Saturday, January 1, 2011

i have changed my name so often i have lost my wife and children but i have many friends

i would wish you heppy new year but i am unsure if it is unIndian to do so since we didn’t create it or something. No doubt, we will have to rely on those mostillustrious and often violent keepers of teh Injun CulturesAndTraditionsAndEthnicDress to let us know because they are so smart and stuff like that. Anyhoo, this blog post title is taken from a song whose cover version I so much appreciate. I sometimes like to think this particular line applies to me very well except I never had a wife or children and I don’t have many friends. I have met people who think this line applies to them too very well for the same reasons also.

Anyway, I thought I would use this post to catch up on some correspondence that I never got to send before 2010 keeled over and died.

Dear Warren Anderson,

Hay sup homi!!1! What’s going on with your bad geriatric self? You know, I was just thinking about how you’re totally not in jail but Dr. Binayak Sen just got life imprisonment on sedition charges. I couldn’t help but admire how neat that is for you and for all those people like you who are inside the Indias who should also be in jail but instead they are like in parliament and stuff like that. Indian Justice, we haz it! Anyhoo, I guess it’s only a matter of time before I call India a big poopoo head and get sent down for life on sedition charges myself. I guess you won't be in jail then either.

Dear Sheila Ki Jawani,


(stolen from here)

Dear ColorWar Brigade,

Did skin lightening in the third world become the new haut thing to write about now? Why are so many of these writings/conversations little more than excuses for peepal to talk about that time they went to that dark, exotic foreign land and that’s about it. I’m not hating, it’s totes cool to reduce otherwise large and complex conversations into excuses to talk about our minority friends and trips abroad. I myself used Christmas as an excuse to tell everyone I had that one Christian friend that one time. Besides, people kinda do it in fiction and that’s totes ok because whatever! But maybe if we want the conversations to move beyond that, maybe we can keep the following points in mind the next time we decide to fight over non-white folks in non-white countries and how they should be studied, pitied and then shot for lightening their skin. Also ‘non-white countries’ is the term I will use for want of a better term and because this is my blog and also all four of ya’ll know what I’m talking about anyway.

1. Skin-lightening in non-white countries has to do with white people, doesn’t have to do with white people and has to do with a bunch of other stuff, some of which predates Jesus and it’s all exceedingly difficult to summarize in 30 words or less. Wottodo, life is hard.

2. Skin lightening in non-white countries is not the same as skin lightening in America. If you apply the skin lightening reasons of America to skin lightening in non-white countries, you will reach that scawy part of the Twilight Zone called Flabbergasting Conclusions which is like a corn field but without the corn and without the field also.

3. Just because you ‘traveled extensively in *insert any non-white country here*', or ‘have friends from *insert any non-white country here*’ does not make you any kind of authority on issues of skin color in said non-white country. There is of course nothing wrong with sharing what you know based on these experiences but it would be really nice if people could move beyond ‘well when I was a tourist there I saw this happen from my tourist bus window so it must be true’.

4. Don’t feel shy to read resources on the issue that are written from a non-Eurocentric perspective!! I am convinced that shyness is the only reason why more people aren’t doing this so I say to you, SHY IS COMING MEANS DON’T AFRAID BAYBAY. YOU BE FREE!!! NO ONE CAN JUDGE YOU!!!

5. Did I mention I had that one Christian friend that one time? I totally did. True story.

Dear Indian Journalism,

In a year that was otherwise devoid of LOLZ, you guys were totes hilarious. Like seriously you guys were like,

I don’t know how you will top stuff like plagiarism, doing messenger work between political parties and taking dictation from corporate lobbyists. But I have fullfaith that you will somehow manage to entertain us even more in the new year. Stay classy ya’ll!

And now, the obligatory list of Resolutions for 2011. I hereby resolute to resolve to make the following resolutions.

