Sunday, December 4, 2011

i am very much not aware and least bothered also

Haifraans. I unfortunately have come back in the return. With myself, I bring this wholly incoherent and incomprehensible blog post consisting of things I have seen/heard/read/thought about in the last couple of months. The post is too long also and I am so sorry. Okso these are some interesting lines that I thought were interesting.

  • I am very much not aware and least bothered also
I feel this is a great thing to say in general. It is also very helpful in so many situations in our daily life. For instance, acquaintance gives you her demonchild to hold even though you have made it quite clear that you will drop demonchild if she gives it to you. She gives it to you anyway because you are an unmarried woman and you need to learn how to carry other people’s babies. As was foretold by you, you drop said demonchild and acquaintance is all #rage and ‘you dropped my child!’ and you’re like ‘I am very much not aware and least bothered also’ ok that’s a bad example and you totally shouldn't drop other people's demonchildren because it's so mean.

  • Paper carrot cannot be used in the preparation of broth.
this is from a half-page color adtypething that appeared on the front page of The New Indian Express. I think it was for the promotion of Indianness which is a very promotable thing
  • From the year 2000 onwards Americans have continuously received Nobel Prizes for Economics, but American Economy is doing both rock ‘n’ roll and kathakali dances. 
from selfsame aforementioned adtypething

  • Ha!oh…
from Antha Asingamana Padam aka The Dirty Picture song Ooh la la, thank you for bringing back this oldskool itemgirl sound and thank you also for proving that an item girl can still be lucrative even when she is dead. That is the best kind of item girl evar.

Then I wrote a story and it got published yougaiz!!11 This hasn’t happened very much lately so I am excited. The story is called Discuss How India Will Become A Prosperous And Secure Nation In The Next Five Years, which is very much in keeping with the Indian culture. So thank you to Indian culture and to Ani Smith for helping this story to exist and giving it a place to sit. 

Then I went to Karnataka! I trekked barefoot among the mofussil areas, ate with tribal people in forestmountains, imbibed strong alcoholic and narcotic products usually consumed by “poor people” thus proving im badass in a native sort of way, got typhoidmalariacholera and cured myself through sheer willpower, wrote a novel longhand on deadleaves and watched sunrises from isolated jungle areatypethings and now I’m going to tell you ALL about it. Actually I just went to Bengaluru and ate a lot of fast food and wore socks. I remember seeing three things of interest there.

  • A license plate that said ‘Hai Lord Venki!’ .idk, it seemed interesting then. not so much now
  • An ad that was superexcited about a female deejay who was female and had female deejaying powers which are female which means they have boobies like in the picture of the female deejay with boobies. This ad made me feel so bad for the mandeejays who don’t get this kind of publicity because so many of them are flat-chested and they lack the ability to spin dubstep with their uteruses.#papercarrotcannotbeusedinthepreparationofbroth #sexismismeanyougaiz
  • Then I saw this billboard of Rob Schneider’s face in the blore latenight sky and thought to myself ‘o mai cheezuz  adam sandler’s massive face is hanging like an American sun in the night of the india sky! Surely this is a sign that we will rise and become great world power through the power of Walmart!'# americaneconomyisdoingbothrock ‘n’ rollandkathakalidances

