Monday, August 1, 2011

is englishbullying in modern india like hipster racism without the hipsters and the racism yougaiz please answer me yes or no?

This blog post title is something I would like to talk about a little later. First, did I mention I have an echapbook out called ‘Eating Sugar, Telling Lies’ which you can buy and enjai like anything? Did I also mention that my collection with the tediously long title is now available as an ebook so you don’t have to wander all over the countryside trying to find it? Didn’t mention? Ok so I have mentioned it now.

Now can we talk about the slew of shirtless dudes that have apparently bombarded the Bollywood and just ruined everything? I feel like peeps were complaining about this when I was in college also and that was a REALLY long time ago yougaiz. Maybe this is one of those things that people like to periodically bemoan, like the death of the short story, which apparently has been going on dying for many years now. Anywaiz, I believe some people are very upset about said slew of shirtless dudes because I think so in Bollywood only the women are supposed to appear in various stages of undress. In this way, Bollywood is very similar to Hollywood, thus proving that there is unity in the diversity. Or maybe peeps are upset because shirtless fellows are against Indian culture. Maybe like the feminism and the gayness, shirtless dudes are one another Western crapnonsense nuisance. This of course would explain why in our great Indian epics we have great Indian man hero type people fitted out in shirts which covered their modesty and their bellybuttons.  This is in marked contrast to certain women of low character who always displayed their bellybutton as a way of seducing great Indian man hero type people. 

from somewhere on
Can you see his bellybutton? You can totally see his bellybutton yougaiz!!11 OMG DON'T LOOK AT HIS BELLYBUTTON YOUGAIZ OR YOU MIGHT GET PREGNANT !!111 

Anyway then what happened means I watched a television commercial the other day. From what I remember of it, a man could not find his socks and his wifelet was pissed off because she had to come and find his socks for him. Then the teevee showed us a shot of some Bran Flakes (I think), which tells us that one of these illustrious individuals was constipated. Someone told me that Indians don’t get constipated because apparently that’s something that only happens to white people. And here we are in 2011 watching an Indian commercial for Bran Flakes. This is called progress of the globalization. Anyhoo, because I am just a silly old woman with a silly old uterus, I thought the constipated individual was the man, who was possibly so backed up that he could not even find his own socks anymore. But nay- twas the woman who was irregular. Her irregularity caused the irregular behavior of wondering why a grown man can’t find his own socks. Thankfully by the end of the commercial, the woman had her Bran Flakes and the snail was on the thorn, morning was at seven and the man had a woman to cheerfully find his socks for him. I’m really glad that commercial ended well because I was really worried about the socks!!11 Who would find them?!!11 Would they be lost forever?!11 So much drama yougaiz. 

Now, I would like to talk about this blog post’s title. This is something that occurred to me a while back, when I noticed that an Indian name was trending on Twitter. The Indian name belonged to an Indian dude who had an Indian blog that was filled with Indian English and it was just the funniest thing evarevar yougaiz. The trending seemed to be largely made up of that unique form of EnglishBullying that we are so fond of doing in our onenumber country to anyone who has the audacity to use Indian English like it is a language that people actually speak in India or something. This bullying is not really bullying yougaiz because apparently it helps the other person to ‘see his mistake and correct his ‘bad’ English’. So it’s kinda like the mean twin of the Benevolent English Despotism I once blogged about before. And while they may appear to be different, I feel they are both are coming from the same family only. 

The bullying in itself was not very interesting but it was done in that slightly nervous, loud and defensive way that makes EnglishBullying so adorbs- like hipster racism joketype things, it is extremely important to go along and laugh at everything because if you don't, you either don’t have a sense of humor or you are pretending to be American or you are a terrorist or you have your period or something. I myself did not laugh because I did not really see what we were supposed to be laughing at. On the one hand, we had this individual who had offended Mother India by having a blog filled with Indian English which apparently is “the horrible English”. And then we had peeps tweeting things like ‘‘god please save d India from such fellows who use d English in such a manner jai hind!’ I found all this very similar to a forward I received some time back, which snarked about the similar horrible English one finds on certain profiles. This consisted of taking a profile that was written in “bad” English with “bad” grammar and then following it with a comment that read something like ‘next time you plz ask the help in framing    sentence to save us from you’re painful grammar!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!’.

