Saturday, December 25, 2010

will you take that phoney dream and burn it before something happens?

10 comments
Heppy ChristhuMuhsu! Can I just say that there is something very thrilling in being part of the majority who extends patronizing good wishes to the minority on their holiday. What makes this even better is that I have some Christian friends so that makes me awesome and way better than peeps who don’t have Christian friends. I mean, Christian friend. I used to have one. I think. Anyway, truly, it’s that time of year again where a large number of peeps in my corner of the world wonder why the postman didn’t come and decide it must be some Muslim holiday like Bakrid. Christmas anthems like Do They Know It’s Christmas? were totes made for folks like us. It’s just how we do.

The title of this blog post is taken from the play Death of a Salesman. Is it not very fine? I think it is very fine. Other things which were scrawled in the margins of this sametext include

Walrus is ugly sea animal
Willy failure
No vandi, bus
America consumerist society
M. Kalaivani

And now, I’m going to talk about how white people are just the worst thing ever. Kidding! I’m actually going to do a best of 2010 round up because no other blog or site is doing this at all. KIDDING! However, I thought it worth mentioning that this blog had a birthday sometime last month which I completely forgot and neglected also because I’m an awful person and I neglect and forget everything. This is how you make someone else’s birthday all about yourself. FYI.

Ok seriously peepal, like really. I was listening to some author interview with some author dude and as has come to be an inevitable part of inevitable author interviews, said author dude lamented about how the English language was being corrupted and vandalized by things like LOL and HAY SUP!!1!! and it's just like the worst thing evar because these are very corrupting and vandalizing things. Below, kindly see the proofs of the corruption of the vandalisms.

funny pictures
from www.icanhascheezburger.com

Anyhoo, said writer dude and manymanymany other writerpeepal hast seen these dirty nonstandard, nonconventional English languages and doth proclaim that we are all going to die right now and it’s really going to hurt unless we all repent and reform ourselves unto that one most holy form of Ye Aulde Standardized and Conventional Goode English. It is the only thing that can save us from…whatever we need to be saved from. Because there are so many kinds of Englishes out there, each having its own use and meaning in places that aren’t England or America (gasp! How can that even be possible?!?), it makes complete and utter sense that Ye Aulde Standardized and Conventional Goode English, created by Ye Aulde, Standard, Conventional and Goode English people, rule over all of them. Like the Lord of the Rings but not really.

One Standardized and Conventional English to rule them all
One Standardized and Conventional English to find them,
One Standardized and Conventional English to bring them all
and in the darkness bind them

That’s scawy! But what is Standardized and Conventional and Goode English anyway? I thought about this question for a very long time. Actually I didn’t but anyway, I decided that the answer is how the hell should I know? I’m an alleged Injun allegedly! I’m not even supposed to know English! If there was any good left in this world, this entire blog would be in Hindi, the language of all good Injuns living in the Indias!

So instead, I thought I would fondly recall some of the nonconventional nonstandardized, ebil and horrible Englishs and assorted words I used in my own onenumber Injun youths. I think the meanings of these words and phrases will probably vary from the original or how other people remember using them because my memory is bad and I like to embellish things also, which is also known as lying. I know I have forgotten a lot of them and for this, I am exquisitely sad. Here are the ones I remember.

ZailSingh

Origin- Once upon a time, when we had only one DD channel with such sad and sporadic transmission that one often watched UGC transmissions because not watching them seemed a waste of the television, Zail Singh passed away. Who is Zail Singh? Good question! Anyway, back in them days, when peeps like Zail Singh died, DD went into mourning for about 780 years. The upside was that we got almost constant television. The downside was that it was all mourning music that made you feel really sad, in a I Wish I Was Dead Too kind of way. Zail Singh’s death unfortunately coincided with school quarterly leave, the one thing we had all looked forward to for heppyheppyjoyjoy television viewing purposes. Those were the headyheady days of the Metro channel and Superhit Muqabla apart from the already very exciting Chitrahaar and Oliyum Oliyum and Sunday night movie. AR Rahman was making awesome music, PrabhuDeva was dancing, Salman Khan had hair, the snail was on the thorn, morning was at seven, everything was very exciting with the world. And then Zail Singh died.

What made all this even worse and what ultimately elevated ZailSingh into our slangs was the fact that nobody in my corner of existence knew who he was. The catchphrase of that holiday was (sloppily translated from Tamil) ‘Hey, who ya is this Zail Singh?’  This means we are all the ignorants. But the fact remains that during that entire holiday, all we got to watch was people wailsinging in all the regional languages as the screen dutifully held up a picture of Zail Singh holding a rose, which somehow just made everything worse.

Definitions

1. A ZailSingh is something that causes deep and long-lasting disappointment and sadness.

Ex- I thought there would be one week leave but then Tyooshunsaar put class in the morning and test in the evening and it all is somuch ZailSingh for me.

2. For a time, this word replaced the Tamil word ‘sothapals’ so it also came to mean that which is completely messed-up. ‘Sothapals’ is actually not a Tamil word. Maybe it kinda is, I don’t know. I’m sorry if it’s not and I said it is.

Ex-  Namma plan full ZailSingh-ah goinggoing.

