Sunday, August 14, 2011

Is ‘yougaiz’ against Indian culture? It probably is yougaiz.

Dear whoever landed on this blog in the hopes of finding ‘west mambalam free raped girls phone number’, not to sound all judgy and stuff but WTF??!!1111 Also you are gross. Also 

Improper Use of Internet Pictures, Images and Photos

To continue in the wtf vein, a certain Maureen Chao who is allegedly Vice Consul of illustrious US Consulate allegedly spoke about her Foreigner in Indian Train experience which is not that interesting but allegedly the experience made her so dirty and dark that she had to tell us that ‘I became dirty and dark, like a Tamilian’ . Thankfully the US consulate website made everything ok by posting this ‘Ms. Chao deeply regrets if her unfortunate remarks offended anyone, as that was certainly not her intent.' I’m really glad they did this yougaiz because I was SO about to get offended because that is what whiny third world colored folk are wont to do, no? Yes. Anywaiz, my favorite aspects of this little kerfuffle are as follows. 

1.      She said these awesome and empowering words about the Tamil people WHILE STANDING INSIDE THE TAMIL NADU YOUGAIZ!!11. Seriously. If you are not on drugs at the time, what kind of space does your brain need to be in for that to happen? At what point, while you are speechifying, does it seem like a good idea to say this? These are extremely relevant questions when you consider that the illustrious Maureen Chao is not your adorable but embarrassingly bigoted grandmother who says things like this in public because she is your grandmother. Maureen Chao is a foreign diplomat type person type thing. And I’m pretty sure that somewhere in foreign diplomat type person type thing school, they have a course where they teach you not to refer to the natives as dark and dirty while making public speeches. Or maybe they only have that course for First World countries because Third World natives really ARE dark and dirty. LOL!11 That is a clever joke. If you did not laugh at it, you are not only racist, you are a racist that can’t take a joke and that’s the worst kind of racist ever yougaiz.

2. I am also very much louing the illustrious people who are taking the high road on this one, kindly educating the rest of us on how us Indians should consider that an apology has been issued so that makes everything ok, it was ‘just a joke’ and most importantly, we should remember that all of us want to study in America and then live there forever and ever and that is FAR more important than some diplomat saying something about Tamilians being dark and dirty. You’ll never get that green card honey if you upbraid US consulate peeps. Come on now, eyes on the prize.


And now, I must take this opportunity to wish advance JaiHind greetings to all my Indian brothers and sisters on our forthcoming IndependenceDay celebrations. In honor of this hallowed dry day, I would like to call for Nationwide ban on certain kinds of wines, specifically whines, specifically whines about how this, that, up, down and your father in law are all against Indian Culture or causing Indian Culture to die. Indian culture is not going to die yougaiz. I think some little kid in Pondicherry was spotted hawking bags while shouting ‘Indian culture!’ or something so not only is Indian Culture not dead, it is very lucrative also for the common peoples. Heretoforehenceoforththerewith, I would personally like to say that I think this kind of whining is against Indian culture and so I call for ban against the following whines because they are also seditious encouraging our youth to go along the morally wrong path and is counterproductive to development of this great nation jai hind. Kindly request all to do the needful yours sincerely.


JAIHIND!!!11111 Whine aka I Am Indian Hear Me Rawr

This whine is RAWR LIKE INDIAN TIGER. But nay. India is home of the nonviolence so let us not be the violence. Instead, let us make up for the lack of violence by being loud, obnoxious and crazytown while maintaining very small attention span. For instance, let us look at the gay pride parades and slut walks but let us look at them from a distance because gay pride parades and slut walks are sogross and scawy ALL THIS NOT PART OF INDIAN CULTURE JAIHIND!!1111 Safely ensconced in our little boxes that are having no air and armed with our fabulous ignorance about gay pride parades and the slut walks because who wants to know about such things anyway, let us declare them both against Indian culture because they are both…walking? No, maybe let’s declare walking to be against Indian culture later on. Let us say they are against Indian culture because OH LOOK A SHINEEE PENNEH!!111 SHINEE PENNEH IS AGAINST INDIAN CULTURE BECAUSE IT IS NOT PAISA JAIHIND 111!!!!

