Sunday, March 27, 2011

don't let them take it all 'cause you know they're going to take it all they seem so far from you but really they're close to you

This blog post title is taken from a song called Children by EMF and it just seemed like the right thing to do so there it is. So many things have happened you gaiz. Elizabeth Taylor died. Blaft sold out (allegedly). Then I have a new story up at the Michigan Quarterly Review called The Underground Bird Sanctuary. It is about zombie birds in Vedanthangal. It's not, actually. Then certain internet slangs were added to the Oxford English dictionary. And some people got really emo about that. Like, REALLY emo. Like batches be trippin' about how Shakespeare and a variety of other dead white dudes are now turning in their graves, screaming in their graves and doing the splits in their graves because LOL is now in the dictionary. I feel like because I write in English (allegedly) I need to say WE’RE SO SORRY WE LET YOU DOWN DEAD WHITE DUDES!111 The threat of the bad Englishes is upon us, batches! Don't let them take it all! 'Cause you know they're going to take it all! They seem so far from you! But really they're close to you!

Also I watched a movie you gaiz! Not about dudes getting fucked by horses. This one was called The Louly Bones. From what I could understand, and I did not understand much, this movie was Lord of the Rings but except there was a young girl in it whose main purpose was to strike Neo-esque poses to remind us of another great movie, called The Matrix. Then also there was a Heavens which apparently is mainly filled with murdered white women. I always knew that’s what heaven would be like you gaiz!11  But perhaps most interesting of all is the fact that this story had an Indian boy in it. YAY INDIA SUCH A GREAT HOLLYWOOD FINALLY UNDERSTANDING GREATNESS OF ALL THE INDIANS JAI HIND!!!!1111111!11 This Indian boy kissed a white girl on the lips you gaiz. That is very unIndian. I’m so conflicted about this you gaiz. Then I watched movie called Orphan. Arfan is the natural progression of Russian commie villain to Russian demon child girl person orphan type thing that plays the piano because she is Russian and who is not child girl person either really. Or something. I think the moral of this movie was not to adopt Russians. And I feel like maybe certain members of our philim community who are currently decanting young Russians in the hopes of casting them as the white girl in their next movie should take note. DON’T DO IT YOU GAIZ BE INDIAN BUY INDIAN!!11

So while I can no longer watch RuPaul, I have been following this tumblr with avid avidness because it is FIERCE! See?

from here

Now I want to talk about how last time, I gave a very special shoutout to some of my real life peeps who are now lounging on the prickly bed of unemployment. And I feel like maybe the advices I gave in the last post were not very complete and they may have been not very useful also. So I am now going to provide some useful employment advices for your face, real life peeps. Even though you don’t really read this blog. And you are currently unemployed also so how employment advices will help you I can’t say. If you ever get employed again, you can remember all these precious things and win at life because life is about #winning, you gaiz. 

Scenario #1- You call in sick because for realz, you feel like now would be a really good time to die and even though the floor is very dirty and running with numerous lines of red ants, it’s looking like the most comfortable place on earth right now and you'd really just like to curl up in the fetal position on said floor and die. And then the asshole on the other end of the phone says ‘Kindly take the appropriate medication and come to office.’

Do Not Say- What in the name of all that is good and holy on this green earth made you think you could tell me to ‘take the appropriate medication and come to office.’ Do I look like one of those people who ‘take the appropriate medication and come to office’? Has anything I have ever done in my illustrious career made you think oh, well she’ll just take the appropriate medication and come to office! If so, are you on drugs? What exactly is the ‘appropriate medication’ anyway? What could I possibly take to make coming to work a little easier on me, even on a good day? Crack? Are we allowed to do crack and come to work now? Please send me a memo regarding this with information regarding the same. In conclusion, I will conclude by saying that if you ever. EVER. Tell me to ‘Kindly take the appropriate medication and come to office.’, I will hunt you down and set you on fire.