I’m guessing that the English used by one party is “better” than that used by the other, although I am unable to see just where the betterment is. I am also unable to understand why it is so important to jump up and down and frantically scream about "the horrible Englishes" or if people are aware of what it looks like when you frantically scream about "the horrible Englishes'" while using phrases like "the horrible Englishes". Admittedly, I probably shouldn’t be talking about this at all. Not only is this blog is riddled with bad English and grammar, I have no qualms in admitting that not only was I student of Government Girls Higher Secondary School in the Tamil Nadu, I also failed English in the same. I also failed English in Canada although there it was called “Language Arts”. Point being that I have failed English in First and Third World countries so that’s probably why I cannot discern the subtle but incredibly important differences which makes one of these Englishes moar better than the other.

Instead, I will end all this with this poem by Nissim Ezekiel. I like this poem very much but perhaps this man is somewhat to blame for the goingon population explosion of that awful thing called Indian English because blatantly he has written poem using the same. Hopefully the EnglishBullyingBrigade will be able to put this man and his horrible English in his place soon and save the India from such fellows.

The Professor
 Remember me? I am Professor Sheth.
 Once I taught you geography. Now
 I am retired, though my health is good.
 My wife died some years back.
 By God's grace, all my children
 Are well settled in life.
 One is Sales Manager,
 One is Bank Manager,
 Both have cars.
 Other also doing well, though not so well.
 Every family must have black sheep.
 Sarala and Tarala are married,
 Their husbands are very nice boys.
 You won't believe but I have eleven grandchildren.
 How many issues you have? Three?
 That is good. These are days of family planning.
 I am not against. We have to change with times.
 Whole world is changing. In India also
 We are keeping up. Our progress is progressing.
 Old values are going, new values are coming.
 Everything is happening with leaps and bounds.
 I am going out rarely, now and then
 Only, this is price of old age
 But my health is O.K. Usual aches and pains.
 No diabetes, no blood pressure, no heart attack.
 This is because of sound habits in youth.
 How is your health keeping?
 Nicely? I am happy for that.
 This year I am sixty-nine
 and hope to score a century.
 You were so thin, like stick,
 Now you are man of weight and consequence.
 That is good joke.
 If you are coming again this side by chance,
 Visit please my humble residence also.
 I am living just on opposite house's backside.

- By Nissim Ezekial, stolen from here



Sharanya said...

Ms Em, why do you make lou came like yenything?

P.S. Can you do it more often also?

Anonymous said...

adorbs? adorbs!!??

Kuzhali, why for only you use such inglis words that only these giggling convent girls only use?

Also, anyone who is calling you a silly old woman, you are finding them and you are telling us. Wegaiz are not the standing and taking that like that only.

Nandini said...

You must be reading this no? If not, please to do it soon,it is explaining very much a lot about the Indian Ennglish and the Brown people's slang (even if they are using much Fair and Lovely)

Ordered you're book from the flipkarts. Hop to read it sooner.

Much love and best wishes and warm regards etc.

piratedvisumoviesforeva said...

hai englishbullying is cornerstone of indian educational erasepersonality movement so please don't be speaking against it. i am so offended like the time i wrote collage poem with profiles and people thought i was seriously making fun when i really wanted to say gaiz this is the shizzle. of course vellais thought it was too good because the irony was they thought i came up with it.

also i was english oration fail when my teacher asked me to stop digging in the determine. now that is the poetry or what.

ps: i wrote you a mail in bad englishes. also your spell check is making me spell disested. is that diseased+ dissected?

kuzhali manickavel said...

