Monday, July 4, 2011

I hate scorpions and liars. I love ice cream and my mother.

Namaskaram Viewers! This blog post is little late but whatever. This blog post title is another one of those wonderful things sometimes found in old school/college autograph/slam books. This snazzy little thing is something I saw on a notebook cover.

A Hindoo pen is apparently some kind of antique pen and not a pen made out of Hindoos, which is disappointing because I think a pen made out of Hindoos would be superneat to have and show off to people also. Speaking of Hindoos, Out of Print magazine's mythology-inspired issue is out and includes a reprint of my story The Dolphin King. Speaking of dolphins, I would like to talk about some things I thought were interesting from my little corner of the world. They actually have nothing to do with dolphins and I’m sorry I misled you like that yougaiz. 

  1. We have a flyover and a Marry Brown which is why my templetown is now, and I quote “just like America”. The Marry Brown outlet here has pictures of massive white children on the wall. These massive white children are like the looming threat of American consumerism overpowering Indian culture and the everlingering presence of colonialism in Modern India. They are also like having oversized Children of the Corn staring down at you while you are trying to eat buffalo wings.  
  2. There is a marked absence of Shakeela and other sex padam posters which were always present in large and startling numbers in this smalltempletown when I was engster. And when I say ‘marked absence’ I mean I only saw one and someone was drying cow dung on it. Now there is marked profusion of posters for Improve Spoken English courses which I guess is kind of like sex padam because so many sex padams seemed to be called My English Teacher or My Tuition Teacher and for something totally different, My English Tuition Teacher.  

And now I am going to talk about SlutWalks because this just wouldn’t be a chickblog if I didn’t talk about SlutWalks yougaiz. The SlutWalk in Delhi had interesting and completely predictable effects on certain sections of our illustrious society. Some people who had hitherto been trying to wrap their heads around the novel idea that one should not call women sluts suddenly became superconfused and excited because the word ‘slut’ is very exciting. Other sections of society made the exceedingly clever observation that if women themselves are parading themselves as sluts, then why won’t they be treated as sluts? The aforementioned superconfused contingency took a great deal of comfort from this observation and now these two sections of society are like bee eff effs yougaiz.  The ‘SlutWalk joke’ was born and quickly distinguished itself as a very unique breed of humor where peeps got extremely emo and upset if you did not laugh at these jokes, even if they were mind-blowingly unfunny. People also defended general assholic behavior by either saying they had a uterus or they knew someone who had a uterus which is not that interesting when you consider that this is pretty much a template defense for…everything.

I have to say that this adorably bizarro behavior reminded me of the reactions that often happen when you make the mistake of telling certain people that you have been sexually harassed or as we prefer to call it here, “eve-teased”. Ideally, one should never speak of these things because one, it is very Western-y and feminist-y when women talk about “eve-teasing”, especially when they insist on calling it sexual molestation or sexual harassment, thus making the whole thing very sexual and sexy. Secondly, saying that you were groped or grabbed means that you were basically asking for it in some way- for instance, maybe you were walking down the road or riding the bus or breathing. I think we can agree that many women, especially in India, are guilty of breathing. Thirdly, and this seems to be a more modern brand of thought, issues only become all gross and issue-y when you refuse to ‘see the humor’ and decide to make them an issue. This is why we should all start laughing at rape jokes because laughing at rape means it no longer becomes an issue and the last thing we need is for rape to be an issue yougaiz.

Anywaiz, all of this what-the-fuckery reminded me that people say some really bizarre shit to explain sexual harassment. Here are some of the tiptop wtf reasons I have heard for why women get “eve-teased”

1.      You Speak English
In my corner of the world, ‘English padam’ means sex padam, so I think that means that on some level, English means sex. So if you are a woman and you say something in English, you are basically saying sex sex sex sex sex sex sex which is possibly what incites men to grab your breasts on public transportation. This of course does not apply to dudes because dudes who speak English are awesome yougaiz and everyone wants to be their friend and no one wants to grab their tits, which must be superconvenient when you want to ride the bus and stuff like that.