Scenario #2-  You are caught by that sleazefuck who cannot hold a conversation with you without touching you because even though you’ve made it quite clear you do not want to be touched, they have made it equally clear they really want to keep touching you. Then when you try to sidle away they say things like ‘Hey relax! Why are you so tense? You’re not tense, are you? Come on, don’t be like that. You know I like you. Just relax, ok?’, thus sounding like a pedophile and making everything much much worse for your face.

Do Not Say- How much porn are you watching for you to think that this is going to have some kind of #winning result for you? Because something made you think that you could talk to me like I’m 12 years and you’re trying to get into my pants like that’s a #winning thing, right? What did you think I would do, clap and go ‘GOOD JOB!!1’? Is the bowchikkabowwow music supposed to start playing somewhere above our heads about now? At what point in these proceedings do I start stapling your reproductive organs to your forehead? Because I really feel like that needs to happen. I feel like that’s something I can make happen for you.

Scenario # 3- For the 876th year in a row, the office has decided to give you an armpit handbag for your happybirthday.

Do Not Say- It’s not often that I wish I had a penis. But right now, I kinda wish I had one because people in this office who have penises get CDs, books, gift certificates and neat stuff like that for their birthdays. And it’s great to see that all that money I can’t afford to give goes for neat birthday presents for cool peeps with penises, many of whom I don’t like and who don’t like me also. I know all of you pitched in a lot and made a lot of sacrifices to get me this plastic armpit handbag that looks like it cost…oh, maybe 4 rupees. And I totally understand how it is with us ladies, our ladyparts are always screaming out ARMPIT HANDBAG and that can be very deafening so naturally you are just getting us what we want. Anyway, I also want to say how much I appreciate this moldering piece of hardened vomit here which someone informs me is a pizza. And this lump of gawdhelpus which I thought was a collection of dead kittens but apparently is a cake. Also cheers for this flat and tepid orange drink which tastes like naphthalene, possibly because it’s been in that cupboard since 1997.

Anyway you gaiz, I won’t be blogging next month. I should be back in May. If I’m not back in May, I should be back in June. If not June, then July. And so on and so on. Hopefully it will be May but then again, man proposes but the god disposes. And so homibabas, I leave you with two things. One is this song called Hostage-O by Warren Zevon which is kinda emo but whatever. Two, I leave you with these words of wordings which you can remember when people try to dim your sparkles.

from here

carry on, batches

Sunday, March 20, 2011

‘I like your nose don’t forget me’

This blog post title has been appropriated from an illustrious person’s illustrious school autograph book. I feel like this is a good autograph to give, even if you don’t really like the other person’s nose. Other autograph book illuminatiquotes include

Your friendship fills my body like sweet poison 
(k- very emo, no? I’m not sure this is something one should tell their friends also. If a friend told me this I'd be like, I'm not sure you should tell me that.)

Drink hot coffee drink hot tea burn your lips and think of me 
(k- again, very emo. I feel like people were very emo in smalltempletown school autographbooks)

Man proposes but the god disposes 
(k- why would you write this in someone’s autographbook? but also it's very true also)

Also someone thoughtfully wrote the phone number of their aunt in Chennai in this illustrious school autograph book because…I don’t know. Although back in the day, Chennai was Madras and some girls would go to Madras and have ice cream there and come back and tell us all about it for weeks and weeks. 

Anywai, here are some things people said to me, some things that happened and some things that didn’t happen also. I feel like this is kind of how my life is like. But also not really.

mallu boys are asking shopuncle for ‘chilled cock’ #bowchikkabowwow

shopuncle says there is no ‘chilled cock’ only pepsi #cockblock

listening to illustrious person telling me the story of My Name Is Khan because that’s the one thing that’s been missing from my life for all my life

found a pen! going to try and write with it! #writingplan

the pen doesn't work you gaiz. oh whale. #writingplanfail

hopefully I’ll find a pencil next time #writingplanfornextyear

the pencil might be broken tho im so worried you gaiz writing is hard! #writinganxiety

according to mai fraand, My Name Is Khan is about that bombing that happened in america called 24/7 and that’s why srk was “a retarded muslim” in the movie #oscarwinning

bank is filled with small cottage industries ladies #agrovillagers

i am filling in bank forms for agrovillagers because i am scared of them. VILLAGERS ARE SCARY YOU GAIZ!!111 #educationwinning #everythingelsenotwinning

gaiz, remember actorkarthik and his moustache in ponnumani? what happened you gaiz? what happened to everything?

