Saturday, October 30, 2010

Conversations- There’s Something Here From Somewhere Else

10 comments
Before we get into the Conversations, I want to say that

1. As an alleged Indian, an alleged writer but more importantly, as a person with a blog, it is my patriotic duty to say something about that whole Arundhati Roy- Kashmir Kerfuffle. I think the most important issue here is how awesome for Ms. Roy to sorta-but-not-really quote Mr. T.

I PITY THE FOOL!


Also, for the people who are really mad at Ms. Roy (and there are a lot of you. Like, a LOT) and for those who are really mad at the people who are really mad at Ms. Roy, I dedicate this GIF to you all (clicky teh sexehdude if he is not dancing properly).

                         (this GIF was stolen from jezebel.com but I can’t remember from where or who)

Now see this same dude go like this. (again, clicky teh sexehdude if he is not dancing properly).

                                                                  (this GIF was stolen from here )

Anyhoo, I was also going to dedicate one another GIF to all the people that got maybe even just a leeetle more informed about the Kashmir issue because of this whole kerfuffle but I couldn’t find any such peepals. So anyway, next time can we please make this about Chetan Bhagat, Naxalites and genetically-modified eggplants? Because then peepal could use the Naxalites as an excuse to unload all their Chetan Bhagat hate (which is silly because nobody hates Chetan Bhagat. also SHUTUP YOURS BLEDDY FEMALE MOUTHS!!!! ANYONE HATES CHETAN BHAGAT MEANS SUCH FOOLS ARE ANTI-INDIAN AND AGAINST COMMON PEOPLES!!!) and they can do all this while totally not talking about the Naxalites at all. I feel the genetically-modified eggplants would lend a scientific touch to the whole show because science is awesome.

2. I will not be blogging next month. 

3. This Conversations title is actually a line stolen from the original version of this song

okbai.

******

S- I’ve heard that phrase a lot though. ‘It smelled as bad as day-old Indian food.’ Seems to be a popular way of describing very bad smells in America. Makes you wonder what they’re putting in the “Indian food” over there, no?

K- Decayed Indians probably. Also, what does this say about us who live in India and often eat day-old food and don’t think it smells bad?

S- I think it means we are dirty savages that eat gross things. They should have a Discovery program about us called ‘Ew Gross!- Indians Who Eat Day Old Indian Food In India!’ With a nice white host who makes faces into the camera and describes in a historical, cultural and geographic context how gross we are.

K- Do we have to put bones through our noses?

S- No, that’s only for Africans. Speaking of which-

K- Oh right! You are getting some international guestsoos, no?

S- South African guestoos, very exciting. You know anything about South Africa? Apart from the fact that they have a cricket team?

K- Oh, South Africans are cool! Unless of course they are white, in which case they are all racist and apartheid and stuff.

S- My guestoos are white.

K- Oh.

S- This is when you say ‘Just because they are white and from South Africa does not mean they are racist and apartheid and stuff.’

K- But I saw this documentary and all the white South Africans were racists and white supremacists and like ‘oh we really dig apartheid’ and stuff.

S- What kind of documentary was this?

K- It was about white supremacists in South Africa.

S- You don't think it's a little fuckwitted to assume all white South Africans are white supremacists because of some documentary you saw?

K- It was a very classy documentary! The person doing the voice-over had a British accent!

S- Well that changes everything.

K- Theoretically your theory is fine in theory, you silly little uterus-carrier. But if you had a prostate, you would know that there was also that movie with Leonardo DiCaprio in it and he was also racist and South African and he called everyone bru. Like the coffee. Ithu Bru Ma!

S- Did you just call me a uterus-carrier?

K- Yes, bru.

S- What about your uterus?

K- I don’t think there’s any need to be obscene and drag my uterus into this.

S- I think I shouldn’t talk to you about this anymore because you don’t know anything but you just keep talking.

K- Also, going by the movie The Gods Must Be Crazy, I believe it’s customary to welcome white South Africans with some kind of choir-like song. Like Rasaathi from Thiruda Thiruda. I’ll come over and we can sing for them and wave our hands and be very non-threatening.

S- Ok, before I go, one number question. I’m doing an informal poll-type thing. What do you know about Kashmir?

K- Bhumbro! Nice song, no? How did it go? Bhumbro, bhumbro....bhumbro....bhumbro....

S- Very complex lyrics.

K- I think there may be other words but 'bhumbro' is the core concept here.

S- And that’s all you know about Kashmir?

K- Um….fightingfighting?

S- You know why fightingfighting?

K- Because…they are angry? About something?

