Sunday, December 18, 2011

tawa is a hot iron girdle used by women in Indian culture


This blog post title is a good example of how I learn something new and amazing about Indian culture every day. I thought a tawa was used for the cooking purposes. Little did I know that this contraption is actually for holding all that Indian culture together. Did you know this? I did not know this. I think so this is what makes Indian women so great so hats off to you gals and congrats on your hot iron girdles, thank you for your efforts in supporting Indian culture. 

I now want to talk about one of my favorite pastimes. This is something I used to do a lot. I don’t do it as much anymore, not because I ‘learned my lesson’ but because I don’t go out as much. If I did, I’m sure I’d still be doing this. So anyway, sometimes when trying to be all badass and ‘one with the people’, one goes to rough and tumble places like tea kadais or hotels, where we eat on banana leaves! This is often done so you can tell people later about how you are so badass you sometimes eat off banana leaves. If one is very lucky, one will spot a small child, cleaning or washing up in the local eating vicinity. After being satiated and satisfied by a ‘common man’s meal’ which one can write about later that might (fingers crossed!) be picked up by a foreign publication, one calls one of these small children over. Small child is busy working but will come if you call them because that’s what they do. You ask them their name, ask them why they aren’t in school, and then (my favorite part!!111) you launch into a very big lecture about how education is important and small person should go to school, study hard to get first rank, learn computers and English and achieve great things. I would often say things like ‘when I come here next time, I don’t want to see you here. You better be in school!’ I was totally not coming back but small person doesn’t need to know that. It’s important to give children something to hope for and telling poor kids that I’m coming back gives them hope. 

If some adult was locally available, I liked to pull them up too, pointing out the many schemes and special measures available to help children ‘like that’. There’s reservation for poor folk! Free textbooks! Free laptops! It’s so EASY to get educated and be more better! But you have to work hard! You have to work hard to get this easy education! You have to work hard at working hard and work hard because you have to work hard. I am not poor (thangod!) but I can speak English so I feel totally qualified to tell you what you should be doing with yourself. Clearly you don’t know all this so imma sit back and tell you all about it while I wait for some transportation to take me back to civilization. 

This was my favorite pastime for many reasons- it made me feel smart and good about myself. It made me feel like I ‘made a difference’, that there will be one less uneducated child in the world because of me- I didn’t even have to do anything, I just had to talk like I knew what I was talking about! I liked to believe that my advice also helped to fight poverty in some way because if poor people were more smart, they’d know that poverty is a bad thing, right? And they wouldn’t do it, right?  Later on, when I needed to argue with people about Indian topics, these kinds of incidents made me feel like I am qualified to talk about things. 

The idea of poor folk winning at life and teaching these poor folk how to win at life is a wonderful topic for cinema- some of my favorite Tamil movies are about this. I can’t tell you how heartwarming and empowering it is to see movies where poor child woke up early, cooked food for sick mother, studied by candlelight while rocking baby sister in arms, then went out to work three jobs, ate one meal a day, and did all sorts of mad studying in between that equipped him with the skills necessary to fight corruption and smack the brown off English-speaking chicks in jeans. Did I mention that by earning two paisa a day, he was able to become a millionaire when he was big because he didn’t waste his money on bad poorpeople things like alcohol and beedis? And he beat poverty! In two hours! I mean if he can do it in two hours, what’s with all the poor people in real life? Why are they going to movies and buying cell phones when they should… be doing whatever it is poor people are supposed to do to make them not poor?

This pastime of mine was a good thing to do for fun, especially when the small child in question was photogenic. And it certainly makes great fiction, esp. when you write about third world countries where people are third world and stuff but then they work hard and become first world winners. I’m just not sure if one should write how-not-to-be-poor internet articles about it though. Gene Marks has received a lot of slack for this article and I feel like none of this fallout would have happened if this had simbly been timepass kept outside the internet or if it was a fiction piece or best of all, a Tamil movie. A Tamil movie is always a good option because you can include song and dance numbers, fight sequence and we always appreciate it when people use technical computer words like Google. 

Now let us talk about RuPaul. I was informed that I shouldn’t blog about RuPaul’s Drag Race anymore because men aren’t supposed to dress like women because they are supposed to dress like men because they are men. Also my blog posts which are incomprehensible on a good day somehow disintegrate entirely when I talk about RuPaul. And anyway, Logo still isn’t letting nonAmericans watch the show online but they let us see the Meet the Queens clip for the new season? So that we can all feel bad in our nonAmerican countries? So I will just say #TEAMSHARONNEEDLES!!!11 Season 4 is going to be CANCELLED!!1

Now I want to talk about Kalasala song from Osthi. I like this song because LR Easwari sounds nice autotuned and the chorus is great slow-motion walking music. Although there also seems to be a dog panting in the middle and it is little unnerving to hear T Rajendar screaming Ikada Ra Ra into your ear. According to this clip, LR Easwari is the Asha Bhonsle of the South. Is LR Easwari some indecipherable thing that can only be understood in terms of Asha Bhonsle? Or does this mean that Asha Bhonsle is the LR Easwari of the North? I cannot able to understand this. Similarly, I cannot able to understand when people say that Bengaluru is the Silicon Valley/ Boston/Manchester/ Greater Matcham Scratchings in Lower Market Snodpicket of India. Or that Chennai is ‘the Texas of South India’. What does that even mean? It means ‘ohai! I mentioned Texas so that I can tell all you coll people that I have been to Texas, which is the Chennai of the United States.’