1. I will walk with my people once I find them.
2. I will start a revolution.
3. I will be arrogant enough to think I can start a revolution.
4. I will stop talking about the ‘Other’ in fiction because it is pointless.
5. I will eat less vegetables.
6. I will never stop talking about the ‘Other’ in fiction because as an alleged writer with a blog, I revel in pointless things.
7. I will frequently say ‘PROUD TO BE INDIAN!!!!’ for no reason, thus cleverly avoiding any risk of being charged with sedition. PROUD TO BE INDIAN!!!!
8. I will find my home so I can finally give up and go home.
9. I will be more forgiving of people who refer to me as 'exotic', even if they keep doing it because to them it's a compliment and I guess it doesn't matter that it makes me feel like a pineapple.
10. I will ignore it when people call me 'exotic' and pretend like they just farted or something.
11. I will do the same as above when people say stupid things in general.
12. I will set up an I’m an Exotic Third World Writer So You Should Give Me Money Fund for the people who call me 'exotic' so these people can send me money and I can get this money that they send me. This fund will basically be about giving me money.
13. I will start a political party that solemnly swears never to talk to Nira Radia.
14. I will not buy bread that smells like agarbathis.
15. I will finish my epicest novel All These Bitches Is My Sons.
16. I will start the sequel and call it All These Bastards Is My Daughters.
17. I will write a novella called Only Some of These Bitches is My Sons.
18. I will only write in the goode Englishes like all goode people. Bad people apparently write in French because French is the opposite of English. FYI.
20. I will use the word ‘twunt’ more.
21. I will stop using the word ‘fuck’.
22. I will start using the word ‘fuckityfuck’
23. I will sob loudly when people pity me for not being able to speak my Mother tongue properly.
24. I will set up an I Can’t Speak My Mother Tongue Properly Fund so people can send me money and I can get this money that they send me. This fund, like the above mentioned fund, will basically be about giving me money.
25. I will no longer post the GIF of the dancing dude because it objectifies men, a section of society that has been oppressed and objectified for far too long. Objectifying men is reverse sexism and like reverse racism, it’s like so mean, you guys.
26. I will submit this list of resolutions somewhere as a list poem



                            (stolen from but where exactly, who can say?)

28. YOU MAD!!!!11!!!!!!! That's not a resolution but whatever. YOU SO MAAAAAD!!11!!!!
29. I will eat more candy.
30. I will write shorter blog posts.

And now, in an effort to broaden my understandings of exotic cultures, some exotic musics.

Song of India by Korla Pandit-  I am incredibly shocked to learn that Korla Pandit was apparently an African- American dude and not “a baby born in New Delhi, India to a Brahmin priest and a French opera singer, who traveled from India via England, finally arriving in the United States.” I am not really shocked with the costume of the dancing dude featured here because it explains to me why so many nonIndian people think that Gandhi was “wearing a diaper”.

Cara Mia by Jay and the Americans - Not to be confused with that other famous group Jai and the Indians

Cuanto La Gusta by Carmen Miranda and the Andrews Sisters

We No Speak Americano by Yolanda Be Cool & DCUP

And last but not certainly not least, here is my wish for you in the 2011.What did you say? Hey! What did you say? Nothing? Oh, it's alright!

May these words be like words in the new year and things like that.



Anonymous said...

I am gooing to make t-shirts that say SHY IS COMING MEANS DON’T AFRAID BAYBAY. YOU BE FREE!!! NO ONE CAN JUDGE YOU!!! and work in my garden

shre said...

So true about Shiela and her jawani, she should watch Rajkumar shayke it like he does and get depressed and become a charity case and donate all her monies to you instead.

kuzhali manickavel said...

@ anonymous- this is a fine idea and will be very inspiring for your plants to see and be motivated to do moar better in life also

@ shre- i think this is also a fine idea because i like the idea of the laziest cut and paste item number i have heard in a long time turning into another Fund for myself. i think it can be called No One Cares About Sheila And Her Jawani Fund

Anonymous said...

happy new year! wow, that noir desir leonard cohen cover is really deadly. did you hear about the plague of dead birds in arkansas?

kuzhali manickavel said...

heppy new year to you also as well :) i did hear about the plague of dead birds and i was like that's kind of neat altho it probably sucks for the birds, not so much because they are in arkansas but because they are dead

scherezade said...

Heppy noo ears.
Your resolutions are so awesome. If you write that epicest novel I will make a movie out of it.
Ok that's all I got for now since I am still hungover from all the vodka ice-cream
and I began my day with Eastbound and Down, followed it with Shaan (and made the awesome discovery that Rocknrolla's crayfish punishment is a Shakaal ripoff) and ended it with The Supertroopers.
Also, this is my first inebriated comment ever. Hurrah.

kuzhali manickavel said...

i feel like your day would have been more complete if you had also watched a telugu movie with vijayashanthi in it. why because she is the lady superstar.

i also feel like your inebriated comment was wonderfully coherent for an inebriated comment. heppy nude ears dahling.

Scherezade said...

Ok. I lied. It wasnt inebriated. But THIS IS!

kuzhali manickavel said...

if it is, you have wonderful control over your punctuation. also, as citizen of india having civic sense of civic duty, it behooves me to say, as has often been said to myself also, if you are going on with this bad habits, who will marry you?

and now that i have finished my civic duty, i say carry on with your bad self.