S- You think maybe India has something to do with the fightingfi-

K- YOU FUCKING ANTI-PATRIOTIC FUCKING PAKISTANI FUCKING FUCKING FUCKER! HOW DARE YOU SAY ANYTHING BAD ABOUT INDIA!

S- I just-

K- KASHMIR BELONGS TO INDIA, YOU ANTI-PATRIOTIC ASSHOLE!

S- The people who live there-

K- WHO THE FUCK CARES ABOUT THE PEOPLE WHO LIVE THERE? KASHMIR BELONGS TO INDIA, YOU FUCKING PAKISTANI!

S- Ok.

K- JAI HIND!!! YOU DACOITY GOONDA NAXALITE MAOIST FEMINIST!!!

S- Ok.

K- So let me know what time you want me to come for the Welcome Dance. I will choreograph simple step we can do also.

***

Indian Weltanschauung*- What South African culture? South Africans have no culture! They are all rogues and rapists. They are like Australians only they live in Africa!

S- I thought since you lived there for a while maybe you knew some -

Indian Weltanschauung- I only socialized with Indians. From India. The Indians in South Africa are as bad as the whites. All loose women.

S- Ok.

Indian Weltanschauung- See, I know too well about white South Africans.  And what I can say is that all white South Africans are rogues and rapists.

S- But you never actually interacted with them.

Indian Weltanschauung- Chee. I never interact with such people. Rogues and rapists.

S- Didn’t you say the exact same thing about Americans?

Indian Weltanschauung- I know too well about Americans. Rogues and rapists.

S- And you know this because you lived in America for a while but you never interacted with Americans because you only hung out with Indians from India because the AmericanIndians were as bad as the whites, especially the loose women.

Indian Weltanschauung- Exactly.

S- You say that about all countries, no? Except India, of course.

Indian Weltanschauung-  I’m very well traveled. I often go to new countries, experience new cultures and meet new people.

S- Right.

Indian Weltanschauung- I think maybe I should come to your house also, just as a precaution. These white South Africans can be very dangerous. Take it from me, I know them too well.

S- Um, one more thing, just a random question. What do you know about Kashmir?

Indian Weltanschauung- I know too well about Kashmiris. All rogues and rapists.

S- So you know about the fighting there.

Indian Weltanschauung- Big blow to India’s film industry. Basically it’s because all Kashmiris only know how to throw stones. Take it from me. I know them too well.

S- You think maybe India has something to do with the fighti-

Indian Weltanschauung- How dare you say such things?! India is great!

S- But-

Indian Weltanschauung- India is great!

S- But there’s-

Indian Weltanschauung- India is great!

S- But some-

Indian Weltanschauung- India is great India is great India is great!

S- Ok.

Indian Weltanschauung- I think maybe you are getting confused about all this, better you stop reading so much feminist propaganda.

S-  Ok.

***

SexehBewbies- DIE ANTWOORD!!

S- Eh?

SexehBewbies- South African hip hop.

S- And this is all you know about South Africa?

SexehBewbies- Yes. I think they’re rapping in South African or something which is awesome because if I’m playing it and someone asks ‘What are they saying?’ then I go ‘South African hip hop, bru’ and they go like ‘Ohhh’ like they know I’m the man because I listen to South African hip hop. You know?

S- Maybe they’re rapping in Afrikaans.

SexehBewbies- Whatever. They did have one song which had this line that goes ‘no means yes’ and that was kind of rapey but it’s hard to tell if they were just being ironic or South African.

S- Maybe they were being rapey. The Indian Weltanschauung told me all white South Africans are rogues and rapists.

SexehBewbies- The Indian Weltanschauung told me all Indians who drink Rooh Afza are Pakistani spies.

S- Not rogues and rapists?

SexehBewbies- Rogues and rapists also. But mainly Pakistani spies. Hey, can I come and say hi to your South Africans? I can talk to them about Die Antwoord. Because if they are South African and white then they HAVE to like Die Antwoord and it will make them feel safe and at home to talk to a nice public Indian fellow who knows about Die Antwoord.

S- This could be like how you kept talking to those German people about Rammstein. Even though they kept telling you that they didn’t like Rammstein.

Sexehbewbies- I think they weren’t really German. How can you be German and not like Rammstein? That’s like being Japanese and not liking Dir En Grey.

S- One question I wanted to ask.

Sexehbewbies- AskAsk.

S- What do you know about Kashmir?

Sexehbewbies- I really don’t like Kashmir apples. 

S- There’s also like that whole fightingfighting thing happening there also, no? Remember?

Sexehbewbies- Oh right! Yeah, that too.

S- You think maybe India has something to do with the fighti-

Sexehbewbies- Whoa, whoa, no need to get all Che Guevara there! Relax! What’s with the fascism?