And now, just as it was every Indian’s duty to join AnnaHazareMovement, I must now talk about the Kolaveri song. I like this song for the following reasons.
  • It is nice to see a Tamil video clip go viral without it involving Baby Simbu and someone on Buzzfeed calling it ‘crazy I don’t even know what the fuck is going on here Bollywood song’, which would inevitably lead to a comment that Indians shouldn’t be making movies because we so po’# papercarrotcannotbeusedinthepreparationofbroth, #Ha!oh…
  • I am very appreciative of songs that don’t have boyfellows in jeanspant talking about how girlfellows in jeanspant are ruining Tamil culture because they are wearing jeanspant, said the boyfellow in the jeanspant. This often leads to speculation that girlfellow needs onetightslap because that’s the most effective way to save Tamil culture. #betteryoucanavoidit, #soupboyswhodontwanttoslapyourfaceareawesome
  • It made Kamaal R Khan say this on Twitter.
Take one box of tin and put some coins in and shake it so you will hear malayalam language and for me kolaweri song is same. #Ha!oh... #maintainplease #notestakinginthehandsnackstaking #pahpahpahpah
  • Songs in strange phoren languages are often translated but this song gave an opportunity for the erudite and the in-the-know to “decode” it. Why it needs decoding? Because it is not written in phoren language. It is written in magical unicorn alien language called “Mangled Tamil/ Broken English.” This is a very unique language spoken by magical Tamil people and broken English people, Superstar, and the engsteryouth who are doing both kathakali and rock n roll dances. Did I mention that the language is weird? Because wow it’s just lykke so weird yougaiz. How weird? So weird that peeps kept talking about how their Injun peeps in America and the UK thought it was so weird. This is golden rule- when something weird happens in India, don’t talk to the Indians living in India about it. Talk to people who don’t live here or who used to know people who lived here in 1974, as they will be most knowledgeable and have the grassroots and current information regarding this and all items and itemnumbers generally. Also mangled or broken is always a good way to describe something that’s different.#onlyenglish #pahpahpahpah #holycowdyingnow
  • I like how the white skin- black heart line implied that Tamil people were racist against white women. Or was it women in general. Or was it women having heart defects. Idk, anyway, this led me to fondly recollect some of my favorite stereotypes about South Indian Woman as a whole because apparently South Indian mainly means Tamil, little bit Malayalam, kindabutnotreally Telugu and a lolzurnotreallySouthIndianbutwhatevs amount of Kannadiga. Some of these stereotypes are culled from the internet, others from real life, all of them are true because people say so. Also, one should never blog about stereotypes because they are racist. #wadachangeovermama #nowtunechange

South Indian Women Are all Fucking DogHippos with no Dress Sense

This one is little confusing because I’m not sure if it means every single one of us is similar to the mythical doghippopotamus with regard to facial features, body mass and structure or if every single South Indian woman is allegedly in constant states of fornication with doghippopotami. Considering that many folks on the internet like to see ‘south indian bending aunty fucking’ and ‘south indian aunty fucking and feeling pain’, perhaps the fucking doghippo is just another facet of this surprisingly rich oeuvre. Also there seems to be some implication that our South Indianness robs us of the sense to dress, which is why we all lack the skills necessary to cover our boobies and crotchimus areas when we go out in the publics. You were wondering about that, no? Well this is whybecause. Overall very much against the Indian culture, especially the fucking hippos part. #ha!oh…

South Indian Women are all Beautiful, Smart, Witty, Funny, Clever, Intelligent, Sexy, Cool, Great, Wonderful, Talented, Beautiful, Smart, Witty, Funny, Clever

Ok so someone says that South Indian women are fucking doghippos and not having any dress sense and someone else valiantly defends us all by saying ALL SOUTH INDIAN ARE BEAUTIFUL SMART TALENTED SEXY etc etc. Aw. Here you are, thinking you’re smart because you read a lot and stuff like that but it’s really because you’re South Indian! This exercise is called killing the face of people who say bad things about South Indians by nice things about South Indians, which is very #winning because it involves defending the South Indian women who were not in a position to defend themselves, possibly because they were too busy fucking doghippos. It has been my experience that these righteous flowers of praise are often followed by lines like ‘I love South Indian food’, which always makes me nervous because I wonder if this means that I have to cook for them as a way of saying thank you for defending my South Indian Womanhood. Once someone said ‘one of my friends used to be South Indian’. And that also scared me because I was like, what do you mean ‘used to be’, what happened to them , did you eat them? No shade though, I totes do the same thing- I mean whenever I see a white person, which isn’t that often, I like to tell them how much I like English music and that I read English books and can even speak English sometimes and will you adopt me as your thirdworld Indian child please? Also I feel like this stereotype is scary like that one angle who will talk about how he loves all South Indian women. ALL of them. Without exception. And you immediately make mentalnote to stay very far away from him all the time forever. #omaikarpu

All South Indian Women Are Dark Which Is Perfectly Ok Because I like Dark Women! Actually I Prefer Them!