none of the agrovillagers have ponnumanimoustaches. sure sign of loss of tamil culture aping the west internet satellite television ruining engsters

agrovillagers have pushed me to the back of the line. i will be in the bank forever and ever #notwinning

i am going to die in this bank. they will find my desiccated carcass under a pile of outdated deposit challans #tellrupaulnottocryforme

i feel like RuPaul would really like me if she met me

i feel like RuPaul would be really disappointed if she met me

i feel like the chances of me ever meeting RuPaul are very slim so whatever #heartbreak

i am never going to the bank again. ever.

wearing headbandheadscarftypething. looking FIERCE HONEY FIERCE!!!111 #fabulous

from here
ok maybe not this fabulous. sorta fabulous. like, from far away. and stuff.

someone just said my headbandheadscarftypething makes me look like tea estate worker with the terminal illnesses wtf you gaiz!

ok maybe it does #succumbingtopeerpressure

we dans la maison! that’s canadian for we in da house! we’re actually not in our place of residence actually. we’ve entered someone else’s place of residence. anyway. #misleadingtweets

am i the only person here without a phone? i should have asked shopuncle if i could bring his payphone #swag #tardyfortheparty

these people wont let me carry around their landline around, wtf you gaiz! why wont they let me carry around a fone too you gaiz? #thispartysucks

'i knew this poet once. he had sex with everything.' 'with everything?' 'with EVERYTHING.' 'that must have hurt.' 'i know, right?' #ayehiphoppermujhepyartukar 

‘i find indian women boring. i don't know, maybe it's an indian thing’ #thanksforsharing #itsweirdwhenindianssaythingslikethis

from here
hay listen to manila luzon you gaiz! if you don’t like the women, try the men!

the wine is apparently NOT ruby wine. whatever

that awkward silence that follows the question 'in the song aye hip hopper, why does he call her a part-time knocker?'  

the bhangra version is pretty awesome tho. it isn’t actually. anyway. #makingthingsworse

i will pretty much listen to a bhangra remix of anything. o mai cheezuz i cant believe i actually said that out loud #makingthingsevenworser

i feel like there should be a bhangra remix of that song 'shake' thats not by kim kardashian. whats interesting is i felt like i couldnt possibly make things any worse and then i go and mention kim kardashian.

'it’s a tattoo of Krishna.’ ‘why does it look like throw-up?’ #importantquestions

from here

someone’s gone to ask if they have the bhangra remix of aye hip hopper #kindredspirits

‘you think peeps are judging us for dancing like this to this song?’ ‘probably.’ #haterzgonnahate #dancingwithkindredspirits #dontbejealousofmyboogie

none of us seem to be able to say hip hopper. we keep saying hip hop her wtf is wrong with us you gaiz?!!

now we are saying heep hop har. this is either because we are indian or because we’ve been drinking.

rum and bovonto just isn’t the same without the bovonto #ilovebovontoreallyimnotkidding

i miss all my friends where are you gaiz? how come you don’t talk to me anymore? was it because i never could make my mind up about front seat back seat? IM SO SORRY YOU GAIZ!

yesterday was thursday today it is friday we we we so excited we so excited we gonna have a ball today tomorrow is saturday and sunday comes afterwards #rebeccablackftw #daysoftheweek

abcdefghi - jklm - nopqrstuvwx - yz. i love you.  #humsaathsaathhainftw #thealphabet

going around saying ‘whatswongwitzyoomin’ because i’m a winner #winning #baptistegiabiconiwantstoknowwhatswongwitzyoomin

someone just asked me if i’m “from mizoram or something” because i’m going around saying ‘whatswongwitzyoomin’  #soracist #baptistegiabiconiisnotfrommizoramyougaiz

everyone seems really happy we’re leaving. possibly because now they can stop playing aye heep hop har on loop. #rosemilkparty

we’re watching a movie! it’s called Zoo! we are excited you gaiz. because we like zoos and hopefully there will be vampires also.

