Monday, August 29, 2011

i hate people who are against india and support corruption ‘like’ if you agree!!11111

You know how there’s these groups on Facebook that say JOIN ONLY IF YOU REALLY LOVE INDIA AND ARE TRUE SON OF BHARAT MATA and the allcaps scare you and stuff so you hesitate to join and then all these peeps are like ‘wtf, why didn’t you join the group you fucking terrorist.’ So then you poke around the group a little and you find comments like ‘kashmir belongs to india all muslims should remember this is HINDUstan’ and ‘clearly this aruna roy female is lesbian for opposing jan lokpal’. And so you’re like ‘um, no don’t want’ and peeps are like ‘JOIN THIS GROUP OR I WILL SET YOU ON FIRE’ and you start sobbing and saying ‘Gawd I don’t want to die’ and they’re like ‘JOIN THIS GROUP OR I’M UNFRIENDING/UNFOLLOWING YOU ON ALL SOCIAL NETWORKING PLATFORMS AND I WILL TELL EVERYONE WHAT A BAD INDIAN YOU ARE JAI HIND’ and you become fearful for your life and stuff?


So anywaiz, I’d like to share some of the highlights that made AnnaHazareIssue really neato for me. Because that’s EXACTLY what this country needs right now, another AnnaHazareIssue blog post. So here it is, My List of Salient Features which made AnnaHazareIssue Salient For Myself 

 1. It made Bipasha Basu say this in Twitter- ‘Ppl's outcry under Anna's guidance should not go deaf.The govt has to reach a dialogue and show that they are sentimental towards the ppl.’

2.      Illustrious acquaintance received illustrious sms requesting us to show support for AnnaHazareIssue by turning off all lights. IN THE DAYTIME YOUGAIZ!!111 How can anyone see you are showing support if you turn off the lights in the daytime when there’s like fullsun happening in the sky and stuff? What about all those people who are just turning off lights because it’s daytime and they are actually not in support of AnnaHazareIssue and simply they are acting in misleading manner? Wtf yougaiz. Anyway, the real question is, did I do this? Was I a good Indian? And the answer is…um…..HELLZ YEAH!!111 And you know what?

from here
Please clicky the chicken to experience the epicness of the gif. Also, if nothing else, the lights knew I supported AnnaHazareIssue and maybe that's what is really important here.

3.      There were times when one looked at the supporters of this anti-corruption movement and one said ‘YAY JAI HIND YAY NO CORRUPTION YAY PRETTEH CELEBRITIES YAY LOOK IT’S…wait, what? WTF are they doing there? I thought this was ANTI corruption movement. WTF YOUGAIZ!!111’. This is where I would have liked to say something about a certain illustrious individual with a ponytail but I’m scared of being sued yougaiz.

4.      When people call you Anti Indian for not supporting AnnaHazareIssue, it sometimes sounds like they are calling you Aunty Indian. That is like so weird and confusing, especially when you see gentsfellow being called Aunty Indian.

5.      Despite the fact that a number of people wrote articles “against Anna”, it was Arundhati Roy who once again wins the You Make Me So Mad I Want To Eat My Face award for making an alarming number of our populace like so mad yougaiz. Granted, she has a bit of an advantage since hating on Ms. Roy is one of our favourite national pastimes. I think so it is only rivalled by playing carroms and enjoying the casual consumption of roasted groundnuts and other various pulses. Also I think many people were getting Aruna Roy and Arundhati Roy mixed up here but since peeps be hatin' on both it weren't really no thang ya'll.

6.      Sometimes you know what would happen? A stupid person would say ‘I don’t know about this yougaiz…’ to a group of rabid AnnaHazareIssue supporters. And said stupid person was immediately requested to provide a “better plan”. And because stupid person did not have A Better Plan To Get Rid Of Corruption In India in their pockets, they were requested to shut up their mouths jai hind. Sometimes they were also told to ‘go back to Pakistan’ which is very dated but lolzworthy nonetheless.

7.      Voicing criticism of the AnnaHazareIssue apparently meant you loved corruption because it’s like SO. HAUT. Conversely, supporting AnnaHazareIssue meant you loved India and were incorruptible and hated corruption even though you have indulged in corruption activities but you couldn’t help that because India is like that only. I think it’s like those love songs where the lyrics are like ‘I hate myself for loving you but I can’t help loving you because I love you but I hate myself for loving you.’ Or something. 

8.      The Gandhi cap made a comeback yougaiz! 

9. Fasting made a comeback! Even though Irom Sharmila has been fasting for about ten years now, it took this kerfuffle to make fasting haut enough for certain illustrious and informative sites to write about how fasting is good for health and will make you sexy apart from being an effective tool of democracy.