This example has more English in it than Tamil but it’s considered Tamil. Actually, maybe it isn’t considered Tamil either. Oh whale.

Demise- This phrase disappeared when we forgot about ZailSingh which was rather quickly and I guess it isn’t a big deal anyway since we didn’t know who he was in the first place.


Soozerland

Origin- Corruption of the word ‘Switzerland’. Once upon a time, in the hills of Kotagiri, a certain someone who we will refer to as WaterBottle, sat outside in that sharp sunlight and marveled at the blue sky and the green trees and thought so THIS is why the British hung out here all the time and so on and so forth. Everyone who passed WaterBottle said ‘You keep sitting in the sun like that and your face will burn off’ and WaterBottle said, ‘But the sky is so blue! The trees are so green! It’s like a Soozerland!’ WaterBottle sat in that Soozerland sunlight for so long that WaterBottle’s face did indeed burn off and can I just say that the only thing more ridiculous than a sunburn on a white person is a sunburn on a brown person.

Definitions

1. That which is clearly not Switzerland is Soozerland.

Ex- See this Cooum river so much it is like a Soozerland, no?

2. The result of looking at something very beautiful that also causes great physical pain later on is Soozerland.

Ex- Your burnt face is so beauty looking like a Soozerland.

3. That which is wtf is Soozerland.

Ex. This blog post is like a Soozerland.

Demise- This phrase experiences periodic revivals because sometimes all you can say is 'oh it is like a Soozerland, no?'


Bouse

Origin- Once upon a time there was a girl who just sat there. Seriously. She just sat there and her face never bore any kind of expression at any time. And her claim to fame was that she very good-naturedly let people make fun of her Zen state of being. On a very hot and sour and tiring afternoon when nothing was happening, she was christened ‘Bouse’ and it was the best thing evar and it saved that entire day from being utterly useless. There was also this movie that had Revathi and Aravind Swamy which was flop only but it had this one song which was also flop but it went, ‘Azhagana veedu, something something something.’. Someone changed the words to ‘Azhagana veedu, athukulla Bouse’ and it was really funny. Maybe you had to be there.

Definitions- Because the word proved to be so popular, people attached many different meanings to it so they could use it as often as possible. Some examples (all sloppily translated from Tamil)

Why Bouse you are like a Bouse?

Bouse you are really doing so much Bouse antics, yes I am saying. (can I just say that Bouse antics is the improper translation of the word we used in Tamil, which was Bousethanam, which is awesome. Also, that’s probably not Tamil either.)

Bouse, how did you become such a Bouse like this?

Demise- I like to think this word never died.


You Ain’t Got No Pancake Mix Cries of the Martyred Proletariat

There were a lot of these and it breaks my heart that I can only recall two. These are in fact English phrases, where the meaning is of absolutely no consequence whatsoever and it’s really all about where you use them. Like, what I can say is, maybe you are using them like

  1. Two people are having an argument and you randomly walk up to them and shout it at both of them with somuch feelings
  2. While having a serious conversation with someone about something, you suddenly say it for no good reason, thus derailing the conversation completely
  3. When there is some kind of large gathering and there is a lot of anger or indignation going around mainly because people want to be angry and indignant, you stand up and say ‘MyFraands, what I can say is-‘ and then say one of these phrases and possibly get beaten or cheered as a charismatic leader of the masses.

All Are Paying Equal Fees

Once upon a time, in a hostel, two girls were fighting over a bathroom stall. I understand this is a very porno premise but in real life, it’s tedious, everyone wishes they were somewhere else and feels bad they live in a hostel in like a larger sense, like 'this is what my life has become. i live in a hostel with people i don't know and don't like and this will never change'. Anyhoo, during the course of this particular argument, one girl decided to take a very strong stand indeed and began yelling in English, because while yelling in Tamil is bad enough, yelling in English is for some reason much worse, even if whatever you yelled is weird. So anyway, said girl said ‘all are paying equal fees!’ and we all were like yeah we ARE paying equal fees! It’s a true! And for a split second, we thought how life was supposed to be like that or something. But that lasted only for split second and also, this probably did not help her win the bathroom war either.

Give The Respect And Take The Respect
Once upon a time, a girl (who we will call Haterade) took it upon herself to come up to a certain person (who we will call WaterBottle) at regular intervals for no apparent reason in a very sudden manner also. This of course is distressing enough. But Haterade would also hold up her gold Hero pen in a very menacing way and say (in English, because it’s just way worse that way) ‘give the respect and take the respect’. Why? Nobody knows. Also, haterz gonna hate, you know? Anyhoo, this phrase doesn’t sound so bad in an “English” milieu but in that milieu, it was like epic disrespect and shame like how ‘rascal’ and ‘I say you get out’ are like epic disrespect and shame. So I’m guessing WaterBottle did something really bad like maybe killing off Haterade's entire family or something. Maybe it happened in the Soozerland. Anyway, every time this happened, a conversation like the following would occur (again, sloppily translated from Tamil)

A- Hey, what ya?
WaterBottle- I don’t know, ya.
A-    What, I don’t know? You must have done something. Why else would she say that to you?
WaterBottle- Because she’s a crack.
A-    You called her a crack?
WaterBottle- Chee, why all that for me?
A-    Then?
WaterBottle- Then nothing! I didn’t say anything to her!
A- Then why she said like that to you?
WaterBottle – I don’t know! I didn’t do anything! She just does that and I don’t know why!
A- You must have done something.
WaterBottle- I DIDN’T DO ANYTHING!!
A- You must have done something. Else why should she say that to you?