why does the cover have a horse on it? we are concerned you gaiz

we are flabbergasted to learn that this movie is about a guy who died after being fucked by a horse. we feel like we should stop watching but we really want to watch also. we’re so gross you gaiz. #shameshamepuppyshame

this movie is like being on drugs. it’s like being in a car and being stoned and watching the scenery and someone is talking to you and you keep waiting to see a horse have sex with a dude but it never happens. well it kinda does. i feel sorry for the horse even though the dude died. ok i feel bad he died also. i feel bad for everything you gaiz.

actorkarthik you gaiz! why doesn’t anyone remember his moustache in ponnumani? i don’t understand. it’s like i hardly know you gaiz anymore you gaiz.

Special shout out to my peeps who are now newly unemployed, O MAI GOD DONT SELL YOUR KIDNEYS YOU GAIZ, OK?!!!?? Because some of you may only have the one. And if you sell that also, you might die or something. JUST DON'T DO IT, KAY? Here are some other helpful tips for your face, mainly because I know none of you read this blog.

1. Do not go out with your disappointing gay best friend because that will be disappointing for your face and unemployment is disappointing enough as it is. If you absolutely must go out, try to go with a homosexual that is willing to really werq that fag bangle thang so you can feel fabulous.

2. Listen to this spanish version of the song 'Mickey' because it's catchy but slightly sloppy. Like unemployment! Not like unemployment. I don't know why I said that. Also don't listen to the spanish version of this song sung by small kids because you can get in trouble for doing that kind of thing on the internet.

3. Say 'Oh, Mickey dónde estás? Cada vez me gustas mas' to someone whose name isn't Mickey. This isn't necessarily a fun thing to do. Anyway.

4. Don't say 'aye hip hopper mujhe pyar tu kar' to anyone because just because you're unemployed doesn't mean you have to do that kind of thing, kay?

You're always a winner to me you gaiz!

konichiwa batches

Saturday, March 12, 2011

and party and bullshit and party and bullshit and

This blog post title is taken from When The Revolution Comes by The Last Poets. It’s always awkward when people from third world countries quote lines like this because no one really knows what you mean by the word ‘party’. Once upon a time, when I was a youths, I went to a party. We all sat in a line of chairs and we got paper plates. And then we got mixture and one sweet and rose milk and I said I don’t want any rose milk and they all said ‘IT’S ROSE MILK!’ and stared at me and I was affrighted so I drank it and then I felt like dying because I hate rose milk so much like I can't even say. Then all the engsters went out to play shuttle and they were asked to take me with them even though they tried very hard not to take me with them. But they were phail in this because the elders felt awkward having me sit there because they could never understand what I was saying and it was just awkward. It was the best shuttle game ever because engsters totes did not want me there either so that got boring after a while so I went back into the house and made the elders feel uncomfortable until it was time to go home. They didn’t invite me for any more parties. But I’m like whatever, your parties suck. And you can’t come to my parties either. I mean like, if I had parties.

It was Wyminz Dai, Batches!  I feel like ‘batches’ is a very realistic but also not very realistic way of portraying that kinda-but-not-really Canadia way of saying ‘bitches’. I also like the word Canadia. So as a woman, it behooves me to speak of wyminz day because if I don't, it means I hate men which is SO not true because I think men are neat, especially this one. 

once upon a time, i stole this gif from the end.
So I just want to take this opportunity to do two things. One, I would like to offer this article for reading, which is called The Careless Language of Sexual Violence. Oh noes! Not another chick talking about rape again! I know, right? Then I would also like to give a special belated wyminz dai shoutout to four particular entities that I think get overlooked on that very special day.

The Misogynistic Woman- Special salute to the lady assholes out there that remind us that misogyny is not a dude thing, it's an asshole thing and just because you have a uterus does not mean you can't be an asshole.

