Sunday, May 27, 2012

y u mad tho? cuz i aint even mad.

18 comments
Even though I blogged extensively about Ronn Moss last weekend, it behooves me to blog again this weekend because frankly, I feel like whining. What does this mean? It means that this blog is having its period, so shit’s about to get all emo and uterusy up in here. The good news is that I won’t be blogging next weekend. 

So did yougaiz see this yougaiz? Tote bags, t-shirts, coffee mugs and fridge magnets that say Namaste, Bitches and have that folded Indian hands thing that Indians do, complete with exotic Indian religious symbols also. My first thought when I saw this was, aw man I wanted to think of that first! The product descriptor says, and I quote, “Enlightenment has never been easier. Plus this way you don't have to go to India and swim in raw sewage. (All proceeds benefit charity)”.  I couldn’t help but agree on this one. Because don’t you just hate it when you’re like all in India and stuff and swimming in raw sewage, as it is your wont to do because you live in India, and you’re like ‘I wish I didn’t have to swim in raw sewage. I wish I could swim in chlorinated peewater like the cool people in America.” I am hoping that they will make one another totebag that says ‘Vanakkam you moist motherfuckers’, with religious symbolism of Hinduism, Islam and Christianity neatly lined up at the bottom, thus reflecting the unity in diversity of this country.

That’s not even what I wanted to whine about, I wanted to whine about ebooks. Or I wanted to whine about how other people are whining about ebooks. I’ve always been a little flabbergasted by the good folks who have very strong anti-ebook feelings, especially those who haven’t actually read one and on further investigation, one discovers that they aren’t really sure what an ebook is, they just know they reallyreally hate them and they suck. I know I’m being superracist here but it seems like these illustrious folk always say the same thing- 


'One needs to be able to touch, smell, lick, and fornicate with certain parts of the book’s binding in order to experience the real and truly complete reading experience. Anything else is not reading. Also you can read the words on the pages if you want but this is not necessary.'

Ok first, wow. Second, am I missing something with this booksmell thing? Because I feel like a lot of the books I have been unfortunate enough to smell somehow managed to be sour, bitter and kind of like musty ass and once I may have accidentally inhaled a small silverfish also. This may have been because most of these books were not second or third hand books but eleventy-twelvty hand books which spent a large amount of time on the pavement and people may have peed on them at some point also. Which led me to think, hay maybe this aspect of molesting your reading material as part of your reading experience is actually a privilege. I say this as someone who has often not been able to get my hands on “real” books, but I could access ebooks and podcasted books which were available even in my tiny corner of the world and often for totes free. I think that eating and rubbing a book all over your body may be one of many reading experiences. I don’t think it’s the only one, the real one, the true one, the authentic one, the original one, or the best one ever. Not all of us have the means to buy and do that to our books. Many of us may not want to do that also. I don’t think that means that we are not reading because we are not reading like you are. 


'Ebooks have no soul'

stolen fom here

This gif has nothing to do with anything, much like the argument that ebooks have no soul which quite frankly, is one of those things that makes you feel embarrassed for the person who said it. Feel like it would be more interesting if peeps said, I hate ebooks because they have no large intestine. 


'Ebooks will make it easier for horrific, substandard literature to be published.'

Oh noes! What are we going to do yougaiz??!!! Somebody call the book police so they can save us from the horrific, substandard literature!!!1 When peeps say things like hay if I was the king of the god of everything, I wouldn’t let shit like Twilight get published and I'd teach everyone what good books are, it's scary like Scientology scary. I feel that people will always read things that other people will find horrific and substandard, but even if you don’t respect what they’re reading, maybe we can respect their right to read and like whatever they want to. Which I understand is superscary because if I don’t like it, nobody else is allowed to like it either, right? I feel like the issue here is actually ‘Ebooks will make it easier for horrific, substandard literature to be published.’ Which is probably scary for a lot of people who believe that certain people and certain kinds of writing don’t have a right to be published or read. 