S- Eh?

Sexehbewbies- You’re getting all anarchist and anti-India and stuff and it’s not cool.

S- But I didn’t even-

Sexehbewbies- Stop it dude, you’re being gross! India is totally justified in doing whatever it’s doing up there. Don’t be all weird and Marxist and shit. It’s so fucking creepy when people get all Maoist and whatever.

S- You have no idea what’s happening in Kashmir do you.

Sexehbewbies- No. But India is awesome. I really don't like those apples though.

***

K- But why??? I put nice step and all and practiced and everything! Very non-threatening steps also!

S- Well between you insisting on coming to sing Thiruda Thiruda welcome song, Indian Weltanschauung insisting on coming over to protect me from the raping white South Africans and SexehBewbies insisting on coming over to talk to them about Die Antwoord, I thought maybe better if I just met them somewhere else where you guys can’t find us. Especially since there are going to be some Kashmiris there also.

K- Oh nice. You’re hanging out with white supremacists and anti-India militants. Real patriotic. If I tweet about this, you’ll be in big trouble. People will call you names and they’ll do it in allcaps with lots of exclamation marks. And if we’re really pissed off, we’ll demand you get booked for sedation, seduction and Sadducees.

S- Look, if it makes you feel better, I’m sorry, the white South Africans are sorry for being white South Africans and the Kashmiris are sorry for being Kashmiris. In fact we’re all sorry for everything.

K- Whatever. Oh, I forgot to tell you. South Africans are into boars.

S- Maybe you mean Boer?

K- Is that not the South African word for boar?

S- No.

K- South Africa is complicated.

S- At least it’s not as complicated as Kashmir.

K- Yeah. India is awesome. Jai Hind, man.

S- Jai Hind.

*




*I stole and modified this awesome name from what Supriya Nair used here because I am jetlagged so it’s totes ok to steal like that.

Saturday, October 23, 2010

this is what happens when people write blog posts like this

6 comments
Ohai! Is it wrong that on my sporadic FB visits, when I see teh wimminz with slightly suggestive (and by suggestive I mean “naughty”) status updates, I immediately think that they are talking about breast cancer? What does it mean that breast cancer has become a “naughty” thing on teh internetz? Are people getting very excited about the ‘breast’ part and sorta missing out on the ‘cancer’ part of it entirely? Will I live to see the day when dudes start to rock out with their cock out to spread awareness about testicular cancer? That totally needs to happen.

We have been through some most hard times, homibabas. Hard, hard times. Here are some of the things that grieved me in recent months, days and hours. I share them with you so that you can also be sad.

Things That Might Make You Sad

1. Ubuweb wuz hacked! And some people were happy it wuz hacked! And while the debate about Ubuweb and ownership issues and permission issues ensues, I think this is a great time for writers and all other people to say to themselves, ‘Hmm. Do I own the copyright for the stuff I’ve published?’ Because it would really suck if you thought you owned the copyright for your work and then you find out you don’t. Even if you’re willing to give everything you write away for free, at least know what you are giving away and what ‘giving away’ is going to mean for you. Please know that I say this as someone who blissfully and ignorantly and completely signed away copyrights for an embarrassing number of things with my own one number hand, without really understanding what I was signing away. Which means I should probably just cut my hand off but I need it so maybe I will cut it off later.

2. A book called Such A Long Journey by Rohinton Mistry was removed from the second year course syllabus at Mumbai University because a person belonging to a certain political party said it was offensive and they burned copies of it and I think they wanted to burn the author also but they didn’t actually read the entire book or something. The book-burning-wanting-to-burn-author part is not new so it is not interesting (tho an esteemed commentator on this blog called shruti ravi provided this link which maybe you can read in light of these events). What is profoundly and awesomely interesting is that these actions actually resulted in the University removing the book from the syllabus. Which makes me wish I had done the same thing when I was in college because the syllabus had a lot of books which I had no intention of reading and they really offended me. And I think we can all agree that the people who are in the best position to decide what books should be part of a syllabus are students who haven't actually read the books but are offended by them. I feel maybe it’s still not too late to share my feelings about some of the books that offended me. I’ve provided helpful explanations why I found these texts offensive and also how they are offensive to Indian culture, which automatically makes me awesome because anything done in the name of saving Indian Culture is good. Which also means that if you don’t agree with me, you are against Indian culture and it’s totes ok if I set you on fire.

Adam Bede- Title clearly has the word ‘Adam’ in it which is a reference to Christianity which is not Hinduism so it must be against Hinduism and hence against Indian culture. Also someone said that ‘bede’ was pronounced ‘beedi’ which has tobacco which causes lung cancer which makes people die. Dying is against Indian culture.