2.      You Are Unmarried
Marriage is the best way to fend off sexual harassment because you know what happens when you get married to a dude? This magic force field grows all around you and if a guy tries to grope you, the force field makes the gropingdude's penis fall off. Seriously. This is why married women never get sexually harassed. Ever.

3.      Men Are Like That Only
Rape is just one of those things that all men are naturally inclined to do. Or something. I don't really understand that but thankfully Scott Adams does and he wrote the Dilbert comics and Dilbert is funny yougaiz. According to certain Tamil movies, this is another reason why women should marry men. Because it cures the inherently rapey tendencies all men have which the woman was trying to avoid in the first place which is why she gets married to a dude who by default has rapey tendencies because he is a dude. Or something. Sometimes Tamil movies are confusing yougaiz and you get the feeling that Scott Adams made them.

4.      You Are Arrogant
Female arrogance in general is apparently at the root of most bad things in the world today. For instance, that whole Maoist problem that is happening somewhere over there is really all about Arundhati Roy and how she’s like so arrogant yougaiz. I’m pretty sure that bird flu was created and perpetuated by arrogant chickens.

5.      You Have No Respect For Indian Culture
This is actually a deadly combination of female arrogance and speaking English, two of the most notoriously disrespectful disrespectations of Indian culture evar, with wearing pants coming in a close third. This is why women who wear traditional Indian dress are never sexually harassed evarevar. Also it is worth noting that if you speak English, wear pants and are a dude, you are #winning and also bravely upholding the tenets of Indian culture with your English and your pants.

And now, at the risk of showing further disrespect for Indian culture, I would like to wish a happy belated Canada Day to Canada, thank you for keeping it real and being so Canadian yougaiz. In your belated honor, I would like to dedicate musical numbers-

No moleste yougaiz. okbai.

stolen from here


Aishwarya said...

Ah, but Arundhati Roy is the one who spread seditious thoughts among the chickens.

(word verification is "ockdve". I am reading it as "ok dave".)

longblackveil said...

Baaahahahahahaaa! Good Lord, that was spectacular. Where are your feet. I want to fall at them and imbibe yuver awesomeness. Thank you. Very MUCH. *walks away crazy grinning*

Plangus said...

I demand a movement to institute yougaiz into our lexicon! It's memetic possibilities are staring us in the face!Thank you for being angry and funny. I can never be both.

Anonymous said...

yayy you are back, you are back...missed you so much..and reading your Dolphin King on outofprint


Meena said...

Super machaan.. say a big yay to the slutwalk and to all us slutties out there:))

Madhuri Maram/iruhdam said...


kuzhali manickavel said...

@aishwarya- this is so true. i personally can't think of anything more female-ly arrogant than spreading seditious thoughts among chickens yougaiz.

@longblackveil- thank you for reading and saying nice things :)

@plangus- thanks for reading :) also I think we should call said movement The Movement To Include Yougaiz into Our Lexicon Yougaiz!1111

@anonymous-yay, thanks for reading :)

@meena- thank you for reading :) and big shoutout to all the sluts out there doing slutty things like breathing

@Madhuri Maram/iruhdam- thangyoo! thangyoo!

Buratino said...

A lot of slam book entries back where I came from used to feature "girlfriend (not yet)" in the I-love section, besides mother and ice cream. You aren't seriously blaming the poor dears for the persistent not-yetness of the girlfriends, are you? :/

Geeta Charusivam said...

Some friend sent me a link to your blog today. It's satirical, funny, angry... you manage to combine all at once, mindblowing stuff... haven't come across such writing in ages. Great work Kuzhali, Thank you VERY MUCH.

kuzhali manickavel said...

@ buratino- oh yes, i had forgotten about the notyet boyfriends/husbands/girlfriends/wives listing. also the extremely illustrious individuals who listed 'god' and 'india' in their I-Love listing.

@ geeta charusivam- thank you very much for reading and saying nice things, much appreciated :)

The Restless Quill said...

