Sunday, May 20, 2012

i don't know why you look so sad but I'd like to take you home, try to put the roll back in your eyes

This blog post title is taken from the song ‘I’m Your Man’ by Ronn Moss who is that guy who played Ridge Forrester on The Bold and the Beautiful. This line is about taking melancholic people home in order to stuff various baked goods into their eyes. Like ohai, you haz a sad? Come to my house, I put LazeezDoubleChickenDoubleEggRoll in your face. This selfsame song has another line that goes ‘if you want some fishes in your ocean, some magic in your potion, I’m your man.’ And also ‘if you want some rhythm in your tango, some fun in your fandango’. Anyway then he also says ‘Well I’m rough around the edges but my poetry is smooth’. It sure is yougaiz! It is smooth like…smooth things that are smooth! Makes a girl wish she had a roll in her eyes. I also thought that maybe he’s saying ‘roll back in your ride’ but ‘roll back in your eyes’ is more better.

Anyway now I need to do my Indianladyblogger duty and say something about a certain article that appeared in a certain publication whose name rhymes with Crimes of India. This certain article talked about the sexuals. I had a lot of difficulty just processing this information because we all know that people don’t have sex in India because it is against our culture. We prefer to just leave such things to the West. Then how we came to have so much of the population explosion in our country if we do not engage in the sexuals? I don’t know yougaiz! It’s like, I just turned around and there were all these brown people all over the place! Someone must have put them there! Ok so I wanted to read the article again, because clearly I don’t really like myself, but I can’t find it! It seems to be missing or I have not looked properly enough because frankly, I didn’t really look for it. What was it about again, the importance of breeding virginal women for betterment of the society or something? Idk. Basically I just wanted to give that article the Great Things About Virgin Women Who are Great Because They Are Great But Mostly Because They are Virgins Award. I also want to give the following awards to-

White People are the Worst Things Evar Award to this article  which apparently says the reason why certain Indian news sites/tabloids were saying things like Breaking News! Why is Aishwarya so fat? Find out why Aishwarya is so fat! is because of white people. Or something. Because that's just something we as Indians would never do on our own because we don't know how to do such things. It's like how we don't know how to to do the sexuals either. Apparently you can find ample evidence of this Aishwaryabashing on a site called which also has a Youtube channel with the following disclaimer 'If you are expecting something sensible than please avoid this channel.' Also want to say that this article gets this award, despite its use of the term ‘yummy mummy’, which frankly is right up there with putting a roll in someone’s eyes. Also fyi, youwhitegaiz are not solely responsible for bringing your ebil body image issues and skin whitening issues to this fair brown land of ours. You are solely responsible for bringing in homosexuality and feminism. Just so we’re clear. 

Musical Truths Among RapeyDouche Tweets Award goes to Sid Mallya who tweeted to say that 'Everyone wants there 15 minuets.' He later corrected ‘there’ to ‘their’, which is really great.
While we’re at it, I’d like to give out the following awards as well. 

The Amazing Carpet Award- This goes to the rather illustrious individual who I encountered during my househunting days. They had what can only be described as a mangy carpet spread out on the mangy floor. When we walked in, said individual said, don’t step on the carpet. I can only guess that they said that so we did not get any mange on our shoes. And then, during the hard sell, they said, see I am giving you this place with carpet also but you must not step on it. I believe this was also the selfsameplace that had a mound of cracked ceramic in one room and this apparently was the Italian design western toilet.

The I Hate Your Face Award- this goes out to all those peeps who followed the ‘basically we don’t prefer to give to unmarried bachelorspinsters. We appreciate families.’ rent policy. I totes understand this because basically I don’t prefer the unmarried bachelor spinsters either because they eat small children and pee on the floor and refuse to use their reproductive organs for what the good lord intended. Families on the other hand usually don’t eat their own children although they may eat someone else’s. Some of them pee on the floor but it’s ok because they are families. 

