Sunday, December 18, 2011

tawa is a hot iron girdle used by women in Indian culture


This blog post title is a good example of how I learn something new and amazing about Indian culture every day. I thought a tawa was used for the cooking purposes. Little did I know that this contraption is actually for holding all that Indian culture together. Did you know this? I did not know this. I think so this is what makes Indian women so great so hats off to you gals and congrats on your hot iron girdles, thank you for your efforts in supporting Indian culture. 

I now want to talk about one of my favorite pastimes. This is something I used to do a lot. I don’t do it as much anymore, not because I ‘learned my lesson’ but because I don’t go out as much. If I did, I’m sure I’d still be doing this. So anyway, sometimes when trying to be all badass and ‘one with the people’, one goes to rough and tumble places like tea kadais or hotels, where we eat on banana leaves! This is often done so you can tell people later about how you are so badass you sometimes eat off banana leaves. If one is very lucky, one will spot a small child, cleaning or washing up in the local eating vicinity. After being satiated and satisfied by a ‘common man’s meal’ which one can write about later that might (fingers crossed!) be picked up by a foreign publication, one calls one of these small children over. Small child is busy working but will come if you call them because that’s what they do. You ask them their name, ask them why they aren’t in school, and then (my favorite part!!111) you launch into a very big lecture about how education is important and small person should go to school, study hard to get first rank, learn computers and English and achieve great things. I would often say things like ‘when I come here next time, I don’t want to see you here. You better be in school!’ I was totally not coming back but small person doesn’t need to know that. It’s important to give children something to hope for and telling poor kids that I’m coming back gives them hope. 

If some adult was locally available, I liked to pull them up too, pointing out the many schemes and special measures available to help children ‘like that’. There’s reservation for poor folk! Free textbooks! Free laptops! It’s so EASY to get educated and be more better! But you have to work hard! You have to work hard to get this easy education! You have to work hard at working hard and work hard because you have to work hard. I am not poor (thangod!) but I can speak English so I feel totally qualified to tell you what you should be doing with yourself. Clearly you don’t know all this so imma sit back and tell you all about it while I wait for some transportation to take me back to civilization. 

This was my favorite pastime for many reasons- it made me feel smart and good about myself. It made me feel like I ‘made a difference’, that there will be one less uneducated child in the world because of me- I didn’t even have to do anything, I just had to talk like I knew what I was talking about! I liked to believe that my advice also helped to fight poverty in some way because if poor people were more smart, they’d know that poverty is a bad thing, right? And they wouldn’t do it, right?  Later on, when I needed to argue with people about Indian topics, these kinds of incidents made me feel like I am qualified to talk about things. 

The idea of poor folk winning at life and teaching these poor folk how to win at life is a wonderful topic for cinema- some of my favorite Tamil movies are about this. I can’t tell you how heartwarming and empowering it is to see movies where poor child woke up early, cooked food for sick mother, studied by candlelight while rocking baby sister in arms, then went out to work three jobs, ate one meal a day, and did all sorts of mad studying in between that equipped him with the skills necessary to fight corruption and smack the brown off English-speaking chicks in jeans. Did I mention that by earning two paisa a day, he was able to become a millionaire when he was big because he didn’t waste his money on bad poorpeople things like alcohol and beedis? And he beat poverty! In two hours! I mean if he can do it in two hours, what’s with all the poor people in real life? Why are they going to movies and buying cell phones when they should… be doing whatever it is poor people are supposed to do to make them not poor?

This pastime of mine was a good thing to do for fun, especially when the small child in question was photogenic. And it certainly makes great fiction, esp. when you write about third world countries where people are third world and stuff but then they work hard and become first world winners. I’m just not sure if one should write how-not-to-be-poor internet articles about it though. Gene Marks has received a lot of slack for this article and I feel like none of this fallout would have happened if this had simbly been timepass kept outside the internet or if it was a fiction piece or best of all, a Tamil movie. A Tamil movie is always a good option because you can include song and dance numbers, fight sequence and we always appreciate it when people use technical computer words like Google. 