MiddleMarch- It was allegedly written by someone called George but apparently George was really a girl but she was pretending to be a boy and girls pretending to be boys is against Indian culture. Also, it has too many pages which is also against Indian culture too also.

An Anthology of American Literature - A very reliable source told me there is a semicolon somewhere in this book and one another reliable source told me that semicolons are against Indian culture, because they have the word ‘colon’ in them. Also it’s American, which means it is CIA plot which means it is against Indian culture.

Moll Flanders- Flanders is the neighbor on The Simpsons which is an American show but more offensively, it is the name of the field where the poppies blow. Poppies are where heroin comes from. Heroin is a drug. Drugs are bad. All of this, including The Simpsons, is against Indian culture. Nobody in India uses drugs. We don’t even know what drugs are.

Also, all of these books are in English which is like SO totes against Indian culture that I can’t even say how offensive that is. Of course I am also offending myself by writing about all this in English also. Maybe I should set myself on fire. Maybe I can do that after I cut off my hand.

3. Good Charlotte has a new song, which I mistakenly thought was a very long ad for some new kind of cell phone. In the same vein, I thought Hey Soul Sister by Train was an ad jingle for home loans and I thought that maybe the teevee ad would have a young couple smiling in new house because they’re both really happy that they have just manacled themselves to this loan that will only take 4977 years to pay off. I have to say that in my old age, many songs are starting to sound either like ad jingles or the opening theme tune for a really bad American sitcom.

4. What could possibly be moar bizarre than that Ambani house? The reaction from many…um, well let’s call them Phust World Pholks, who believe that Mukesh Ambani shouldn’t have built that kind of a house because India is filled with poor peepal. Seriously. Peepal are actually typing those words out and they are appearing on teh internetz. Anyhoo, I’ve noticed that many Phust World Pholks reallyreally like to tell us how we should all be communists in our Third World countries but this advice is never applicable for Phust World countries because that would be communist and that’s bad. I have to admit, I don’t really understand how that works but I know that if the Phust World says this, it must be true.

5. M.I.A. decided to show up to Scream 2010 wearing something which was allegedly a niqab allegedly which is so allegedly shawking. Let’s not talk about the “politics” of this because it’s just too shawking. Instead, let’s talk about how she put this very colorful arrangement on and was at some point surrounded by her peeps, her entourage and they all looked at her and said ‘Go on with your bad self girlfriend, you are looking FIERCE!’

6. I just finished listening to a podcast of the novel Lorna Doone. Why? Who can say? In my opinion, Lorna Doone can be described in purely critical and literary terms as a big Tamil movie with a Scottish accent. So I feel that you can just watch a nice, masala Tamil village-type movie and get the Lorna Doone story without the tedium and with comedy track and songs thrown in.

7. My feelings on the Slate-India Today-Aroon Purie-Jet Lag Turned Me Into A Plagiarist Saga seen as a Golden Girls GIF.


GIFSoup


Things That Might Make You Happy

1. The fine and upstanding engsters at Madness Mandali are making so much progress with theirs one number visual poetry book. However. They are not having title. Titles are so important for a book because when people try to remember a book they have read, they often remember parts of the story and the color of the cover but they rarely remember the title. So if you believe that you can provide a good title that is in keeping with Indian culture, then you can go here and tell the good peepal the name you had in mind and if they like yuvars namechoice so much, you will win a free copy of said book plus a copy of the poster which, and I quote ‘has been proven by research to increase the aesthetic appeal of even a pista-green wall so even people in Racism jail can ekdum enjai this.’

2. Dekstop Life is a powerful story that relates a powerful chronicle of a collection of powerful things that live on a desktop. Also, there is an elephant, which is totes in keeping with Indian culture.

3. I Kill People by Jon Lajoie can be described as Canadian gangsta rap which means it has an equal chance of being epic in a very mind-blowingly epic kind of way or so embarrassing that you feel overwhelming amounts of cringe and sorry for all Canadians as a people. Jon Lajoie falls into the first category while Nickelback falls into the second category. Jon Lajoie also sang this other Canadian gangsta rap hit, which is all about supereffective dudes who have a supereffective way with the leddies. I am not going to mention the title of this song because it has the word ‘genitals’ in it and genitals are against Indian culture. I just mentioned the word 'genitals' twice although I didn't mean to. I just did it again. Oh whale.


5. Lucifer by SHINee.

okbai

Saturday, October 16, 2010

Conversations- The Yellow Leddies Coalition Committee Organization Meeting

14 comments
S- The good news is that The Yellow Leddies Coalition Committee Organization meeting will be held as scheduled.