Thangod!1111 We would have been in big trouble if you didn’t like and prefer our deskyseksual South Indian darkness! We as a people were going to commit collective suicide and now you have given us a reason to live. Now, what happens when you come across a South Indian woman and she is not ‘dark’? Does it mean she isn’t South Indian? Yes that’s exactly what it means. ALL South Indian women are dark. Every last one of them. But someone has said that’s perfectly ok for us to be like that so we should try and be ok with that too.

Please don’t leave me comments saying all this means I hate Naan South Indians or that you’d like to add your own stereotypes to this list because frankly this blog can only take so much truth in one posting. 

kbai u coll peepal bindaaz4lyffe


be_slayed said...

If they eat Naan then they can't be South Indians that's why they are called Naan South Indians. [Was implicit in your text]

Blaftpunk said...

This blog post is too long.

Rajiv said...

this is just incredible brilliance

longblackveil said...

Guaahahahaha, WTF is that 'Ashwini Ye Na' video and how did you find...okaydontevengothere.
Welcome back in the return, Kuzhali. As you are aware we have been waiting in an almost creepy stalker-like fashion for you. Don't afraid!
Being of non-South Indian background, and in fact not even Indi... [okay, let's leave my politics out of this], may I congratulate you on neatly laying down the various All South Indian Women stereotypes in such coherent and enjoyable fashion? The 'fucking doghippos' phenomenon was a real cultural eye-opener.
[BTW all Kashmiri girls being flowers and light-skinned is also a useful stereotype one should kill.]
Don't disappear again. Your vision of a prosperous India is top notch and mubarak max for being published so many times. Vaaow.
Okay now I'm going to go practise some Ashwini Ye Na moves, thank you.
Dev Anand died. Bye.

Mode said...

Was the ad for the "female DJ" an ad for DJ Digital Hippie? My cousin is a DJ in Bangalore.

Anonymous said...

you are back! you are back! you are back!
so long i was waiting, and now all my lifedreams came true. #Ha! oh...

Anonymous said...

Hi!! i can't say about ALL south india's womankind but this ONE south indian woman i know is like the most awesome ever even though I have no idea if she really really likes the kolaveri song. That's all I really wanted to say though it's probs not relevant here in this esteemed forum about all kinds of serious stuff. And oh ya. I also wanted to say: WELCOME BACK!!!! and you were painfully missed. I also want to ask, did you have any frenchfries in bengaluru? or any freshgreensaladwithnodressing? or hotasschillifirebuttermilk? Cos bengaluru is famous for these famous southindian dishes. Please reply me back at your earliest convenience.

Manasi Subramaniam said...

Write another book, Kuzhali!

Aishwarya said...

I was most bothered at your absence.

I have one number one problem. I myself am not so desky - with is okay for doing undercover in the North. But questions arising are as follows:

1. Do I get to be/copulate with a doghippo?

Such crises of identity are coming.

mixdbrew said...

May I proclaim that I'm in love with you? :)

Anonymous said...

You're so stylish ya. I like it.
But my ignorant mind thought stylish people are from colaba or south delhi or something like that.Chidambaram to prime minister ka naam hai. How are you gainfully employed there? Also if you disclose that information, Imight come and rape you.

kuzhali manickavel said...

@ be_slayed- this is very true.

@ Blaftpunk- I know, right? Sorry yougaiz.