This was wonderful :) I did a post on "eve-teasing" and sorely wish now that I had done it like this :). Splendid!

Rambo's Bimbo said...

You got sout-out!

kuzhali manickavel said...

@ the restless quill- thanks very much for reading and saying nice things:)

@ rambo’s bimbo- hay, that’s so neat yougaiz!!1 I am humbled and appreciating

scherezade said...

My pensive observations on this supergood post. (No fookin clue what pensive really means but I saw this article with a photo of Jung and it said - "Jung in pensive observation" and I am all like, hell yeah! I am getting all pensively observant somewhere today.)

I have some things to say but I think it will all come out wrongly.

This Hindoo pen is a naice idea for money making and I am forever in need of monies since prison therapy doesnt pay except with neem soaps.
It's not very difficult to do either. We need 2 aghori babas, a funeral pyre in varansi, a book by talbot mundy, an enterprising mont blanc retailer, some hindoos ..
I'd say the easiest of these would be procuring the Hindoos given that you are 1 hindoo and I am 2 hindoo and by virtue of that we should know other Hindoos. And like I said in an email, I am always born ready!

My mother is much like an ice cream sometimes. This can be explained by Particle Physics I suspect but my physicist friend is a dull dog. Then again, show me a physicist and I'll show you a dull dog etcetra.

English means sex? No wonder I am not getting any. My English is totally the fucked up only madame!

A lot of womens in therapy tell me bout being battered regularly by the husbands. Physical, emotional, mental violence. Does that count as domestic abuse still or it is being hip and all and co-opted S-n-M? I dunnos.
Colleague counseling a rape survivor took 6 weeks to help her family understand that marital rape is a real thing. Sigh.

Yeah, men is like that only yaar. Also, that joke about "when you are getting raped and cant get out just lie down and enjoy it." Haha. Epic humor. And if women can't see the funny then they are like an unfunny tribe no? In anycase women dont do humor or driving well. Or martial arts. Or writing. Or armed forces. Or...Everything.

I saw an arrogant chicken a while ago. Went to the boiler with a smirk, a copy of Ecrits and a cocked cigar dangling from its beak. Such arrogance, it'd put Saint Just to shame. Damned sure it was the same swine flu chicken.

I wear a lot of halfpants and tanktops. I'd go see patients in such a state of half-dress if it weren't for that ice-cream mother of mine. Where do I stand on DisrespectforIndianCulture scale? Also, I am a mongrel with mixed bloodlines and a hindoomoslem name so doubly disrespectful I say! I do support legalization of Opium trade though. What I lose in ganjis, I make up in gaanja..

Civically the lumberjack Northerners strike me as the north american equivalent of juice-is-free Scandinavians but hygienically, they are between the unwashed Berliners of the great war and the modern day Cornish, though having said that - Happy Canada Day!
Whatever one might say bout the Canadian bathing habits, one takes heart in the fact they are , in the very least, not Australians..or Singaporeans. Imagine the fright of that!

p.s.: That was a lie by the way. Canadians are clean as as whistle. Would one consider blowing them though? Leave or take a mark steyn here and a celine dion there...

p.p.s: Tyra Banks waving with all her little heart. Awww...

scherezade said...

Where ij my kamments? :[

kuzhali manickavel said...

Ohai! Your kamments ij here only, kindly excuse for tardy comment moderation yougaiz. I think your idea for a Hindoo Pen Coalition is quite splendid although your questionable questionableness is exceedingly questionable. I mean mixed bloodlines, hindoomoslem name, halfpant- what next, English-speaking women? Sorry, I mean sexsexsexsexsexsex. But if you know of any Hindoos or people who look like Hindoos, do let me know. I myself know one person who looks Hindoo from the side.
I remember someone told me once that the concept of marital rape was ‘another feminist nahnsense’. #youstudiedtobesostupidoryouarenaturaltalent?
PS- That’s RuPaul waving and looking FIERCE!11

Scherezade said...