K- Yay alcohol!

S- Now about the alcohol,

K- Yay!

S- One of our Yellow Leddies just had jaundice, as you know.

K- Yes, she was a true Yellow Leddies.

S- So she can’t have any alcohol because she might die or something so it was thought that as a sign of solidarity, we would not have any alcohol at this Yellow Leddies Coalition Committee Organization meeting.

K- I don’t understand.

S- We’re not having any alcohol.

K- I don’t understand.

S- No alcohol. Thanni kadayaathu. Vellam illa. Any idea how to say in Telugu?

K- No. Although I believe that the Telugu word for beer is beeru.

S- So if we just put one –ulu on the Tamil version we should get Telugu version, no? Beeru kadayaathulu.

K- That sounds very Telugu to me.

S-
Anyway, we must have some other form of entertainments instead of alcohol.

K- How about Uno?

S- You want to substitute alcohol with Uno?

K- Oh! How about an exotic dancer? I know one called SexehBewbies.

S- How does your brain go from Uno to exotic dancers called SexehBewbies?

K- SexehBewbies likes playing Uno.

S- Is that part of her act?

K- SexehBewbies is a dude.

S-
Oh! Like a drag queen?

K- No, he’s a very generic kind of dude who likes to lift his shirt up and show off his bewbies when he’s dancing. So racist of you to assume all exotic dancers are women.

S- You think our Yellow Leddies would be appreciating exotic male dancer called SexehBewbies?

K- Probably not as much as the alcohol. But whattodo.

S- You ask and tell, ah?

K- He will say yes only. He is a very public fellow.

***

K- But I said you were exotic male dancer.

SexehBewbies- So?

K- Dancing to Dandanakka Sarruku is not exotic.

SexehBewbies- Well if you had been American it would be very exotic for your face.

K- But I’m not American. None of us are.

SexehBewbies- Right. But if you were.

K- But we’re not.

SexehBewbies- But if you were.

K- This is the best conversation ever.

SexehBewbies- There is just more scope for rhythmic shirt lifting with the Dandanakka Sarruku song. And I can wear my onenumber lungi also.

K- You only have onenumber lungi? Chee. A real Tamil man would have millions of lungis. Millions and millions and millions.

SexehBewbies- Yes but I make up for my lack of lungis by having a moustache that curls up at the ends. Slightly. Sometimes.

K- You mean one side sticks out and looks somewhat.

SexehBewbies- IT CURLS UP.

K- Ok.

SexehBewbies- IT DOES!

K- Hang on, one another call is coming.

***

S- One of our Yellow Leddies has sent me a message asking ‘Will he be exposing?’

K- Exposing what?

S- I don’t know.

K- Like investigative journalism exposing?

S- Hang on, I’ll ask.

***

S- Ok she said not exposing like investigative journalism. Exposing like exposing peanuts.

K- Exposing peanuts?

S- That’s what she texted, ‘Will he be exposing peanuts?’

K-
I don’t know if he has any peanuts. Hang on, I’ll ask.

***


SexehBewbies- I guess I could buy some. What do you want me to do with them?

K- Maybe eat them in an exotic way? Like with a knife and fork or something? Or chopsticks?

SexehBewbies- Or I could throw them around I guess. In an exotic manner.

K- You could do that.

SexehBewbies- I better go get some and start practicing. I’ve never danced with peanuts before.

***

S- About that peanuts thing.

K- He’s just gone to get some.

S- Apparently the question was ‘will he be exposing penis’.

K- How did you manage to read ‘penis’ as ‘peanuts’?

S- Slight confusions happened because this Yellow Leddies likes to spell it ‘peanus’. Which is actually kinda neat.

K- It is!

S- So will he?

K- I don’t know. Lemme ask.

***

SexehBewbies- But I bought all these peanuts!

K- Does this mean no?

SexehBewbies- My house is filled with peanuts! What am I going to do with all these fucking peanuts?!

K- I can understand if you want to say no if maybe the shy is coming for you.

SexehBewbies- I can’t find my fucking bathroom chappals because they’re somewhere under all these fucking bags of fucking peanuts!

K- Ok, Imma just tell them no because I have a feeling this means no.

***

K- Are you guys sure you don’t want peanuts instead? Because peanuts can totally happen right now. Peanuts abundance is happening.

S- Here’s the thing. A number of Yellow Leddies are saying forget exotic male dancer and just do alcohol for the meeting.

K- What about solidarity for jaundicecase?

S- Solidarity and all don’t want.

K- But SexehBewbies bought all these peanuts.

S- How much? So much?

K- SO much.

S- Ok, hang on.

***

K- So the bad news is that you can’t show us your penis. Which must pain you greatly because I know dudes like doing that kind of thing all the time.