These kinds of conversations, like DD mourning periods, often went on for about 780 years.

Yenuff, no? Yes.

okbai.

Saturday, December 18, 2010

Conversations- There Is Nothing At All and Whatever

18 comments
I have had immense enjaiments reading some of the transcripts of the Radia tapes because I think they are neat. I used to like reading plays because of the dialogue but these transcripts are better because they are shorter, and the language is, to quote SHINee, so fantastic, fantastic, fantastic, fantastic, elastic, elastic, elastic, elastic. So it’s like the Radia Tapes are the flash fiction of dialogue but not really. These transcripts often differ from the actual audio, which makes them even neater and I wonder if Azhagiri feels bad that everyone keeps calling him Ara Giri. Anyhoo, as a way of showing my appreciations for these transcripts, I tried to do one number thing. I have taken a transcript of a conversation Nira Radia had with that epitome of journalistic epitomes, Vir Sanghvi, which can be found in its originality here. I’ve left Nira Radia’s responses untouched. But I removed Vir Sanghvi from the conversation and replaced it with k from the k&s conversations sometimes seen on this blog because s was not available for the usual conversation and when your buddy s lets you down, the next best person to talk to is Nira Radia. The title of this post is a line that Radia actually says during this conversation, which I thought was just the neatest thing ever. 

Other kinds of neat things are also-

This parrot singing Bodies by Drowning Pool, which is both epic and also incredibly sad.

Hyper boli. What it is the hyper boli? It is like hyperbole but with much more air horn.




Something which isn’t neat at all was when I saw this ad issued by the Ministry of Agriculture and it said ‘Detect the adulteration yourself! Never compromise on your health!’ By the by, they are meaning adulteration of the foodstuffs. So I thought Ok! Tell me how I can detect adulteration myself! And I found that all I needed to detect food adulteration all by myself was some HCl, iodine solution, test tubes and carbon tetrachloride, which I guess are all things commonly and readily available in all real Indian households. So not only is this further proof that I am fraudIndian, I’m going to die of food adulteration also.

Would it be a bad idea to put the YOU MAD gif here for no good reason?

 
           stolen from here)

I didn’t think so. YOU SO MAAAAAAD!!!!



okbai.

*****

K: ohai!

Niira: Hi Vir. Where are you Delhi or…

K: Hai Vir!!! Is that what we’re calling each other now? It’s weird but whatever! Anyway, I just got back from the dentist! No one ever talks to me when I get back from the dentist because I’m high as a fucking…thing that is very highYou are the only person who will talk to me. Nee thaan yennaku true friend. You know what that means? It means- hey, you know what? My hand looks FABULOUS! Do you have any hands? I bet they don’t look as good as mine.

Niira: Okay. I just wanted to, I’ve been talking to my Tamil Nadu friends.

K: Do your Tamil Nadu friends have hands? I understand some people in Tamil Nadu have them and they are often used for purposes like carrying various items and also to wave at people. Maybe people in other countries and cultures do this too. Maybe this is what makes us all the same and things like that!

Niira: I just need to, I don’t know whether you are in the position to get through to anyone at Congress. I just met Kanni just now.

K: Am I in a position to get through to anyone at Congress. This is an excellent question. I am going to say yes I probably am but I am not aware of this because right now, all my awareness is focused on the awesomeness that is my hand.

Niira: And I’ve been, you know, we reunited since yesterday. The problem is…

K: The problem is that you ain’t got no pancake mix. Don’t worry, I ain’t gots none either because Indians aren’t supposed to eat pancakes anyway, we’re supposed to eat dosas. You got any dosa mix? And isn’t it shameful for allegedly Indian women to use dosa mix anyway? These all such important questions for the considerations.

Niira: No, I’ll tell you what – they are not understanding that they are actually communicating with the wrong guy. Not because I detached Maran but actually the father has not nominated Maran to negotiate. Now, you know, it’s like a banana republic where the cabinet…

K: How exactly did you detach Maran? Actually don’t answer that, I don’t want to know because it sounds gross. Also, the cabinet is actually a great place for banana storage purposes, especially if you are having rat problem. Maran is having rat problem?

Niira:
No. He is not, he is not. I know, no. But the Congress is under the impression. They have already apparently indicated to Maran that the Prime Minister will not give infrastructure berth to DMK, which, but he himself is desperately pushing for an infrastructure berth for himself.

K: You know, once we had rat problem and the cockyfucker went and died inside the house and it smelled like anything. I think the best solution is to get those blue biscuit things and make sure the rat eats them and you don’t eat them also. Latter is very important for good health and well-being of the common people also.

Niira: But the problem is that there is a leader which is Kanni’s brother which is Azhagiri, who’s won that election and he is a mass leader.