Happy belated baarthday I say! I am deeply obliged that you too ij cancerian. Next baarthday, let's sulk together.
I am sending gifts to the templetown.

kuzhali manickavel said...

and a heppy belated baarthday to you too maifraands :) we must definitely sulk together nextbaarthday.

please send candy.

Amritha said...

Terrific! I have been hooked to your blog for the past 3 hours, ever since I stumbled across a link posted by a friend. In your posts, you have effectively conveyed with wit and satire, what I have struggled for years to express... There is that balance between anger and wit somewhere - and you have struck it! Please keep writing, yougaiz!!1111 You have a muchly loyal fan!111

kuzhali manickavel said...

hai Amritha, thanks so much for reading and saying nice things yougaiz!!11 :)

Anonymous said...

20 odd comments, and nogaiz have pointed out yet that bird flu is spreading because of arrogant hens only? It is not fair, Kuzhali - yougaiz are spreading propagander about the innocent roosters only.

Interlineal P.E.Ruser _ P.robable E.rror said...

Yo Kuzhali, you said that your putative interesting anecdotes about what's happening in your neck of the woods had nothing to do with dolphins...was that done f_intentionally on porpoise, or merely mis_hap'penstan_ce'tacean-like...and merely me_ant'icipatory of breaking us up and away from your pod_cast?

Be ever mindful that, if one's need-greedy for a feed, it's never a dolp_hin'drance to find rich t_ext'ant -- when projecting oneself -- if you're blessed with Gordon G_ekkolocation...c'OZ' it's only a click-click-click-click-click away!

kuzhali manickavel said...

@ anonymous- this is so true. I think this means we can blame Arundhati Roy for bird flu, no? or are we already doing that already? I would also like to take this opportunity to apologize for the propaganders and say hay innocent roosters I’m really sorry yougaiz.

@ Interlineal P.E.Ruser _ P.robable E.rror- ohai! I’m sorry but all I could understand from your comment was ‘yo kuzhali’ and something about dolphins. I really did try to figure it out but I think I am too old and too tired to do so, please forgive.

Interlineal P.E.Ruser _ P.robable E.rror said...

Yo Kuzhali, no problems. Just a bit of contractive wordplay on my part. Yougaiz are possibly not au fait with suchlike.

Incidently, one cannot be really humbled AND appreciating [although your worth per se is appreciating by the minute I'm certain!], appreciative[of the comments] yes.

Humbled AND appreciating run counter to each other, although that is possibly what you meant in your reply to Rambo's Bimbo, I'm not sure. I'm both humbled by your work and appreciative of your reply.

I don't think you're too old c'OZ' your thinking's very young and bright. You're certainly not too tired either c'OZ' you've indefatigable a breath of fresh air in fact.

I wonder if anyone's ever said to you: "Up there Kuzhali!" in an exhortatory way. One of our past famous footballers [Aussie Rules] was a guy called Roy Cazaly[dec.], and his surname looks like it possibly sounds exactly the same as your first name. He was very good at jumping high to take a high mark with the ball, so "Up there Cazaly!" became a very common catchcry by any spectator urging any player to take a high mark.

I just heard that Amy Winehouse bit the dust!

"Up there Kuzhali!"

Interlineal P.E.Ruser _ P.robable E.rror said...

Up there Kuzhali! I don't know anyone who looks Hindoo from the side [this side, or that side of the subcontin_ent'ity], but I do know that: "man who walks sideways through airport turnstile going to Bangkok!" Ouch!!!

kuzhali manickavel said...

@ Interlineal P.E.Ruser _ P.robable E.rror- ohai again! It cannot be denied, wegaiz iz not au fait with the contractive wordplay although it looks neat so I kinda wish I could do it also. i am humbled and appreciating of your appreciativeness, even though those two entities may run counter to each other. also Cazaly looks like Kuzhali but i don't think they sound the same, the 'zh' in my name is very deceptive yougaiz.

ps- I haz a sad that Amy Winehouse died :(

pps- ouch indeed yougaiz


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