10.  I thought I knew all about corruption because I’ve had to pay bribes yougaiz and it was like so unfair and totes hurt my feelings. Then while actually reading about corruption and all this other stuff, I decided the whole thing was too complicated and I was like wtf WAY easier to just turn those lights off in the daytime, no? Yes.

And now, I would like to end this by saying why yes! This IS yet another uninformed, negative and useless nonsense blog post written by yet another elitist, English female blogger who knows nothing about the Real India, nothing about the issues at hand and only knows how to sit in front of computer and criticize one of India’s greatest movements against corruption. Still, I feel like this shouldn't stop you from buying my book or buying my echapbook. Ideally, you could buy both. Also, I just remembered that I actually wanted to write about porn and instead I wrote blog post about Aunty Indian filled with lustysexual feelings about the corruption. Maybe that’s like porn in a way. 



Sunday, August 14, 2011

Is ‘yougaiz’ against Indian culture? It probably is yougaiz.

Dear whoever landed on this blog in the hopes of finding ‘west mambalam free raped girls phone number’, not to sound all judgy and stuff but WTF??!!1111 Also you are gross. Also 

Improper Use of Internet Pictures, Images and Photos

To continue in the wtf vein, a certain Maureen Chao who is allegedly Vice Consul of illustrious US Consulate allegedly spoke about her Foreigner in Indian Train experience which is not that interesting but allegedly the experience made her so dirty and dark that she had to tell us that ‘I became dirty and dark, like a Tamilian’ . Thankfully the US consulate website made everything ok by posting this ‘Ms. Chao deeply regrets if her unfortunate remarks offended anyone, as that was certainly not her intent.' I’m really glad they did this yougaiz because I was SO about to get offended because that is what whiny third world colored folk are wont to do, no? Yes. Anywaiz, my favorite aspects of this little kerfuffle are as follows. 

1.      She said these awesome and empowering words about the Tamil people WHILE STANDING INSIDE THE TAMIL NADU YOUGAIZ!!11. Seriously. If you are not on drugs at the time, what kind of space does your brain need to be in for that to happen? At what point, while you are speechifying, does it seem like a good idea to say this? These are extremely relevant questions when you consider that the illustrious Maureen Chao is not your adorable but embarrassingly bigoted grandmother who says things like this in public because she is your grandmother. Maureen Chao is a foreign diplomat type person type thing. And I’m pretty sure that somewhere in foreign diplomat type person type thing school, they have a course where they teach you not to refer to the natives as dark and dirty while making public speeches. Or maybe they only have that course for First World countries because Third World natives really ARE dark and dirty. LOL!11 That is a clever joke. If you did not laugh at it, you are not only racist, you are a racist that can’t take a joke and that’s the worst kind of racist ever yougaiz.

2. I am also very much louing the illustrious people who are taking the high road on this one, kindly educating the rest of us on how us Indians should consider that an apology has been issued so that makes everything ok, it was ‘just a joke’ and most importantly, we should remember that all of us want to study in America and then live there forever and ever and that is FAR more important than some diplomat saying something about Tamilians being dark and dirty. You’ll never get that green card honey if you upbraid US consulate peeps. Come on now, eyes on the prize.

And now, I must take this opportunity to wish advance JaiHind greetings to all my Indian brothers and sisters on our forthcoming IndependenceDay celebrations. In honor of this hallowed dry day, I would like to call for Nationwide ban on certain kinds of wines, specifically whines, specifically whines about how this, that, up, down and your father in law are all against Indian Culture or causing Indian Culture to die. Indian culture is not going to die yougaiz. I think some little kid in Pondicherry was spotted hawking bags while shouting ‘Indian culture!’ or something so not only is Indian Culture not dead, it is very lucrative also for the common peoples. Heretoforehenceoforththerewith, I would personally like to say that I think this kind of whining is against Indian culture and so I call for ban against the following whines because they are also seditious encouraging our youth to go along the morally wrong path and is counterproductive to development of this great nation jai hind. Kindly request all to do the needful yours sincerely.

JAIHIND!!!11111 Whine aka I Am Indian Hear Me Rawr

This whine is RAWR LIKE INDIAN TIGER. But nay. India is home of the nonviolence so let us not be the violence. Instead, let us make up for the lack of violence by being loud, obnoxious and crazytown while maintaining very small attention span. For instance, let us look at the gay pride parades and slut walks but let us look at them from a distance because gay pride parades and slut walks are sogross and scawy ALL THIS NOT PART OF INDIAN CULTURE JAIHIND!!1111 Safely ensconced in our little boxes that are having no air and armed with our fabulous ignorance about gay pride parades and the slut walks because who wants to know about such things anyway, let us declare them both against Indian culture because they are both…walking? No, maybe let’s declare walking to be against Indian culture later on. Let us say they are against Indian culture because OH LOOK A SHINEEE PENNEH!!111 SHINEE PENNEH IS AGAINST INDIAN CULTURE BECAUSE IT IS NOT PAISA JAIHIND 111!!!!