The Feminist Gay Dude- Also saluting the feminist dude who for some reason gets labeled gay for being a feminist. Maybe they should be called Feminist Lesbian Dudes instead. Because that will be matchingmatching with the lady feminists because all lady feminists are also lesbians because they can’t get a man or aren't good Indians or something.

The Chocolate Guy- Big shoutout to that one guy who doesn't really talk to you and then on women's day, he will very seriously and somberly come up to you, give you a bar of chocolate and seriously and somberly shake your hand while saying 'happy woman's day', somehow managing to give you the impression that he is both happy and sad that you are a woman. He will do this every year. If he forgets, he will give you a bar of chocolate the next day and apologize and seriously and somberly shake your hand while saying 'belated happy woman's day'. Chocolate Guy is righteous.

StupidFuckHead- I would also like to extend both my middle fingers in proud salute to that one person, male or female, who wants to know when Men's Day is and then when Tranny Day is because that’s just so funny and then proceeds to tell rape jokes ‘in an ironic way’ because it’s wyminz dai and it's just so funny you gaiz. 

‘what is the need?’ is a question I get asked a lot. What is the need to write this like this, what is the need to do that like that- sounds like a Celine Dion song, no? I also have my own ‘what is the need?’ questions and I thought it might be prudent to record them here from time to time because I have nothing better to do. Some of them aren't mine, I just think they're neat.

What Is The Need To Work For The Tehelka Robes?
I think the original question that was posed to me was ‘what is the need to work for the Tehelka rogues’ but I thought the person was saying ‘robes’ and I was like ‘Tehelka clothing line! That’s…weird! Are these robes like nighties?’ And I didn’t even know I was working for Tehelka, you gaiz! You learn a lot of neat stuff when you listen to other people.

What Is The Need To Know The Meaning of the Ringa Ringa Song
There are people who claim to my face that they know Telugu. But when it comes to telling me what the lyrics of this song mean, these people who claim they know Telugu either say ‘I don’t know this kind of Telugu’ or they don’t want to translate it because it is vulgar/obscene/somewhat/chee or they want to know where I heard the song so they can judge me. In spite of all this adversities, I have come to understand that the first line means ‘I am a posh posh foreigner who has come from the foreignland’. Or something like that. Anywai, I was thinking it would be so neat to sell NRIs t-shirts with this line on it. I also like how the Telugu word for ‘posh’ is ‘poshu’. 

What Is The Need To Be a Menace to South Central While Drinking Your Juice in the Hood?
There is absolutely no need for this. Don’t be a menace to south central while drinking your juice in the hood, you gaiz! I mean come on, they even made a movie about that. 

What Is The Need To Be A Complete Asshole And Then Tell Everyone ‘I Know I’m An Asshole’ After You’re Finished Being an Asshole? 
Dear AssholePerson. I feel like you’re doing this because you want us to give you a cookie. But we all know you’re an asshole too and no one’s giving us any cookies. Why only you should get cookie for something all are knowing from then itself I am not understanding. 

What Is The Need To Look At Pictures Of Shirtless Boo Boo Stewart?
There is no need to look at pictures of shirtless Boo Boo Stewart because Boo Boo Stewart was born in 1994 which makes him like 12 or something which makes you a pervy pedophile.

Why am I still writing about RuPaul when I can't even watch the show anymore and my heart is broken and stuff like that? This is so much pathetic I say. It is like the lovefailure. I thought I should write a letter to RuPaul saying ‘Dear RuPaul, I really like your show. Why do you hate my face and not let me watch your show on teh internetz? I wish you were my mom. Will you be my mom?’ Anywai, LOOK WHAT I FOUND YOU GAIZ!! I found this tumblr called fuck yeah rupaul’s drag race. FUCK YEAH! And also this tumbler and this one dedicated to Raja! I will look at these tumblrs over and over and over and over again and pretend that I am watching the show! There are gifs! YAY!!!