K: Really?  What I can say is that I don’t have anything to say on mass leaders. But what I can say is that when I was in school, we had assistant class leaders, which shortens into ass class leaders. This is kind of like mass leaders but not really. Also, it’s not nice also. You know what’s nice though? My hand. It’s really nice. It’s the nicest hand I have ever seen in my entire life.

Niira: Now what has apparently Maran has gone and indicated to Congress is that he will accept a MOS independent and you leave it with me, everything will be okay. 

K: In college, they had student assistant secretaries and they were known as ass secs, which is much worse than ass class. There would be announcements saying all girls please attend the ass secs meeting and then the girls would get in trouble for not going for ass secs meetings. Also no one really listened to these girls either so the population as a whole would get in trouble for not taking ass secs seriously. This is not to be confused with AISEC meetings, which sometimes people called I Suck meetings. All this ass and secks and sucking is very much against the Indian culture I feel.

Niira: Which blames Balu, Raja and Maran Cabinet posts independent to Azhagiri and MOS to Kanni. 

K: You can blame it on the boogie also. And the rain. Because remember, whatever you do, don’t put the blame on you.

Niira: Now, Azhagiri is a very, you know, he is, he is a mass leader. He controls half of Tamil Nadu for Karunanidhi’s point of view.

K: Who controls the other half? Can I control the other half? Because my hand looks FANTASTIC, how fantastic I can’t even say. You know who else has nice hands? Karu Uncle. If you look at some of his pictures, you’ll notice his hands are very nice or at least they look nice sometimes in some pictures. So I think this makes me a great candidate for controlling half of Tamil Nadu because I think my hand looks nicer than his.

Niira: He is far too, too senior for Maran. So, what he has told his father that if you make Maran a cabinet minister…

K: You mean a minister for the cabinet with the bananas?

Niira: …I’ll not come into the cabinet. And the father cannot afford to upset him because…

K: This is very understandable. Also, it seems to me that it’s not a good idea for anyone, your good self included, to get into a cabinet, especially if there are already bananas in there. I’m just saying.

Niira: …simply because of his position.

K: Exactly. I mean, we need to think, what will be his position? His position will be sitting on the bananas and that’s not good for the bananas and the cabinet might fall down also. Like, that’s just what I feel. My opinion only.

Niira: Right now the Congress doesn’t seem to be understanding this. 

K: That’s too bad. Obviously they are having very poor comprehension skills. Draw them a diagram, no? Show them cabinet this size, has to accommodate bananas, so on, so forth. My hand is starting to look weird now.

Niira: They need to, look, they need to talk directly to Karunanidhi, they need to talk to Kanni.

K: This makes a lot of sense because if you need to talk to someone directly, the best way to do this is to talk to someone else. Also, Kanni means fruit and banana is a fruit so she is the natural choice for intermediary fruit discussion purposes. Has she spoken to the bananas directly? Or at least the head banana?

Niira: No, she didn’t speak to him. Only Prime Minister spoke even that was Kanni was translating for him. It was very brief that, you know, let’s try and resolve this issue. There is nothing at all and whatever. They need to get Ghulam Nabi Azad to speak to Kanimozhi. 

K: I think everyone should just have a banana. But maybe the bananas might not like the idea because they don’t want people to eat them because they are bananas.

Niira: Seriously, that’s the only thing that will work and Kanni will take them to her father.

K: I don’t think that should be a problem, as long as she is not taking them to Karu Uncle for eating purposes. Does he eat bananas?

Niira: No. But they need to speak to Kanni and Kanni will take him to their, her father directly.

K: Take them in a fruit basket. I have one you can use. Actually it’s an old bucket but you can use it anyway. Is there any problem with the cabinet? Because I have another old bucket you can use if there is cabinet problem.

Niira: He has no problem with three cabinet berths at all. In fact it is the Congress that messed it up.

K: No problem no problem, this bucket can also be used in place of the Congress. It’s multipurpose bucket. It has no handle also.

Niira: Had they, had they not kept on insisting and kept on pushing Maran forward themselves have been pushing Maran forward. They would have left it to Raja and, and Balu even if they wanted or Raja and Azhagiri and Kanni would taken independent, nobody will, it is Congress they started this whole Maran dialogue. 

K: Well, I think we can agree on one thing. All of them are not going to fit in the cabinet. Especially if the bananas are already in there. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes.

Niira: No. No. No. No, they did, they’ve sent a list earlier with five portfolios and Maran’s name because father was pushed … so he had to send a list with everybody’s name on it. But he was hoping that Congress would come back and say okay we will accept Raja or we will not, or not Raja, we will give you only three portfolios right? But they have not able to, the communication that’s been happening in Congress with DMK has been complete warped. They are talking to the wrong guys.

K: I understand. It is also obvious that the bananas are the most powerful entities at the moment and the only ones who know what is going on. After all, they are occupying the cabinet, no?

Niira: The, the simplest way is Kanni [Indiscernible] [0:03:24]. 

K: Naturally, you need to exploit that fruit connection as much as you can. You can call it the Tutti Frutti Talks. Once I heard this dude call it Tyootee Frootee but he also said syoot instead of sweet. So maybe he was just foreign or had some disease.

Niira: And Kanni [Indiscernible] [0:03:27] will take them to her father directly.