Country Whine aka I Am Awesome Because When I Wave To The Lepers They Wave Back At Me And I Know The Names Of Two Auto Drivers

This whine states that Indian Culture can only exist in rural areas and among the poor people because that is the Real India. The rest of India is Fake India. Popular accents of this whine include talking about roughing it among the natives and how regional languages are the only real Indian languages and people who can’t/won’t talk in these languages should be ‘thrown out’. Naturally these whines are more effective when they are delivered in English, which thankfully happens alot. How else will the Fake Indians understand yougaiz??!!! While these whines like to be “gritty” in order to appear realistic, there is always a touch of romanticism of the louly green rice fields and the scent of poor and rural Indian things wafting on the poor and rural Indian breeze and flute playing and big white ambassador car rolling along the road carrying sunglassed hero who has come back from America after completing studies- chee, sorry that is opening for eighties Tamil movie. But it works here also. Also please to note. Sometimes Country Whine comes from people who are no longer in the country but feel they are in the best position to whine about Indian Culture because they came here for vacation once in 1984. This is known as Foreign Country Whine.

Homemade Whine aka We Run This Motha

This whine defines the entire spectrum of Indian history, culture and its people solely on the basis of the whiner's family, nextdoor neighbors and their six assorted friends. So if they don’t do it, then it must not be Indian and must be against Indian culture. Apart from the bizarre things they say, what makes this whine interesting is that they speak with a great amount of conviction. And why wouldn’t you, when you believe that you and your six friends constitute the entire Indian experience. Popular aspects of this whine include saying things like ‘we do not do such things in India’ 'that is not Indian' and my personal favorite, ‘you please leave this to the West, as it is not part of this culture’ .

I Haz A Sad Whine aka The Bluebird of Happiness in My Life Has Been Replaced By The Indian Boiler Chicken of Depression

Watery with tears of nostalgia, this whine laments the fact that Indian culture is dead/dying and that everything Indian suddenly isn’t Indian anymore because it is different from the India of 1979. It is marked by sadness, bewilderment and utter dismay that India had the audacity to change over time. Did it wantingly change or was it CIA propaganda? Why didn’t things stay the same? Who stole my 1979India? Where are the pistagreen walls and ambassador cars of my youth?

this just seemed very appropriate for this whine and was stolen from here
 jaihind vazhgabaratham yougaiz.

Monday, August 1, 2011

is englishbullying in modern india like hipster racism without the hipsters and the racism yougaiz please answer me yes or no?

This blog post title is something I would like to talk about a little later. First, did I mention I have an echapbook out called ‘Eating Sugar, Telling Lies’ which you can buy and enjai like anything? Did I also mention that my collection with the tediously long title is now available as an ebook so you don’t have to wander all over the countryside trying to find it? Didn’t mention? Ok so I have mentioned it now.

Now can we talk about the slew of shirtless dudes that have apparently bombarded the Bollywood and just ruined everything? I feel like peeps were complaining about this when I was in college also and that was a REALLY long time ago yougaiz. Maybe this is one of those things that people like to periodically bemoan, like the death of the short story, which apparently has been going on dying for many years now. Anywaiz, I believe some people are very upset about said slew of shirtless dudes because I think so in Bollywood only the women are supposed to appear in various stages of undress. In this way, Bollywood is very similar to Hollywood, thus proving that there is unity in the diversity. Or maybe peeps are upset because shirtless fellows are against Indian culture. Maybe like the feminism and the gayness, shirtless dudes are one another Western crapnonsense nuisance. This of course would explain why in our great Indian epics we have great Indian man hero type people fitted out in shirts which covered their modesty and their bellybuttons.  This is in marked contrast to certain women of low character who always displayed their bellybutton as a way of seducing great Indian man hero type people. 

from somewhere on
Can you see his bellybutton? You can totally see his bellybutton yougaiz!!11 OMG DON'T LOOK AT HIS BELLYBUTTON YOUGAIZ OR YOU MIGHT GET PREGNANT !!111 

