also linked to an essay on rape culture which I think you should read even though it will probably make you feel bad. The mass email listed a number of precautionary measures that I didn't really notice the fuckwittery of because like all good Indian women, I already know a sexual assault is my fault even before it happens so precautionary measures are very important because they might save me and if they don't, that's just because I'm a woman and it's all my fault. Among the interesting things the precautionary measures suggests is to 'Carry minimal amounts of valuables'. Which is indeed sound and very fine advice if you're dealing with thieflets. Rapists are after a different set of "valuables" altogether, which I guess means us ladies should leave our very valuable boobies and vajayjays at home before going out. And I say ladies because this only applies to women because only women get raped, silly. Also only women have boobies. This is not true. Some men also have boobies but I have a strong feeling these boobies are not considered "valuables". I believe that 'minimal amounts of valuables' means we should consider going out with one boobie, which could essentially mean the difference between a rape and a raperape. Because we all know there's a huge difference between rape and raperape.

Does anyone know what rape really means anyway? It's an uncomfortable question to ask because talking about rape is such a bummer. I think the general understanding is that 'rape' is a very badass, irreverent word to use because it has something to do with fucking and violence and it's all very exciting like a movie and who doesn't love a good movie! Using the word over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over again will hopefully make people think that you are all about fucking and violence and you are very exciting like a movie and who doesn't love a good movie! Does it matter that rape is a violent sexual crime but for some reason, people seem to be focusing a lot on the 'sexual' part and not so much on the 'violent' and 'crime' part? Isn't it a drag when chick bloggers talk about rape?


And Now. For Something Completely Different.

Tarvusim
- Specifically because it is everything. And it is nothing. It is. And it isn't. It's SO easy to join. It's so EASY to JOIN. Hebbo!

Jellyfish- Specifically because of jelly fish and jellyfish. There's a difference. If you don't know the difference you will die.

Malk- Specifically for 'You're going to shoot me if I shoot myself? That doesn't make any sense!' and 'You're like a brother to me! Your hand is like a brother to me!'

LOSTCats
- Specifically for 'Dude', 'You all everybody' and 'My Baby!'

Awesome
- Specifically because it has the words awesome and unicorns in it. It also has the word fucking in it. Fucking is such a badbad werd but nobody really knows why. Fecking is not such a bad word. Fycking does not have anything to do with knives or Iceland but I feel like it should.

okbai.

Saturday, June 5, 2010

Conversations- Health Drink Junkie Mutants

21 comments
Before I get into the Conversations this week, I wanted to say, so let us think maybe like this it can happen, like maybe you buy this book and the plastic cover is hard to get off the book means what you do? You make a video of it, that's what you do! Add some cut-up 1930's recording of a reading by Bernard Shaw and a reversed Murcof song and boomboompow homibabas!



insects from beef cobbler on Vimeo.



It is true that my great love for this video clip may stem from the fact that my book features prominently in it. You should buy my book because each time someone buys a copy of my book, a kitten is born somewhere in the world and when it is born, it is smiling and having sweet thoughts of eviscerating unicorns. That is not a sweet thought. Forget I said that. Buy the book but forget I said that.

Anyway I am so glad that this very illustrious young man called Crispin Best made this video. If you are the enjoyment, you will probably also like his really neat blog which I really think is really neat. And if you go there, you can also download a chapbook of his called Men for freez (I just finished reading Men and I liked it very much). He also has other neat videos up on his vimeo page.

Stop Being Racist! Pay More Attention! Be More Alert! Do More Better!

okbai.


***

K- Guess how many. Just guess.

S- Minus 117.

K- Six. I snorted six different kinds of health drinks in my youth. I should go for health drink rehab or something, I feel like a junkie.

S- You know what's really sad? You were FORCED to be a health drink junkie! Those health drinks were FORCED on you as a child!

K- This is very true.

S- Mug after mug, day after day, rainy season, hot season, every single blessed day was scorched and cursed with hot, malty, vomit-in-the-mouth health drinks!

K-
Clearly you have some health drink issues.

S-
Clearly.

K-
Well I have issues too. My first issue is that these health drinks did not do what they were supposed to. Correct me if I'm wrong but they were supposed to turn me into an awesome athlete, an awesome cricketer, an awesome scientist and an awesome Bharatanatyam dancer.

S- That's exactly what they were supposed to do.

K- And none of these things has happened. My awesome athletics career began and ended with Marchpast.

S- I didn't know Marchpast was considered athletics.

K- They kicked me out of Marchpast because I was not only making everyone march incorrectly, I also had the ability to bring team morale down to surprising lows.

S-
I got kicked out because I thought it was 'March Fast' so I was like, isn't that like running? Apparently it wasn't.

K- Ok, so we both lost out in the Awesome Athletics Division. Awesome Cricketer Division?

S- Chee. Cricket is for boys.

K- Oh yes, I keep forgetting that. Many people don't know that the reason why women can't play cricket is because our long hair and love for the color pink disable our cricketing abilities.

S-
Very true. I think that's why women can't do so many things. Long hair and love of pink things disables us.

K- So we are fail in the Awesome Cricketer Division but that's not because of the health drinks, it's because we are women and therefore disabled.

S- Correct.

K- Ok, next. Awesome Scientist Division. My excessive health drink habit failed to save me from falling asleep during every single science class I ever attended in my entire life. So while my sleeping skills developed at an extraordinary rate, the scientist in me quietly coughed and died.

S- I didn't take science group in school.

K- WOAH!

S- Yeah.

K- I can't believe you just said that! Do you realize what you just said?!? Why didn't you take science group, are you a terrorist? Is there something wrong with you?

S- Why is it that whenever I say I didn't take science group in school people act like I just told them I ate a fetus?

K- You are Awesome Scientist Fail.

S-
Epic Fail.

K- Ok, that leaves the Awesome Bharatanatyam Division, which is something all Real Indian Women should excel at, no?

S- I used to sit beside a girl who used to do Bharatanatyam. She kept accusing me of staring at her which was really creepy because most of the time, I didn't even know she was there.

K- I'm really good at my own personal style of dancing which is like dappankoothu-creative modern dance- random deep shoulder movements. Bharatanatyam, no.

S- I wonder where all those years of health drink healthiness went. I hope it's not stockpiled inside us, ready to turn us into health drink junkie mutants.

K- If we turn into health drink junkie mutants, I think we will be just like the health drinks that created us.

S- Meaning we will be hot, malty and vomit-in-the-mouth?

K- Meaning we won't actually do anything. And we will be hot, malty and vomit-in-the-mouth also.

an edited version of this appeared in The New Indian Express Zeitgeist Supplement, Multiverse, Conversations, June 5, 2010
 

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