Sunday, March 27, 2011

don't let them take it all 'cause you know they're going to take it all they seem so far from you but really they're close to you

This blog post title is taken from a song called Children by EMF and it just seemed like the right thing to do so there it is. So many things have happened you gaiz. Elizabeth Taylor died. Blaft sold out (allegedly). Then I have a new story up at the Michigan Quarterly Review called The Underground Bird Sanctuary. It is about zombie birds in Vedanthangal. It's not, actually. Then certain internet slangs were added to the Oxford English dictionary. And some people got really emo about that. Like, REALLY emo. Like batches be trippin' about how Shakespeare and a variety of other dead white dudes are now turning in their graves, screaming in their graves and doing the splits in their graves because LOL is now in the dictionary. I feel like because I write in English (allegedly) I need to say WE’RE SO SORRY WE LET YOU DOWN DEAD WHITE DUDES!111 The threat of the bad Englishes is upon us, batches! Don't let them take it all! 'Cause you know they're going to take it all! They seem so far from you! But really they're close to you!

Also I watched a movie you gaiz! Not about dudes getting fucked by horses. This one was called The Louly Bones. From what I could understand, and I did not understand much, this movie was Lord of the Rings but except there was a young girl in it whose main purpose was to strike Neo-esque poses to remind us of another great movie, called The Matrix. Then also there was a Heavens which apparently is mainly filled with murdered white women. I always knew that’s what heaven would be like you gaiz!11  But perhaps most interesting of all is the fact that this story had an Indian boy in it. YAY INDIA SUCH A GREAT HOLLYWOOD FINALLY UNDERSTANDING GREATNESS OF ALL THE INDIANS JAI HIND!!!!1111111!11 This Indian boy kissed a white girl on the lips you gaiz. That is very unIndian. I’m so conflicted about this you gaiz. Then I watched movie called Orphan. Arfan is the natural progression of Russian commie villain to Russian demon child girl person orphan type thing that plays the piano because she is Russian and who is not child girl person either really. Or something. I think the moral of this movie was not to adopt Russians. And I feel like maybe certain members of our philim community who are currently decanting young Russians in the hopes of casting them as the white girl in their next movie should take note. DON’T DO IT YOU GAIZ BE INDIAN BUY INDIAN!!11

So while I can no longer watch RuPaul, I have been following this tumblr with avid avidness because it is FIERCE! See?

from here
YARA DON’T LET THE BATCHES DISRESPECT YOUR LANGUAGES YOUR ENGLISH IS VERY WELL LOOKING DARLING IT REALLY IS!!111

Now I want to talk about how last time, I gave a very special shoutout to some of my real life peeps who are now lounging on the prickly bed of unemployment. And I feel like maybe the advices I gave in the last post were not very complete and they may have been not very useful also. So I am now going to provide some useful employment advices for your face, real life peeps. Even though you don’t really read this blog. And you are currently unemployed also so how employment advices will help you I can’t say. If you ever get employed again, you can remember all these precious things and win at life because life is about #winning, you gaiz. 

Scenario #1- You call in sick because for realz, you feel like now would be a really good time to die and even though the floor is very dirty and running with numerous lines of red ants, it’s looking like the most comfortable place on earth right now and you'd really just like to curl up in the fetal position on said floor and die. And then the asshole on the other end of the phone says ‘Kindly take the appropriate medication and come to office.’

Do Not Say- What in the name of all that is good and holy on this green earth made you think you could tell me to ‘take the appropriate medication and come to office.’ Do I look like one of those people who ‘take the appropriate medication and come to office’? Has anything I have ever done in my illustrious career made you think oh, well she’ll just take the appropriate medication and come to office! If so, are you on drugs? What exactly is the ‘appropriate medication’ anyway? What could I possibly take to make coming to work a little easier on me, even on a good day? Crack? Are we allowed to do crack and come to work now? Please send me a memo regarding this with information regarding the same. In conclusion, I will conclude by saying that if you ever. EVER. Tell me to ‘Kindly take the appropriate medication and come to office.’, I will hunt you down and set you on fire.

Scenario #2-  You are caught by that sleazefuck who cannot hold a conversation with you without touching you because even though you’ve made it quite clear you do not want to be touched, they have made it equally clear they really want to keep touching you. Then when you try to sidle away they say things like ‘Hey relax! Why are you so tense? You’re not tense, are you? Come on, don’t be like that. You know I like you. Just relax, ok?’, thus sounding like a pedophile and making everything much much worse for your face.

Do Not Say- How much porn are you watching for you to think that this is going to have some kind of #winning result for you? Because something made you think that you could talk to me like I’m 12 years and you’re trying to get into my pants like that’s a #winning thing, right? What did you think I would do, clap and go ‘GOOD JOB!!1’? Is the bowchikkabowwow music supposed to start playing somewhere above our heads about now? At what point in these proceedings do I start stapling your reproductive organs to your forehead? Because I really feel like that needs to happen. I feel like that’s something I can make happen for you.

Scenario # 3- For the 876th year in a row, the office has decided to give you an armpit handbag for your happybirthday.