Country Whine aka I Am Awesome Because When I Wave To The Lepers They Wave Back At Me And I Know The Names Of Two Auto Drivers

This whine states that Indian Culture can only exist in rural areas and among the poor people because that is the Real India. The rest of India is Fake India. Popular accents of this whine include talking about roughing it among the natives and how regional languages are the only real Indian languages and people who can’t/won’t talk in these languages should be ‘thrown out’. Naturally these whines are more effective when they are delivered in English, which thankfully happens alot. How else will the Fake Indians understand yougaiz??!!! While these whines like to be “gritty” in order to appear realistic, there is always a touch of romanticism of the louly green rice fields and the scent of poor and rural Indian things wafting on the poor and rural Indian breeze and flute playing and big white ambassador car rolling along the road carrying sunglassed hero who has come back from America after completing studies- chee, sorry that is opening for eighties Tamil movie. But it works here also. Also please to note. Sometimes Country Whine comes from people who are no longer in the country but feel they are in the best position to whine about Indian Culture because they came here for vacation once in 1984. This is known as Foreign Country Whine.

Homemade Whine aka We Run This Motha

This whine defines the entire spectrum of Indian history, culture and its people solely on the basis of the whiner's family, nextdoor neighbors and their six assorted friends. So if they don’t do it, then it must not be Indian and must be against Indian culture. Apart from the bizarre things they say, what makes this whine interesting is that they speak with a great amount of conviction. And why wouldn’t you, when you believe that you and your six friends constitute the entire Indian experience. Popular aspects of this whine include saying things like ‘we do not do such things in India’ 'that is not Indian' and my personal favorite, ‘you please leave this to the West, as it is not part of this culture’ .

I Haz A Sad Whine aka The Bluebird of Happiness in My Life Has Been Replaced By The Indian Boiler Chicken of Depression

Watery with tears of nostalgia, this whine laments the fact that Indian culture is dead/dying and that everything Indian suddenly isn’t Indian anymore because it is different from the India of 1979. It is marked by sadness, bewilderment and utter dismay that India had the audacity to change over time. Did it wantingly change or was it CIA propaganda? Why didn’t things stay the same? Who stole my 1979India? Where are the pistagreen walls and ambassador cars of my youth?

this just seemed very appropriate for this whine and was stolen from here
 jaihind vazhgabaratham yougaiz.

19 comments:

Madhuri Maram/iruhdam said...

Now where are the Gold Spots?
and also the Micheal Jackson Craziness?

longblackveil said...

Oh Lord, epic girlcrushing on you and it's all your fault only.
Girlcrushes are against Indian, Pak, Kashmiri or any culture that is not pro-girl-crush. Wait, what...?
Anyway. Most enjoyables.
KTHXBAI.

shre said...

Times New Roman(?) makes you sound slightly more stoned types. But happy indie! Penis! Day! May you write many more enjoyment pieces for us big ceiling fans.

Moushumi said...

Hey Kuzhali, it was wonderful just reading your book; writing about it was even better. Read the book, couldn't get enough of it, so trawled the net for more. I am sure you have heard it all before but I have to say it: your writing makes me feel like I am in on an insider joke.

Waiting for your next book (no pressure!),
Moushumi
(a.k.a Accidental Fame Junkie a.k.a the owner of www(dot)southwestsun(dot)wordpress(dot)com)

Aneela Z said...

I have fruit of (khadi hand)loom whine. I miss days when you had simple pure friendship with oranges mangoes and all rolled down the hill happy to see you and you had rambunctious play all boy girl fruit together no hanky panky and now girl and mango fruit going in boat alone and indulging in carnal knowledge making aamsutra. Khudaya all this Fallen Fruit, qayamat ki nishani

Koinon3a said...

Hi. It is 'broiler' and not 'boiler' chicken, unless of course you are referring to an Indian chicken that is actually boiled, or a chicken that lives in, endorses or is a mascot of an Indian boiler,except that I am not sure what an Indian boiler is; it could be like a milk boiler, we Tamilians love milk boilers. I know this because when I got married all the Tamil Maamis fought amongst each other to gift me a milk boiler. Imagine the sight of elephants in fuschia, mustard silk lumbering around in a steel-dabba shop. Eventually I had to break it to them that I buy tetrapak milk (and which point one of them fainted) and therefore have no need for a milk boiler. Some of them now suggest, a bit meanly and darkly (nothing against dark people), that I have "gone astray" because of tetrapak milk and not caring enough about thayir and filter coffee to use a milk boiler.
Anyway, this was actually about chicken. But I just wanted to share this with you, because you share so much with us, and we love you. And by we I mean me, and by love I don't mean anything creepy at all but it may be a bit gay. Only slightly.

kuzhali manickavel said...