K: Right. But make sure you’re prepared for any and all eventualities, ah? Because if he eats bananas, then what will you have? Banana peels. Cows like banana peels. Putting cows inside cabinets, very difficult. So difficult I cannot tell.

Niira: And they can have this, you know, whatever are the, the concerns, whatever they want to say, let them say in front of Kanni. 

K: You know what I think? I think right now that as bananas, their major concerns would be that they don’t get eaten by anyone.

Niira: Yeah, they should say, they should say we don’t want Maran.

K: They should say we don’t want Maran or anyone eating us because that’s mean and we would die.

Niira: But the moment you drop Maran, your problem gets resolved because Azhagiri has done okay. 

K: I’m sure the bananas don’t want Azhagiri to eat them either. That’s just my opinion though.

Niira: Yeah.

K: Listen, why don’t you do one thing. Change your last name to Radio. Then your name will be Nira Radio, like Near A Radio and that would be neat. Why don’t you just try it out now, just chumma?

Niira: Okay. Give him this message. She is right now…

K: …Near A Radio. See? Do you see what I’m saying? It would be so useful for your name to also pinpoint your location also. Like a GPS name. So like if someone says who is that lady and where is she, I can say Near A Radio and that’s neat for all people involved. I think maybe you’d have to make sure you were near a radio at all times but whatever. Why don’t you try again?

Niira: [Indiscernible] [0:03:51] She is in her South Avenue residence.

K: Ah, see? That sounds boring. So instead, you can say She is Near A Radio instead, because that’s interesting even if it’s not necessarily true. Try again.

Niira: I just met her.

K: I just met Near A Radio. See? Isn’t that neat? Again, go again.

Niira: And some Tamil Nadu Congress guys also want just now to meet her.

K: Some Tamil Nadu Congress guys also want just now to meet Near A Radio. I think you’re getting the hang of this. Keep practicing and you can get PhD in this or something also.

Niira: I don’t think it needs to be done at that level. It needs to be done at, at Ghulam Nabi Azad level or…

K: Ok, PhD don’t want, you try for first rank in Ghulam Nabi Azad levels or whatever ranking systems they are having. Study hard and drink Complan. And don’t forget to change your last name to Radio.

Niira: Yeah.

K: I’m going to hang up now because I think my hand has fallen off or something because I can’t see it anymore. 

Saturday, December 11, 2010

ich bin ein auslander

18 comments
This blog title is taken from this song. It seemed appropriate because it's apparently in German and German is exciting and we live in very exciting times. ExcitingExciting things have happened. The hero of teh internetz Julian Assange was charged with sexual assault and while many people who hate both wikileaks and women found it very difficult to decide which side to take, the majority seemed to agree that this was just another example of how women ruin everything. Which sort of proves what I said once before- women ruin everything because they have uteruses and uteruses ruin everything. So it’s really the uteruses that are killing wikileaks and freedom and everything. Stupid uteruses. Anyhoo, child abuse was completely eradicated everywhere forever because some people on Facebook put cartoons in their profile pics. I originally thought all these people were doing this in support of child abuse. But apparently people don’t do that kind of thing on Facebook.

On a much sadder note, RIP Cami Park, a writer whose work I admired veryveryvery much. You can read some of her work here.

I understand that it is customary for people who consider themselves writers and who are having blogs to talk about inspiring writing quotes that have inspired them to be inspired about inspiring writing and be inspiring also. I thought I should do this. But I could only think of the writing advice I have received over the years that I felt was complete crapnonsense that made me want to take vomit. So I thought I would write about that instead because as one person very kindly pointed out to me, I am only capable of writing about vomit and nothing else.

I wanted to say some other things also. All the advices I am putting forth here are advices that enamored, ensnared, enslaved and then embittered me. So it is not like I am casually hating. It’s like I am having intense love failure with these advices. So this brings me to the second thing I want to say. These verysame advices have worked wonders and miracles for others and that is fabulous and I am so happy for that also. I hope it’s ok that they were crapnonsense for me. If it’s not ok I don’t care also. So this brings me to one another thing I want to say. I feel that at some level, writing is something that is very personal, you need to do what is best for you and that might not be what everyone else says is the best and also people will get all judgy and in your face about how you’re doing it rong. I wish these people all the blessings raining down from a God. I actually read that somewhere ‘All the blessings raining down from a God’. I don’t know what it means but it seems appropriate to use here.

CrapNonsense #1

‘Writing Is.’

Some of the crapnonsense writing advice I have read is so vague and minimalist that it ceases to be advice altogether and becomes art. Like all good art, it also makes you think you have the superpowers necessary to give advice for things without knowing anything about these things. You find yourself telling people that Astrophysics Is. Synthetic Poly-cotton Is. Tuvan Throat Singing Is. Open-heart Surgery Is. A Chair Is. I mean, it's easy to say so why not say it and spread that good advice all around, no? Anyhoo, it’s bad enough if someone says ‘writing is’ to you for no reason and I am surprised at how many people will actually do this and think you will care. But I think it would probably suck even more if you invest time or money or both just so someone could tell you that ‘writing is.’


CrapNonsense #2

‘You’ll never make it as a writer if you don’t write every single day’.