@ Rajiv- thanksya for reading and appreciating :)

@longblackveil- haimaifraand! one day we should do Ashwini Ye Na dance together, I will bring a broom. also I think you are proposing radical radicalism by stating that kashimiri girls-lightskinned-flowers notion is a stereotype. for one thing, it will just be very confusing for peeps who think all the dark people are in the south and all the lightskinned people are in the north.

@ Mode- no, I don’t think this was the “female DJ” in question. i remember that the ad I saw was very big on the female and not so big on the DJ element.

@ anonymous – ohai! Thank you for your warmwelcome and also for using #Ha!oh… . #winning

@anonymous2- ohai! I did indeed have french-fries. I had a lot of french-fries actually. It would be safe to say that I mainly consumed candy and French fries on my trip to Bengaluru. I think French fries are my most favorite South Indian dish.

@ Manasi- haifraand! I feel I should write oneanother book also.

@ Aishwarya- hai mai coll fraand! You have posed some very serious questions here mainly because the nondesky South Indian girl is like unicorn- some people claim to have seen but the majority believe it cannot exist. You can still able to copulate with doghippo if you can find three character witnesses who can vouch for your South Indianness. You can also able to apply for the I AM BEAUTIFUL SMART TALENTED SEXY South Indian ID card but I don’t know if it’s available in North. Also, hai!

@ mixdbrew- aw, fullblushing and all happening :)

@anonymous- a rape comment! gotta remember the following

a)It’s a joke, must learn to take a joke
b)It’s a compliment, must learn to take a compliment
c)Rape is just a word and it's not like words mean anything

Also I was called stylish and that always makes threats of inflicting sexual violence ok, right?

Seriously though, I’ve published that comment mainly to say that if anyone else wants to share similar rapey sentiments, kindly do it elsewhere kthnx.

Anonymous said...

@rapeyanonymous- rapey comments are so uncool yougaiz. better you can avoid it.

kuzhali manickavel said...

i am agree with you 100%

Anonymous said...

ugh. I think rapeyanonymous was trying his/her hand at sarcasm. Muz lose that word yo.

The boulder said...

Can the boulder be sorry for using bad verds. The boulder was referring to rapey trolls on blogs and walked right into the ditch.

Sorry yougaiz.

But seriously what ARE you doing in Chidambaram? Now that the boulder is evil and country you can chose to ignore him.


rapeyanonymous a.k.a the boulder.

WiseDonkay said...

Damn blogger ate my looong comment.

Anyways, its totes souper mama to see you back here.

I have also bought your book for 30% off from Flipkart. I was worried at phurst because I thought I would 30% of the book missing, but then they assured i would get the book but slightly delay could be there because courier people dont deliver to my address. Why? I live in South Wajiristan? No right? Then? Then what! I fought with them and they sent it via FedEx and now i am proud owner of your onenumberbook :)

Aishwarya said...

Rape comment! I cannot think of some cool way of saying how fucked up that is, therefore - that is deeply fucked up, anonymous. WTH were you thinking?

(Hai back, Kuzhali! I have missed you very perpetually and longingly also)

kuzhali manickavel said...

@anonymous- you know, once this illustrious person was expounding on how chicks should chill the fuck out over the word ‘rape’ because it’s just like the word ‘kill’. And I was like, omg did you just actually open your mouth and say that? how embarrassing for you! Also i feel like people generally know what ‘kill’ means but there are an overwhelming number of people who think rape just means fuck #scaryshit

@ the boulder- it’s not that I think rape is a bad word, just that i don’t like publishing anonymous comments that talk about raping me. It’s a personal choice, really. What am I doing in Chidambaram? Not much. Sometimes I go outside. And sometimes I come back inside. But that’s about it. Also the boulder’s vid was lolz

@ WiseDonkay- ohai! how soopar it is to see you here also maifraand. I am so pleased that you have bot my book, I hope you read and enjai. While you do not reside in south wajiristan, I do recall seeing your address on the courier when you sent me my KaviKala copy and I remember thinking wow that is longaddress min. behind/beyond bus stand and all was happening I think. Maybe that scared couriercompany.

