Monday, July 18, 2011

We Like Gaiz Yougaiz!!1111

This blog post title is awkwardly appropriated from this pic

stolen from here

This gaizappreciation pic is superneat but unfortunately, not very Indian at all. We can know it is not Indian from a number of salient nonIndian features.
  1. The women are white and Indian women can’t be white because they are brown. Indian women are just like you and me expect they are brown yougaiz. The only time Indian women are not brown is when they turn white in order to become awesome wifelets or to get job that involves carrying a laptop and swishing one's hair in dramatic manner. 
  2. While all Indian women are overwhelmingly heterosexual, it is not part of Indian culture to blatantly advertise one's female heterosexuality by putting gentshead pictures on the wall, as this is a sign of loosecharacterbehaviors which ultimately leads to the decline of humanity and is also been known to be a strong contributing factor to the hole in the ozone layer.
  3. Indian women do not wear skirts because they only wear Indian clothing which apart from being very Indian, forms a magical forcefield that deflects and prevents sexual molestation, which is something the jeanspant cannot do.
  4. The men on the wall are mostly white and Indian women only like Indian men. I feel like this is the right time to clarify that this dude is actually Indian. 

stolen from somewhere on

     Here we can see him proving his Indianness and manliness by doing traditional Indian dance of Indianness and Manliness.

stolen from here
Now this blog will attempt to promote patriotism and nationalist thinking by sharing two very Indian things.

1. I have an echapbook out from Blaft called Eating Sugar, Telling Lies. You can buy it here. Or you can buy it here if you live in the US or UK. Or you can buy it here if you have a Kindle. This is an Indian thing because the title is taken from ancient Indian nursery rhyme which actively promotes criminal activities among the youth as well as juvenile diabetes. 

2. My collection' Insects are Just like You and Me Except Some of them have Wings' is now available as an ebook and you can buy it here, here and here. This is an Indian thing because some people from other countries have said it is.

Since this blog post started with a very nonIndian thing, it seems appropriate to end on a nonIndian note, specifically what Ghulam Nabi Azad said recently about homosexuality.  The illustrious Wikipedia tells me that he allegedly said that homosexuality was a disease, which is not that interesting because a lot of people like to say that. But he also allegedly said that homosexuality was ‘an import from Western Nations’, which you have to admit is so Indian like pistagreen walls. Shockingly, our illustrious health minister was allegedly misquoted out of context yougaiz, which seems to happen a lot when people talk about homosexuality.

I read about this on some illustrious Indian news sites and because I am stupid, I read the comments that followed the article. And I have to say that the idea that homosexuality is a Western thing is certainly a very popular notion, with an alarming number of people being very keen on drawing parallels between homosexuality and that other horrific Western import, feminism. Apparently the two have a lot in common, the biggest commonality being that they are not Indian. One illustrious individual once informed me that they were both CIA plots which I think is the same as being not Indian. 

Then I thought about how there are certain Western imports which we take very active steps to appropriate. Like M Night Shyamalan. Remember when he got Oscared and we as a nation sort of fell all over ourselves saying that it was his Indianness that made him win? Isn't that like so embarrassing now yougaiz, especially since people don't seem to like him as much anymore? Appropriating people who win a Nobel Prize or awesome First World accolades in general is not easy. In some cases, the people haven't lived in India for eleventytwelvty years or they are like 'um, I'm not Indian' and we're like 'Oh yes you ARE!! AND WE'RE GOING TO PROVE IT !!111'

If homosexuality or feminism won an Oscar or something, maybe all the haters would stop hating, at least in a kneejerk sort of way. On the other hand, during the ensuing appropriation process we may have to prove that India invented homosexuality and women. That might be really hard yougaiz.


    MarryMe said...

    You are very Indian and smart and nice and all. Will you please marry me please?

    Aishwarya said...

    Please, no offense ma'am. But I am hearing from rumour that you are also Western import phrom Canada. Please confirm or deny.

    djoiiii said...

    Hahaha, you are really funny. I just read your post and was laffing at Number 1 :P That one para and I was hooked, have even gone and ordered your book.

    PS: Are you on twitter? If not, you should be...

    Anonymous said...

    Reading the comments on an Indian news (Times of India I'm talking to you)site is enough to make you want to blow out your brains. Really yougaiz.

    Anonymous said...

    Homosexuality has not come from the west but it existed in India many centuries ago.

    Perhaps Lord Ayappa worshipped in the South was born to Lord Shiva and Lord Vishnu (as mohini). This even explain the gender changing technology which existed India many centuries back.

    Aneela Z said...

    Also if that be Indian women it would be a decent bharatiya sanskriti types tulsivrindavan in the corner. Not this evil Monstera types plant which only purpose is to lure men for immoral purposes.
    I would also add the shoes on carpet, tauba tauba!
    Thrilled to read about the book. And how fortuitous as The Toddler has just learnt that particular nursery rhyme in school..the first gift of vidya is the gift of dentist bills.

    piratedvisumoviesforeva said...

    hai hai! i came to say that i will promptuly read the chapbook and post the aforementioned review of firsht book in due time with pomp and grandeur, etc,

    on a more serious note, we can't able put gentshead pictures on wall because we don't make the eye contact remember because we are idealbharatiyanaarikannagimadhavi savitri?! wearing the chandalachappals and sitting next to white lamp is not right in the evening times also.

    ps: your word check asked me to spell nedit which is like needit. heh.

    kuzhali manickavel said...