Now let us talk about RuPaul. I was informed that I shouldn’t blog about RuPaul’s Drag Race anymore because men aren’t supposed to dress like women because they are supposed to dress like men because they are men. Also my blog posts which are incomprehensible on a good day somehow disintegrate entirely when I talk about RuPaul. And anyway, Logo still isn’t letting nonAmericans watch the show online but they let us see the Meet the Queens clip for the new season? So that we can all feel bad in our nonAmerican countries? So I will just say #TEAMSHARONNEEDLES!!!11 Season 4 is going to be CANCELLED!!1

Now I want to talk about Kalasala song from Osthi. I like this song because LR Easwari sounds nice autotuned and the chorus is great slow-motion walking music. Although there also seems to be a dog panting in the middle and it is little unnerving to hear T Rajendar screaming Ikada Ra Ra into your ear. According to this clip, LR Easwari is the Asha Bhonsle of the South. Is LR Easwari some indecipherable thing that can only be understood in terms of Asha Bhonsle? Or does this mean that Asha Bhonsle is the LR Easwari of the North? I cannot able to understand this. Similarly, I cannot able to understand when people say that Bengaluru is the Silicon Valley/ Boston/Manchester/ Greater Matcham Scratchings in Lower Market Snodpicket of India. Or that Chennai is ‘the Texas of South India’. What does that even mean? It means ‘ohai! I mentioned Texas so that I can tell all you coll people that I have been to Texas, which is the Chennai of the United States.’

Anyway, the Kalasala clip also says that T. Rajendar is the RD Burman of the South. The accepted practice is that whenever someone mentions T. Rajendar on the internet, you have to immediately link to a ‘t rajendar speaking english’ video and go lol at t rajendar speaking English lol. Instead of doing that, I would like to share this interview clip which actually features Simbu and some other dudes but it also has T Rajendar so it’s basically just all about T Rajendar talkingdancingsingingmakingastrologicalpredictionmakingpoetryplayingdrumbeatboxingtakingoffwatch and everyone else gets reduced to pieces of furniture that sometimes talk. I’m not sure of this proves that he is the RD Burman of the South but anyway. I remember once I heard T Rajendar speaking during election tyme and he said ‘Vaiko, nee oru psycho’ and I went lol but also felt bad for Vaiko but not very much so. #kalasala #thankyoupiratedvisumoviesforevaforsendingthisclip

I would now like to say bai with this Golden Tweet from Shahid Kapoor.
‘Too bloody random ... So seize every moment n juice it ... Cause it'll never come back ... Work hard always did .. Party harder ! Loca style’

bindaaz4lyffe muthafuckaz

Sunday, December 4, 2011

i am very much not aware and least bothered also


Haifraans. I unfortunately have come back in the return. With myself, I bring this wholly incoherent and incomprehensible blog post consisting of things I have seen/heard/read/thought about in the last couple of months. The post is too long also and I am so sorry. Okso these are some interesting lines that I thought were interesting.

  • I am very much not aware and least bothered also
I feel this is a great thing to say in general. It is also very helpful in so many situations in our daily life. For instance, acquaintance gives you her demonchild to hold even though you have made it quite clear that you will drop demonchild if she gives it to you. She gives it to you anyway because you are an unmarried woman and you need to learn how to carry other people’s babies. As was foretold by you, you drop said demonchild and acquaintance is all #rage and ‘you dropped my child!’ and you’re like ‘I am very much not aware and least bothered also’ ok that’s a bad example and you totally shouldn't drop other people's demonchildren because it's so mean.