Anyway, the Kalasala clip also says that T. Rajendar is the RD Burman of the South. The accepted practice is that whenever someone mentions T. Rajendar on the internet, you have to immediately link to a ‘t rajendar speaking english’ video and go lol at t rajendar speaking English lol. Instead of doing that, I would like to share this interview clip which actually features Simbu and some other dudes but it also has T Rajendar so it’s basically just all about T Rajendar talkingdancingsingingmakingastrologicalpredictionmakingpoetryplayingdrumbeatboxingtakingoffwatch and everyone else gets reduced to pieces of furniture that sometimes talk. I’m not sure of this proves that he is the RD Burman of the South but anyway. I remember once I heard T Rajendar speaking during election tyme and he said ‘Vaiko, nee oru psycho’ and I went lol but also felt bad for Vaiko but not very much so. #kalasala #thankyoupiratedvisumoviesforevaforsendingthisclip

I would now like to say bai with this Golden Tweet from Shahid Kapoor.
‘Too bloody random ... So seize every moment n juice it ... Cause it'll never come back ... Work hard always did .. Party harder ! Loca style’

bindaaz4lyffe muthafuckaz

Sunday, December 4, 2011

i am very much not aware and least bothered also


Haifraans. I unfortunately have come back in the return. With myself, I bring this wholly incoherent and incomprehensible blog post consisting of things I have seen/heard/read/thought about in the last couple of months. The post is too long also and I am so sorry. Okso these are some interesting lines that I thought were interesting.

  • I am very much not aware and least bothered also
I feel this is a great thing to say in general. It is also very helpful in so many situations in our daily life. For instance, acquaintance gives you her demonchild to hold even though you have made it quite clear that you will drop demonchild if she gives it to you. She gives it to you anyway because you are an unmarried woman and you need to learn how to carry other people’s babies. As was foretold by you, you drop said demonchild and acquaintance is all #rage and ‘you dropped my child!’ and you’re like ‘I am very much not aware and least bothered also’ ok that’s a bad example and you totally shouldn't drop other people's demonchildren because it's so mean.

  • Paper carrot cannot be used in the preparation of broth.
this is from a half-page color adtypething that appeared on the front page of The New Indian Express. I think it was for the promotion of Indianness which is a very promotable thing
  • From the year 2000 onwards Americans have continuously received Nobel Prizes for Economics, but American Economy is doing both rock ‘n’ roll and kathakali dances. 
from selfsame aforementioned adtypething

  • Ha!oh…
from Antha Asingamana Padam aka The Dirty Picture song Ooh la la, thank you for bringing back this oldskool itemgirl sound and thank you also for proving that an item girl can still be lucrative even when she is dead. That is the best kind of item girl evar.

Then I wrote a story and it got published yougaiz!!11 This hasn’t happened very much lately so I am excited. The story is called Discuss How India Will Become A Prosperous And Secure Nation In The Next Five Years, which is very much in keeping with the Indian culture. So thank you to Indian culture and to Ani Smith for helping this story to exist and giving it a place to sit. 

Then I went to Karnataka! I trekked barefoot among the mofussil areas, ate with tribal people in forestmountains, imbibed strong alcoholic and narcotic products usually consumed by “poor people” thus proving im badass in a native sort of way, got typhoidmalariacholera and cured myself through sheer willpower, wrote a novel longhand on deadleaves and watched sunrises from isolated jungle areatypethings and now I’m going to tell you ALL about it. Actually I just went to Bengaluru and ate a lot of fast food and wore socks. I remember seeing three things of interest there.

  • A license plate that said ‘Hai Lord Venki!’ .idk, it seemed interesting then. not so much now
  • An ad that was superexcited about a female deejay who was female and had female deejaying powers which are female which means they have boobies like in the picture of the female deejay with boobies. This ad made me feel so bad for the mandeejays who don’t get this kind of publicity because so many of them are flat-chested and they lack the ability to spin dubstep with their uteruses.#papercarrotcannotbeusedinthepreparationofbroth #sexismismeanyougaiz
  • Then I saw this billboard of Rob Schneider’s face in the blore latenight sky and thought to myself ‘o mai cheezuz  adam sandler’s massive face is hanging like an American sun in the night of the india sky! Surely this is a sign that we will rise and become great world power through the power of Walmart!'# americaneconomyisdoingbothrock ‘n’ rollandkathakalidances

