Sunday, March 20, 2011

‘I like your nose don’t forget me’

This blog post title has been appropriated from an illustrious person’s illustrious school autograph book. I feel like this is a good autograph to give, even if you don’t really like the other person’s nose. Other autograph book illuminatiquotes include

Your friendship fills my body like sweet poison 
(k- very emo, no? I’m not sure this is something one should tell their friends also. If a friend told me this I'd be like, I'm not sure you should tell me that.)

Drink hot coffee drink hot tea burn your lips and think of me 
(k- again, very emo. I feel like people were very emo in smalltempletown school autographbooks)

Man proposes but the god disposes 
(k- why would you write this in someone’s autographbook? but also it's very true also)

Also someone thoughtfully wrote the phone number of their aunt in Chennai in this illustrious school autograph book because…I don’t know. Although back in the day, Chennai was Madras and some girls would go to Madras and have ice cream there and come back and tell us all about it for weeks and weeks. 

Anywai, here are some things people said to me, some things that happened and some things that didn’t happen also. I feel like this is kind of how my life is like. But also not really.

mallu boys are asking shopuncle for ‘chilled cock’ #bowchikkabowwow

shopuncle says there is no ‘chilled cock’ only pepsi #cockblock

listening to illustrious person telling me the story of My Name Is Khan because that’s the one thing that’s been missing from my life for all my life

found a pen! going to try and write with it! #writingplan

the pen doesn't work you gaiz. oh whale. #writingplanfail

hopefully I’ll find a pencil next time #writingplanfornextyear

the pencil might be broken tho im so worried you gaiz writing is hard! #writinganxiety

according to mai fraand, My Name Is Khan is about that bombing that happened in america called 24/7 and that’s why srk was “a retarded muslim” in the movie #oscarwinning

bank is filled with small cottage industries ladies #agrovillagers

i am filling in bank forms for agrovillagers because i am scared of them. VILLAGERS ARE SCARY YOU GAIZ!!111 #educationwinning #everythingelsenotwinning

gaiz, remember actorkarthik and his moustache in ponnumani? what happened you gaiz? what happened to everything?

none of the agrovillagers have ponnumanimoustaches. sure sign of loss of tamil culture aping the west internet satellite television ruining engsters

agrovillagers have pushed me to the back of the line. i will be in the bank forever and ever #notwinning

i am going to die in this bank. they will find my desiccated carcass under a pile of outdated deposit challans #tellrupaulnottocryforme

i feel like RuPaul would really like me if she met me

i feel like RuPaul would be really disappointed if she met me

i feel like the chances of me ever meeting RuPaul are very slim so whatever #heartbreak

i am never going to the bank again. ever.

wearing headbandheadscarftypething. looking FIERCE HONEY FIERCE!!!111 #fabulous

from here
ok maybe not this fabulous. sorta fabulous. like, from far away. and stuff.

someone just said my headbandheadscarftypething makes me look like tea estate worker with the terminal illnesses wtf you gaiz!

ok maybe it does #succumbingtopeerpressure

we dans la maison! that’s canadian for we in da house! we’re actually not in our place of residence actually. we’ve entered someone else’s place of residence. anyway. #misleadingtweets

am i the only person here without a phone? i should have asked shopuncle if i could bring his payphone #swag #tardyfortheparty

these people wont let me carry around their landline around, wtf you gaiz! why wont they let me carry around a fone too you gaiz? #thispartysucks

'i knew this poet once. he had sex with everything.' 'with everything?' 'with EVERYTHING.' 'that must have hurt.' 'i know, right?' #ayehiphoppermujhepyartukar 

‘i find indian women boring. i don't know, maybe it's an indian thing’ #thanksforsharing #itsweirdwhenindianssaythingslikethis

from here
hay listen to manila luzon you gaiz! if you don’t like the women, try the men!

the wine is apparently NOT ruby wine. whatever

that awkward silence that follows the question 'in the song aye hip hopper, why does he call her a part-time knocker?'  

the bhangra version is pretty awesome tho. it isn’t actually. anyway. #makingthingsworse

i will pretty much listen to a bhangra remix of anything. o mai cheezuz i cant believe i actually said that out loud #makingthingsevenworser

i feel like there should be a bhangra remix of that song 'shake' thats not by kim kardashian. whats interesting is i felt like i couldnt possibly make things any worse and then i go and mention kim kardashian.