SexehBewbies- We do. It’s a wonder we keep our pants on at all.

K- The good news is that The Yellow Leddies Coalition Committee Organization has agreed to buy all those peanuts from you so we can eat them at the meeting as sidedish for alcohol maindish.

SexehBewbies- No solidarity for the jaundicecase then?

K- Solidarity don’t want. Also the jaundicecase can’t come so it doesn't make any sense to be solidarity for someone who isn’t going to be there anyway.

SexehBewbies- Especially if you weren’t going to be solidarity in the first place.

K- Exactly. And it has been decided that you will be invited and made an honorary Yellow Leddies.

SexehBewbies- I am truly honored, humbled and squee. Am I the phust dude to ever be elected a Yellow Leddie everever?

K- Actually no. We are having a number of Yellow Leddies Gents Fellows. I think you may be the phust gents fellow called SexehBewbies to ever be elected a Yellow Leddie though.

SexehBewbies- Oh is it? Then you should give me an award, no?

K- We’ll give you some peanuts.

Saturday, October 9, 2010

it wasn’t me who started that old crazy asian war

13 comments
This blog title is brought to you by the song Ruby, Don’t Take Your Love To Town. Take control of the future of your future by not supporting Crazy Asian Wars and Crazy Asians.

So, did you hear about that white dude from New Zealand who did the most adorably poopoo-peepee racist shenanigans on TV because of Sheila Dikshit’s name and then he got suspended or something? Which is like SO unfair and is clearly just another instance of white dude persecution. Because, let’s be honest homibabaterroristpeepal. The problem here is not the white dude. It’s Sheila Dikshit’s name. And if there was any justice in this world, all foreigners with weird names (like Kuzhali Manickavel, for example) would just change them to normal white dude names so white dudes wouldn’t keep getting in trouble like this! Stop white dude persecution! It’s so mean, you guys!

Anyway, did you hear that Julia Roberts is allegedly looking to adopt an Indian bebbeh? If you are reading this blog post Julia Roberts (which I’m sure you are) can I just say that I think you should adopt me. Why because I kinda speak English but not really and I know all about Jersey Shore (hollaholla for Snooki and her new novel) so that means I am very well-versed in American culture, which means I will integrate into your society very easily. Also, just think of the great bio you will have. ‘Julia Roberts has an adopted daughter from India who has written a book and has a Pushcart Nomination also’

What’s that you say? You got a Pushcart nomination? Why yes! Yes I did! The fine, upstanding and all-round awesome people at mud luscious press have nominated my chapbook Three Scenarios Leading to the Rape of a Teenage Girl in the Tropicool Icy-land Urban Indian Slum for a Pushcart or as we can also call them, a Pushkee. Now I know Pushkee Noms are sorta passé now that every online zine can nom which means that everyone and everyone else has at least ten noms and now Pushkee noms suck because teh internetz just came and ruined everything. But this is my very first Pushcart nom ever. And I am soveryhappy that the people at mlp thought my chapbook was worth nominating. So I think it is only fitting to call out my ZOMG PONI3S!!1! Bais and tell them the good news. Hey! ZOMG PONI3S!!1! Bais! I got a Pushcart Nomination!


GIFSoup

I can’t tell you how pleased I am to know that these Bais will always be ecstatically happy for me. Always.

And now, I offer for your eyeballs, this picture of one of the best bookshelves I have ever seen in my life. Please note my one number book is there, chilling with Lorrie Moore, Aimee Bender and other noteworthy peepals.


This epitome of bookshelfness can be found in a store called Waterstones, which is in the UK and not in our country at all. It was created by Sara Crowley, who is not only a buddy from my writing workshop days of aulde, she is also a fellow follower of Tarvuism. She blogs here and you can maybe read these flash pieces she wrote because I read them and enjaied like anything and maybe you will too.

Now, this article is another good example of how the internet ruins everything, although some people might say it’s how the First World ruins everything but that’s just so rude, ok? Now from what I understand, some filmmakers (who are American I think. Which sort of reiterates that whole First World ruins everything argument but that’s rude zomg!) made this documentary about Indian sex workers who were “selling their bodies in the name of the Hindu Goddess Yellamma”. Totes hot, right? It’s like poverty porn and sex and weird Hindoo stuff all mixed together and that’s fucking haut. Now apparently, apart from a whole lot of other stuff, they didn’t bother to get the proper consent from these sex workers for this documentary because pffft, what the fuck for? They’re SEX WORKERS! They’re in INDIA. They don’t speak ENGLISH. How the fuck are they going to know what’s on here? Because these illustrious filmmakers seem to have jacked up the sensational factor on this one, and who wouldn’t? I mean it’s Hindoo! And sex workers! In India! Anyhoo, totes bummer because then these sex workers found out what was really going on, made their own video and posted it on YouTube. See? Internet ruins everything.