And now, just as it was every Indian’s duty to join AnnaHazareMovement, I must now talk about the Kolaveri song. I like this song for the following reasons.
  • It is nice to see a Tamil video clip go viral without it involving Baby Simbu and someone on Buzzfeed calling it ‘crazy I don’t even know what the fuck is going on here Bollywood song’, which would inevitably lead to a comment that Indians shouldn’t be making movies because we so po’# papercarrotcannotbeusedinthepreparationofbroth, #Ha!oh…
  • I am very appreciative of songs that don’t have boyfellows in jeanspant talking about how girlfellows in jeanspant are ruining Tamil culture because they are wearing jeanspant, said the boyfellow in the jeanspant. This often leads to speculation that girlfellow needs onetightslap because that’s the most effective way to save Tamil culture. #betteryoucanavoidit, #soupboyswhodontwanttoslapyourfaceareawesome
  • It made Kamaal R Khan say this on Twitter.
Take one box of tin and put some coins in and shake it so you will hear malayalam language and for me kolaweri song is same. #Ha!oh... #maintainplease #notestakinginthehandsnackstaking #pahpahpahpah
  • Songs in strange phoren languages are often translated but this song gave an opportunity for the erudite and the in-the-know to “decode” it. Why it needs decoding? Because it is not written in phoren language. It is written in magical unicorn alien language called “Mangled Tamil/ Broken English.” This is a very unique language spoken by magical Tamil people and broken English people, Superstar, and the engsteryouth who are doing both kathakali and rock n roll dances. Did I mention that the language is weird? Because wow it’s just lykke so weird yougaiz. How weird? So weird that peeps kept talking about how their Injun peeps in America and the UK thought it was so weird. This is golden rule- when something weird happens in India, don’t talk to the Indians living in India about it. Talk to people who don’t live here or who used to know people who lived here in 1974, as they will be most knowledgeable and have the grassroots and current information regarding this and all items and itemnumbers generally. Also mangled or broken is always a good way to describe something that’s different.#onlyenglish #pahpahpahpah #holycowdyingnow
  • I like how the white skin- black heart line implied that Tamil people were racist against white women. Or was it women in general. Or was it women having heart defects. Idk, anyway, this led me to fondly recollect some of my favorite stereotypes about South Indian Woman as a whole because apparently South Indian mainly means Tamil, little bit Malayalam, kindabutnotreally Telugu and a lolzurnotreallySouthIndianbutwhatevs amount of Kannadiga. Some of these stereotypes are culled from the internet, others from real life, all of them are true because people say so. Also, one should never blog about stereotypes because they are racist. #wadachangeovermama #nowtunechange

South Indian Women Are all Fucking DogHippos with no Dress Sense

This one is little confusing because I’m not sure if it means every single one of us is similar to the mythical doghippopotamus with regard to facial features, body mass and structure or if every single South Indian woman is allegedly in constant states of fornication with doghippopotami. Considering that many folks on the internet like to see ‘south indian bending aunty fucking’ and ‘south indian aunty fucking and feeling pain’, perhaps the fucking doghippo is just another facet of this surprisingly rich oeuvre. Also there seems to be some implication that our South Indianness robs us of the sense to dress, which is why we all lack the skills necessary to cover our boobies and crotchimus areas when we go out in the publics. You were wondering about that, no? Well this is whybecause. Overall very much against the Indian culture, especially the fucking hippos part. #ha!oh…

South Indian Women are all Beautiful, Smart, Witty, Funny, Clever, Intelligent, Sexy, Cool, Great, Wonderful, Talented, Beautiful, Smart, Witty, Funny, Clever

Ok so someone says that South Indian women are fucking doghippos and not having any dress sense and someone else valiantly defends us all by saying ALL SOUTH INDIAN ARE BEAUTIFUL SMART TALENTED SEXY etc etc. Aw. Here you are, thinking you’re smart because you read a lot and stuff like that but it’s really because you’re South Indian! This exercise is called killing the face of people who say bad things about South Indians by nice things about South Indians, which is very #winning because it involves defending the South Indian women who were not in a position to defend themselves, possibly because they were too busy fucking doghippos. It has been my experience that these righteous flowers of praise are often followed by lines like ‘I love South Indian food’, which always makes me nervous because I wonder if this means that I have to cook for them as a way of saying thank you for defending my South Indian Womanhood. Once someone said ‘one of my friends used to be South Indian’. And that also scared me because I was like, what do you mean ‘used to be’, what happened to them , did you eat them? No shade though, I totes do the same thing- I mean whenever I see a white person, which isn’t that often, I like to tell them how much I like English music and that I read English books and can even speak English sometimes and will you adopt me as your thirdworld Indian child please? Also I feel like this stereotype is scary like that one angle who will talk about how he loves all South Indian women. ALL of them. Without exception. And you immediately make mentalnote to stay very far away from him all the time forever. #omaikarpu

All South Indian Women Are Dark Which Is Perfectly Ok Because I like Dark Women! Actually I Prefer Them!

Thangod!1111 We would have been in big trouble if you didn’t like and prefer our deskyseksual South Indian darkness! We as a people were going to commit collective suicide and now you have given us a reason to live. Now, what happens when you come across a South Indian woman and she is not ‘dark’? Does it mean she isn’t South Indian? Yes that’s exactly what it means. ALL South Indian women are dark. Every last one of them. But someone has said that’s perfectly ok for us to be like that so we should try and be ok with that too.