Sometimes this is written as

‘You’ll never make it as a writer if you write every single day’

I slavishly and desperately followed both of these and then came to the understanding that they are actually the same thing. I tried writing everyday and it was a crapnonsense and I thought I was writer phail. Then I tried not writing everyday and that also was crapnonsense and again I thought I was writer phail. Today, I can look back on my writing routine and say with a tremendous amount of conviction that I write when I can and when I can’t write, I don’t write and it’s no big deal. And when I don’t write, my heart doesn’t fall out of my body and I don’t writhe in creative agony with my eyeballs dissolving into waterfalls of sadness because I can’t write. This absolutely and totally means I am writer phail because real writers get very emo about not being able to write and you never, NEVER say it’s not a big deal. NEVER!!!


CrapNonsense #3

‘Do not read work outside your specified genre as that will pollute the originality of your voice’

Sometimes this is written as

‘Literary fiction writers should only read literary fiction’

In any other area of life, I think this kind of mindset would be called bigotry but here, it’s writing advice. No doubt, there is a good reason behind this which I can’t understand, just like there are good reasons behind the rule that you should only marry people of your own caste and keep all that wholesome in-breeding in the family. I’m not saying that’s bad or anything. I know people have had happy and awesome lives by only associating with people of their own caste and I know people have had successful writing careers by only reading certain kinds of writing. I feel if you want to follow reading bigotry, that is great for you and I hope you win at life. I do have a problem with advocating this kind of reading bigotry to others, coupled with threats that your voice will get corrupted and polluted if you read a comic book. Like many things in life, I don't think reading bigotry works well for everyone. I also don’t understand why you would limit yourself in reading, particularly when one is a writer or likes to say they are. I’m sure that my own wide and varied reading is the reason why I am only capable of writing about vomit and nothing else. 


CrapNonsense #4

‘Writing needs to make you bleed and cry and break off your head and put it back on again and it needs to feel like you are puking razor blades. You also need to be raped by your own words because word rape is so important.”

This kind of writing advice is often very attractive, especially if the word ‘rape’ is thrown in there for effect. In my old age, I have come to believe that this is one of those things that if you look at it one way, it’s like wow. But if you look at it another way, it’s like LOLOLOLO like



I think the older and more cynical you get, the more you start to lean towards the LOLOLOLO perspective, especially when rape references are thrown in like chocolate sprinkles. This kind of writing advice really reminds me of this one time, when I was witness to a scene where two very stoned young gentlemans sat and watched a group of people who couldn’t really play guitar put scene by trying to play guitar. I think maybe you can understand how that must have sounded. So anyway, these stoned gentlemans got progressively more stoned until they started to find it very difficult to sit in their plastic chairs. It got to a point where people were simply playing open strings and the stoned gentlemen were moved to tears, loudly proclaiming that it was the best fucking guitar playing they had ever witnessed and the world was fucked up because this great fucking guitar playing was not signed under a massive recording contract because of the fucking Man, yo.

When I think of how I was in shock and awe about overly dramatic writing advice which seemed to focus more on massive internal bleeding, decapitation and sexual violence, I feel like I was one of the stoned gentlemans who couldn’t sit in their plastic chairs. I think of how wantingly people played all the open strings at once just so we could watch the stoned dudes become so overwhelmed with the awesomeness that they fell off their chairs and possibly broke their faces. I don’t think they broke their faces. Well, maybe they did a little. I don’t think they felt anything anyway because they were stoned and it’s ok to watch stoned people hurt themselves because they are stoned so it doesn’t matter. I am now wondering if they made it home at all. Oh whale.


CrapNonsense #5

‘Good writing is universal’

I need to make two things clear here. One, my problem isn’t with the ‘good writing’ or even with the word ‘is’. It’s with the word ‘universal’ because when it comes to the English writing universe, ‘universal’ tends to mean ‘stuff written by white dudes’. Two, I love the English writing universe in the way you love and feel you belong to a universe that doesn’t think you belong to it but you love it anyway. Of course we must never say things like that because art knows no color or something so if all the universally good writing in English just happens to be by white dudes, it’s probably because all the other folk just can’t write as good and shame on you for noticing the color or gender etc, etc of the person who did the writing anyway, you bigot.

I don’t know any other writing universes but I honestly feel that the universe of English writing has lots of nice things going for it. But this is also a universe that has a term called ‘The Other’ which lumps all sorts of things together like people of color and the differently-challenged because they are all freaks so that makes them all the same- I guess this makes it easier to write fiction about them or something, I don’t know. It’s all a bit of a bummer but people get bummed when you tell them it’s a bummer and there’s nothing more bumming than angry colored people who keep whining. This is a universe that believes you are writing in a language that really belongs to them, and you are simply borrowing it from them. This is a universe where your fiction needs to function like a guidebook when you’ve decided to be ‘difficult’ or ‘inaccessible’ by writing about a place that doesn’t have a Taco Bell. This is a universe that firmly believes you can write anything you want about anything and nobody should be a meanie and say anything about it, thus explaining the phenomenon of the dusty Indian villager morphing into a Supernatural Oracle of High Prophecy as well as a baby-eating alien at the same time and we are to believe this is ‘realism’. This is a universe that loves to say that it 'actively seeks out diverse and international writing' because I think you get in big trouble if you don't say that. Sometimes it proves its internationality by telling you it has read Indian authors like Jhumpa Lahiri even though Jhumpa Lahiri is American which is not Indian. Really, it's not. I also find this is a universe that really likes it when Indians write about the immigrant experience, slum dwellers and and bigfatIndianArranged weddings but it has absolutely no idea what to do with you when you write about other stuff.