Do Not Say- It’s not often that I wish I had a penis. But right now, I kinda wish I had one because people in this office who have penises get CDs, books, gift certificates and neat stuff like that for their birthdays. And it’s great to see that all that money I can’t afford to give goes for neat birthday presents for cool peeps with penises, many of whom I don’t like and who don’t like me also. I know all of you pitched in a lot and made a lot of sacrifices to get me this plastic armpit handbag that looks like it cost…oh, maybe 4 rupees. And I totally understand how it is with us ladies, our ladyparts are always screaming out ARMPIT HANDBAG and that can be very deafening so naturally you are just getting us what we want. Anyway, I also want to say how much I appreciate this moldering piece of hardened vomit here which someone informs me is a pizza. And this lump of gawdhelpus which I thought was a collection of dead kittens but apparently is a cake. Also cheers for this flat and tepid orange drink which tastes like naphthalene, possibly because it’s been in that cupboard since 1997.

Anyway you gaiz, I won’t be blogging next month. I should be back in May. If I’m not back in May, I should be back in June. If not June, then July. And so on and so on. Hopefully it will be May but then again, man proposes but the god disposes. And so homibabas, I leave you with two things. One is this song called Hostage-O by Warren Zevon which is kinda emo but whatever. Two, I leave you with these words of wordings which you can remember when people try to dim your sparkles.

from here



carry on, batches

15 comments:

Anonymous said...

What do you mean you won't be blogging in May? What will we do? How will we survive?????????????

kuzhali manickavel said...

my dearest anonymous, you will survive
as long as you know how to love
I know you will stay alive
you've got all your life to live
you've got all your love to give
and you'll survive
you will survive

also you can take a lot of drugs

also dont do drugs. drugs are bad

shruti said...

hey hey hey
Hello there! A coherent mail sometime maybe, but had to write this now or maybe would burst. you'll see why--
I've been gone so long and in such depths of nobodywillgiveme a job,giveme abloody job youm**&ers for so long, and Isaw these super eyond belief duper stuff you've been putting out on this page, each time I was defeated by the pressure of writing something witty and sassy about what you'd said, which made me roll laughing, give you several thumbs up for doing some seriously needed calling out several people and many things important..but for lack of many things and 2 hearts and otherthings, I never could.write. And sortoffelt bad about that also. added to my writing-feelings, that is about writing-- that is a bucket of deep sad, most inappropriate to share. :( But, to get back, there's so much that I wanted to go hahahaha, and well said and congratulations for pointing to the fallen trousers, calling out that, and pointing out that other everyday day-stealers that I'll just try to list them. let's see: amar singh, ru paul,othering, women writing, men writing,the Im so mad little girl ( although lassie looks away in affected uncaring),ru paul, english, ouryoursmyenglish, correct english,all them cool bitches in make up, the misogynist woman(haha,good on youfor calling out),more othering(stop doing itwedontlikeit) ru paul and now when I come back, still much mooning over no job yet by any mf***&er, I have bills(for real), I see this post dedicated to those real life peeplets currently on prickly bed of unemployment. I dont know if theirs is short term, or how they came by it, but I offer my drink to share in heartfelt sympathy, but it is Very Very prickly and painful... and worse becauseit is constant. hmm.The funny thing is how people try to tell you that it's a small thing you're deprassed about, hell, there are bills to pay for real and plus, the other BIG grief, how do you make the space to even try to do something like write, when basic money, surviving is so bloody difficult? why doesnt anyone speak of this? and the fact that you're not able to write deprasses further. dont worry, havent had my medication today, tis all.

a special flying kiss to the you mad guy, what a long way he's come from dancing at that all-girls meeting of something against something and he didnt even get to dance, and RU PAUL!!! I used to LOVE Ru paul. I didnt know what happened to her and didn't know she was still there and mainly canNot believe tehre exists anyone who loved her and my god of wonders, is talking abouther now! shister, cleary from same tim period on planet, how gladdens it my heart and jumps like end of string bobbing over stones on path(what's in front, er I dont know) that someoneone stilllvoes ru paul. and ma god, she is alive and well and still kicking ass.ha. is there a bar in your templetown where we can drink to her?
On a very serious note, (as it is important for coversations(?) to take serious turns to prove one is intelligent)--what IS THIS SHOW where you get to watch ru paul and other drag queens, apparently slinging it out day in and day out in tv wonderland, while I dont know about any such thing? how do you get this show in your temple town, in the same country?? and I didnt know there anything such, and so wondrous, and oh. how has htis happened? what show is this and how can I see it? please do some light shedding.{ps: I could've googled for this in these months but since I havent done much about even getting job...you can see why I am still ignorantin laziness.) so tell, and put healing balm, not zandu obviously.
so, many hot appams and beer to you I say.
and I cannot believe anyone else even saw 'the lovely bones'. On it, what you've said is I think enufsaid. All I remember is I watched it in themiddle of a weekday afternoon, which cemented my loserness. sigh.

shruti said...

I'd like a job also so I can apply all the super advice you've given people with jobs.

Chettinad Cowgirl said...