Please don’t leave me comments saying all this means I hate Naan South Indians or that you’d like to add your own stereotypes to this list because frankly this blog can only take so much truth in one posting. 

kbai u coll peepal bindaaz4lyffe

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

i am taking leave yougaiz

back in december, please convey my pranams to all at home, just enjoy life and be rocking

Monday, September 12, 2011

From cow-worship to satellite communications ranges the progress made by Indians.

Hay yougaiz! Remember once upon a time like about a week ago everyone kept talking about something called AnnaHazareIssue? Remember that? Since we’re not talking about that anymore, does it mean we won? Please answer me yes or no. Anywaiz, this blog post title is stolen from The Illustrated Weekly of India Annual 1973- The New Landscape of India. It is from the essay on Gujarat and these illustrious words can be found nestled beneath a black and white picture of a very large satellite dish and in front of said satellite dish there are cows tooling about and doing cowish things that cows are wont to do. So in that way, the line makes sense.

I recently read The Illustrated Weekly of India Annual 1973- The New Landscape of India although maybe ‘read’ is too strong a word. I glanced through it but not really also. Sometimes I smelled it and wondered why some old magazines have that somewhat kind of smell because basically I have poor reading skills. Anyway, I think the aim of this issue was to feature essays on how all the Indian states and union territories were awesome in 1973. Independence had been won, the Green Revolution was bringing on hybrid seeds and insecticides, life expectancy was up, literacy was up, the snail was on the thorn, morning was at seven and we were just the dopest flyest OG pimp hustler gangster player hardcore motherfucking third world country in the world yougaiz. Here are some things I thought were neat about The Illustrated Weekly of India Annual 1973- The New Landscape of India.

1. The civics section of one of my school text books taught me that one of the reasons for population explosion in India is ‘the fatalistic outlook of the common man.’ Basically Common Man is going around saying hay yougaiz India is depressing and we’re all going to die, let’s go make baybeez. Similarly, this magazine taught me the following

-          “Naga women have the reputation of being excellent housewives. They are hard-working, smart and faithful to their men”. Luckily that first sentence is there because if you read the second sentence on its own, you’d think you were reading about some exciting breed of domestic animal they have in the Nagaland. Also, isn’t it neat how back then, peeps probably had no idea where Nagaland was because that was 1973  but now in 2011, peeps are like, Nagaland is like ManipurMizoramTripura types place, right? Somewhere over there, no? #progress

-          “Mizo girls who only a few decades ago sent their young men on head-hunting sprees are now modernized and sing soulful love songs to the tune of the modern guitar.” So many amazing things happening in this sentence that I feel it needs to be on a really big t-shirt with flashing lights so that people can read it in the dark and from very far away also.

-          “Kashmir is renowned for the beauty of its women and the skill of its artisans”. Later we are informed that’ the greatest ornament of a Kashmiri woman is her modesty’. So basically you just need to mix the Nagaland womans with the Kashmir womans to create ultimate Indian wife, no? #nationalintegration

For some reason, none of the writers felt the need to make such fabulously sweeping statements about the various dudes in the various states. Why such blatant sexism in 1973? Is modesty not the greatest ornament of a Kashmiri man too? Or do Kashmiri men not wear ornaments because that would be gay? Are the Mizo men not modernized and singing soulful love songs? After all, they don’t need to go out headhunting anymore, no? What they are doing in this spare time now? Why has no one said ‘Naga men have the reputation of being all-round excellent dudes.’? Is all this the early ruinous effect of naansensefeminism in modern India? I think so yes it is.

2. Another thing that my school text books told me was that we are all Indian caste. We are casteless but we are Indian. Indian is my caste. Or something. Anywaiz, this magazine also propagated against the caste and region-based ebils by perpetuating caste and region-based stereotyping in the following manner

“The Kammas, compared with the Reddis, are known to be urbane, astute and sophisticated.”

If I was a Reddi I think I might be thinking about whether I should be thinking about whether I should get offended by that or not but I'm not a Reddi so it doesn't matter. Anyway, this following one is my personal favorite

“Self-pity comes as naturally to the Andhra as self-praise does to the Tamilian.”

My Tamilian self would now like to say that I am awesome. Zomg, I just self-praised myself. Self-praising Tamils is like SO TRUE YOUGAIZ!!!11 See? Stereotypes really ARE real!!11

3. Let us now desist with the unfair practice of cherry-picking lines from the magazine, mainly because there are too many of them. Now let’s look at the pictures. We have already spoken about the large satellite dish juxtaposed with tooling cows. Other interesting pics included the strikingly dramatic black and white pics of the authors and the alarming number of pics of topless young women accompanied by descriptors that said things like ‘beautiful and bold naked tribal girl being beautiful and bold and naked’. In stark contrast, there were no pics of topless young tribal men, possibly because they are not as beautiful, bold and naked as the tribal girls. I feel like the fact that all the essays seemed to be written by men was neatly balanced by this profusion of pics of young women and their boobies. In this way, the magazine accommodated men and women in the different capacities that they are most proficient in. Because men and women are different yougaiz and they are good at different things, as is wonderfully expressed in this following ad that was also found in this magazine.

