Sunday, June 19, 2011

‘if I were a man, I’d be in the boy’s club, I would be so masculine, I’d conquer all the ladies with force or gallantry, I’d hold you in my arms just so that you could hold me, if I were a man, if I were a man I’d like to meet somebody like me’

This blog post title is brought to you by the song If I Were a Man by Andrea Menard. I like this song because I sometimes think that if I were a man, I would like to meet someone like me also. If I were a man, I would also read about how India is among the top five worst places for women and be like hahaha bitches and I'd also be superglad that I’m a man. Anyway, this song is on the Queer as Folk series soundtrack. I like a lot of songs from that show. I also like Gale Harold from that show. 

This is Gale Harold shaking his head.

This is the Fuck Yeah Gale Harold tumblr

This is Surya in Singam which has nothing to do with Gale Harold whatsoever.


And now, because this is a blog that likes to get whiny about inauthenticity, privilege and white people, this is where we stop talking about Gale Harold and Surya and start talking about how the Gay Girl in Damascus is not even gay, not even a girl and not even in Damascus. Even though this well-intentioned little oopsie has made things worse for the real LGBTQ bloggers in Syria, Mr. MacMasters is real sorry yougaiz. And I think it's way clear from his awesome nonapology that he just HAD to pretend to be a gay girl in Damascus because no one listens to straight, white dudes who are possibly the most disenfranchised, oppressed and voiceless people in the world. They can’t even get on those awesomebook lists people keep putting out because those lists are like OVERFLOWING with colored women of exotic sexual orientations. It’s like a big queer uterus festival. POOR STRAIGHT WHITE DUDES!!111 Who will listen to their words? Who will read their books? Because there was supposed to be a book, like a memoir typething which you can read all about at Minal Hajratwala’s blog. And here is an excerpt from said fictionmemoirtypething.

-Now, Hajj Musa tried to take Nashqua to his bed for she enraptured him. She refused him, saying that, though she was a servant now, she had been born free in her own land and was of an ancient noble lineage; if he would have her, he would need first to ask for her hand and do all things properly. She was no slave and would be no man’s doxy.-

Ok. Let us now move on to other nondoxy things because that little excerpt made me feel somewhat also. SoAnywaiz, the peepal at Blaft updated their blog. This is something they don’t usually do and when they do, it’s sometimes about invertebrates or slogans people write on children’s clothing like hai! American Express CutieSweetie. This time, Blaft posted about this.

*sniff* Sorrygaiz. I read this and I just think of Mrs. Mortimer and the tears flow like Mother Ganga down my third world Indian face. Anywaiz, this rhyme is like the most Indian thing evar yougaiz. Seriously. You go to some Indian house in India filled with Indian children and their Indian parents say ‘RHYMES SOLLU!!’ and these Indian children open their Indian mouths and talk about having blue eyes and being VERYfair. Then you turn to the Indian parents and say what the fuck yougaiz? And the Indian parents smile fullpridetypes and shrug and click their teeth and say ‘oh it’s just a rhyme!’ and they generally beam at you like they just diarrheaed thousand rupee notes all over the floor.

Is it weird that Indian children in 2011 are still reciting nursery rhymes that were all the rage in England in the 18th century? Of course not! Watte crapnonsense you are talking! We are Indians! We ADORE 18th century English things, especially if they are racist. If at any moment you feel uneasy about this fuckwitted piece of poesy, kindly restore your Indianess and sense of balance by remembering the following-

  1. One should never get emotional about simple nurseryrhyme when in India so many poor people are dying and women are wearing pants and doing slutwalks, thus eroding our Indian culture and causing foreign media to write negatively about us, saying we are the fourth worst country in the world for women when we are A-1 country jaihind!111
  2. It’s not like nursery rhymes are made of words. And even if they were, it’s not like these words have any meaning. And even if they do, it’s not like a little kid is going to understand anything anyway because little kids are stupid. (I have found that this is often followed by 'Don’t you dare say the word ‘stupid’ around my kids or I will kill your face.')
  3. It is very important for our teaching methods and literature to remain rooted in the 18th century because that was just a really great time to be alive and it is the only way for our country to grow and prosper in 2011. Also, as I said earlier, kids are stupid.
  4. So many people in this country have learned this rhyme as a child and all of them now have best friends 'who are dark'. This is because at the tender age of three, these awesome people were like ‘I might be wagging my head and going ‘curly hair, VERY fair’ but I KNOW bitches be trippin’ ya’ll. Who ya finna try, who ya finna try, who ya finna? I bet it ain't me, I bet it ain't me bitch.
You know what’s neat tho? One of the excerpts from the aforementioned NonGay NonGirl’s TotallyNotLivingInDamascus’ memoirbooktypething is

‘The whole time, I was noticing how mature and pretty she was; long, wavy golden hair tied up in a bun, bright blue eyes, an almost pinkish face and a woman’s body, just the way that I wished that I looked.’

It’s the teacher’s pet yougaiz! She grew up into hot blondehairedblueeyed woman and- actually, you know what? I’m sorry. Because these two things have absolutely nothing to do with each other and I just went and connected them in such an irresponsible way and I’m just so sorry yougaiz. As a white dude from Finland, I shouldn’t even be writing about this stuff. So let us leave you with

French and Saunders Reading a Madonna Interview  (there are too many awesome lines here. TOO MANY)


from here


scherezade said...

I really want to contribute to a healthy discussion on this esteemed blog post, however, - BALIAN BUSCHBAUM!

kas;:akhakjs! gah!

Here -

Girls make better boys, my mother said after seeing this.

kuzhali manickavel said...

oh MY!

altho i feel you articulate this so much better when you say, and i quote, 'HOLY FUCKING MOTHER OF CORN. IN THE NAME OF ALL CRUSADING BLACKSMITHS'

Aishwarya said...

Here is my well thought out comment on this post, on you, and on the improvement reading this has made to my day: <3

kuzhali manickavel said...

maifraand, here is my well thought out reply to your comment: <3

WiseDonkay said...

Ohai KM!! Phustly 'Curly Hair' kinda-sorta sounds like Kuzhali Hair no? (You have hair right? I have seen fullfull bald pictures of you on Google. Yes they have those up there!)

Also wtf is 'teeth within' supposed to mean? Obviously if teeth were outside it would be teacher's pet saber tooth no?

kuzhali manickavel said...

ohai! how it is i say! yes, i now have hair but it isn't curly and it isn't VERYfair. oh whale.

'teeth without' would be kinda neat, no? like the teeth are outside the child's mouth and then one day they proceed to eat the face or something. someone should write a nursery rhyme about that.

Sarpvinash said...

I saw the Telugu dub of Singam in a theatre that was in the middle of a graveyard.
Just so you know.

kuzhali manickavel said...


why was the theater in middle of graveyard? conversely, why was there a graveyard around the theater? what is the telugu word for singam? is that scene from the gif i posted superintense in telugu or does something get lost in translation?

so many questions yougaiz.


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