  • Paper carrot cannot be used in the preparation of broth.
this is from a half-page color adtypething that appeared on the front page of The New Indian Express. I think it was for the promotion of Indianness which is a very promotable thing
  • From the year 2000 onwards Americans have continuously received Nobel Prizes for Economics, but American Economy is doing both rock ‘n’ roll and kathakali dances. 
from selfsame aforementioned adtypething

  • Ha!oh…
from Antha Asingamana Padam aka The Dirty Picture song Ooh la la, thank you for bringing back this oldskool itemgirl sound and thank you also for proving that an item girl can still be lucrative even when she is dead. That is the best kind of item girl evar.

Then I wrote a story and it got published yougaiz!!11 This hasn’t happened very much lately so I am excited. The story is called Discuss How India Will Become A Prosperous And Secure Nation In The Next Five Years, which is very much in keeping with the Indian culture. So thank you to Indian culture and to Ani Smith for helping this story to exist and giving it a place to sit. 

Then I went to Karnataka! I trekked barefoot among the mofussil areas, ate with tribal people in forestmountains, imbibed strong alcoholic and narcotic products usually consumed by “poor people” thus proving im badass in a native sort of way, got typhoidmalariacholera and cured myself through sheer willpower, wrote a novel longhand on deadleaves and watched sunrises from isolated jungle areatypethings and now I’m going to tell you ALL about it. Actually I just went to Bengaluru and ate a lot of fast food and wore socks. I remember seeing three things of interest there.

  • A license plate that said ‘Hai Lord Venki!’ .idk, it seemed interesting then. not so much now
  • An ad that was superexcited about a female deejay who was female and had female deejaying powers which are female which means they have boobies like in the picture of the female deejay with boobies. This ad made me feel so bad for the mandeejays who don’t get this kind of publicity because so many of them are flat-chested and they lack the ability to spin dubstep with their uteruses.#papercarrotcannotbeusedinthepreparationofbroth #sexismismeanyougaiz
  • Then I saw this billboard of Rob Schneider’s face in the blore latenight sky and thought to myself ‘o mai cheezuz  adam sandler’s massive face is hanging like an American sun in the night of the india sky! Surely this is a sign that we will rise and become great world power through the power of Walmart!'# americaneconomyisdoingbothrock ‘n’ rollandkathakalidances

And now, just as it was every Indian’s duty to join AnnaHazareMovement, I must now talk about the Kolaveri song. I like this song for the following reasons.
  • It is nice to see a Tamil video clip go viral without it involving Baby Simbu and someone on Buzzfeed calling it ‘crazy I don’t even know what the fuck is going on here Bollywood song’, which would inevitably lead to a comment that Indians shouldn’t be making movies because we so po’# papercarrotcannotbeusedinthepreparationofbroth, #Ha!oh…
  • I am very appreciative of songs that don’t have boyfellows in jeanspant talking about how girlfellows in jeanspant are ruining Tamil culture because they are wearing jeanspant, said the boyfellow in the jeanspant. This often leads to speculation that girlfellow needs onetightslap because that’s the most effective way to save Tamil culture. #betteryoucanavoidit, #soupboyswhodontwanttoslapyourfaceareawesome
  • It made Kamaal R Khan say this on Twitter.
Take one box of tin and put some coins in and shake it so you will hear malayalam language and for me kolaweri song is same. #Ha!oh... #maintainplease #notestakinginthehandsnackstaking #pahpahpahpah
  • Songs in strange phoren languages are often translated but this song gave an opportunity for the erudite and the in-the-know to “decode” it. Why it needs decoding? Because it is not written in phoren language. It is written in magical unicorn alien language called “Mangled Tamil/ Broken English.” This is a very unique language spoken by magical Tamil people and broken English people, Superstar, and the engsteryouth who are doing both kathakali and rock n roll dances. Did I mention that the language is weird? Because wow it’s just lykke so weird yougaiz. How weird? So weird that peeps kept talking about how their Injun peeps in America and the UK thought it was so weird. This is golden rule- when something weird happens in India, don’t talk to the Indians living in India about it. Talk to people who don’t live here or who used to know people who lived here in 1974, as they will be most knowledgeable and have the grassroots and current information regarding this and all items and itemnumbers generally. Also mangled or broken is always a good way to describe something that’s different.#onlyenglish #pahpahpahpah #holycowdyingnow
  • I like how the white skin- black heart line implied that Tamil people were racist against white women. Or was it women in general. Or was it women having heart defects. Idk, anyway, this led me to fondly recollect some of my favorite stereotypes about South Indian Woman as a whole because apparently South Indian mainly means Tamil, little bit Malayalam, kindabutnotreally Telugu and a lolzurnotreallySouthIndianbutwhatevs amount of Kannadiga. Some of these stereotypes are culled from the internet, others from real life, all of them are true because people say so. Also, one should never blog about stereotypes because they are racist. #wadachangeovermama #nowtunechange