This ad has a foreigner (or an Indian who looks very foreign), foreign language spoken by white people, kamasutra pic and a really funny joke. No really, it's funny. Really. This makes it a relevant banking ad because there is a difference between a bank and a bank yougaiz. We can see this is successful ad because I have gone to the trouble of taking a pic of it and posting it on my blog. But that is not my favorite ad. This one is. 

I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that ‘figure developer’, really means ‘this will make your boobies big yougaiz.’ When I first saw this, I thought it was for ladies personality development course because you can see that in the ‘before’ pics, the ladies are sad and wearing sleeveless. In the ‘after’ pics they are smiling even though they have somehow lost their sleeveless and are only wearing bra. So maybe that is personality development in a way yougaiz. Again, doesn’t seem to cater to the men but that’s probs because manboobs are gross yougaiz.

Wow, so much man/woman whining in this blog post, no? I must be on my period or something! Anyway I want to end this by saying that it is very unfair to snark about a 1973 magazine in 2011, especially when I didn’t really read it in the first place. But I feel like in order to understand where we are and where we are going, we need to understand where we were and the best way to do that is to read magazines from 1973 and make fun of them. Also it is important to remember that we are now in 2011 and we are awesome because we have internet and there are many Indians living in America. This means we no longer stereotype or make sweeping statements about people with uteruses and people from different regions, different castes and different stratas of society. We don’t even do it in ads anymore, as is clearly illustrated in this ad from TataDocomo about the thieving maidservant . Because maids really do steal everything yougaiz! I even wrote an echapbook all about it! I also wrote a book which has pics of insects but no topless tribal women because that’s against Indian culture.


ps- Didn't You Kill My Brother by Alexei Sayle. This is one of the best things I have ever seen in my life yougaiz.

Monday, August 29, 2011

i hate people who are against india and support corruption ‘like’ if you agree!!11111

You know how there’s these groups on Facebook that say JOIN ONLY IF YOU REALLY LOVE INDIA AND ARE TRUE SON OF BHARAT MATA and the allcaps scare you and stuff so you hesitate to join and then all these peeps are like ‘wtf, why didn’t you join the group you fucking terrorist.’ So then you poke around the group a little and you find comments like ‘kashmir belongs to india all muslims should remember this is HINDUstan’ and ‘clearly this aruna roy female is lesbian for opposing jan lokpal’. And so you’re like ‘um, no don’t want’ and peeps are like ‘JOIN THIS GROUP OR I WILL SET YOU ON FIRE’ and you start sobbing and saying ‘Gawd I don’t want to die’ and they’re like ‘JOIN THIS GROUP OR I’M UNFRIENDING/UNFOLLOWING YOU ON ALL SOCIAL NETWORKING PLATFORMS AND I WILL TELL EVERYONE WHAT A BAD INDIAN YOU ARE JAI HIND’ and you become fearful for your life and stuff?


So anywaiz, I’d like to share some of the highlights that made AnnaHazareIssue really neato for me. Because that’s EXACTLY what this country needs right now, another AnnaHazareIssue blog post. So here it is, My List of Salient Features which made AnnaHazareIssue Salient For Myself 

 1. It made Bipasha Basu say this in Twitter- ‘Ppl's outcry under Anna's guidance should not go deaf.The govt has to reach a dialogue and show that they are sentimental towards the ppl.’

2.      Illustrious acquaintance received illustrious sms requesting us to show support for AnnaHazareIssue by turning off all lights. IN THE DAYTIME YOUGAIZ!!111 How can anyone see you are showing support if you turn off the lights in the daytime when there’s like fullsun happening in the sky and stuff? What about all those people who are just turning off lights because it’s daytime and they are actually not in support of AnnaHazareIssue and simply they are acting in misleading manner? Wtf yougaiz. Anyway, the real question is, did I do this? Was I a good Indian? And the answer is…um…..HELLZ YEAH!!111 And you know what?

from here
Please clicky the chicken to experience the epicness of the gif. Also, if nothing else, the lights knew I supported AnnaHazareIssue and maybe that's what is really important here.

3.      There were times when one looked at the supporters of this anti-corruption movement and one said ‘YAY JAI HIND YAY NO CORRUPTION YAY PRETTEH CELEBRITIES YAY LOOK IT’S…wait, what? WTF are they doing there? I thought this was ANTI corruption movement. WTF YOUGAIZ!!111’. This is where I would have liked to say something about a certain illustrious individual with a ponytail but I’m scared of being sued yougaiz.

4.      When people call you Anti Indian for not supporting AnnaHazareIssue, it sometimes sounds like they are calling you Aunty Indian. That is like so weird and confusing, especially when you see gentsfellow being called Aunty Indian.

5.      Despite the fact that a number of people wrote articles “against Anna”, it was Arundhati Roy who once again wins the You Make Me So Mad I Want To Eat My Face award for making an alarming number of our populace like so mad yougaiz. Granted, she has a bit of an advantage since hating on Ms. Roy is one of our favourite national pastimes. I think so it is only rivalled by playing carroms and enjoying the casual consumption of roasted groundnuts and other various pulses. Also I think many people were getting Aruna Roy and Arundhati Roy mixed up here but since peeps be hatin' on both it weren't really no thang ya'll.