Thank you for the wordings.
As of today,Seriously, they have changed me forever.
I have been looking hi and lo,
East and West,
In the Godrej bureau and in the chest (of drawers- like a furniturez not like a personal ladies drawers aka foundation garments as old Aunties are wont to call dem.)
To find a personal motto that would suit my needs best.
Till now only failure!
But you are my savior and gave to me this wording gift!
Thank you, Thank you, Madam K, Please allow me to garland you with my imaginary but heart felt, 40kg, yet to be fully opened roja poo blossom malai.
If you do not speak, May will be bleak.

kuzhali manickavel said...

@linkless shruti- OHAI!11 how nice to see you again I say :) I am very sad to hear about your unemploymentz and wish I had some employment to give you. also, I WUV RUPAUL!!1 I am so pleased to hear you wuv her too, we must speak of her more often because I feel I don’t talk about her enough on this blog. The show I keep obsessing about is RuPaul's Drag Race and she also has another slightly cheesier show called Drag U. Logo TV offered all the shows for free on their site till about…this month I think? Yeah, now they've blocked it for nonUS viewers so that sorta broke my heart and stuff. But seek and ye shall find and thou shalt be healed through the power of RuPaul because when she says 'you betta WERQ' it might send positive employment vibes your way. I hope you will be able to apply these good employment advices soon to yours life also. so be not of the sad faces.

One day we shall sit with the alcohol
and speak of our love for the great RuPaul


@chettinad cowgirl- HAY!11 i also wrote pome for your face :)

I am glad you liked the wordings
even though they aren't mine
I stole them from some hoardings
that's a lie, I just used to rhyme
I am also louing this motto
it sounds fab when it is said
and it's so much way much better
than that stupid 'I'll sleep when I am dead'

that’s such a stupid thing to say. I'll sleep when I'm dead. I'll sit down when I'm dead. I'll go to the bathroom when I'm dead. wtf?

also im not blogging in april but should be back in may. or june. hopefully may.

Madhuri Maram/iruhdam said...

Woah! I'm gonna miss your blog posts! It's the only thing that would cheer me up! :(

on the other hand you should check this! :D
http://dearblankpleaseblank.com/

shruti said...

!!! Hey back to you!
The show was there and off? ??
I'm brought all the way to the gates and they clang down shut inches from my nose? Logo tv, why, why, why? In current purpleness, this will not go down well in this evening's UnempA meeting. But we will bear, and I will emerge sound I assure you. Thank you for your sad on my joblessness. most appreciated. Yes, I wish you had a job to give me too.
But now that there's rupaul back and yuvar kindwords, I will try to remove my sadface only.
ah what poetry I say. pyur poetry. I'll take the betta werq and put in other parts of my life for allround improvement.that will please many if not the landlord. but no matter. no job, hokay,bring it on *coy* badgirls.(we mustnt say that word ya)
ru paul, have longlife, I will hit drink for you. K, one day, we shall.

kuzhali manickavel said...

@ Madhuri Maram/iruhdam- that is a so much the epic site, thangyou :) also dont afraid, i will come back in the return

@shruti- dude, if you had asked me about the show like last month you could have seen. that is how much justmiss you are. but you always be with the smiling face. also you can see to this tumblr for great drag queens and gifs and rupaul and things like that which are awesome.

http://fuckyeahrupaulsdragrace.tumblr.com/

shruti said...

oh man. what to do, but its ok, justmiss is familiar territory.
i will see to the lota right now, tanks I say. enjoy the break.)
hey I hear, kavi kala of the mandali fellows is doing very well. I haven't been able to get hold of a copy yet.

kuzhali manickavel said...

oh ess, these mandali engsters did phust rank job, fullimpress i am :) i think you can order it online if you cant find it elsewhere, you can go here

http://www.dogearsetc.com/

and type in 'Kavi Kala'. or you can maybe harass them on facebook.

Madhuri Maram/iruhdam said...

haha! :D glad you likey it! :D

I'm so proud I contributed to Kavikala! :D

kuzhali manickavel said...

you should be so proud and also all the mandali engsters should be so proud also i say!

scherezade said...

Cómo estás.Gracias for the email. I was the touched.
No one ever gives me anything for my birthday. No wait, this one time some one bought me an aloe vera plant. But that is not important now. It never was.
But you must blog.I'll have withdrawal symptoms and I'd be all like Leo in the Basketball Diaries, a snivelling little turnip.
This blog is my heroin!
And as it is a well known fact, one cant speedball without heroin. So please to be blogging soon.
(What was he addicted to? Heroin? Crack? Who cares really. Bottomline is we all knew that someday he'd grow up and sink a ship.)

p.s.: Bernat Quintana. BERNAT QUINTANA.

kuzhali manickavel said...

cómo estás, homi! i am so glad to see you back and owe you a mail, no? yes. also when is your birthday, please to tell so i can not give you an aloe vera plant. universewilling, i will be back in the return soon so DONT DO DRUGS OK YOU GAIZ DRUGS ARE BAD!!1111

ps bernat quintana sometimes looks like johnny depp, no?

 

kuzhali manickavel Design by Insight © 2009