@Sharanya- ohai Ms Ess, I am appreciating you like yenything. because I am unable to blog every Saturday, it was my intention to blog every other Saturday but that has somehow become every other Monday. I just don’t know what’s happening yougaiz

@ anonymous- but adorbs is so adorbs yougaiz!!111 next time someone calls me silly old woman I shall henceforth inform you of the same forthwith so you may do the needful bearing in mind that we are in Gandhi’s India and thus should use nonviolence when we appreciate the unity in diversity

@ Nandini- ohai! I am indeed familiar with the aforementioned illustrious site, it is so fine I say. Also thank you bery much for ordering my book, I hope you will enjai like anything.

@ piratedvisumoviesforeva- watuphomi!!111 how are your pirated visu movies? I want to say that I think this

-englishbullying is cornerstone of indian educational erasepersonality movement-

is very true yougaiz. I am also very pleased that we are partners in fail. Please convey my pranams to yours family and continue to dig in the determine. Thanking you. Ps- disested is what you said and also what happens when someone disrespects your ested. I don’t know what an ested is yougaiz.

Sarpvinash said...

that poem always reminded me of this (by Betjeman):

She died in the upstairs bedroom
By the light of the ev'ning star
That shone through the plate glass window
From over Leamington Spa

Beside her the lonely crochet
Lay patiently and unstirred,
But the fingers that would have work'd it
Were dead as the spoken word.

And Nurse came in with the tea-things
Breast high 'mid the stands and chairs-
But Nurse was alone with her own little soul,
And the things were alone with theirs.

She bolted the big round window,
She let the blinds unroll,
She set a match to the mantle,
She covered the fire with coal.

And "Tea!" she said in a tiny voice
"Wake up! It's nearly five"
Oh! Chintzy, chintzy cheeriness,
Half dead and half alive.

Do you know that the stucco is peeling?
Do you know that the heart will stop?
From those yellow Italianate arches
Do you hear the plaster drop?

Nurse looked at the silent bedstead,
At the gray, decaying face,
As the calm of a Leamington ev'ning
Drifted into the place.

She moved the table of bottles
Away from the bed to the wall;
And tiptoeing gently over the stairs
Turned down the gas in the hall.

kuzhali manickavel said...

i appreciate this poetry so much :) clearly author is having strong english skills

Anonymous said...

Mi wan peeps fi start mashup di kuzhali-nissim-samosapedia basha wit some lkj an john agard stylez an mek we all speak in one adorbs new progress-progressing English so we can enjai like anyting yougaiz an bun dem bumboclaat EnglishBullies yougaiz!11!!

kuzhali manickavel said...

these poems fullappreciating i say!11 also i feel like kuzhali-nissim-samosapedia basha with lkj and john agard style would not be english- IT WOULD BE AWESOME YOUGAIZ!!1111

Anonymous said...

Hi Kuzhali Manickavel :) your English language skills are amazing and wowsome, and now to make them exceptional you can visit and they will teach you common english phrases and how to use them. I thought you might like this. While we are on this subject, will you marry me? i know there are several in line before me, but i will wait... then you can be Mrs Kuzhali Manickavel and I will make you some paneer butter masala and we can go for a walk in the park. The park has benches too.

kuzhali manickavel said...

ohai anonymous :) thank you for appreciating my englishlanguage skills. i also appreciated the link you sent and i listened to one of the clips on running late which had neat stock pictures of people running and also looking at watches also.

also yescawmawn, we can get marriage also.

Anonymous said...

It is settled then. Many thanks Kuzhali Manickavel :) you make me very happy. After marriage we can both you and I learn common English phrases together and improve our common English. Do you think these phrases will help me talk to an octopus? Will I have to repeat every phrase eight times to be understood? Do octopuses have ears? Please confirm at your earliest convenience.

kuzhali manickavel said...

to speak to an octopus, you must become a tarvuist. thankfully, it's SO easy to join. hebbo!!111

MarryMe said...

Excuse me you please nosy anonymous enthu cutlet. I MARRY KUZHALI AND VICE VERSA! NOT YOU! Go marry octopusni when you learn octupustongue!

kuzhali manickavel said...

yougaiz, let us not forget the words of Tarvu at this time- hebbo!1

i don't think that's relevant here in any way also, i just like saying hebbo!!11


kuzhali manickavel Design by Insight © 2009