I love this universe very much. It’s the only universe I know. But it is also fucked up. So with all due respect, I don’t think you can say ‘good writing is universal’ until you fix your definition of universal.

I thought maybe I should also write about writing advices that I am appreciating but I think I’ll do that later because this blog post is starting to bore me.

okbai.

Saturday, December 4, 2010

oh little flower. see your lover. see your chittu kannil pattu pattu sikki konda lover.

6 comments
ohai :) This blog post title is taken from this song. I think it’s pretty self-explanatory so that’s all I have to say about that.

I would like to say mostheartfelt thank you to the hyperawesome people at the hyperawesome Versal for nominating my short story ‘Jugni’ for the Pushcart.  ZOMG PONI3S!!1! Bais, do that Pushkee thang. 


I really love these guys.

Next, I want to send mostwarmest wishes to Mr. Warren Anderson on the occasion of the anniversary of that thing that happened in Bhopal that one time. A lot of people deserve to be greeted heartily on this occasion but Mr. Anderson, I think you are special, especially when it comes to that thing that happened in Bhopal that one time (I won’t mention it by name because I know it upsets you and my heart would break into a million little Warren Anderson shaped pieces if I ever upset you). 

Anyhoo, my favorite part of the Radia tapes has to be this exchange, stolen from here.

Nira: Hi!

Raja: Hello?

Nira: Hi!

Raja: Tell me.

Nira: Mr Raja?

Raja: Yes?

Nira: Nira

Raja: Tell me, Nira, anything?

Isn’t that neat? This makes the entire Radia expose totes worthwhile. Also, I want to thank Karu Uncle for the Ration Television he gave all us peepal in my corner of the country. This means that everyone here now has two televisions and some of the poorer sections of society have three televisions and many of the private buses have four televisions and certain STDXeroxCoolDrinks booths made out of cardboard boxes have five televisions. Did I mention it has a remote control and four of the buttons glow in the dark? We global, mothafuckaz.

King Hammer, formerly known as MC Hammer was formerly known for this.
 

Then he released a new song in which he says Jay-Z sold his soul to the devil and then I think he baptizes him in the end although it also looks like he drowned him also. The video seems to have been made by the Doordarshan Podhigai channel and all I can say is how the mighty have fallen and by mighty, I mean the Doordarshan Podhigai channel. 

Irom Sharmila has now been fasting for ten years in protest of the killing of innocent civilians by security forces in Manipur. Raise your hand if you have no idea who this woman is! Raise your one another hand if you think Manipur is ‘somewhere over there, next to Calcutta’! Raise both your legs if you don’t really care also. Anyway, there is no mention of Arundhati Roy here so clearly it is not worth tweeting furiously about using all caps and exclamation marks like you know what you’re saying.

An alarming number of people I don’t know sent me ‘forward greetings’ for Deepavali (that's Diwali in South Indian). These were all filled with sound and fury and signified absolutely nothing. Eye-molesting fonts and the wholly idiotic overuse of overused words like ‘light’ and ‘peace’ in Deepavali forwards reminds of those fecking eejits who insist you join the Facebook group To Save Bi Polar Dolphins From Radiation Emitted By Paper Doilies because “it’s better than doing nothing”. 


                                                      (stolen from here)

I would like to say that in the case of Deepavali forwards and this form of internetz chairitee, the ‘nothing’ is seriously the much better option. Also, let’s just break down these two gawdawful entities shall we?

  1. Both are incredibly easy to do which is the ONLY reason why so many people do them. Because it mostly just involves clicking, you can Deepavaligreet that person in Australia you once sat next to that one time and you can do this without the bother of actually seeing their face or talking to them but you get to say you Deepavaligreeted them which makes you awesome. Clicking also lets you do amazing works of charity, like saving gay field mice from homophobic cats. This is how people get deluded into thinking they have awesome internetz superpowers because as long as “saving” involves just a click, we are all internetz heroes. 
  2. Deepavali forwards and internetz chairiteez is EXACTLY like saving the whales through modeling in that there are far, far, FAR better things you can do but those things are hard to do and modeling makes you look good and that’s basically why you’re doing this and it has nothing to do with the whales because the whales can go fuck themselves for all you care.
  3. Both these acts are like knee-jerk Indian hyperpatriotism, complete with the allcaps, ignorance and exclamation marks. This means if you’re not doing it, then you should be should be charged with sedition and you are Pakistani also.

The Privilege Denying Dude was one of the best memes ever but then it got shut down for copyright issues or something, which just goes to show that you really and truly cannot say stuff about privileged peeps, especially dudes and especially white dudes. And then you know what happened? This wonderful, brave and awesome and brave and wonderful man called Edman offered his own visage in order to let Privilege Denying Dude live once more. See? 