6.      Sometimes you know what would happen? A stupid person would say ‘I don’t know about this yougaiz…’ to a group of rabid AnnaHazareIssue supporters. And said stupid person was immediately requested to provide a “better plan”. And because stupid person did not have A Better Plan To Get Rid Of Corruption In India in their pockets, they were requested to shut up their mouths jai hind. Sometimes they were also told to ‘go back to Pakistan’ which is very dated but lolzworthy nonetheless.

7.      Voicing criticism of the AnnaHazareIssue apparently meant you loved corruption because it’s like SO. HAUT. Conversely, supporting AnnaHazareIssue meant you loved India and were incorruptible and hated corruption even though you have indulged in corruption activities but you couldn’t help that because India is like that only. I think it’s like those love songs where the lyrics are like ‘I hate myself for loving you but I can’t help loving you because I love you but I hate myself for loving you.’ Or something. 

8.      The Gandhi cap made a comeback yougaiz! 

9. Fasting made a comeback! Even though Irom Sharmila has been fasting for about ten years now, it took this kerfuffle to make fasting haut enough for certain illustrious and informative sites to write about how fasting is good for health and will make you sexy apart from being an effective tool of democracy.

10.  I thought I knew all about corruption because I’ve had to pay bribes yougaiz and it was like so unfair and totes hurt my feelings. Then while actually reading about corruption and all this other stuff, I decided the whole thing was too complicated and I was like wtf WAY easier to just turn those lights off in the daytime, no? Yes.

And now, I would like to end this by saying why yes! This IS yet another uninformed, negative and useless nonsense blog post written by yet another elitist, English female blogger who knows nothing about the Real India, nothing about the issues at hand and only knows how to sit in front of computer and criticize one of India’s greatest movements against corruption. Still, I feel like this shouldn't stop you from buying my book or buying my echapbook. Ideally, you could buy both. Also, I just remembered that I actually wanted to write about porn and instead I wrote blog post about Aunty Indian filled with lustysexual feelings about the corruption. Maybe that’s like porn in a way. 



Sunday, August 14, 2011

Is ‘yougaiz’ against Indian culture? It probably is yougaiz.

Dear whoever landed on this blog in the hopes of finding ‘west mambalam free raped girls phone number’, not to sound all judgy and stuff but WTF??!!1111 Also you are gross. Also 

Improper Use of Internet Pictures, Images and Photos

To continue in the wtf vein, a certain Maureen Chao who is allegedly Vice Consul of illustrious US Consulate allegedly spoke about her Foreigner in Indian Train experience which is not that interesting but allegedly the experience made her so dirty and dark that she had to tell us that ‘I became dirty and dark, like a Tamilian’ . Thankfully the US consulate website made everything ok by posting this ‘Ms. Chao deeply regrets if her unfortunate remarks offended anyone, as that was certainly not her intent.' I’m really glad they did this yougaiz because I was SO about to get offended because that is what whiny third world colored folk are wont to do, no? Yes. Anywaiz, my favorite aspects of this little kerfuffle are as follows. 

1.      She said these awesome and empowering words about the Tamil people WHILE STANDING INSIDE THE TAMIL NADU YOUGAIZ!!11. Seriously. If you are not on drugs at the time, what kind of space does your brain need to be in for that to happen? At what point, while you are speechifying, does it seem like a good idea to say this? These are extremely relevant questions when you consider that the illustrious Maureen Chao is not your adorable but embarrassingly bigoted grandmother who says things like this in public because she is your grandmother. Maureen Chao is a foreign diplomat type person type thing. And I’m pretty sure that somewhere in foreign diplomat type person type thing school, they have a course where they teach you not to refer to the natives as dark and dirty while making public speeches. Or maybe they only have that course for First World countries because Third World natives really ARE dark and dirty. LOL!11 That is a clever joke. If you did not laugh at it, you are not only racist, you are a racist that can’t take a joke and that’s the worst kind of racist ever yougaiz.

2. I am also very much louing the illustrious people who are taking the high road on this one, kindly educating the rest of us on how us Indians should consider that an apology has been issued so that makes everything ok, it was ‘just a joke’ and most importantly, we should remember that all of us want to study in America and then live there forever and ever and that is FAR more important than some diplomat saying something about Tamilians being dark and dirty. You’ll never get that green card honey if you upbraid US consulate peeps. Come on now, eyes on the prize.

And now, I must take this opportunity to wish advance JaiHind greetings to all my Indian brothers and sisters on our forthcoming IndependenceDay celebrations. In honor of this hallowed dry day, I would like to call for Nationwide ban on certain kinds of wines, specifically whines, specifically whines about how this, that, up, down and your father in law are all against Indian Culture or causing Indian Culture to die. Indian culture is not going to die yougaiz. I think some little kid in Pondicherry was spotted hawking bags while shouting ‘Indian culture!’ or something so not only is Indian Culture not dead, it is very lucrative also for the common peoples. Heretoforehenceoforththerewith, I would personally like to say that I think this kind of whining is against Indian culture and so I call for ban against the following whines because they are also seditious encouraging our youth to go along the morally wrong path and is counterproductive to development of this great nation jai hind. Kindly request all to do the needful yours sincerely.