'EBOOKS ARE KILLING REAL BOOKS!!!111 I FUCKING HATE THEM AND I WILL KILL THEM ALL WITH MY FACE WHEN I FINISH TALKING ABOUT HOW MUCH I HATE EBOOKS AND DIGITAL LITERATURE WHILE USING THIS DIGITAL FORMAT!!!1'

First I want to say,

stolen from here


This kind of argument reminds me of the illustrious people who love to tell everyone that they “support gay couples” because unlike "real" couples, gay couples are gay people having gay sex, and if all you know about homosexuality comes from porn, you believe these gay people are having gay sex all the time which just makes them so gay.  It’s similar to this je ne sais quoi that makes us say gay marriage, like it is different from “real” marriage possibly because it consists of gay people having gay sex all the time.

If you work real hard and try to wrench your focus away from the gay sex (which is hard, I know), one realizes that gay couples are just couples and gay marriage is just marriage. And if you take the 'e' and the scary internetedness away from the ebook, you find that the ebook is just a book. People write them and other people read them and hate them or forget them or enjoy them and collect them and take them along on vacay and if the thing isn’t DRMd to death, they share them with other people. It’s a fucking book, whether you like the format or not and while it may not be in keeping with your romantic, privileged and narrow notions of what a book should be, ebooks (and audio books and podcasts) make reading easier and a lot more accessible for a lot of us.

I would like to end this with some anti-ebook quotes by two rather famous authors, which just goes to prove that ebooks really do suck and the ebook haters win.

Maurice Sendak on ebooks-


Ray Bradbury on ebooks-

And because it’s Maurice Sendak and Ray Bradbury I’ll just say 

stolen from here

 Namaste, bitches.

Sunday, May 20, 2012

i don't know why you look so sad but I'd like to take you home, try to put the roll back in your eyes

9 comments
This blog post title is taken from the song ‘I’m Your Man’ by Ronn Moss who is that guy who played Ridge Forrester on The Bold and the Beautiful. This line is about taking melancholic people home in order to stuff various baked goods into their eyes. Like ohai, you haz a sad? Come to my house, I put LazeezDoubleChickenDoubleEggRoll in your face. This selfsame song has another line that goes ‘if you want some fishes in your ocean, some magic in your potion, I’m your man.’ And also ‘if you want some rhythm in your tango, some fun in your fandango’. Anyway then he also says ‘Well I’m rough around the edges but my poetry is smooth’. It sure is yougaiz! It is smooth like…smooth things that are smooth! Makes a girl wish she had a roll in her eyes. I also thought that maybe he’s saying ‘roll back in your ride’ but ‘roll back in your eyes’ is more better.

Anyway now I need to do my Indianladyblogger duty and say something about a certain article that appeared in a certain publication whose name rhymes with Crimes of India. This certain article talked about the sexuals. I had a lot of difficulty just processing this information because we all know that people don’t have sex in India because it is against our culture. We prefer to just leave such things to the West. Then how we came to have so much of the population explosion in our country if we do not engage in the sexuals? I don’t know yougaiz! It’s like, I just turned around and there were all these brown people all over the place! Someone must have put them there! Ok so I wanted to read the article again, because clearly I don’t really like myself, but I can’t find it! It seems to be missing or I have not looked properly enough because frankly, I didn’t really look for it. What was it about again, the importance of breeding virginal women for betterment of the society or something? Idk. Basically I just wanted to give that article the Great Things About Virgin Women Who are Great Because They Are Great But Mostly Because They are Virgins Award. I also want to give the following awards to-

White People are the Worst Things Evar Award to this article  which apparently says the reason why certain Indian news sites/tabloids were saying things like Breaking News! Why is Aishwarya so fat? Find out why Aishwarya is so fat! is because of white people. Or something. Because that's just something we as Indians would never do on our own because we don't know how to do such things. It's like how we don't know how to to do the sexuals either. Apparently you can find ample evidence of this Aishwaryabashing on a site called Desimad.com which also has a Youtube channel with the following disclaimer 'If you are expecting something sensible than please avoid this channel.' Also want to say that this article gets this award, despite its use of the term ‘yummy mummy’, which frankly is right up there with putting a roll in someone’s eyes. Also fyi, youwhitegaiz are not solely responsible for bringing your ebil body image issues and skin whitening issues to this fair brown land of ours. You are solely responsible for bringing in homosexuality and feminism. Just so we’re clear. 