Scherezade said...

Nude ears. Behooved. Oooooo.
Wait. Actually no. Ooooo more.
Love Kumar from Bareilly will marry me coz he said himself in a Friendster message - "I am only marrying you... you are so girl and nice man"

kuzhali manickavel said...

sometimes i feel it is not jeanspant and westernization but ear nudity that is behind the corruptions and general decay of the Indias modern youths. I am going to start a Stop Ear Nudity Now! Fund to save our youths from this onenumber corruptions which is against Indian culture also.

Also, I wish we could all be blessed to have a Love Kumar from Bareilly in our lives, who has the courage to embrace the so girl and nice man in all of us.

Anonymous said...

After you watch Telugu movie with Vijayshanthi, or perhaps before, pls watch Kannada movie with Malashree. why because she is another asskicking lady superstar.

GBV said...

Do you get all your GIFs from Videogum?

Stop with all the twee-hipster shit, bebe.

Gawker-ization is the new Gentrification. Stop. Schtick


kuzhali manickavel said...

@ anonymous- day-yum, dramatic wrist turns ftw I say! Also angry red eyes win. And throwing dudes through front bus windows win. And shooting dude through bus, out of back window win. And angrily covering girl’s shoulders with covering cloth win. And throwing dude through std booth win. And hitting dude’s head against metal bar so it went ‘tung!’ win. And running on top of busses win. And throwing dudes through billboard then they land on amba cars and the car windows explode win. And also throwing clutch of dudes through glass windows and they fall downdown win.

@ GBV- ohai! there’s usually a link that says where I have stolen assorted gifs from. also, I am appreciating yours advices to stop all those things you believe need stopping. but seriously, if the ‘twee-hipster shit’ (not sure what that is but I guess it’s phamous in America so whatever) is not your cup of tea, I beseech you to look to other places for your reading material because you are not alone, a lot of people do not like what’s going on with this blog and there are mostcertainly better things to read elsewhere in the cyberspaces.

scherezade said...

'O Maurice, I am so behooved by all these nude ears.'

Also I thought I' d let you know that your behooving combined with my watching of super troopers (again) did lead to my repeated usage of 'behooved' at important junctures during some of my meetings today
I don't think they will offer me any grants for future research work. And I might never see a promotion at the current job either.
Well. Bollocks to them.Those toadies can go get behooved!

kuzhali manickavel said...

it behooves me to apologize if my behooving causes a marked dimming of your career prospects, altho i feel like maybe it is your fascination with nude ears that is causing all problems.

Stop Ear Nudity Now!

K said...

I will have you (and all fifteen thousand of you who read this blog) know that Ear Nudity is one of the prescribed forms of nudity in our illustrious Vedas. It is also one of those nude parts that are wooable, alongwith nostrils, hair, navel, left boob (or right depending on local sari draping styles and such), the-toe-with-the-toering, etc. Stopping Ear Nudity is more against our illustrious Vedic culture than the false idolatry of undead WWF wrastlers in the 90's. Stop Stopping Ear Nudity Now!!

Though I fully endorse any attempt to promote 'behoove' as it can only lead to a more literate, and thus better, India.

kuzhali manickavel said...

K, what you say is so much a true, mainly because you have mentioned the Vedas which basically wins everything all the time forever when it comes to issues of Injun cultures. I guess I will change the Stop Ear Nudity Now! Fund to the It Behooves You To Give Me Money For A More Literate India Fund. I guess I will also have to stop my campaign to distribute free ear-nudity prevention earmuffs to the poor and downtrodden of our onenumber nationcountries. maybe i can sell them to canada or something. the earmuffs i mean, not the poor and downtrodden because that would be racist and affect our tourism industry so much also.

Scherezade said...

Pants are mans romances. This may seem like a deviation from the current theme of ear nudity. Which is like totally cool. Yet, can we ever not consider things where we talk about mans romances.
This behvooed me to tears.

To this lovely note all I have to say is - O Maurice, No! You didn't! No No! You did, did you? You did. Didn't you?

Sorry. I must not post anymore comments but whattodo all that behvooing has effectively ended any possibility of a career in shrinkology.
Ok. No more comments. I must behoove myself.

kuzhali manickavel said...

this is the best thing i have read in a long time. pants are indeed man's romances because as is also noted, pants are important things. i would start a pants are man's romances fund but as a woman, i feel it would be unindian to do so.

also, it behooves you continue going on commenting because i am appreciating so much


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