'it’s a tattoo of Krishna.’ ‘why does it look like throw-up?’ #importantquestions

from here
TELL ME AND DELTA WERK ALSO WE REALLY WANT TO KNOW WHY YOUR ALLEGED KRISHNA TATTOO LOOKS LIKE THROW-UP !!!1111!

someone’s gone to ask if they have the bhangra remix of aye hip hopper #kindredspirits

‘you think peeps are judging us for dancing like this to this song?’ ‘probably.’ #haterzgonnahate #dancingwithkindredspirits #dontbejealousofmyboogie

none of us seem to be able to say hip hopper. we keep saying hip hop her wtf is wrong with us you gaiz?!!

now we are saying heep hop har. this is either because we are indian or because we’ve been drinking.

rum and bovonto just isn’t the same without the bovonto #ilovebovontoreallyimnotkidding

i miss all my friends where are you gaiz? how come you don’t talk to me anymore? was it because i never could make my mind up about front seat back seat? IM SO SORRY YOU GAIZ!

yesterday was thursday today it is friday we we we so excited we so excited we gonna have a ball today tomorrow is saturday and sunday comes afterwards #rebeccablackftw #daysoftheweek

abcdefghi - jklm - nopqrstuvwx - yz. i love you.  #humsaathsaathhainftw #thealphabet

going around saying ‘whatswongwitzyoomin’ because i’m a winner #winning #baptistegiabiconiwantstoknowwhatswongwitzyoomin

someone just asked me if i’m “from mizoram or something” because i’m going around saying ‘whatswongwitzyoomin’  #soracist #baptistegiabiconiisnotfrommizoramyougaiz

everyone seems really happy we’re leaving. possibly because now they can stop playing aye heep hop har on loop. #rosemilkparty

we’re watching a movie! it’s called Zoo! we are excited you gaiz. because we like zoos and hopefully there will be vampires also.

why does the cover have a horse on it? we are concerned you gaiz

we are flabbergasted to learn that this movie is about a guy who died after being fucked by a horse. we feel like we should stop watching but we really want to watch also. we’re so gross you gaiz. #shameshamepuppyshame

this movie is like being on drugs. it’s like being in a car and being stoned and watching the scenery and someone is talking to you and you keep waiting to see a horse have sex with a dude but it never happens. well it kinda does. i feel sorry for the horse even though the dude died. ok i feel bad he died also. i feel bad for everything you gaiz.

actorkarthik you gaiz! why doesn’t anyone remember his moustache in ponnumani? i don’t understand. it’s like i hardly know you gaiz anymore you gaiz.


Special shout out to my peeps who are now newly unemployed, O MAI GOD DONT SELL YOUR KIDNEYS YOU GAIZ, OK?!!!?? Because some of you may only have the one. And if you sell that also, you might die or something. JUST DON'T DO IT, KAY? Here are some other helpful tips for your face, mainly because I know none of you read this blog.

1. Do not go out with your disappointing gay best friend because that will be disappointing for your face and unemployment is disappointing enough as it is. If you absolutely must go out, try to go with a homosexual that is willing to really werq that fag bangle thang so you can feel fabulous.

2. Listen to this spanish version of the song 'Mickey' because it's catchy but slightly sloppy. Like unemployment! Not like unemployment. I don't know why I said that. Also don't listen to the spanish version of this song sung by small kids because you can get in trouble for doing that kind of thing on the internet.

3. Say 'Oh, Mickey dónde estás? Cada vez me gustas mas' to someone whose name isn't Mickey. This isn't necessarily a fun thing to do. Anyway.

4. Don't say 'aye hip hopper mujhe pyar tu kar' to anyone because just because you're unemployed doesn't mean you have to do that kind of thing, kay?

You're always a winner to me you gaiz!

konichiwa batches

16 comments:

GayDAD said...

phurst

Aishwarya said...

I was very worried that you did not update your blog yesterday. I thought that maybe you have not listened to the Rebecca Black song and therefore did not know that Saturday comes after Friday (and Sunday comes after). Then I thought that what if you are listening to the song too much and even yesterday thought it was Friday Friday. Then I got tired of thinking about the song.

Which is to say means I missed you. And also this proficiency with hashtags means you are having no excuse for avoiding twitter.
But mostly I missed you.

(In my autograph book someone wrote "You and *mybestfriend* look good together". Then I had to explain that not like that, we were just friends.)

kuzhali manickavel said...

@GayDAD- #winning

@ aishwarya- ohai mai fraand! i have to admit, i was very focused on friday friday gotta get down on friday that i totally forgot about saturday and how sunday comes afterwards. i feel like i was struggling with a lot of front seat back seat issues as well. if i ever get a chance to write in your autograph book, i will say yours fraandship fills my body like sweet poison #veryawkwardthingtosayinacomment #notwinning #shouldhavejustsaidilikeyournose

Sharanya said...

Actually, come to think of it, I think I much prefer one long hashtag-filled post of yours to many little hashtag-appended tweets. I know lots of people have been campaigning to get you on Twitter. But this proves that you are, once again, too cool for that school too.

Rukmini said...

I'm here because Aishwarya is an excellent pimp and also I thought you should know that your blog posts make me emit strange dolphin noises in public! I also vote that we revive autograph books because I've never obtained blackmail material so efficiently since high school!

Chettinad Cowgirl said...

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Sugar is sweet
And so are you.