Musical Truths Among RapeyDouche Tweets Award goes to Sid Mallya who tweeted to say that 'Everyone wants there 15 minuets.' He later corrected ‘there’ to ‘their’, which is really great.
 
While we’re at it, I’d like to give out the following awards as well. 

The Amazing Carpet Award- This goes to the rather illustrious individual who I encountered during my househunting days. They had what can only be described as a mangy carpet spread out on the mangy floor. When we walked in, said individual said, don’t step on the carpet. I can only guess that they said that so we did not get any mange on our shoes. And then, during the hard sell, they said, see I am giving you this place with carpet also but you must not step on it. I believe this was also the selfsameplace that had a mound of cracked ceramic in one room and this apparently was the Italian design western toilet.

The I Hate Your Face Award- this goes out to all those peeps who followed the ‘basically we don’t prefer to give to unmarried bachelorspinsters. We appreciate families.’ rent policy. I totes understand this because basically I don’t prefer the unmarried bachelor spinsters either because they eat small children and pee on the floor and refuse to use their reproductive organs for what the good lord intended. Families on the other hand usually don’t eat their own children although they may eat someone else’s. Some of them pee on the floor but it’s ok because they are families. 

I would like to keep whining about some of the other places/people I encountered while househunting but this blog post is already too long. So I will do that next week and leave you with this

All About You by Ron Moss- There is a line in here that goes ‘it’s not about your new agent’ and I thought he was saying ‘it’s not about your new Asians.’ 

And because for some reason Ronn Moss reminds me of Zeb Atlas,

Love Hangover by Zeb Atlas and Pearly Gates (Don’t call the plumber! You know that I don’t need it! I don’t think he's saying plumber but whatever)


This blog post was basically about Ronn Moss.

kbai.

Sunday, May 6, 2012

ohai!

34 comments

I’m not sure if anyone stops by here anymore but if you do, ohai! I have come back after a longish hiatus which involved moving out of the smalltempletown. I am slightly sadface about this because the smalltempletown was the best third world writer cred ever. When people would tell me that they had an MFA, which back in the day I assumed was some kind of urinary infection, I would say ohai I come from smalltempletown in South India and even though they never really said anything about this barring a ‘wtf?’, I knew in my heart that they wished they could be like me. This is why I never missed an opportunity to put that up in everyone’s face when they made the mistake of asking for a ‘bio’. Speaking of bios! 

‘Writer, big city-dweller, chaidrinker, bike lover, foodie, wanderer, music aficionado, beer enthusiast, book-lover, serious sense of humor, human being’

Who is this person? Is it every Indian person in the internet today? Has it become the equivalent of ‘I love meeting new people, traveling and hanging out with my friends.”? Why am I being so racist against Writer, big city-dweller, chaidrinker, bike lover, foodie, wanderer, music aficionado, beer enthusiast, book-lover, serious sense of humor, human beings? Is it because I am jealous because I lost my smalltempletown bling? Yes.

So anyway, I bid a fond farewell to the smalltempletown and relocated to Bengaluru where all the cool people live. These are some impressions, alleged conversations, and things that happened during that first blush of Bengaluru when it was still making my nose bleed. 

- People are not speaking Tamil here. I don’t understand this. I am that gross species of person that thinks everyone speaks Tamil or English and I am flabbergasted when they don’t.

-  - "Ok wow you actually say ‘yougaiz’ when you talk."
"Yeah."
"It’s really irritating. Like REALLY."
"Yeah."
"Because like at least on the blog, you can close it when your lingo gets too irritating, no?"
"Yeah. That’s a drawback of having to talk to me in person."
"Right. Because it’s REALLY annoying."
"I know. Sorry yougaiz."

-        - Unrecognizable large green fruit! Wtf, it’s like I’m in Africa or China or something! SO EXOTIC!!111 ok that’s a watermelon. Nemmind.