@aishwarya- aw, you are nice and I like you very much. Now someone will tell us to get a room or something.

Anonymous said...

@aishwarya @kuzhali get a room you two.

kuzhali manickavel said...

yah cawmawn eyesoo (dear aishwarya, i am so sorry for calling you eyesoo on the internet.)

Anonymous said...

Welcome Back K! Semma piece. Your blog entries never cease to shock me and and send down thrill-shivers down me spine, sorta like peeping at a aunty bathing and fukking.

kuzhali manickavel said...

hai, thangs for reading and warmwelcome also :) you know someone landed on my blog looking for 'slum auntys fukuing south india' and i thought ok that's a new one.

Madhuri Maram/iruhdam said...

You haz arrived! :D Although I read this on the day you published, my somberi ways made me comment now!

you haz to come on twitter, pleeeeeez! :D

asympt0te said...

Still trying to wrap my head around this blog and the reactions. Nevertheless, this blog offers an interesting case study into group behavior and how internet memes evolve. It also could be that the meme on this blog is a channel for exuberance, along the lines of Aliaa Magda Elmahdy, albeit in prose.

The reactions almost seem to be a case of nervous camaraderie emphasized by LOLs and ROFLs that takes voyeuristic pleasure in the novelty of reading graphic language by a woman often stacked against a demure stereotype.

Like I said, I am still trying to wrap my head around the blogger-commenter interaction here.

kuzhali manickavel said...

@ Madhuri Maram/iruhdam- haifraand! thanks for reading i say. twitter dont want ma, already facebook phailness is happening. i do like hashtags tho

@ asympt0te- and i am trying to wrap my head around your comment mainly because i thot this was just a blog and hardly worth the use of such weighty phrases as 'interesting case study into group behavior' and 'voyeuristic pleasure in the novelty of reading graphic language by a woman often stacked against a demure stereotype'. still, i think those words add a certain je ne sais quoi to the atmos here. also, hai :)

Anonymous said...

Female DJs, like female instrumentalists, are somewhat rare. This seems to hold broadly across most cultures I'm aware of. Why? Is it that females have some biological tendency to prefer to express themselves musically with their voices rather than with tools? Or is it because it's frowned upon or actively discouraged? Or maybe it's just self-perpetuating, like when you're a young girl you don't want to join the drum class because it's full of obnoxious young boys? Anyway I wonder about this. I like women who play instruments, especially when they play loud punk and stuff. I also wish there were more girl percussionists in Indian classical music and folk music. I have heard of a thapattam troupe from Kanchipuram but never seen them and now Chennai Sangamam is not happening anymore I guess, which is totally sad.

kuzhali manickavel said...

i don't know if they're rare, maybe they're just not mainstream and they're off doing their thing somewhere else. the point i was trying to make about the female dj was that it was unfortunate that her femaleness seemed to be the unique selling proposition, like the dj part was an afterthought.

Loafer said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Loafer said...

You rock! Thatizaboutall of the words that my mind whichhazbeenblown is capable of saying right now.
Thanks for making my day, I will look forward to your future posts and backward for your past posts.
I salute you.

Bill the Butcher said...

This is just incredible brilliance. A friend provided the link and I read it while on the loo.

My congratulations.

kuzhali manickavel said...

@Loafer- thangyouso much for reading and saying nice things, I salute you also :)

@Bill the Butcher- thangyou to you also, hope it made for pleasant looreading

Loafer said...

Btw, this post also made me buy your book. And I wanted to be able to say to you directly that you are a great writer, and I will look forward to reading more books by you.

kuzhali manickavel said...

ohai Sujay/Loafer- first, apologies for getting to your comment so late, i was internetless for a while. thank you so much for buying my book and saying nice things about it also, much much appreciated :)


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