I would like to keep whining about some of the other places/people I encountered while househunting but this blog post is already too long. So I will do that next week and leave you with this

All About You by Ron Moss- There is a line in here that goes ‘it’s not about your new agent’ and I thought he was saying ‘it’s not about your new Asians.’ 

And because for some reason Ronn Moss reminds me of Zeb Atlas,

Love Hangover by Zeb Atlas and Pearly Gates (Don’t call the plumber! You know that I don’t need it! I don’t think he's saying plumber but whatever)

This blog post was basically about Ronn Moss.



culdivsac said...

Dear Kuzhali, I have a very strong feeling that you're already on the twitters, stalking some of us (ok, that's a daydream. Stalking some of the more famous ones of us). Whatever the whether, you are requested to join the twitters without worrying that some of us, both famous and non-famous, will be stalking the you. (Note to my twitter friends - Of course we will, yougaiz!) In fact, are you knowing that you are already a hashtag, are you knowing it, #kuzhali?

Aishwarya said...

As ladyblogger you must be knowing that now one number (or many numbers) anonymous commentor will offer to provide fun in your fandango. Or will accuse you of having too much fun in your fandango only. I just like saying "fun in your fandango", sorry.

longblackveil said...

Hello. Loved. As usual.
Speaking of bakery in the eyes, this reminds me of the time in my life when I started realising that smashing birthday cake into someone's face was just not nice, wasteful, and possibly permanently damaging to perfectly good party clothes.
Just thought I should mention it.

Ron Moss is forever tainted in my mind not only because of that weird face and abnormal jawline, but also because when I was studying at Bishop Cottons in BLR, back in the previous century, there was this huge billboard featuring him in a shall we say, not-for-family-viewing type of film in a shady porny cinema not 100 yards from our school's gate. Here in the mountains we are all about judging people who act in such blushers. So I judged Ron.

I leave you with some Middle East trivia: Growing up in DXB, B&TB used to be our family's favourite daily evening soap, with the parents and us little kids seated side by side in complete harmony, knowing nothing untoward would happen, because on the local TV station everything non-PG-esque was censored. An entire episode of Bold was about 15 mins on average with fascinating, abrupt cuts and sudden scene changes. Good times.
I think I'm done and so, thank you for the LOLs.

Anonymous said...

There's a comment on the guardian site that quotes the article

"I don't pretend to be an expert on their (Indians') societal mores"

and then bad ass commentator IanCW says

By all means, don't let that stop you.

Shruthi said...

So that virgin article got removed because Biben Laikhurma, yeah that's his reallifename, was abused too much online.

But have you read many other articles by him on the sexuals? You must. Because he's educational fellow.


Lost and Found said...

Hee hee... (giggles like a school girl)Mallya Jr. missed English classes at school. He was attending accent training na! And I think we are just a bunch of hypocrites when it comes to the sexuals. We can be such great idiots, I tell you...

kuzhali manickavel said...

@ culdivsac- haifraand! I’m not on twitter right now tho I sometimes think it would be fun to join simbly just for a fun. If I do, I will let you know :)

@ aishwarya- hai dear. An illustrious acquaintance said that the Indian version could be ‘if you want some magic in your potion, some Rakesh in your Roshan’. I’m sorry, it just seemed funny at the time.

@longblackveil- haidear. I had no idea that ronnmoss did sexual movies like that. Now I have to go and find them. I imagine that the censored versions of B&TB would wholly consist of people looking confused at the dinner table, looking confused in the living room and people standing by the window looking confused. You will come to b’lore for visit?

@ anonymous- lolz, that is awesome :)

@ shruthi- ohai! I am sad to hear that the internets was mean to him. I did try and read some of his other articles but they were on very sexual topics which I can’t able to understand because it is against indian culture

@ lost and found- hai! Well, the sexuals are a very hypocritical thing you know. Unlike virgin women, which are non-hypocritical. That made no sense but whatever.

Aishwarya said...

This Indian version continues to be very funny. (I don't want any Roshan itself but)

kuzhali manickavel said...

there was also 'if you want some ew in your jujitsu, some its inside your Shih Tzu'

which is just a very unnecessary thing to say in general


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