JAIHIND!!!11111 Whine aka I Am Indian Hear Me Rawr

This whine is RAWR LIKE INDIAN TIGER. But nay. India is home of the nonviolence so let us not be the violence. Instead, let us make up for the lack of violence by being loud, obnoxious and crazytown while maintaining very small attention span. For instance, let us look at the gay pride parades and slut walks but let us look at them from a distance because gay pride parades and slut walks are sogross and scawy ALL THIS NOT PART OF INDIAN CULTURE JAIHIND!!1111 Safely ensconced in our little boxes that are having no air and armed with our fabulous ignorance about gay pride parades and the slut walks because who wants to know about such things anyway, let us declare them both against Indian culture because they are both…walking? No, maybe let’s declare walking to be against Indian culture later on. Let us say they are against Indian culture because OH LOOK A SHINEEE PENNEH!!111 SHINEE PENNEH IS AGAINST INDIAN CULTURE BECAUSE IT IS NOT PAISA JAIHIND 111!!!!

Country Whine aka I Am Awesome Because When I Wave To The Lepers They Wave Back At Me And I Know The Names Of Two Auto Drivers

This whine states that Indian Culture can only exist in rural areas and among the poor people because that is the Real India. The rest of India is Fake India. Popular accents of this whine include talking about roughing it among the natives and how regional languages are the only real Indian languages and people who can’t/won’t talk in these languages should be ‘thrown out’. Naturally these whines are more effective when they are delivered in English, which thankfully happens alot. How else will the Fake Indians understand yougaiz??!!! While these whines like to be “gritty” in order to appear realistic, there is always a touch of romanticism of the louly green rice fields and the scent of poor and rural Indian things wafting on the poor and rural Indian breeze and flute playing and big white ambassador car rolling along the road carrying sunglassed hero who has come back from America after completing studies- chee, sorry that is opening for eighties Tamil movie. But it works here also. Also please to note. Sometimes Country Whine comes from people who are no longer in the country but feel they are in the best position to whine about Indian Culture because they came here for vacation once in 1984. This is known as Foreign Country Whine.

Homemade Whine aka We Run This Motha

This whine defines the entire spectrum of Indian history, culture and its people solely on the basis of the whiner's family, nextdoor neighbors and their six assorted friends. So if they don’t do it, then it must not be Indian and must be against Indian culture. Apart from the bizarre things they say, what makes this whine interesting is that they speak with a great amount of conviction. And why wouldn’t you, when you believe that you and your six friends constitute the entire Indian experience. Popular aspects of this whine include saying things like ‘we do not do such things in India’ 'that is not Indian' and my personal favorite, ‘you please leave this to the West, as it is not part of this culture’ .

I Haz A Sad Whine aka The Bluebird of Happiness in My Life Has Been Replaced By The Indian Boiler Chicken of Depression

Watery with tears of nostalgia, this whine laments the fact that Indian culture is dead/dying and that everything Indian suddenly isn’t Indian anymore because it is different from the India of 1979. It is marked by sadness, bewilderment and utter dismay that India had the audacity to change over time. Did it wantingly change or was it CIA propaganda? Why didn’t things stay the same? Who stole my 1979India? Where are the pistagreen walls and ambassador cars of my youth?

this just seemed very appropriate for this whine and was stolen from here
 jaihind vazhgabaratham yougaiz.

Monday, August 1, 2011

is englishbullying in modern india like hipster racism without the hipsters and the racism yougaiz please answer me yes or no?

This blog post title is something I would like to talk about a little later. First, did I mention I have an echapbook out called ‘Eating Sugar, Telling Lies’ which you can buy and enjai like anything? Did I also mention that my collection with the tediously long title is now available as an ebook so you don’t have to wander all over the countryside trying to find it? Didn’t mention? Ok so I have mentioned it now.

Now can we talk about the slew of shirtless dudes that have apparently bombarded the Bollywood and just ruined everything? I feel like peeps were complaining about this when I was in college also and that was a REALLY long time ago yougaiz. Maybe this is one of those things that people like to periodically bemoan, like the death of the short story, which apparently has been going on dying for many years now. Anywaiz, I believe some people are very upset about said slew of shirtless dudes because I think so in Bollywood only the women are supposed to appear in various stages of undress. In this way, Bollywood is very similar to Hollywood, thus proving that there is unity in the diversity. Or maybe peeps are upset because shirtless fellows are against Indian culture. Maybe like the feminism and the gayness, shirtless dudes are one another Western crapnonsense nuisance. This of course would explain why in our great Indian epics we have great Indian man hero type people fitted out in shirts which covered their modesty and their bellybuttons.  This is in marked contrast to certain women of low character who always displayed their bellybutton as a way of seducing great Indian man hero type people. 