Now, I feel compelled to give illustrious filmmakers like these, who exist all around the world, some worthy advice. There is only one way to make Hindoo sex worker India documentary type things and not have shit like this come and bite you in the ass afterwards. And that is to make the whole thing up, which won’t be that hard because you’ve almost kinda done that anyway and LOTS of people do it! SERIOUSLY! So just round up some generically brown people (brown means not orange like how some people in your country look after getting tan), make them eat monkey brains in honor of their great and ancient god MonkeyBrains and BAM! Oscar for you, I guarantee it and you won’t have to fret your pretty little selves with all those bothersome things that come with dealing with the real thing.

At this juncture, I want to say that I feel a little bad about saying all that stuff about Julia Roberts and adopting Indian children, which I am sure is a good and noble thing to do because there are probably no poor children in America to adopt, which is why so many celebs need to go to other countries to find them. I fully admit I am a charity impaired person. But. I'm cool because I have charitably-inclined acquaintances. For example, there is one very illustrious acquaintance of mine who often goes to godforsaken villages that are so teenyweeny they would probably slip through the cracks in the ground. Said acquaintance goes and cleans the temples there because… that’s what they like to do. At one such teenyweeny village, the village children asked for one of the old cardboard boxes that said acquaintance was about to throw away. The box was given and said children initiated an incredibly rousing and exciting game of soccer, with the box being used as a ball. I myself did this in my youth but that was in a First World country where all the children behave normally so I’m guessing this is normal children behavior. Anyhoo, from what I understood, there was a lot of laughing and shouting and people stopped and watched and the sun was going down and all that sort of thing.

It was at this juncture that said acquaintance admitted that this was possibly the saddest thing they had ever seen in their life. Because I am charity impaired, I was unclear as to why this person was feeling sad, especially when everyone else was apparently very happy. And the acquaintance said that everyone would have been so much more happy if the children had a real soccer ball instead of a box. And then, because I am stupid, I said but they’re having fun with the box, no? No. Apparently they really weren’t happy with the box. And the worthy and most illustrious acquaintance assured me that the only way they would be happy was with a soccer ball. Which kind of sort of but not really reminded me of those people who tell you that your life is a hot fucking mess and you need to be saved, even though you think your life is ok and while you may need some things, saving isn't one of them.

I'm sure said teenyweeny village could have done with some help and I think maybe you can ask them what help they need instead of forcing soccer balls on them. But charity is hard and I haz fullrespect for all the folks who want to “make a difference” over their summer holidays, because making a difference is one of the easiest things to accomplish on a summer holiday, next to contracting food poisoning. Although it can be such a bummer when that difference doesn’t happen by the time you have to head back home. Like when the natives don’t learn English and save their village with that valiant English knowledge. Charity is also a very high-risk affair. For one thing, you have to make sure you don’t scar poor Indian children for life by showing them an iPod.

Anyway, this montage of 80’s dating videos is filled with white dudes (which is unfortunate in the face of all this white dude persecution) but I think it’s universal in its awesomeness, most of which, interestingly enough, seems to still exist even today. Also, generally not a good idea to mention sexual abuse when you’re hoping to get laid.

And here are some of the best lines from a movie called The Room. These remind me a lot of this late night ad I saw on the teevee where there was this dude and he had this wife and she always wore nightie and always the next door aunty was coming to see her and they both sat very close to each other and rubbed each other’s arms, which I think meant they were lesbians but luckily the dude got this jar of something that cured his wife of the lesbianism and everything was ok. Anyway, the acting in The Room and the acting in the late night lesbian-cure-in-a-bottle ad seem to be of the same caliber and I wonder if they are all possibly from the same school of acting. Maybe they are all classmates. Maybe they all played marbles together.

Also,

Dina Martina sings Away in a Manger and Angels we have heard on High.

Hello by SHINee


Just You and Me by Zee Avi

okbai.

Saturday, October 2, 2010

Conversations- The Conversation Terrorist

12 comments
S- You’re kidding, right?

The Conversation Terrorist- You don’t want to talk to me. I can tell.

S- How can you say that?? I’ve been talking to you for the past 6 hours when there was nothing to talk about in the first place.

The Conversation Terrorist- You never want to talk to me. You talk to everyone else but you never talk to me.

S- It's humanly impossible for this conversation to go on. If we keep going, someone will go crazy and start eating their own face. And by someone I mean me.