    @MarryMe- come awn I say! I am actually a white dude from Finland but you can kindly adjust, no? I sincerely hope you are not some spambot or something yougaiz

    @Aishwarya- ohaimaifraands! I cannot deny that what you say is a true. I am also western import. but apparently, when i dress and talk "properly", i am like an indian. i cling to that yougaiz.

    @djoiiii- ohai! thanks for reading and ordering my book, I hope you like it :) I’m not on Twitter because I am already Facebook phail and don’t want to be Twitter phail also.

    @anonymous1- this is so true. also on yahoo, i've noticed that when they put up an article about some celebrity, a lot of the comments will be addressed to the celebrity like 'hai katrina u r so sexy keep up your good works sexy u r sexy and good'.

    @ anonymous2- exactly, I think it just suits certain agendas to say that homosexuality is some kind of western import like McDonald’s.

    @Aneela Z- ohai! Yes you’re quite right about the plant and the shoes on carpet, I didn’t even notice that. I have to say that the unIndianness of that has made me quite faint, I think I need to go lie down

    @piratedvisumoviesforeva- ohaimaifraands! as we say in my country, nice to see you after long :) I hope you like the echapbook yougaiz!!1 and you make very important point about the eyecontact and this onenumber woman is making wanton eye contact while the oneanother is actually pointing with finger and all- chee, the humanity.

    Madhuri Maram/iruhdam said...

    The Indian to the core knows very well that everything is a disease. everything. even if you cut your nails at the night. even that is a disease! :|

    kaivalyam said...

    why post showing '0' comments yougaiz? this is no laafing matter!Indian wimmens need more and more, they are not getting yenuf. Verr naice yuvar riting. i will come again, if not today, the tomorrow. by the by yuvar hailing from?

    Aishwarya said...

    Hai dear. I have understood that you are dressing and talking properly, so please don't mind my allegation, okay?

    ina bak said...

    Sorry,i see manliness in those two peepal in da pic, kuzhali :)

    kuzhali manickavel said...

    @ Madhuri Maram/ Iruhdam- this is very true. I have gotten in trouble for this myself. But I am happy to report my fingernails are fine and have never suffered because of this.

    @kaivalyam – ohai! Thank you for appreciating my writing I say! Please come again today and tomorrow. Myself hailing from smalltempletown in the Tamil Nadus.

    @ Aishwarya- hai dear, I don’t mind yours allegation because you are truefraand. Please give my pranaams to all at home.

    @ ina bak- ohai! Maybe it is the manliness reflecting off the wall that is making them look manly? Or the short hair. It is probably the short hair.

    MarryMe said...

    Oh mai Indian gods! How can you say I am types without proof?! All my stupid cousins who found wives on are dumb guys and their wives only buy clothes, give birth, buy jewellery, give birth. I won't say have sex because that is just what happens in bedrooms and since they are my bhabhis and ma-samaan I can't say they have sex in between because that is not Indian and saying it unleashes destructive forces.

    It's O.K.A.Y. if you're white guy becoz I like white gaiz when they go out in Indian sun and become all red and people ask them if they have skin disease and they say o no no no I just get red in the sun and also in snow. And then I'll pull your cheeks before we make love full Scandinavian istyle.

    (This is just so unrelated and random but the word verification code in the window in "saggxy" which is like hybrid version of saggy+sexy which is what you are when you are old and what to have sex. Or whateva.)

    kuzhali manickavel said...

    o mai finland gawds, I am exceedingly pleased to see that you are not a spambot altho with all your smexilusty talk of pulling the cheeks of scandinavians fullshy is coming yougaiz

    MarryMe said...

    I just swoon full Victorian ishtyle when you say "yougaiz", O Kuzhali Mah Kuzhali.

    kuzhali manickavel said...

    o yougaiz

    MarryMe said...

    And I'm sure the books these women are reading are also Western imphorts like Fanny Hill and Delta of Venus. O my Indian gods! Chhi chhi chhi chhi!

    Anonymous said...

    gawd yougaiz get a room already

    IndianTopBlogs said...

    Congratulations! The Directory of Best Indian Blogs is out and your nice blog figures in that. We thought, let's announce that to you.
    Since all blogs do not have emails clearly mentioned, we have taken the liberty of telling you of this by making a comment on your latest blogpost. Hope, you don't mind it.
    By the way, your blog was suggested to us by
    Happy blogging!

    ITB team

    kuzhali manickavel said...

    @ MarryMe- i blush for them and their totes unIndian reading habits yougaiz

    @anonymous- i feel like unnecessarily you are dragging gawd into all this

    @IndianTopBlogs- how nice, thank you and also thanks to the illustrious individual who suggested this blog also

    Purple Bubbles in the Sunlight said...

    I'm hooked to yougaiz...and now...everyone at my workplace is hooked too...we only address each other as yougaiz....and i think an otherwise heterosexual me is falling in love with your brain in a very homosexual way...your blog is super! I todally dig it...Thanks for all the awesomeness of thought and all that....

    kuzhali manickavel said...

    thanks yougaiz :) my brain is fullyblushing at yours louly comments


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