from here


from here
I’m a strong, wicked bitch too! Kinda. A little bit. Sometimes. Like, not always. Not usually. Mostly I just like to post gifs of queens saying ‘I’m a strong wicked bitch’.

from here
Hay batches! YOU SO MAD!!1!

from here
Hay Tati! YOU SO MAD!!1! Seriously, Tati was mad here. In case you can’t tell. 

from here

Hahaha, this was so funny because like Mystique said something that was like what? I mean like WHAT? because she was saying some crazy shit like really and then Raven was like what? and Juju was like gur, don’t even. Yeah, I was totally there. This is so sad. I have officially gone to The Sad Place. It can't possibly get any sadder than this. Wait a minute. Yes it can.

Clip from Drag Race Season 2 - ‘Those drag clothes look like a donkey fucked a piñata and threw up’.  

Avalukkenna from Server Sundaram- For some reason people think I’m kidding when I say I like this song. Also, once I saw LR Eswari on the train and by the time I worked up the courage to ask for her autograph, it was time for her to get off the train. She got off at Mambalam. RuPaul does not feature in this song at any point.

konichiwa, batches.

Saturday, March 5, 2011

All of this is everyone’s fault.

This blog post title is taken from this blog post. But before I get to it, I want to say that I think this will be my last installment of RuPaul’s Drag Race fav lines because it looks like Logo has decided that nonAmericans can’t watch the show on teh internetz anymore. Whatever, this episode featured a clutch of drag queens that decided to call themselves Heathers. Seriously. Because they are all in high school and this is 1989. OH MY GOD YOU GAIZ, ARE YOU SERIOUS?? Also, I saw Raja's underwear when she was walking the runway and I'm pretty sure I wasn't supposed to. And when I say ‘saw Raja’s underwear’ please know that they were flaming white bloomers under a short, chocolate brown outfit. Whatever.  

I've been single for a reason and now America is going to find out why
(k- this is not a great line. but alexis says this when she explains why she's nervous about doing the nude photo shoot and I was like what? are you on drugs? You’re a fabulous drag queen! If fabulous drag queens say things like this, all hope is lost for the rest of us. I think this means we now get to blame alexis mateo for our self esteem and body image issues.)

There is nothing I love more than chocolate. I could drip it all over my naked, lithe body over and over again and just lick it off myself
(k- what kind of space do you have to be in to actually open your mouth and have these words come out? This may also be the first time I have heard someone describe themselves as ‘lithe’. People don’t do that very often.)

Who the fuck is Heather?
(k- I think the nonHeathers should make a clique called Feathers. Then they could call each other Feather. Ok maybe they shouldn’t do that. DON’T LISTEN TO ME YOU GAIZ!!11!!)

 Then what happened means I read this article, which was neat for two reasons. One, it appeared to respond to allegations of stereotyping by totally not saying stereotypical things. You can see one example here, completely out of context, which is like so mean you gaiz.

“The book is not necessary in these cases, for the argument is about who can write about India, not what has been written.

For critics of this persuasion, India surely seems a lonely land. A country with a millennial history of Hindus, Christians, Jews, Muslims and Buddhists living peaceably together; a country of hundreds of dialects in which so many Indians are linguistic foreigners to each other, and happily, tolerantly so; a country that, unlike so many in its neighborhood, has bravely stuck to its traditions of letting discordant voices sing; a country that welcomes foreign seekers (of yoga poses, of spiritual wisdom, of ancestral roots) with open arms; a country where, outside the elite world of South Delhi and South Bombay, I have not heard an Indian ask whether outsiders have a right to write, think or exist on their soil.”

Sometimes reading this is like #fortheloveofsweetfluffyunicornsWAI?WAI? and sometimes it’s #LAWL. Stereotypes are like that, the incompleteness gives you ample room to laugh and cry also. Anyway, this is also the first time I have seen someone use their column in the New York Times to get emo about an unfavorable book review in The Indian Express. THE INDIAN EXPRESS YOU GAIZ!!!! Who knew TIE had this kind of powerful powers? Although I once heard that The New Indian Express, which is The Indian Express but not really, was promoting gay homosexual mafia lifestyles and people were turning into big flaming gaymos just by touching the paper. I think it’s a real shame that these people were not able to tell us all about their feelings in a New York Times column too also. 