@Madhuri Maram/iruhdam- gold spot was nice, no? I feel like mj crazytownness hasn’t gone completely, maybe because it is part of indian culture

@longblackveil- aw, you are making me fullyblushing I say. If girlcrushing is too much against the various cultures we can always make the marriages, don’t afraid.

@shre- ohai! It is times new roman only, not really sure how that happened but there it is anyway. Your independence day greeting is probs against the indian culture but I am fullylouing it I say :) and wish you the same also too

@ Moushumi- thank you so much! and it was wonderful to read your review, I think it is one of my favorites, thanks for stopping by also :)

@ Aneela Z- this is so true yougaiz. It reminds me of this one song sequence I saw where hero was throwing various seasonal fruits in romantic fashion at heroines bewbies and stomach and I was thinking that the real reason she was biting her lip with fullfeeling was because it probably hurts to have various seasonal fruits being lobbed at one’s soft parts, no? suddenly wondering if she was later shown lobbing same said fruits at hero’s matrimonial crotchimus areas. I don’t think she did.

@ Koinon3a- aw, you are making me fullyblushing also I say :) I would invite you also to make marriages but I see that you have already been matrimonialed. I also want to say that broiler chicken does indeed make more sense. i thought a boiler chicken was some special chicken raised for boiling and then consumption purposes in places like bismi biriyani center.

Anonymous said...

Hai Kuzhali, I would very much like to know your opinions on some questions which have been troubling me. I don't know if you will find time to answer but I would really like to know your opinion because often I think your blog is the smartest thing I have read.

Firstly: Porn. Teh internetz is full of it and sometimes I enjai it like anything (well some of it) but also it bothers me. Is it wrong to enjai? What of the next generation with everybody seeing all smutty things very young? I very much like this story of yours which seems to be about the problematic nature of porn also and I thought maybe you will share your thoughts on the ethics of all the smut.

Secondly: Digging one's nose in public. Is it Indian culture? Is wishing that people would stop digging their noses in public and examining their bogies on the road in broad daylight against Indian culture? Is nose-digging holding India back from becoming a superpower and world-class A1 tourist destination or is it a natural practice that we only find repulsive because we were colonized for so many years by repressed British people with small nostrils? Pls I will be very much grateful if you can share your thoughts on this also.

kuzhali manickavel said...

Hai anonymous!11 On endeavouring to answer your question on pr0n consumption in India, I found my answer extending into blog post essay proportions. So I have decided to address your query via a blog post sometime in the near future. This will be very much against the Indian culture but since I’m actually a white dude from Finland it should be ok I think.

Regarding public nose-digging, I have to say that I have actually seen white people and othercolored people do this so maybe it is not part of Indian culture. But also, I have seen white people and othercolored people wishing that people would not pick their respective nostrils in public. So maybe that is not part of Indian culture also. So I guess what I am coming to say is I just don’t know yougaiz.

Sarpvinash said...

Eeyore come today its too early. Eeyore come tomorrow its too late.

kuzhali manickavel said...

i think this come today/come tomorrow, too early/too late angst forms a big part of eeyore's depression

kari said...

I don't know whether to get angry or not over what the Chao person said. That's my rational westernised self speaking. Of course I became angry. I didn't wait around making weighted judgements on the nature of the person speaking and the beauty of forgiving your fellow humans. I can be all understanding and taking the upper moral ground. But, that is the easy way out in this situ. If you don't feel a sting from what was obviously a deeply buried racial prejudice, then I don't know how you can call yourself anything better than an insect. Routhiram Pazhagu!! Not to burn buses in the road, but to be free from prejudice and bigotry, to walk with pride.

kuzhali manickavel said...

i think the best thing to come out of this whole kerfuffle was a truly illustrious contingency that thinks we should all grow up because 'tamilians are dark and dusty only' because we live in tropical country and there is lots of dust here and stuff.

also an illustrious newspaper informs me that Maureen Chao is leaving Chennaiposting. oh whale.

Koinon3a said...

@kuzhali - You just assumed that I'm still married. Sniff.

kuzhali manickavel said...

you are not the matrimonialed, ah? then comeawn, we can make the marriages and enjai like anything

Anonymous said...

Waitaminit. She is sorry if her remarks offended anyone? Whatever insincere yet real apologies where people are sorry about saying stupid things. I demand a real fake apology.

kuzhali manickavel said...

isn't that wording soclever? it's like, YOU got a offended but imma take the high road here and be sorry that you felt offended. alas, i fear the golden age of the real fake apology has gone forever *sniff*

Shri said...

:-D!!!

kuzhali manickavel said...

:)!!!

 

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