South Indian Women Are all Fucking DogHippos with no Dress Sense

This one is little confusing because I’m not sure if it means every single one of us is similar to the mythical doghippopotamus with regard to facial features, body mass and structure or if every single South Indian woman is allegedly in constant states of fornication with doghippopotami. Considering that many folks on the internet like to see ‘south indian bending aunty fucking’ and ‘south indian aunty fucking and feeling pain’, perhaps the fucking doghippo is just another facet of this surprisingly rich oeuvre. Also there seems to be some implication that our South Indianness robs us of the sense to dress, which is why we all lack the skills necessary to cover our boobies and crotchimus areas when we go out in the publics. You were wondering about that, no? Well this is whybecause. Overall very much against the Indian culture, especially the fucking hippos part. #ha!oh…

South Indian Women are all Beautiful, Smart, Witty, Funny, Clever, Intelligent, Sexy, Cool, Great, Wonderful, Talented, Beautiful, Smart, Witty, Funny, Clever

Ok so someone says that South Indian women are fucking doghippos and not having any dress sense and someone else valiantly defends us all by saying ALL SOUTH INDIAN ARE BEAUTIFUL SMART TALENTED SEXY etc etc. Aw. Here you are, thinking you’re smart because you read a lot and stuff like that but it’s really because you’re South Indian! This exercise is called killing the face of people who say bad things about South Indians by nice things about South Indians, which is very #winning because it involves defending the South Indian women who were not in a position to defend themselves, possibly because they were too busy fucking doghippos. It has been my experience that these righteous flowers of praise are often followed by lines like ‘I love South Indian food’, which always makes me nervous because I wonder if this means that I have to cook for them as a way of saying thank you for defending my South Indian Womanhood. Once someone said ‘one of my friends used to be South Indian’. And that also scared me because I was like, what do you mean ‘used to be’, what happened to them , did you eat them? No shade though, I totes do the same thing- I mean whenever I see a white person, which isn’t that often, I like to tell them how much I like English music and that I read English books and can even speak English sometimes and will you adopt me as your thirdworld Indian child please? Also I feel like this stereotype is scary like that one angle who will talk about how he loves all South Indian women. ALL of them. Without exception. And you immediately make mentalnote to stay very far away from him all the time forever. #omaikarpu

All South Indian Women Are Dark Which Is Perfectly Ok Because I like Dark Women! Actually I Prefer Them!

Thangod!1111 We would have been in big trouble if you didn’t like and prefer our deskyseksual South Indian darkness! We as a people were going to commit collective suicide and now you have given us a reason to live. Now, what happens when you come across a South Indian woman and she is not ‘dark’? Does it mean she isn’t South Indian? Yes that’s exactly what it means. ALL South Indian women are dark. Every last one of them. But someone has said that’s perfectly ok for us to be like that so we should try and be ok with that too.

Please don’t leave me comments saying all this means I hate Naan South Indians or that you’d like to add your own stereotypes to this list because frankly this blog can only take so much truth in one posting. 

kbai u coll peepal bindaaz4lyffe

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