That was quite a classic in the old 'ey sign in my autograph book'days.
I am yet to see a real 'violet' flower and also on the internetz they are looking more purple than blue but then I am not a flower expert...also this one flashes in the mind, which was super scandalous in the seventh standard
"If all the boys lived across the sea.
What a great swimmer_________ would be"! In the blank you had to fill in the name of the girl in who's autograph book you were writing.
Your post revived me today fully.Tanks.

Anonymous said...

You really love Bovonto? Really no kidding? If you have not already, you should try this super awesome cola-ish-thing we discovered in Sivakasi called EYE BRAND (கண் மார்க்). It is like Bovonto but 100x better. It is AWESOME.

WiseDonkay said...

This post has brought back so many memories for me, like Hum Saath Saath Hain, Aye Hip Hopper and RoseMilk parties. But most importantly, it reminded me that I too, yes I too have an autograph book.

I remember that once upon a time when I was an engster in Tenztandard, I used to have a crush on this girl who was also in Tenztandard, and at that time getting a girl to sign your autograph book (or Slam book as we called it) and doing vice versa was equivalent to becoming boyfriend-girlfriend with them. So I gave her mine and she gave me hers (Slam book only).

I should have bolted when she wrote 'All songs of Boyzone' under favorite song, but worse still was advice to me 'Live life king size, taking risks and enjoying and dont trust anyone'.

Later she and I became girlfriend-boyfriend and she never let me take risks or live life king size if you know what I mean *wink wink*

She did dump me without notice, which means the 'dont trust anyone' was honest.

Ironically the last entry in the book (written after we became girlfriend-boyfriend) reads 'have self control, dont bad company (sic) and f**k off ASAP from your life'

In conclusion #slambooksareprophetic

kuzhali manickavel said...

@ sharanya- ohai! im mainly not on twitter because i feel like i should avoid being big phailface on yet another social networking platform. but saying im too cool for it works for me also #twittercanthandlemeyall #icanthandletwitteractually #icantevenhandlepressurecookers

@rukmini- ohai! you mean the aishwarya whose fraandship fills my body like sweet poison? i feel like it was awkward enough saying it the first time and now i have gone and said it again. but yes, i also move we bring back autograph books because it is like sweet poison in our bodies. i need to stop saying this. #stoptalkingaboutbodiesandsweetpoison #dolphinsoundsarehaut

@chettinad cowgirl- OHAI!!1! where you have been, i have missed your face! i feel like 'If all the boys lived across the sea. What a great swimmer_________ would be"! is for all the public girls, no? and boys also! #everyoneshouldswim

@anonymous- i really no kidding love bovonto. i have seen this கண் மார்க் that you speak of, i shall try it next time. though how it can beat bovonto in awesomeness, i cannot fathom #bovontoiloveyourface

@wisedonkay- 'Live life king size, taking risks and enjoying and dont trust anyone' i feel like any one of these things is bad enough. all three one after another is like asking to be invited to neverending rosemilk party. also, i feel like 'fuck off ASAP from your life' should be on a t-shirt #sleepwhenyourdeadisanotherstupidthingpeoplewriteinautographbooks

Iruhdam Maram said...

Nostalgia round, eh? :P

I remember I had this kutti(small) slam book which me sent around to get everyone's numbers and it ended up in the teachers' cupboard never to come out again. anyways.

me a Big fan of Paneer Soda! :D

kuzhali manickavel said...

this is very sad. i bet the teacher kept the slam book and pretended it was hers. i bet she did.

Anonymous said...

Hey your Thirumavallavan is writing his name all over the walls in my neighborhood. Can you tell him I think his red and blue colour scheme was okay but this new lime yellow he is using as border outline is kinda pukey.

Anonymous said...

I wonder what this guy's slam book will look like:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uWD0vMrCc6Y

kuzhali manickavel said...

@anonymous1- this is very unfortunate. maybe the lime yellow makes the red and blue pop a little tho. also, I feel like I need to make it very clear that he is not my Thirumavallavan.

@anonymous2- did he just say he was 'the peak of fabulosity?' #winning #theyshutdownthefactorywhentheycreatedzachary

Muttakose said...

I was wondering what the odd, guttural sound I was emitting involuntarily after discovering your blog last night and reading it for hours on end was and now thanks to Rukmini's comment, I can heave a human sigh of relief.
I live in a kuti town in upper midwestistan with nary a temple in sight ( actually, it's not true there are temples aplenty stateside), biting arctic winds and your writing was just the sort of Amrutanjan I needed. Your writing also goes very well with marijuana and yum nua.
ps: I thought the louly bones was lovely. white poverty chic maybe indie philm gold here but fuck it- I still likey.
okbai

kuzhali manickavel said...

ohai! you have a neat name #winning. thank you for saying nice things and reading my blog, i appreciate so much. i think someone else also said my writing was like drugs. or it made them feel like taking drugs. or it gave them a headache. or something. anyway.

 

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