-          - Sprite, muscular young man crossing road in very short shorts. Ok those are clearly not shorts, this publicfellow has come out in his undrawers. WE CAN TELL WHEN YOU DO THAT YOU KNOW!!! CROSS THE STREET AGAIN!!!!11

-           - ‘And this drinking place is called bacchus? Like tiny Hindi children people?’
-          ‘No, like Bah-Kus.’
-          ‘Then why is it spelled like tiny HinHinihfsdHindi children people? Hay, will everyone like me there?
-          ‘Probably not.’
-          ‘Oh. Tiny Hindi children people never seem to like me for some reason.’

-   - I had some dodgy pork and contracted some kind of stomach food poisoning type thing and thought I was going to die and now whenever I pass the establishment from whence I procured said dodgy pork I shout ‘I HATE YOU!’ but I don’t think they care at all. Also, LAZEEZ DOUBLE CHICKEN DOUBLE EGG ROLLS OMG I LUV YOU FOREVER

-        - “Excuse me, can you tell me where *someplace I can’t remember* is?”
“Yeah just like you can proceed over here and you can take a left and just keep going straight for some time then one Nilgris will come over there, like pretty big and you just don’t want to miss it because you can head over there and you can get all the information about that over there.”
“So you don’t know where it is?”
“Yeah no I don’t know.”
“Ok thanks.”
“Yeah don’t mention.”

-       - “Kuzhali? That’s an…unusual name.”
“Kuzhali? It’s Malayalam name I think so.”
“Sorry, I just can’t get that, I’ll call you something else?”
“Your name is what? Ok whatever, I’m calling you something else.”
Yes please call me SomethingElse.

-      LOL you’re talking to me in Hindi like I know what you're saying and like I am going to reply in Hindi also LOL!!!111

Like many people who have come to this coll city, I had trouble finding accommodation and I am going to talk all about that in the next few posts because this is my blog. It is also my hope that I will gradually start picking up some Kannada and this Kannada will gradually infiltrate my polluted “English” and soon I will suddenly discover I have some kind of Kannadiga ancestry and decide I am not so much Tamil anymore and actuallytotally Kannadiga. In this way, I hope to appropriate the cultures of all four Southern states, which is a close second to coming from a smalltempletown.

There were some other things I wanted to blog about but frankly, this blog post is already too long so I will just go through them fastly here.

-The Ashton Kutcher Racist Ad- Big ups to the righteous peeps who had to use multiple exclamation marks to tell us Indians to Calm Down!! Because it was Just a Joke!!!! And My Indian Friend Thought it was Funny so it’s Ok!!!! Also big ups to the righteous peeps who took the time to remind us that India still follows caste system so who are we to get offended by Ashton Kutcher in brownface. I for one was confused for two reasons- one, I thought he was being Mexican/Italian/Spanish so I was like STOP BEING MEAN TO MEXICAN ITALIAN SPANISH TYPE PEOPLE YOUGAIZ. Then also we must consider, if he didn’t do brownface et al, how would we know he was Indian? There’s no other way for people to identify Indianness, isn't it? It is.

-Speaking of Brownface! I saw a bit of a movie called Bhowani Junction, which featured wellknown brownfaced actors Ava Gardner and Stewart Granger. According to the summary, the movie is about a half-caste. A half-caste is someone who has partial rights to be offended by Ashton Kutcher’s racist ad. There was one gentleman in the movie whose face bore a striking resemblance to a basted turkey, which meant he was the brown dude, which meant he was an Indian. I was only able to see a bit of this glorious bit of cinema and that bit featured a limerick type thing which was about a girl from Sharkie who hooked up with a Darkie and they had two white kids, two black kids, and two khaki or something like that. Or maybe her name was Sharkie. Could be that also because in the English culture they have strange naming habits. Isn’t it neat how English people can make darkie rhyme with khaki? That’s so neat. It’s one of the reasons why they had such colonial powers.

-I saw a trailer for a movie called The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel which apparently is Slumdog Millionaire but with old, white people. This movie also features brown people but these people are naturally brown and not brownface so it’s not racist and ok

Before I go, I want to say that

Damien Walter said some nice things about my book in his column in The Guardian  

I did this interview with my thozhi Ranjani at STS  
And a verynice review of my book appeared here


And now some ‘Oh My God This Is Adele Right?’ Songs



okbai.
 

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