from somewhere on
Can you see his bellybutton? You can totally see his bellybutton yougaiz!!11 OMG DON'T LOOK AT HIS BELLYBUTTON YOUGAIZ OR YOU MIGHT GET PREGNANT !!111 

Anyway then what happened means I watched a television commercial the other day. From what I remember of it, a man could not find his socks and his wifelet was pissed off because she had to come and find his socks for him. Then the teevee showed us a shot of some Bran Flakes (I think), which tells us that one of these illustrious individuals was constipated. Someone told me that Indians don’t get constipated because apparently that’s something that only happens to white people. And here we are in 2011 watching an Indian commercial for Bran Flakes. This is called progress of the globalization. Anyhoo, because I am just a silly old woman with a silly old uterus, I thought the constipated individual was the man, who was possibly so backed up that he could not even find his own socks anymore. But nay- twas the woman who was irregular. Her irregularity caused the irregular behavior of wondering why a grown man can’t find his own socks. Thankfully by the end of the commercial, the woman had her Bran Flakes and the snail was on the thorn, morning was at seven and the man had a woman to cheerfully find his socks for him. I’m really glad that commercial ended well because I was really worried about the socks!!11 Who would find them?!!11 Would they be lost forever?!11 So much drama yougaiz. 

Now, I would like to talk about this blog post’s title. This is something that occurred to me a while back, when I noticed that an Indian name was trending on Twitter. The Indian name belonged to an Indian dude who had an Indian blog that was filled with Indian English and it was just the funniest thing evarevar yougaiz. The trending seemed to be largely made up of that unique form of EnglishBullying that we are so fond of doing in our onenumber country to anyone who has the audacity to use Indian English like it is a language that people actually speak in India or something. This bullying is not really bullying yougaiz because apparently it helps the other person to ‘see his mistake and correct his ‘bad’ English’. So it’s kinda like the mean twin of the Benevolent English Despotism I once blogged about before. And while they may appear to be different, I feel they are both are coming from the same family only. 

The bullying in itself was not very interesting but it was done in that slightly nervous, loud and defensive way that makes EnglishBullying so adorbs- like hipster racism joketype things, it is extremely important to go along and laugh at everything because if you don't, you either don’t have a sense of humor or you are pretending to be American or you are a terrorist or you have your period or something. I myself did not laugh because I did not really see what we were supposed to be laughing at. On the one hand, we had this individual who had offended Mother India by having a blog filled with Indian English which apparently is “the horrible English”. And then we had peeps tweeting things like ‘‘god please save d India from such fellows who use d English in such a manner jai hind!’ I found all this very similar to a forward I received some time back, which snarked about the similar horrible English one finds on certain profiles. This consisted of taking a profile that was written in “bad” English with “bad” grammar and then following it with a comment that read something like ‘next time you plz ask the help in framing    sentence to save us from you’re painful grammar!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!’.

I’m guessing that the English used by one party is “better” than that used by the other, although I am unable to see just where the betterment is. I am also unable to understand why it is so important to jump up and down and frantically scream about "the horrible Englishes" or if people are aware of what it looks like when you frantically scream about "the horrible Englishes'" while using phrases like "the horrible Englishes". Admittedly, I probably shouldn’t be talking about this at all. Not only is this blog is riddled with bad English and grammar, I have no qualms in admitting that not only was I student of Government Girls Higher Secondary School in the Tamil Nadu, I also failed English in the same. I also failed English in Canada although there it was called “Language Arts”. Point being that I have failed English in First and Third World countries so that’s probably why I cannot discern the subtle but incredibly important differences which makes one of these Englishes moar better than the other.

Instead, I will end all this with this poem by Nissim Ezekiel. I like this poem very much but perhaps this man is somewhat to blame for the goingon population explosion of that awful thing called Indian English because blatantly he has written poem using the same. Hopefully the EnglishBullyingBrigade will be able to put this man and his horrible English in his place soon and save the India from such fellows.

The Professor
 Remember me? I am Professor Sheth.
 Once I taught you geography. Now
 I am retired, though my health is good.
 My wife died some years back.
 By God's grace, all my children
 Are well settled in life.
 One is Sales Manager,
 One is Bank Manager,
 Both have cars.
 Other also doing well, though not so well.
 Every family must have black sheep.
 Sarala and Tarala are married,
 Their husbands are very nice boys.
 You won't believe but I have eleven grandchildren.
 How many issues you have? Three?
 That is good. These are days of family planning.
 I am not against. We have to change with times.
 Whole world is changing. In India also
 We are keeping up. Our progress is progressing.
 Old values are going, new values are coming.
 Everything is happening with leaps and bounds.
 I am going out rarely, now and then
 Only, this is price of old age
 But my health is O.K. Usual aches and pains.
 No diabetes, no blood pressure, no heart attack.
 This is because of sound habits in youth.
 How is your health keeping?
 Nicely? I am happy for that.
 This year I am sixty-nine
 and hope to score a century.
 You were so thin, like stick,
 Now you are man of weight and consequence.
 That is good joke.
 If you are coming again this side by chance,
 Visit please my humble residence also.
 I am living just on opposite house's backside.

- By Nissim Ezekial, stolen from here


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