The Conversation Terrorist- See? You don’t want to talk to me.


14 hours later.

The Conversation Terrorist- So. Tell me something.

S- I can’t feel my ears. Also, I feel like killing myself. Repeatedly.

The Conversation Terrorist- You’re acting like you don’t want to talk to me.


3 days later.

S- I need to go to the bathroom.

The Conversation Terrorist- You can take your phone into the bathroom, no? Unless you don’t want to talk to me.

S- No no. You’re right. I’ve always wanted you to hear me pee.

The Conversation Terrorist- Don’t drop the phone down the toilet. If you do, I’ll think you don’t want to talk to me.


5 days later.

The Conversation Terrorist-
I think you don’t want to talk to me.

S- Sorry, I fell asleep.

The Conversation Terrorist- Because you don’t want to talk to me.

S- One day, possibly very soon, I will die. Who will you talk to then?

The Conversation Terrorist- No idea. You have any suggestions?



The next day


K- OHAI!!!

The Conversation Terrorist- It’s 3 in the morning.

K-
Why didn’t you call me?

The Conversation Terrorist- It’s 3 in the morning.

K- Is it? I don’t have any clocks in my house.

The Conversation Terrorist- Why not?

K- I don’t believe in time. I think it’s a CIA plot.

The Conversation Terrorist- My father thinks the CIA are the ones causing all the problems at the CWG.

K- Your father sounds like a great man. Actually why I called you means...

8 seconds later

The Conversation Terrorist- Hello?

K- Yes?

The Conversation Terrorist- Why aren’t you saying anything? Why you called means?

K- Oh right! Why I called means I wanted to warn you about what happens sometimes when people call me.

The Conversation Terrorist- You put your phone in the mixie.

K- I only did that once. What happens is sometimes people call me and all their major internal organs just spontaneously fall out of their body. Has that ever happened to you?

The Conversation Terrorist- Why do you say such things? I think maybe a lot of people find it very irritating when you say things like this. Especially when you call at 3 in the morning.

K- I think maybe a lot of people can go fuck themselves.

The Conversation Terrorist- I think you only use such language because you really don’t want to talk to me.

K-
Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck.

The Conversation Terrorist- See?

K- Fuckity Fuckity fuckfuckfuck.

The Conversation Terrorist- I know you don’t want to talk to me but- Hello?


16 seconds later.

K- I hung up on you.

The Conversation Terrorist- I thought it got cut.

K- No, I hung up on you because I thought you didn’t want to talk to me.

The Conversation Terrorist- Ok, be serious now. Tell me what you’re doing.

K-
I heard you do a lot of drugs, is this true?

The Conversation Terrorist- Chee, I never do such things.

K- Do you eat fetuses?

The Conversation Terrorist- What?

K- You must never eat a fetus. You must also never shake your uterus. If you don’t have a uterus, you must never go and shake someone else’s uterus.

The Conversation Terrorist- Did you say ‘eat a fetus’?

K- Do you take Crocin?

The Conversation Terrorist- Sometimes if I have headache I-

K- That means you do drugs. You’re a crack whore.

The Conversation Terrorist- Why won’t you be serious and just tell me what you’re doing.

K- I’m talking on the phone with a crack whore.

The Conversation Terrorist- I’m not a- hello? Hello?


20 seconds later.

K- I hung up again. I think maybe you don’t want to talk to me because you’re a crack whore. Is this true?

The Conversation Terrorist-
I think maybe-

K- I heard that all your ancestors had non-consensual sex with dead trees. Is this true? I won’t judge you but I do want to say that consensual sex is always the best kind of sex. You may want to share that with your people.

The Conversation Terrorist- Are you saying bad things about my family?

K- I feel like you don’t really want to talk to me but you're pretending to because you want to have non-consensual sex with the dead trees of my own ancestral properties. I feel used.

The Conversation Terrorist-
I -

K- My ancestral property trees are not dead yet! I don’t have any ancestral property trees! YOU'RE TEARING ME APART, LISA!

The Conversation Terrorist- Ok, this is-

K- WHY DON’T YOU WANT TO TALK TO ME?

The Conversation Terrorist- I really don’t-

K- WHY?

The Conversation Terrorist- I -

K- WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY? Hello? Lisa? Have you ever considered changing your name to Lisa? Hello?

*****

S- I regret to inform you that The Conversation Terrorist’s number seems to have changed.

K- Oh.

S- Someone said they’re hiding in Greenland but it’s all just speculation at this point.

K- You think they’re hiding because they don’t want to talk to me?

S- Yes.

K- Do you want to talk to me?

S- No.

K- I’ll just go talk to myself then.

S- I think that would be best for everyone involved.
 

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