                                                                        (stolen from here)

Isn’t that the best thing ever? If you think this is totes racist against dudes, especially white ones, you can read this although it’s probably much easier to just say it’s racist against white dudes because it saves you the time of reading that article I linked to.

The Local Consortium Of Bigots were completely enamored of Obama when he came to visit and they were forced to concede that he was actually quite handsome, charming and spoke English very well even though he was a Negroids.

I have this pair of sweatpants which I bought off the pavement and they are falling to pieces and in this state of falling-to-piecesness, I noticed that the elastic in the waistband was not elastic at all. It was a dirty tensor bandage. Somebody’s dirty tensor bandage was keeping my pants up. I guess this is why clever people buy clothing from stores that are in buildings and have doors and stuff like that.

And now, because many Indian peepals insist I am actually Canadian (which is superoffensive to Canada), I speak of Lake Shore, Canada’s version of Jersey Shore. This show is very ethnic because everyone is part of some ethnic group and not Canadian at all and that’s just very ethnic. Hopefully all that ethnicness will culminate in ethnic violence at some point. Here is what I found most notable.

1. There is a girl who is described as a pole. This could mean she is Polish but I like to think she is actually a pole.

2. There is a dude who says he is Albanian. I foresee this fellow bringing great shame to the country of Albania. AlsoAlso, he is there to be homophobic to someone called Salem, pronounced like Salem TamilNadu, who is Lebanese. Salem often stands in front of racks of clothes because the Lake Shore people want us to infer that he is a flaming homosexual. 

3. There is some dude who is a construction worker by day and a mad party animal by night. He’s a MAD party animal, I tell you. MAD! How mad? Why, if you saw him, you’d say,


 (stolen from jezebel.com but can't remember exactly where, sue me)

This is exactly what construction workers in India are like also. Also that GIF is always a good idea. 

4. There is a girl who is mainly there because she has big bewbies but also because she is Jewish and she is there to fight with another Turkish girl who said she hates everyone especially Jewish people. In this way, Lake Shore tackles the issue of Islam versus Judaism only it’s in Canada and it involves bewbies.

5. There is a dude who says that he came to Canada from Czechoslovakia when he was three and he’s been taking over ever since. I think his last name is Hollywood. This is embarrassing for Canada, Czechoslovakia, Hollywood and three year olds.

For some reason, there are no crazybadass TamilCanadians. I’m guessing they couldn’t find even one. In TORONTO.

In more positive Canadian news however, we present the ZOMG What A Novel Idea Award to a new Canadian anti-rape campaign that actually targets dudes instead of leddies! This is the first time I’ve seen a campaign like this and I’m like, ZOMG What A Novel Idea! Because instead of blaming leddies for being so rape-able, this campaign encourages dudes not to be that rapey guy that rapes people. But wait! I know that perhaps some people are saying, ‘if a girl is wearing *insert absolutely anything here*, it’s asking for rape, right?’ Wrong! Clothing can’t talk! If clothing is telling you to rape people, it means you need to get professional help before someone’s shoes tell you to disembowel yourself with knitting needles.

This will tell you all about a totes haut new thing called AIDS Orphan Tourism. This where rich people go to African countries and act as caregivers for orphans with AIDS, because then they can go home really soon and tell people that they were a caregiver for an orphan with AIDS in some African country. That’s like the hautest thing ever. However, and I quote, “However, shortly after these ‘connections' have been made, tourists leave - many undoubtedly feeling that they have made a positive contribution to the plight of very vulnerable children. And, in turn, feeling very special as a result of receiving a needy child's affection. Unfortunately, many of the children they leave behind have experienced another abandonment to the detriment of their short- and long-term emotional and social development. Voluntourism is potentially exploitative of children suffering adversity as a result of poverty and HIV/AIDS. Child advocates should protest these practices and welfare authorities should ensure they are stopped.”

I think we can all agree that orphans with AIDS have enough issues to deal with without having to also deal with multiple abandonment issues from wealthy temp caregivers from other countries who are hoping to do something exotic and charitable for their summer holidays. And so I nobly offer this alternative. Voluntourists, come take care of me. I live in third world country, hence the third world name of this third world blog. I don’t have any major diseases but almost all my acquaintances have had diseases like typhoid, malaria, dengue fever, jaundice, chikungunya, cholera and one person even has TB! So you can come down here and wash my clothes and cook for me and buy me stuff  (you can’t touch me though) and I won’t talk in English at all, we can communicate using sign language to make your experience more authentic. Then you can give me lots of money and you can go back home and tell everyone you were a caregiver for a third world ghetto vampire in India. That’s way haut, trust me because it’s like poverty porn and Twilight mixed together. Massive street cred.

And now, teh musics.


Kanavu Kaanum from the movie Neengal Ketavai. This is not heppy song. 

Dark Side Dub by Zeds Dead- This somehow manages to be awesome and evil at the same time, thus making it very suitable for dancing. 

Never Forget You by Noisettes- This song is dedicated to everyone I’ve forgotten. 

Ode to L.A. by The Raveonettes featuring Ronnie Spector- This song is dedicated to everyone who doesn't live in L.A.

I liked this playlist very much. I thought it was very fine.    

And to end on a high note, the All Blacks' Kapa o Pango Haka. Hautest thing ever. Seriously.

okbai.
 

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