Anyway then what happened means I watched a television commercial the other day. From what I remember of it, a man could not find his socks and his wifelet was pissed off because she had to come and find his socks for him. Then the teevee showed us a shot of some Bran Flakes (I think), which tells us that one of these illustrious individuals was constipated. Someone told me that Indians don’t get constipated because apparently that’s something that only happens to white people. And here we are in 2011 watching an Indian commercial for Bran Flakes. This is called progress of the globalization. Anyhoo, because I am just a silly old woman with a silly old uterus, I thought the constipated individual was the man, who was possibly so backed up that he could not even find his own socks anymore. But nay- twas the woman who was irregular. Her irregularity caused the irregular behavior of wondering why a grown man can’t find his own socks. Thankfully by the end of the commercial, the woman had her Bran Flakes and the snail was on the thorn, morning was at seven and the man had a woman to cheerfully find his socks for him. I’m really glad that commercial ended well because I was really worried about the socks!!11 Who would find them?!!11 Would they be lost forever?!11 So much drama yougaiz. 

Now, I would like to talk about this blog post’s title. This is something that occurred to me a while back, when I noticed that an Indian name was trending on Twitter. The Indian name belonged to an Indian dude who had an Indian blog that was filled with Indian English and it was just the funniest thing evarevar yougaiz. The trending seemed to be largely made up of that unique form of EnglishBullying that we are so fond of doing in our onenumber country to anyone who has the audacity to use Indian English like it is a language that people actually speak in India or something. This bullying is not really bullying yougaiz because apparently it helps the other person to ‘see his mistake and correct his ‘bad’ English’. So it’s kinda like the mean twin of the Benevolent English Despotism I once blogged about before. And while they may appear to be different, I feel they are both are coming from the same family only. 

The bullying in itself was not very interesting but it was done in that slightly nervous, loud and defensive way that makes EnglishBullying so adorbs- like hipster racism joketype things, it is extremely important to go along and laugh at everything because if you don't, you either don’t have a sense of humor or you are pretending to be American or you are a terrorist or you have your period or something. I myself did not laugh because I did not really see what we were supposed to be laughing at. On the one hand, we had this individual who had offended Mother India by having a blog filled with Indian English which apparently is “the horrible English”. And then we had peeps tweeting things like ‘‘god please save d India from such fellows who use d English in such a manner jai hind!’ I found all this very similar to a forward I received some time back, which snarked about the similar horrible English one finds on certain profiles. This consisted of taking a profile that was written in “bad” English with “bad” grammar and then following it with a comment that read something like ‘next time you plz ask the help in framing    sentence to save us from you’re painful grammar!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!’.

I’m guessing that the English used by one party is “better” than that used by the other, although I am unable to see just where the betterment is. I am also unable to understand why it is so important to jump up and down and frantically scream about "the horrible Englishes" or if people are aware of what it looks like when you frantically scream about "the horrible Englishes'" while using phrases like "the horrible Englishes". Admittedly, I probably shouldn’t be talking about this at all. Not only is this blog is riddled with bad English and grammar, I have no qualms in admitting that not only was I student of Government Girls Higher Secondary School in the Tamil Nadu, I also failed English in the same. I also failed English in Canada although there it was called “Language Arts”. Point being that I have failed English in First and Third World countries so that’s probably why I cannot discern the subtle but incredibly important differences which makes one of these Englishes moar better than the other.

Instead, I will end all this with this poem by Nissim Ezekiel. I like this poem very much but perhaps this man is somewhat to blame for the goingon population explosion of that awful thing called Indian English because blatantly he has written poem using the same. Hopefully the EnglishBullyingBrigade will be able to put this man and his horrible English in his place soon and save the India from such fellows.

The Professor
 Remember me? I am Professor Sheth.
 Once I taught you geography. Now
 I am retired, though my health is good.
 My wife died some years back.
 By God's grace, all my children
 Are well settled in life.
 One is Sales Manager,
 One is Bank Manager,
 Both have cars.
 Other also doing well, though not so well.
 Every family must have black sheep.
 Sarala and Tarala are married,
 Their husbands are very nice boys.
 You won't believe but I have eleven grandchildren.
 How many issues you have? Three?
 That is good. These are days of family planning.
 I am not against. We have to change with times.
 Whole world is changing. In India also
 We are keeping up. Our progress is progressing.
 Old values are going, new values are coming.
 Everything is happening with leaps and bounds.
 I am going out rarely, now and then
 Only, this is price of old age
 But my health is O.K. Usual aches and pains.
 No diabetes, no blood pressure, no heart attack.
 This is because of sound habits in youth.
 How is your health keeping?
 Nicely? I am happy for that.
 This year I am sixty-nine
 and hope to score a century.
 You were so thin, like stick,
 Now you are man of weight and consequence.
 That is good joke.
 If you are coming again this side by chance,
 Visit please my humble residence also.
 I am living just on opposite house's backside.

- By Nissim Ezekial, stolen from here


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