I just want to say some one or two number things about some things in general. These are not about anyone involved in the abovementioned emodrama. So please don’t leave comments saying I’m like so racist to IndianAmericans or whatever because I am old and I am tired and I can’t watch RuPaul anymore. 

“Who gets to write about India?"
So let me see if I understand this. We’re not going to talk about how the clear and obvious answer to this question is EVERYBODY gets to write about India!!!111! We’re not going to talk about how EVERYBODY has been writing about India for a very long time because it’s a very lucrative and exciting thing to do and it makes people think you’re sexy but not like in a whorish, penicillin kind of way. We’re not going to talk about how privileged peeps often decide they want to write about something subaltern and haut like India and they just do it because the question 'who gets to write about India' is such a non issue to them like I can't even say, although it often comes in handy AFTER the thing has been written. Instead, we’re going to talk about how the question ‘who gets to write about India?’ is now going to be about how these people’s entitlement to write about India is somehow being threatened and this oppression is like totally oppressing them and they haz a sad? Didn’t all this drama already happen on Racefail? Does anyone else read the word Racefail and hear the words 'rice fail' in their head? Whatever, imma just put this under ‘things I don’t understand, like really’, right beside ‘I don’t understand India’s violent love for Michael Jackson that makes Indian ads use MJ clones even though he is dead and was like child molesty and stuff’

Let Us Blame You And Me For Everything
There is the big fight of ‘oh my god you totally stereotyped everything’ versus ‘i SO did not, you only stereotyping stereotyper’. And because that fight is so big, maybe we’re not really paying attention to this idea that maybe we’re far more prone to stereotype than we’d like to believe. We like to enter this conversation with a very firm belief that we just CAN’T do that because we are awesome, which is maybe why we get upset when people say that’s what we’re doing. But stereotyping is unfortunately not a white, first world thing though it really feels like it should be, no? It is a people thing and because writers are people, this means that they can also stereotype. Seriously. I mean, like really. I’m not kidding. I don’t understand why this is so hard to grasp, it’s like people getting all #LIESANDPROPAGANDA about those fucking pie charts about gender disparity in publishing. Anyway, I also want to say that while I’m not a fan of Indian Exotica, I understand it has its own place in the India experience and has its meaning. Like the money it generates has meaning. There are many Indian experiences and identities and authenticities and all of them are right and there will always be people saying all of them are wrong also. Why because means this is India, it is a big motherfucking country with lots of stuff in it. Maybe we would have a lot less trouble if all of us made an effort to not think of India as something that needs to explained or can be readily explained, like it is a onenumber foot. India is not a foot.

Anyway, I also want to say that all of this is everyone’s fault. It’s not my fault though because I’m not from here so it has nothing to do with me.

This doesn't really have anything to do with anything but once upon a time, I had no idea that NRI FOB jokes existed. NRI FOB jokes as in making fun of NRIs who are fresh off the boat with their water bottles and white socks and that unique mixture of arrogance and bewilderment which is like having a target painted on your forehead. Of course NRIs make fun of FOBs the other way round because that’s a big part of the NRI experience. Back in the day, we called them Fresh Of The Boaters. I don’t know what Boaters are or why we said that. The only possible explanation I can offer is that we were Canadian and it was the eighties. Anyway so I heard funny and also mean stereotypes/jokes/cultural critique by Indians about NRI FOBs. And I have to say, it was weird because half of me was laughing because it was really funny and the other half of me was sad and offended. I was laughing at myself and being offended with myself at the same time. That was hard to do, mainly because I’m used to doing only one of those things at a time. Anyway.

Hay Gaiz! Mai Country Welcomes Foreign Seekers Of Yoga Poses!
Ok, this I actually took from the article. The last six words of the above sentence, to be precise. I just think this should be a on a t-shirt. I really do. 


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